Today's One-Liner:??Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
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Puns
Catacombs: Remains to be seen
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Weather cocks are vain creatures.
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Why do musicians need a leader?
????Because they don't know how to conduct themselves
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A man lost his job as a tour guide in Arizona because he had no sense of Yuma.
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A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.??The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn't have the strength to finish the race.??The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind.??The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finish line.??Over the course of an hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.??Why was the tomato so successful???The tomato paste itself.
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The first is a classic, but it seems to endure over the years. It might endure until the end...
The second is also timeless...
Two Palestinian guys get on a plane
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Palestinians. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Palestinian in the window seat said, ¡°I think I¡¯ll go up and get a Coke.¡±
¡°No problem,¡± said the Israeli, ¡°Stay there, I¡¯ll get it for you.¡±
While he was gone, the Palestinian picked up the Israeli¡¯s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Palestinian said,
¡°That looks good. I think I¡¯ll have one too.¡±
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Palestinian picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
¡°How long must this go on?¡± he asked. ¡°This enmity between our people¡this hatred¡this animosity¡this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?¡±
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A man was assigned a seat on a flight to Las Vegas that was next to an extremely beautiful woman. That pleased him, as he was single and thought he¡¯d like to date her if she was as personable as she was beautiful.
So, he asked her if she was headed for Vegas for a vacation. ¡°I wish¡±, she replied, sighing. ¡°No, it¡¯s a work trip. I¡¯m a ¡®sex expert¡¯ and I¡¯m speaking at our annual convention.¡±
¡°How interesting,¡± said the man. Can you tell me some facts about sex that aren¡¯t well known? I¡¯d love to impress my friends with my knowledge.¡±
The woman said, ¡°Sure. For instance, most people don¡¯t know that Native American men have exceptional endurance and can have sex often and for long periods of time, without tiring. And we¡¯ve found that Jewish men are by far the most well endowed. By the way, I¡¯m Elise. I don¡¯t think I got your name.¡±
¡°It¡¯s nice to meet you, Elise. I¡¯m Tonto, Tonto Goldberg.¡±
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Quote
Clint Eastwood, 94-year-old actor legend, formulated one of the most important lessons of his life so far for the young generation:
"Don't look for luxury in watches or bracelets, don't look for luxury in villas or sailboats!?Luxury is laughter and friends, luxury is rain on your face, luxury is hugs and kisses.
Don't look for luxury in shops, don't look for it in gifts, don't look for it in parties, don't look for it in events!?Luxury is being loved by people, luxury is being respected, luxury is having your parents alive, luxury is being able to play with your grandchildren. Luxury is what money can't buy."
- Clint Eastwood
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Cabbies
A cabbie is a fare-minded person.
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Envy, Jealousy, Selfishness
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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Information Assistance
"Information.? Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause.? "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no.? It isn't a person.? It's an organization.? It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir.? I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*!? *Theater*!? The word is *theater*.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That,?sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
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Laughing through Legal Woes:? 13 Lawyer Warning Signs
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
