A woman isn't feeling well and goes into Urgent Care:
Nurse: "have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?"
Patient: "No, I've always dressed this way."
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
Children are like pancakes. The first one always comes out a little weird.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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School of AgricultureThe school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
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Computers and Cars
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.?
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and - while the photographer developed the pictures - he took off with the cash register.
Leaving behind, of course, the pictures of himself.
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I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:
"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:
"Resume all unnecessary work."
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Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.?
"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Received from ArcaMax Daily Jokes
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Men are like fine wine ...
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
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I went to the doctor the other day and complained about my sore feet.
He said: ¡°Gout!¡±
I said: ¡°But I¡¯ve only just walked in!¡±
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Thought Of The Day:??Well Balanced Perspective
¡°In order to maintain a well balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.¡±
- Peterborough Examiner, Canada
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The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!
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A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Thought Of The Day:??You Must Stay Drunk
¡°You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.¡±
¨D Ray Bradbury
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I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money...
I sent them my pay stub...
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Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.
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One day three doctors went to a convention together, on the way back, they noticed the car was slowing down. They got out and looked at the tires. The first doctor said "I think its flat."
The second felt it and said "It feels flat."
The third stares at it and says "It looks flat."
All of them, without taking their eyes off the wheel, shook their heads and said in unison, "We better run some tests."
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Thought Of The Day:??A Great Future
¡°A great future doesn¡¯t require a great past.¡±
Received from aJokeADay.
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DEAR ABBY: Recently, my wife and I and several other couples were houseguests in a large home. Among them was a couple who, when introduced, mentioned that the husband was a chiropractor. The following day, as we were all watching TV, my wife mentioned having neck and arm discomfort. The chiropractor offered to adjust her neck and back and they left. After 30 minutes, I became concerned. After an hour, other guests were raising their eyebrows. I checked the house and couldn't find them, but I didn't look in bedrooms with closed doors. After 90 minutes, I quietly asked his wife where they were, and she said in their bedroom. I requested she check on them, and they promptly came out. There wasn't a scene, but I was upset. I was later advised that my attitude about this was "inappropriate." I'd appreciate your take on the situation. -- DUMBFOUNDED IN GEORGIA DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: I don't think your attitude was inappropriate. You were uncomfortable because of your wife's long absence with another man while everyone else was mingling. That the chiropractor's wife knew where her husband and your wife were suggests to me there was nothing for you to worry about, but your feelings were your feelings, and under the circumstances, you were entitled to them.
DEAR ABBY: My parents live with my husband and me. I have a horrible relationship with my brother. He has always been demeaning, cruel and emotionally abusive to me. When my brother attacks, he goes for the jugular. Whenever I must have contact with him, I get so upset I can't sleep for days. My husband and I have decided to cut him out of our lives, but my elderly mother will not accept that. When I tell her I can't see him, she shakes and cries for days. She says family forgives anything and everything, and I just have to put up with it. Is that true? -- HURT IN INDIANA DEAR HURT: Of course not! Stop telegraphing your plans to your mother, and stay away from your abuser. While you're doing that, remember that dear old Mom is responsible for her own feelings, and her tears and tremors stop when she gets her own way. You are an adult. You do not have to please your mother. And relatives do not have to forgive the unforgivable just because they happen to be blood-related.
-DEAR ABBY: I have caught a close friend in several lies, small and big, over the past few years. Prior to this, we were close, but since these lies have piled up, I have pulled back. I don't trust her anymore and wonder how many more lies there are. My question is, should I just let the friendship fizzle, or does she deserve an explanation? -- TRUTH TELLER IN NEW JERSEY DEAR TRUTH TELLER: If she asks why your relationship is no longer as close as it once was, tell her the truth since you are the truth teller. Unless she initiates the conversation, I see nothing to be gained by confronting her and possibly creating a scene.
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