Daily Clean Jokes for April 29, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 29, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? There's a sport that two couples adore: Playing golf every day, and their corps ????????????Will warn folks on the course ????????????Balls are coming.??The source Of the cautions are yells:?fore?for?four! ? Erika, Jim, Conrad, Bill, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller ? ? Quote of the Day:? "It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother's Day."?-- Paul Clay ? ? Today's One-Liner:??If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars. ? ? A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize. ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ? A Time Funny ? A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. ? Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" ? God said, "No, not yet, you have another 43 years, 2 hours and 8 days to live." ? Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. ? After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. ? Arriving in the presence of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "My child, I am sorry, but I didn't recognize you!" ? ----- ? God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ? Popular Restaurant ? When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" ? The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much of a wait?" ? The woman looked up and said, "About ten minutes." ? A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loud-speaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready." ? ----------- Today's saying or thought ------------------------- ? Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. ? Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun ? ? Postponed Test ? One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. ? "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. ? "You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." ? "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me. ? By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked. ? "I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town." ? Received from GCFL. ? ? Auction Reward ? Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, ¡°Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.¡± ? After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, ¡°$550.00!¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ????????? Leading by Example ? When I take a long time, I am slow. ?When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. ? When I don't do it, I am lazy. ?When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. ? When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart. ?When my boss does the same, that is initiative. ? When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing. ?When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating. ? When I do good, my boss never remembers. ?When I do wrong, he never forgets. ? Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. ? ? Good morning crew,? It's time for promotion testing at the school again. This Saturday I'll get to see if those little maniacs have learned any of the techniques I have been drilling into their skulls for the last six weeks. Actually, I feel pretty confident about it based upon what I have seen from them recently. Either those kids aren't as dumb as they act or I am a better teacher than I think.? Then Saturday afternoon the wife wants to go shopping for a Christmas tree. The last month or so I have been waging a psychological campaign to see if I could discourage the idea of a live tree, but she is determined.? Personally I'd rather not murder a living thing just to decorate the living room for a few weeks, but I guess her parents always had an artificial tree when she was growing up, and now she wants to indulge all of her wildest fantasies of a traditional Christmas.? I suppose there are worse ways to spend an afternoon. At least there is a bar right down the street from the tree lot (or 'arboreal graveyard' as I like to call it).? Laugh it up,? Joe? ? ----- ? "In other weird Japanese news - or as they call it in Japan, news - there are now plans for a park in Japan that will be a combination of a hot springs spa and an amusement park. It either sounds nice or like a sanitary nightmare."?-- James Corden "Two Connecticut residents stole over $1,000 worth of candles from the Yankee Candle Village. The suspects are being described as white."?-- Conan O'Brien "Tonight was the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Thousands of people waited for hours in the cold just to go, 'Cool. OK, back to the hotel, let's go back to the hotel.'"?-- Jimmy Fallon ----- One day on his way to work, my husband stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain. Forgetting that he hadn't brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave. "That's my umbrella," a woman immediately scolded. Abashed at his mistake, he apologized and walked on to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived. Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day. That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier. She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked: "Did real well for yourself today, didn't you?" ? Received from Clean Laffs. ? ? Foiled Carjacking ? An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!" ? The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. ? Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. ? She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman. ? No charges were filed. ? ----- ? Only a Southerner ? - Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. ? - Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." ? - Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." ? - Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly." ? - Only a Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. ? - Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler! ? - Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. ? - Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way. ? ----- ? Worm Overload Recreational Killer ? There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. ? This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. ? If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. ? You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. ? ----- ? Father-Daughter Talk ? A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth. ? She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. ? One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. ? Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. ? Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" ? She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." ? Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." ? The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" ? The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party." ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? Good Morning Groanies, Thank you so much for all of the well-wishes, happy thoughts, good vibes, it made my birthday that much more special.? And for those that sent me insults, bad-mouthing and ageist jokes, I'd have something to say about that, but I'm busy debating whether or not to take a nap or watch 'Murder, She Wrote'.? Thanks again! You're the best!? Groaningly yours, Steve ? *-- Who Gave You Those Beauties? --* ? A regular at the bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.? "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"? "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."? ? *-- What Do You Do? --* A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'? He answered, 'Call for backup.'? ? *-- Q and A Quickies --* Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?? A: Two mothers-in-law!? Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?? A: Because peeing in the bath is disgusting!? ? Received from The Daily Groaner ? ? (From the Archives) ? Watergate Bug ? A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel. ? The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?" ? The groom says "Hmm...? Good point.? I'll look for a bug." ? He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . . "AHA!" he shouts! ? Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws.? He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window. ? The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?? How was the service?? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" ? Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?" ? The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!" ? Received from You Make Me Laugh ? ? ? Trivia Bits Since his death, Christopher Columbus's bones have traveled almost as much as he did when he was alive. He died and was buried in Valladolid, Spain, in 1506, then was moved to Seville sometime after that. In 1542, his bones were sent to the Dominican Republic; then to Havana in 1795; then back to Seville. Yet folks in the Dominican Republic contend that at least some of his remains never left the island. Thus, there are tombs for his bones in Seville and in the Dominican Republic. It's possible both sites contain a bit of him. How many pairs of chromosomes are in a healthy human cell? A) 10 B) 23 C) 32 D) 66 Answer:??A healthy human cell contains 23 pairs of chromosomes. ? What¡¯s on the Web? ------------------------- ? *Eye Laugh* ? Madame Scarlatti is attracted to Boutlaire, her new gamekeeper. Although he professes to love her, he appears to love his game more. For when she asks him to capture and bring her an animal as a token, he says: "Frankly, Madame, I don't give a deer."?(Fred Schreiber) Received from Stan Kegel; skegel@... _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |