开云体育

Kirk's Limerick If a Taiwanese person, I say, Is hard-driving, it's possible they ????????????In a blood test, reveal ????????????That because of their zeal, That they have?Taipei?Type-A's?type?A. ? Conrad and Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk's Puns

I have a secret way to leaven bread, but you have to promise not to show anyone; it is "for your rise only."??First, you get ten breads.??Then you get one more, and now you have eleven breads.

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He had a soft drink while catching up on the ironing. It was soda pressing.

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The watchmaker always is tired because he works around the clock.

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Why did the photographer bring his female assistant to the darkroom?

????To see what would develop

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Three strings are outside a store.??One string says to the others:??I am going inside where it is nice and dry.??A few moments later the string returns.??"The store owner won't let me stay because I am a string."??The second string gets angry.??"I will go in there."??A few moments later, the second string is back with the same story:??"The owner said I can't stay because I am a string."??The third string gets furious.??He ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends.??"I will get in!"??Inside, the store owner approaches the third string: "Say, aren't you a string?"??"No, I am a frayed knot."

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Kirk's Jokes

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he stuck his old lady up in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!"

The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.....It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

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An American is visiting Singapore for a short stay. He gets into a cab and asks the driver to show him the sights. The cabbie first takes him by the Orchard Road.

"What's that?" says the American.

"Oh, that's the Takashimaya shopping centre. It's a shopping complex with over 300 stores."

"Golleee," drawls the American. "How long do you reckon it took to put that up?"

"Oh, I dunno," replies the cabbie. "About two years, I think."

"Two years!" exclaims the American. "Why, in America, we would put that up in less'n ONE year!"

The cabbie continues on the tour, and passes by the Shenton Way.
"What's that?" says the American, craning his neck and looking up.
"Oh, That's the UOB Building. It's got 70 storeys and about 10,000 people working in that one building."

"Mah goodness," drawls that American. "How long do you reckon it took to put that up?"

The cabbie, not wanting to be outdone this time, said "Oh, I seem to remember that going up in about six months."

"Six months!" exclaims the American. "Why, in America, we could put up that building in THREE months!"

The cabbie is now getting a little annoyed. He turns west and takes his passenger by the AYE.

"Golleee," drawls the American, looking 1,800 feet up to the top of the tower, "What's that?"

"I dunno," says the cabbie. "It wasn't here this morning."

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Quotes from Kirk

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-- Hedy Lamarr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-- Elayne Boosler

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-- Linda Ellerbee

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Some thoughts...

1.?????A day without sunshine is like ... night.

2.?????On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3.?????Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

4.?????I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5.?????Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

6.?????Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7.?????I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8.?????He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

9.?????She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

10.??You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

11.??I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

12.??Honk if you love peace and quiet.

13.??Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

14.??Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

15.??Recognize the inconsequential, then ignore it.

16.??Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

17.??I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

18.??If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

19.??Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

20.??If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

21.??And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

22.??If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

23.??If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

24.??Is there another word for synonym?

25.??Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

26.??When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

27.??Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

28.??What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

29.??If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

30.??Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

31.??If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

32.??Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

33.??If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

34.??Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

35.??Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

36.??Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

37.??Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

38.??I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

39.??A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

40.??Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

41.??If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

42.??Does fuzzy logic tickle?

43.??If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

44.??I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

45.??How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

46.??How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

47.??I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

48.??If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

49.??If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

50.??If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

51.??Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

52.??I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

53.??Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

54.??What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

55.??What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

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Kirk's True News Column

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Snowjob:?“At Bath and Body Works, we are committed to listening to our teams and customers,” promised an unnamed spokesperson, “and are swiftly working to have this item removed and are evaluating our process going forward.” The “item” in question is the “Snowed In” canned candle. Its label features a photo of a paper snowflake that looks so much like a KKK hood that online wags dubbed it the Klandle. The horrified company quickly withdrew the item from shelves, while those who had already purchased it sold theirs on Ebay for several hundred dollars each. (RC/CNN)?...Hundreds of dollars drained from racists in exchange for adollar’s worth of wax? Satisfactory.

My Way or Else:?David Cavender, who is opposing Cobb County (Ga.) Sheriff Craig Owens Sr. in the coming election, shared bodycam footage showing sheriff’s deputies responding to an apparent call for backup from Owens. The video showed deputies using their sirens and running red lights — to a local Burger King. “Hey, do me a favor,” Owens said to a responding deputy. “I need to get— all I need is the owner’s name of whoever owns this damn facility, or the manager.” He said therestaurant got his order wrong and denied his request to replace it. “I don’t need no damn money back no more,” he said. “I just need to find out who owns this place so I can do an official complaint.” Deputies discovered the restaurant was locked; employees opened up for the deputies, explaining they locked up because many upset customers turn violent. Owens defended his actions, saying it was a simple business dispute and he did what any citizen could do. “I was not in my uniform,” he said.“At no point did I indicate my position, nor did I ask the responders to do anything that they would not, had not, or have not done for anyone else who makes a business dispute call.” (MS/WKRC Cincinnati)?...And he definitely didn’t intimidate the employees, otherwise they would’ve locked the doors.

Searching for New Life, and New Frog Calls:?Scientists say they’ve found seven new frog species whose whistling is reminiscent of tricorders and boatswain’s calls from the?Star Trek?TV shows. “That is why we named the frogs after Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, Archer, Burnham, and Pike,” says Miguel Vences, one of the authors of the paper in?Vertebrate Zoology?announcing the discovery — “seven of the most iconic captains from the sci-fi series.” Finding the frogs was notan easy enterprise: “We had to undertake major expeditions to remote forest fragments and mountain peaks,” he said. One of his co-authors, J?rn K?hler, said the calls’ high pitches enable them to be heard over other sounds of the Madagascar rainforests. (AC/London Independent)?...Until they find frogs to name after Captain Shaw and Captain Sulu, the frogs announced so far will be seven of nine.

Hot Dude:?Mike Jack, 42, of London, Ont., Canada, officially set two Guinness World Records on the same day. Even he described the first as a “nasty one”: he poured several bottles of sriracha sauce into a large bowl, which was then weighed. Guinness said that if he could consume more than 300 grams of the sauce in 3 minutes, he’d set a new record. At “Go!” he started slurping it up as fast as he could dip a large soup spoon into the bowl. After 3 minutes the bowl was weighed again: he ate 2 pounds 7 ounces (just over 1.1 kg). Doesn’t he?...um...?suffer the next day after such stunts? “I’ve actually never experienced burn-butt before,” Jack said.“It’s my super power, I guess.” The other record he set that day? The fastest time to drink a Capri Sun with a paper straw. He had to beat 22 seconds; he did it in 21.71 seconds. (RC/Toronto Sun)?...Which began just 4.02 seconds after breaking the sriracha record.

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Guess Again
Florida Doctor: My Guilty Plea in a Sexual Battery Case Shouldn’t Affect My License
Miami Herald headline

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ For Sale A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.? "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale." ----- And God Said ...? A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.? Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME." ----- Red and Blue Lights Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?" "Yes, sir, they were." "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"? "Yes, sir, she did." "And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?" "She said, 'What disco am I at?'" ----- Eat the Watermelons A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.? The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com ----- Lee Mack tells his infamous 'Kent' joke leaving John Cleese & Martin Clunes in near tears. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Today's Poster -?

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The MountainWings Power Minute

? ? ? ? ?60 Seconds of Living Power

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?

When Riley Clemmons sings, "You can't have my headspace/Won't let you in my safe place," she's talking about defending herself from a toxic relationship. But she could just as well have been singing about the newly identified headspace in your brain that helps clear out toxic metabolic waste like tau proteins and amyloid, which are associated with Alzheimer's.

Researchers from Oregon Health & Science University are the first to provide visual evidence of a network of fluid-filled ...

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DEAR ABBY: I recently scheduled a last-minute consultation with my doctor that might result in surgery. My husband has a meeting during that time, which isn't actually necessary, but he feels he needs to attend. I feel he is choosing a non-urgent obligation over my more immediate concerns. All that said, I am capable of handling what comes my way by myself. I was just hoping for some emotional support from my spouse of 31 years. I have had plenty of that financially, but not emotionally. I'm trying to figure out why he's not taking my medical issue as seriously as I am. -- ON MY OWN IN WASHINGTON DEAR O.M.O.: What a sad letter. After 31 years, you may have to accept that financial support is all your husband is capable of giving. Because you need emotional support, consider asking a close friend or relative to stay close while you resolve your medical issue. Although it may not be your first choice, it would be the more practical solution. DEAR ABBY: My father left my older sister and me out of his will. He inherited money, went to an Ivy League university and raised two sets of stepkids. I know he didn't have a lot left at the end, but what there was went to his third wife. We had hoped he would help his granddaughters with cars, etc. I wish we had discussed it beforehand so it wouldn't have spoiled our larger-than-life memories of him. Are we selfish to feel let down? -- STILL MISSING DAD IN CALIFORNIA DEAR STILL MISSING: Your feelings are your feelings. If your father led you to believe your children were in his will, then those feelings are justified. However, if he didn't do that, you are wrong to have expected him to buy "cars, etc." for your children. Considering his marital history, his widow may need every penny he left her. DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor I truly love. I garden; she does not. Despite my asking her two years ago not to take any of my asparagus, yesterday she mentioned in conversation, "I love your asparagus. Sometimes I pick some for myself." Abby, last year I was left with only enough for one meal for myself! How can I say to her, "Stop raiding my food source!"? I live on a limited budget. Many times, I can't afford to buy vegetables, which she is aware of. I'm very hurt by her behavior. Thank you for any insight you can give. -- OUT OF THE GARDEN IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR OUT: Sit your light-fingered neighbor down and remind her of some facts of your life. Tell her again that you are on a limited budget and grow vegetables because they have become too expensive for you to buy. Also remind her that you have asked her before not to do what she has been doing, and tell her how hurt you are that she would steal from you. It is the truth, and she needs to hear it. She should be ashamed of herself.