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Daily Clean Jokes for May 2, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Puns are quite universal; it's true. They're not targeted for just a few. Puns are told near and far 'Round the world 'cause they are Meant for children and for groan-ups, too. Conrad, Bill, Erika, Chris got it. Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ -- Bruce Baum ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: If we think life as exam, we tend to get tensed ... so chill out and enjoy each day as it is a vacation after exams ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Clean Pun: Many years ago my wife was a knitting expert. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (Only one person spoke 'pidgin' English, and all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu, she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse. Some months later i saw the result -- it was a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until, at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician, who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when the doctor told her they read, "This is a cheap dish --- but good." ----- Other Punnies Old math profs never die, they just use strange expressions. A psychiatrist on a hike fell into a depression. You could hear a cough drop. You should never take rocks for granite. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Zero Billy brought his graded test paper up to the teacher after class one day. "Miss Larsen," Billy said, "I want to talk to you about this grade you gave me." "What about it?" Miss Larsen asked. Billy commented, "It's a zero!" "That it is," Miss Larsen replied. "I don't think I deserve such a grade," Billy asserted. "I agree," Miss Larsen said. Billy's eyebrows raised. "You do?" he asked, surprised. "Yes," Miss Larsen said, "But unfortunately, it's the lowest grade I was able to give you." Received from hahafunnies ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Thought for the Day Here's a little hug for you To make you smile when you feel blue To make you happy if you're sad. To let you know ... life isn't that bad! From Janice ----- Rules for Good Housekeeping: 1. It's time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs. 4. Sweep the room with a glance. 5. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 6. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. Via Syman Says; SYMANSAYS@... ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a fe

Daily Clean Jokes for May 1, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks When you're teaching recruits how to schlep In a marching formation, the prep That all drill sergeants know That is best: Take it slow. Do not hurry; just go step by step. Jim, Carol, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: By all means, marry If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. ----- Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. ----- Many years ago my wife was a knitting expert. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (Only one person spoke 'pidgin' English, and all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu, she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse. Some months later i saw the result -- it was a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until, at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician, who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when the doctor told her they read, "This is a cheap dish --- but good." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Robber Funny The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor. The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk. "Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end. The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know." >>>Today's Thot Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 12 Reasons Why a Pastor Quit Attending Sporting Events 1. The coach never came to visit me. 2. Every time I went, they asked for money. 3. The people sitting in my row didn’t seem very friendly. 4. The seats were very hard. 5. The referees made a decision I didn’t agree with. 6. I was sitting with hypocrites—they only came to see what others were wearing! 7. Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home. 8. The band played some songs I had never heard before. 9. The games are scheduled on my only day to sleep in and run errands. 10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up. 11. Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyway. 12. I don’t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best. Thanks to Patrick Malone for sharing this one ... via Keith Todd's Sermon Fodder; sermon_fodder-owner@... _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 30, 2025 Quote of the Day: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: ? "I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Best Bad Funny Puns 1. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side. 2. What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback. 3. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. 4. I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body. 5. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hooked Hal hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore.'" "I'll take it," the attorney said. Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mouse Jokes To A-mouse You 1. What’s a mouse’s favourite game? Hide and squeak 2. Why are all elephants are console gamers? ‘Cause they’re afraid of the mouse 3. What did the big mouse say to the little mouse? Pip, squeak 4. What did the mouse say to the ant crossing the street? Hello, fellow road-ant Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side In quietness the soul expands. -- Rockwell Kent ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why were they sad when the Dean of the Clown College retired? He left Big Shoes to fill. ----- What vegetable is always served burned? Chard ----- What amusement park do cows go to? Knott's Dairy Farm ----- What do you call a fish without a pair of eyes? A bind fsh Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ No Chants Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions? Because they have literally no chants in Hell ----- Dead or Alive An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts." ----- Thought Of The Day: If You're Too Open Minded “If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti Received from aJokeADay.com. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pompous Colonel Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, than

Daily Clean Jokes for April 29, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There's a sport that two couples adore: Playing golf every day, and their corps Will warn folks on the course Balls are coming. The source Of the cautions are yells: fore for four! Erika, Jim, Conrad, Bill, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Quote of the Day: "It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother's Day." -- Paul Clay Today's One-Liner: If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars. A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize. Received from Laugh & Lift A Time Funny A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, not yet, you have another 43 years, 2 hours and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in the presence of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "My child, I am sorry, but I didn't recognize you!" ----- God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets. Received from Mikey's Funnies Popular Restaurant When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loud-speaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready." ----------- Today's saying or thought ------------------------- Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun Postponed Test One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me. By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked. "I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town." Received from GCFL. Auction Reward Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00!” Received from aJokeADay.com Leading by Example When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing. When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating. When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets. Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a p

Daily Clean Jokes for April 28, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The man's bottom of foot doesn't feel Very good. Pain he just can't conceal. To a doc he does go. I suppose that you know The podiatrist says he'll heal heel. Erika, Jim, Lee, Conrad, Dick, Bill, Chris, Adam got it. Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: My IQ test results came back. They were negative. You can always make Easter easier by replacing the "t" with and "i." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: "Why didn't the Sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!" ----- Throwing trash on the street is litter-ly illegal. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Resurrection? When I was young, I often visited my grandmother in Kennett, Missouri. Every year Kennett high school joined with Carruthersville to put on a production of the resurrection. A girl from Carruthersville was chosen to play the part of the angel at the tomb. It was time for her to say her part, "He is not here. He is risen." She was so nervous that she forgot her line, but rather said, in her best southeast Missouri accent, "Uh, He ain't here. He done gone." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lunching at a local eatery, I overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter about plans for a wedding. The young woman protested that she was the one being married and should be allowed to make the decisions. "After all, Mother," the bride-to-be said, "you had your wedding 23 years ago." "No, dear," came the reply. "That was my mother's wedding." Received from Reader's Digest by L. C. Sah ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side Lunching at a local eatery, I overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter about plans for a wedding. The young woman protested that she was the one being married and should be allowed to make the decisions. "After all, Mother," the bride-to-be said, "you had your wedding 23 years ago." "No, dear," came the reply. "That was my mother's wedding." Submitted to Reader's Digest by L. C. Sah ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Deciding on a 2005 Diet Can't eat beef, Mad Cow ... Can't eat chicken ... Bird Flu Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella and they're too expensive Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!! I believe that leaves Chocolate! Chocolate is a Vegetable Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or

Daily Clean Jokes for April 27, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Steaks and hamburger I like to eat, So I buy sides of beef. It's a treat. I go in with some friends. Splitting beef always ends The same way. Process is: meet, mete meat. Carol, Bill, Jim, Erika, Chris, Dick got it. Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: On the car radio, Dad listened to Pop music. If you want to talk about a certain track-and-field event, then you can discuss discus. The first positive number really liked its alone time when it could be the one and only. What did the rope say after it got tangled? Oh, no, knot again. Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats. "What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide, "one woman admitted." "Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you is going to be able to find anything like that. I always have felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ HOW TO KNOW IT'S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR ~ A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum. ~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel. ~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped. ~ As you drive by, people keep yelling, "Get a horse." ~ Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement. ~ When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?" ~ Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to. ~ While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt. ~ Police are constantly pulling you over on the interstate to ask why you're not maintaining the minimum 65 mph speed. ~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups. ~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits. >>>Today's Thot If I had a quarter for each math exam I've failed, I'd have $6.30. I avoid stairs. They're always up to something. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Benjamin Franklin Quotes War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is. Revolution is when you decide that for yourself. If everyone is thinking alike, then no one is thinking. Make yourself sheep and the wolves will eat you. Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes There are many roads to success, but only one sure road to failure; and that is to try to please everyone else. Well done is better than well said. The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished. Believe none of what you hear

Daily Clean Jokes for April 26, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There's a donkey that some people know In a town with a hole down below City hall on the square, And what you will find there Is the borough of burro's burrow. Chris and Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue. ----- Today's One-Liner: I identify heavily with the seagull because if I was gifted the miracle of flight, I too would probably just use it to steal French fries all day long. ----- "Bubble Wrap Dilemma: A Corner Solution" "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours... ----- Heartwarming Visit: Preacher and the Peanut Bowl A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the elderly woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. ----- ----- Walking Recovery An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: Have you heard about the cowboy who put Super Glue on his six-shooters? He always stuck to his guns. Did Brad and Angelina consider Spoonerisms when naming their daughter Shiloh Pitt? A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide. I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software. I guess I'm just anti-Symantec. I bought some moonshine from a Chinese guy, but when I tried it, it tasted like grass. I think I got bamboozled. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Business Funny A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had jus

Daily Clean Jokes for April 25, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Mrs. Clown tried to squirt her sister; Asked her husband to please assist her. Her hubby was not A very good shot, So you know Mr. mister missed 'er. Jim, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . .and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Puns are a unique form of humor, with the ability to make us laugh and think at the same time. They encourage us to see the world from different perspectives, to question our assumptions, and to appreciate the complexity and beauty of language. So next time you hear a pun, don't just groan—take a moment to appreciate the thought and creativity that went into it. You might find that it brightens your day and broadens your mind at the same time. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Business Funny A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." >>>Today's Thot If you can't handle me randomly blurting out song lyrics that relate to what you just said, we can't be friends. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Head Hog One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund..." To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 50 Eye Care Memes Sure to Make You Laugh https://invisionmag.com/memes/?slide=1 Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ______________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 24, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Ran a marathon; when 'twas complete, Running club sponsored party, a treat. And they did it so fast, That it left me aghast. It was truly a feat, the feet fete. Erika, Lee, Jim, Conrad, Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . . . "No good in a bed , but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year. Not true. If the paper clip were invented today it would have seventeen advanced integrated circuits, an A.I. chip, a Lithium-ion battery and you’d have to replace it three times a year. -- Thanks for the correction, Conrad. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: If you want to talk about a certain track-and-field event, then you can discuss discus. The first positive number really liked its alone time when it could be the one and only. The best way to teach recruits to march is step by step. A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "Your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" What is the fee the government will be charging for hitchhiking called? A Thumb Tax. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Brick Funny My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?" >>>Today's Thot I avoid stairs. They're always up to something. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Taxes A fine is a tax you pay for doing wrong, and a tax is a fine you pay for doing all right. Everybody should pay his income tax with a smile. I tried it, but they wanted cash. I went to Washington and visited the Tax Department. I just wanted to see the people I'm working for. I'm putting all my money in taxes--it is the only thing sure to go up. Patrick Henry should come back to see what taxation with representation is like. A taxpayer is a person who has the government on his payroll. Received from WITandWISDOM via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Received from Da Mouse Tracks: What do you call a mouse that can sing? A mouse-ician! I’m feeling a little cheesy today, must be the gouda vibes! Why did the mouse break up with the cheese? It found someone a little more gouda! When mice get toge

Daily Clean Jokes for April 23, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The play authors' club wants to invite An erratic new author; they might. If he stops scripting wrong, To the club he'll belong. So the members all say: wright, write right! A spammer got a hold of my email account and deleted all of the emails that I received today before 7:00 p.m., so I don't know who responded or how. You should have received an email from me Wednesday evening explaining what happened and how your emal account may or may not have been affected. Please read and heed that actual email from me, not the spam email that was spoofed to look like it was from me. I did read an email from Grover this morning, informing me of the difference between a homonym and a homophone. Thanx, Grover. I was going to include what Grover said in today's limericks email, but the spammer deleted Grover's email after I read it. Grover explained it better than I will, but here it goes: Homonyms are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. Example: band can mean a ring or a musical group. Homophones are words that share the same pronunciation, but have different spellings or meanings. Example: heel and heal. And then there are homographs, words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and/or pronunciations. Example: bow - as in bend at the waist - OR - as in bow and arrow. Some words can be homonyms, homophones, and/or homographs. I won't attempt to explain. If you want to understand that, you can Google it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: A 100 yard dash on a scorching day ended in a dead heat. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight." - submitted to Reader's Digest by Bill Dyson ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." "What is that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If America Online Was a City ... 1) You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name. 2) You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. 3) Once you got outside, even if

Daily Clean Jokes for April 21, 2025 Missing podium, folks think is bound To turn up soon. It must be around In the building somewhere. It was located there In a room aptly named lost stand found. Carol and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today’s Clean Pun: If George Washington were alive today, he couldn't throw a silver dollar across the Potomac because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote-of-the-Day: "Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order." -- John Quincy Adams Today’s One-Liner: "This weekend is George Washington's birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own." -- Dave Letterman Quick Joke There was a five-year-old attending a formal wedding some years ago. The girl was sitting with her grandmother. She had been in Sunday school but had never attended a formal church service. During the wedding, the minister said, "Let us pray." Each person bowed his head in prayer. The little girl looked around and saw all the heads bowed and eyes turned toward the floor and she cried: "Grandmother, what are they all looking for?" Received from Laugh & Lift A Sketch 'Funny' Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower. Forwarded by Steve Sanderson ----- Either you love bacon or you're wrong. Received from Mikey's Funnies ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Daily Thoughts "A story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end ... but not necessarily in that order." -- Jean-Luc Godard "People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." -- S?ren Kierkegaard "The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." -- George Mueller ----- Brown Pants Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon." The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!" The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat. The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting." The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!" ----- Can't Outsmart a Rancher A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final price higher. The Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home. A few mo

Daily Clean Jokes for April 20, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Women saw studly man and did sigh. "His physique is so good, can't deny That it's hard not to stare At the man over there. How 'bout you?" Friend replied, "Aye, I eye." Lee, Conrad, Bill, got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puzzling Bus Shelter Blunder City officials in Mesa, Arizona, have mistakenly installed two bus shelters where no buses run. The installation cost $19,000 at a time when the city is cutting its public transit budget to save money. The shelters were installed as part of a $4.6m improvement project finished about a year ago. Although there is a bus service on part of the road, the vehicles turn before reaching the shelters. And even though the shelters have signs posted saying no buses pass by, people still wait. "It slipped through all of us and didn't get caught until after the fact," said Ethos Kramer, a Mesa city spokesperson. ----- Today's One-Liner: I've discovered that you can turn a regular sofa into a sleeper sofa simply by forgetting your wife's birthday. ----- Young Dressing When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, m ----- Drama at the Airport My wife has just fainted on the luggage carousel at the airport! But I think she's okay - she's slowly coming 'round. ----- Squirrels one Nuts in Texas Churches! There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Lutheran church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the Lutherans who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. -- Pearly Gates. Received from Pastor Tim. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: What do you call a woman who can't stop buying romance novels? A heroine addict. My favorite allergy song is Blowin' in the Wind by Peter Pollen Mary. New Year's resolution: Something that goes in one year and out the other. My friend opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the convent door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits. And then there was the Frenchman who bought up the world supply of dried soup, and became a bouillonaire. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Windows Problem An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it... Continue Reading ----- Sith Lord Wanted Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith

Daily Clean Jokes for April 19, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk: The play authors' club wants to invite An erratic new author; they might. If he stops scripting wrong, To the club he'll belong. So the members all say: wright, write right! A spammer got ahold of my email account and deleted all of the emails that I received today before 7:00 p.m., so I don't know who responded or how. I did read an email from Grover this morning, informing me of the difference between a homonym and a homophone. Thanx, Grover. I was going to include what Grover said in today's limericks email, but the spammer deleted Grover's email after I read it. Grover explained it better than I will, but here it goes: Homonyms are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. Example: band can mean a ring or a musical group. Homophones are words that share the same pronunciation, but have different spellings or meanings. Example: heel and heal. And then there are homographs, words that are spelled the same but have different meanings and/or pronunciations. Example: bow - as in bend at the waist - OR - as in bow and arrow. Some words can be homonyms, homophones, and/or homographs. I won't attempt to explain. If you want to understand that, you can Google it. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Lesson Funny The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" >>>Today's Thot If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lily Tomlin Quotes No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought. I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. For fast-acting relief try slowing down. Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it? What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They'd eaten each other. Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them." -- Unknown ----- Today's One-Liner: Scurvy: When life doesn't give you lemons. ----- No Hate, Just Chill Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything. ----- Unexpected Windfall From the Scottish Daily Record 2-Dec-0

Daily Clean Jokes for April 18, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick There's an author; his name is Jerome, Who's a pervert, has voyeur syndrome. When I gave it a look, I surmised that his book Should be classified as Peeping Tome. Conrad got it. With a rope, I have hauled down the road A webbed hopper. I pulled as I strode. It was not a green frog That I showed on my blog, So you see that I towed a toed toad. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Funny One-Liners1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. 2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” 3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative. 4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: Before an airline changes a procedure, they have a pilot project to find out if the idea will fly. Maurice Houdaille’s concept for hydraulic shock absorbers was the ride idea. Asking the dog if he had once again ripped up the newspaper was re-tore-ical. Punsters are lonely people because they have such trouble finding anyone willing to go outwit them. "Today," said the professor, "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen." Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward another, "If there is one thing I can't stand, it is an organ recital!" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Lesson Funny The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" >>>Today's Thot If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, take the spoon out of the cup. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Douglas Adams Douglas Adams is the author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. A learning experience is one of those things that says, 'You know that thing you just did? Don't do that. The single raindrop never feels responsible for the flood. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by. We are not an endangered species ourselves yet, but this is not for lack of trying. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works. I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day. The point is, you see," said Ford, "that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for

Daily Clean Jokes for April 17, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Well-known punster one day averred: "Making wordplay is not absurd. It will put you in bliss, And the reason for this: A good pun is its own reword." Conrad got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Conrad's Puns of the Day: When you take an Italian cooking class, it pasta be careful. When you take a class in making a basil-and-pine-nuts spread, it pesto be careful When you take a flower arranging class, it pistil be careful. When you take a gun safety class, it pistol be careful. When you use glue in class, it paste to be careful. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Shave Funny An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does. >>>Today's Thot No one should live by the early bird policy until learning whether they classify as a bird or a worm. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Look Natural It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?" Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT THE ZOO 10 No matter how much I wash, I still smell like a cheetah. 9 Are you the guy I'm supposed to talk to about the black market elephant? 8 You know, between me and you, that's just a guy in a bear suit. 7 It's time to feed the pythons -- will you help me catch a few squirrels? 6 If you want a good buzz, I've got access to the tranquilizer guns. 5 You know, this isn't a mustache -- this is a rare Andean caterpillar. Want to pet it? 4 Do you hear him? He's laughing at me. 3 Excuse me -- I have to go glue the horn on the "unicorn". 2 Hey, yo -- want to see a dinosaur for twenty bucks? 1 Does it look like I have rabies? From the Home Office in Wahoo, Nebraska, it

Daily Clean Jokes for April 16, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks In the bookstore, she could not restrict To just one romance novel. She picked Up an armload of books, And it's just as it looks: Woman's simply a heroine addict. Conrad got it! Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dog Quotes 'No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.' -- Fran Lebowitz 'Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!' -- Anne Tyler 'I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.' -- Rita Rudner 'My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.' -- Joe Weinstein 'If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.' -- James Thurber ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade" A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: A Bit of Tech Humor "Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs." In the tech world, a 'bug' is a coding error. This pun is a fun way to highlight the frustrations of programmers. It also shows how language evolves with society, as 'bug' takes on a new meaning in the digital age. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off." ----- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned. --- A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc. --- Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craf

Daily Clean Jokes for April 15, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Two antennas (antennae?) met on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. ----- I have a bad, bad pain in my toe, no gout about it. ----- Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before …) Quote of the Day: My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually so today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants. The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. — Mark Twain Today's One-Liner: If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year. A Robber Funny During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away." The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits." "I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance." >>>Today's Thot I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kurt Vonnegut Quotes It's a terrible waste to be happy and not notice it. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. I don't know what's going on, and I'm probably not smart enough to understand if somebody was to explain it to me. All I know is we're being tested somehow, by somebody or some thing a whole lot smarter than us, and all I can do is be friendly and keep calm and try and have a nice time till it's over. We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be. And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction. I don't know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves "Our Lady of Perpetual Astonishment." Everything is nothing, with a twist. Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne. Unannounced changes in life's itinerary are like dancing lessons from God. Science is magic that works. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. Received from Wayne Onaka. via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The soon to be bride asked her fiancé's friend about his eating habit, to which he replied "he's a very light eater.' Months after the wedding she calls the friend and says "I thought you said he was a light eater?" The friend replied "He is. He begins eating as soon as it is light and continues as long as there is a light in the refrigerator." ----- Bet Ya' Didn't Know: The kiwi, national bird of New Zealand, can't fly. It lives in a hole in the ground, is almost blind, and lays only one egg each year. Despite this, it has survived for more than 70 million years. Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side News flash! Invest in a dairy farm and you'll have lots of liquid assets. ----- COMIC RELIEF An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, “I am going to get a dish of ice cream now.” Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. “I’ll write it