Kirk's Puns? ? ? ??
The?Montgolfier brothers launched their balloon in 1783 and proved they weren¡¯t full of hot air.
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Police can do a search if it's warranted.
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That's a terrible cough you've got.??Consumption be done about it?
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When they played tennis in the afterlife, it was a match made in heaven.
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A zero (that is right, a zero) walked into a bar one day and said, "I want a whiskey sour, please."??The bartender replied, "Look, buddy, we don't serve zeros in this bar, so either get out or I am going to kick you out."??The zero got angry and shouted, "I want a whiskey sour, and I want it now!" banging the counter top for emphasis and dramatic effect.??The bartender, thinking it more like comic relief, retorted, "I told you, no zeros in this bar.??Now get out of here or else!"??The zero promptly left the bar.??On the way out, he noticed headlines about a local university professor doing all kinds of experiments with the effects of atomic rays on growth and metabolism.??The zero headed to see the professor, and got accepted as a subject in a series of experiments with alpha, beta, and gamma rays.??Two days later, now a huge, strong, powerful zero, glowing a bright electric blue, he wandered by the bar again.??He decided to go back in for a drink.??He went straight up to the bar and asked, "I would like a whiskey sour, please."??The bartender did a double take, and said, "Hey, aren't you the zero that came in just a couple days ago?"??And the zero said, "No, I'm alpha-rayed naught."
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Kirk's Limericks
Discus has a big chip.??With dismay,
An official says that's not okay.
????????????Can no longer be used
????????????Because it's been abused.
They decided to?throw?it?away.
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Conrad and Jim and Dickhead and Grover got it.
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When the rain's falling down from the sky,
Cows lie down and I oft wonder why.
????????????They will lie together
????????????In the stormy weather,
An attempt to keep?each?udder?dry.
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Chris and Bill and Conrad and Grover got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Graffiti compiled from toilet walls:
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
... Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
... Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
... The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra/Bud Ice Penguin
... Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
... Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
... Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
... The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
... Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
... Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
... Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less
... Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
You're too good for him.
... Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
... Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
... On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet,
- O'Ryan's -Irish Pub, Ashland, OR
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Once there were two star football players that had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it didn't prove anything. So, the teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either."
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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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I just heard that I¡¯ve won a raffle. No idea what I¡¯m going to do with a raffle though.
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This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Kirk's True News
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Thoroughly Embarrassed:?Security checks at Hokkaido, Japan¡¯s, New Chitose Airport were shut down in the domestic terminal after a store inside the security perimeter reported a pair of scissors had gone missing. Security ran everyone through a recheck, which took two hours, during which time 36 flights were canceled, and more than 200 others were delayed. Security let passengers depart when the scissors were not found. They were found the next day ¡ª in the store where they had been misplaced. The Hokkaido Airport Authority said that it ¡°will once again work to ensure thorough management awareness.¡± (RC/BBC)?...Authorities must be thorough when assuring thorough managerial awareness.
Eighth Time¡¯s the Charm:?Sarah Boone, 46, of Winter Park, Fla., was arrested four years ago for allegedly suffocating her boyfriend in a suitcase. Her second-degree murder trial starts in a few months, and she needs to find an attorney ¡ª for the eighth time. After submitting a letter to the court firing her seventh lawyer, Boone has put the word out about her search in a handmade flyer. ¡°INMATE SEEKS ATTORNEY¡±, the header reads. It continues, in handwritten text, ¡°Looking for a prosperous challenge? Ready for your close-up on nat¡¯l television? Are you zealous with a side of keen? Show the WORLD who you are with your original creativity,extraordinary expertise and confident ingenuity.¡± At the bottom, Boone concludes with, ¡°EPIC OPPORTUNITY AWAITS, INVEST IN THE OPPRESSED. BELIEVE.¡± (MS/WJXX Jacksonville)?...Seems like a risky investment.
Condommies:?¡°If you have received what looks like a condom from SHFPACT in the past six months, do not use it,¡± advised Sexual Health and Planning ACT, an organization in the Australian Capital Territory. In a letter to parents, Caitlin Horan, principal of Dickson College, a public school the organization serves, wrote that ¡°We have been informed that SHFPACT may have inadvertently distributed lubricated probe covers for medical ultrasound [equipment] rather than condoms. We have informed students ... of this issue and requested that they discard these products, as it is difficult to determine from the packaging whether they are condoms or ultrasound probe covers.¡± The covers come in packaging that clearly says: ¡°Chekmate lubricated probe cover.¡± (AC/Australian ABC)?...¡°Chekmate¡± indeed.
If You Know, You Know:?¡°I like to put my art out there and just see what happens,¡± says Preston Poling, the ¡°Bearded Miniaturist¡± ¡ª he makes highly detailed miniature scenes, and enters them into competitions, such as this year¡¯s Kentucky State Fair. He has won several competitions, but came in third at this year¡¯s State Fair with his latest diorama, which was ¡°about as subtle as you could get,¡± he said: it¡¯s the adult film set for the series called?The Casting Couch?¡ª and when judges found out what it was, they took it off display and will not even return it to Poling until the Fair is over. ¡°It was supposed to be a tongue in cheek,¡± Poling said. ¡°For the people who didn¡¯t know what it was, there¡¯s zero imagery. But if you know, you know.¡± (RC/WHAS Louisville, WFPL Louisville)?...So no one would be offended unless they already know what it is, in which case they won¡¯t be offended.
Revolving Door
Florida Man Booked into Jail 74 Times Arrested Again
WESH Orlando headline
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NEW WORDS FOR EDUCATORS
Letter of recondemnation - A letter of reference from the wrong person.
Magnetic schools - Special schools in which students are either attracted to or repelled by the other students.
McDone - Students unable to participate in the afternoon's learning activities because they consumed large amounts of fast food for lunch.
Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.
Pager-turner - A reading so enthralling that the students turn off their phones so they can finish it uninterrupted.
Plausea - The nauseous feeling a teacher gets while trying to figure out if a student's excuse is believable or not.
Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high-tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.
Seatables - The little pieces of school lunch that hide on the seats of school lunchroom chairs waiting to adhere to the next unsuspecting sitter.
Shmudgle - The rainbow of color on the heel of your hand from using it as an eraser on the marker board and on overhead transparencies.
Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a mid term report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.
Strobed - Feeling you have after spending all day in a classroom with florescent lights that do that flicker thing.
Teacherscreen - The student who stands in front of you to purposefully block your view of the rest of the class as he asks you a question.
Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.
Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.
Vistamized - A student so fascinated with the view from the classroom window that he has completely lost touch with what's going on inside the classroom.
Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.
>>>Today's Thot
I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!"
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."
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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
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Thought Of The Day:??I Will Always Love You
¡°Whitney Houston¡¯s cover of 'I Will Always Love You' was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.¡±
¨D Tina Fey, Bossypants
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The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
¡°Yes,¡± he said. ¡°My dad taught me.¡±
¡°Good. So what comes after eight?¡±
¡°Nine,¡± answered Little Johnny.
¡°And what comes after nine?¡±
¡°°Õ±ð²Ô.¡±
¡°And what comes after ten?¡±
¡°The Jack.¡±
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Submitted by?
Did a little mechanical work today...
I put a rear end in a recliner.
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