Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for October 31, 2034
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
Dusk turns to evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide hollers this time, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
>>>Today's Thot
Money won't buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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This new technology is for the birds!
I sure do miss those good old reliable manual typewriters...
Those things didn¡¯t make nearly as many typing mistakes!
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A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are great! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
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Thought Of The Day:??He Can Compress the Most Words
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
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How did the octopus defeat the shark?
He was well armed!
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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.
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Thought Of The Day:
I Have Loved the Stars
¡°I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.¡±
- Sarah Williams
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Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is?
M... Mental
A... Abuse
T... To
H... Humans
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The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced.
Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
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Thought Of The Day:??Two Things Are Infinite
¡°Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.¡±
- Albert Einstein
Received from aJokeADay,
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Comedy is a weird but very beautiful thing. Even though it seems foolish and silly and crazy, comedy has the most to say about the human condition. Because if you can laugh, you can get by.
Mel Brooks
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??Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
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"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
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Under the Wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."? After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.
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... continued from above
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for quite a long time, and I am seriously contemplating walking away from it. We no longer have anything in common. I'm active and hike, bike, play golf and lift weights. My wife is 100% sedentary and wants no part of any of these activities that could keep us both healthy. It has taken a toll on her to the point that she has become obese and has mobility issues. Even a small amount of exertion exhausts her, which leaves me doing almost everything. I did not sign up to be someone's caretaker because she didn't take care of herself. For a long time, I have become friendly with a woman who is active and healthy like me. We have much more in common than just being active. She tells me she loves my intelligence and what a great career I had. I never received any support from my wife. I am tired of being a slave. I want a partner. Your thoughts? -- FIT IN NEW YORK DEAR FIT: I think your marriage started failing before you met this active, health-conscious woman. As it stands, you are emotionally divorced before being legally divorced. Talk to an attorney, then tell your wife that you haven't felt emotionally supported by her for a long time and you want a divorce so you can be with someone whose interests and lifestyle more closely align with yours. From what you have written, I doubt your marriage could be saved by counseling because, emotionally, you have already moved on.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single female in my 60s. I'm very much a loner and mostly keep to myself. While I know my lifestyle may be unconventional, it is the one I choose. My concern is the possibility of dying alone in my house. I have serious health issues and don't expect to live a long life. I sometimes go weeks without contact with another human being, and if I should meet my demise, there's a very real possibility that it could go completely unnoticed for quite some time. I am not asking that you offer advice to fix my solitary life because, frankly, I accept it. What I would like to know is if there is a way -- a service or device or something -- that would alert someone in the likely event that I am alone when I meet my end. -- FLYING SOLO IN TEXAS DEAR SOLO: Great question. If you have a newspaper delivered, your carrier would notice if they were starting to pile up on your doorstep. The same would apply if your mail carrier noticed your mail starting to accumulate. There are also apps and services that will check in daily with you to be sure you are OK. One I have heard about is the Telephone Reassurance program. It is often a free service provided by a county's department of aging and disabilities. Volunteers place daily phone calls to older or disabled adults to help them remain independent in their homes for as long as possible. If this isn't available in your area, check with your local senior center, AARP or department of senior services for recommendations. |
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Stop Worrying!
Direct link:
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It is a rough
road that
leads to
?the good life.
Rhythm Of Weakness
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