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A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember that word!"

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The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.

It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.

The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

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Filling in for Saint Peter

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'?

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered.

'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

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God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.?

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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A Taboo Thanksgiving
From Chicken Soup for the Soul: Lessons Learned from My Cat
By Judith Quan

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. --?Arnold Glasow

The first family Thanksgiving after Jeff and I married was attended by Jeff, my three daughters, and my sister Kelly, who brought her beloved cat, Taboo. Taboo was a handsome cat. He was pure black with long hair and intense, emerald-green eyes. He was loved and pampered — a true member of our family.

While our turkey dinner roasted in the oven, my daughters decided to go for a bike ride. They left the door open by accident and we spotted Kelly’s beautiful black cat outside. She ran into the street calling to him, but her panic scared him, and he ran in the opposite direction.?

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DEAR ABBY: I chaired an event with a local service organization. Many hours were exhausted with planning and decorating. During the program, a few members playfully started throwing some items from the centerpieces at the guest speakers. By the end of the program, most of the room's centerpieces were dismantled and on the floor.

My committee had the job of cleanup, which was difficult and tedious. We felt the many hours we spent planning and doing hard work were disrespected because of these juvenile antics. This was an end-of-year program, ringing in new officers and celebrating a wonderful previous year, and there are always some lighthearted shenanigans. But I've never experienced total chaos before. Should I say something or chalk it up to celebrating a successful year's end? -- FLABBERGASTED IN TEXAS

DEAR FLABBERGASTED: Were these lighthearted members drunk or just disorderly? "Lightheartedly" destroying the centerpieces and throwing parts of them at the speakers? How disrespectful to everyone involved, not to mention potentially dangerous! I don't think what happened should be ignored. By all means, speak up. You and the other committee members are certainly entitled to let the perpetrators know how it made you feel. You're not the only person who is flabbergasted. So am I.

DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my friend "Lila" that I think she'd be happier if she got divorced? To be clear, I don't think her relationship is unsafe -- it's just unhappy. Things have been rocky with her wife for a while now. They keep trying to work things out, but every few months, something new comes up or becomes a problem again.

Lila cares deeply about her wife. She really wants to make things work, but I constantly hear she feels neglected and unattractive because of how her wife treats her. I'm obviously only hearing half the story, but it seems like Lila is putting in all the effort to make the relationship work, and her wife isn't responding in kind.

Part of the problem may be that Lila is introverted and doesn't have many friends besides her wife and me, which may be why she clings so hard to that relationship. I think both of them would be happier if they stopped trying to make the marriage work and went back to being friends, but I don't know how to tell Lila that, or even if I should. Please help. -- LISTENING IN MARYLAND

DEAR LISTENING: Stay out of it. Lila needs a friend and a sounding board at this point, not a life coach. If her marriage is as dysfunctional as you have described, she will figure out sooner or later whether it's time to "dial it back" or to end it. Understand that when divorces happen, most couples don't "go back to being friends" unless there are children involved.

DEAR ABBY: What can I buy for Christmas for my brother who is terminally ill with cancer? Nothing seems right -- not music, books or any of the things he has always enjoyed. I'm at a loss. Any thoughts? -- SADDENED IN OREGON

DEAR SADDENED: I am so sorry about your brother's diagnosis. The surest way to give him something he will enjoy would be to ask him what he would like. His activities may be diminished, but he can point you in the right direction.