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Daily Clean Jokes for April 30, 2025

Marilyn L. Van Driesen All Messages By This Member #2520 Daily Clean Jokes for April 30, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Quote of the Day:? ? What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ? ???? "I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay." ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Best Bad Funny Puns 1. Why did??cross the road? To say hello from the other side. 2. What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback. 3. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. 4. I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body. 5. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Hooked Hal hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore.'" "I'll take it," the attorney said. Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle?via GCFL. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mouse Jokes To A-mouse You ? ?1. What’s a mouse’s favourite game? Hide and squeak 2. Why are all elephants are console gamers? ‘Cause they’re afraid of the mouse ?3. What did the big mouse say to the little mouse? Pip, squeak 4. What did the mouse say to the ant crossing the street? Hello, fellow road-ant ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? On the Lighter Side? ? ?In quietness the soul expands. -- Rockwell Kent ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ?? Why were they sad when the Dean of the Clown College retired? ? He left Big Shoes to fill. ----- What vegetable is always served burned? Chard ----- What amusement park do cows go to? Knott's Dairy Farm ----- What do you call a fish without a pair of eyes? A bind fsh ? Received from Reddit Clean. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions? Because they have literally no chants in Hell ----- An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts." ----- Thought Of The Day: If You're Too Open Minded “If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti ? Received from aJokeADay.com. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." "Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone." ----- Anti-Burglar Signs The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations: Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious! Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"? Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are! To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck ... Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again ... ----- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris Around ... 59 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) 1.? Include Your Children when Baking Cookies 2.? Police?Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers? 3.? Safety Experts Say?School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted? 4.? Drunk Gets?Nine Months in Violin Case? 5.? Survivor of Siamese Twins?Joins Parents? 6.? Farmer Bill Dies in House? 7.? Iraqi Head?Seeks Arms? 8.? Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?? 9.??Stud Tires Out? 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope? 11. Panda?Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over? 12. Soviet Virgin Lands?Short of Goal Again? 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland?Islands? 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms? 15. Eye Drops off?Shelf? 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids? 17. Reagan Wins on?Budget, But More Lies Ahead? 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66? 20. Enraged Cow?Injures Farmer with Ax? 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash?Probe Told? 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death? 23. Juvenile?Court to Try Shooting Defendant? 24. Stolen Painting Found by?Tree? 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies? 26. Two Sisters?Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter? 27. Killer?Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years? 28. Never?Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One? 29. Drunken Drivers?Paid $1000 in `84? 30. War Dims Hope for Peace? 31. If Strike?isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While? 32. Cold Wave?Linked to Temperatures? 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police?Suspect Homicide? 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge? 35. Deer?Kill 17,000? 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge? 38. New?Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group? 39. Astronaut?Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft? 40. Kids Make Nutritious?Snacks? 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy? 42.?Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire? 43. British Union?Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply? 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in?Trotwood? 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees? 46. Local?High School Dropouts Cut in Half? 47. New Vaccine May Contain?Rabies? 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing? 49. Deaf College?Opens Doors to Hearing? 50. Air Head Fired? 51. Steals Clock,?Faces Time? 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni? 54. Bank?Drive-in Window Blocked by Board? 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7?Foot Doctors? 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57.? Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training? 58.??Include your Children When Baking Cookies? 59. 4-H Girls Win?Prizes for Fat Calves ----- Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be... ----- Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd?was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends." "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com ----- Pedro Pascal & Bella Ramsey bring their APOCALYPTIC chemistry from THE LAST OF US to our sofa! Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ACTUAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EXCUSE NOTES * "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was." * "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling." * "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment." * "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time." * "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting." * "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." * "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet." * "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard." * "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM." * "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday." [forwarded by Adon Brownell] >>>Today's Thot I swear the me that buys groceries and the me that actually cooks are two entirely different people. ? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is very opinionated. At times, we get along. But, in the past, she has upset me by accusing me of not doing the right thing. She and my son have two young children together and full custody of his son from another mother. I complimented my grandson on looking after his little sister at her birthday party and was told that this wasn't the case, as she was being bullied by the other girls while he stood by and watched. My grandson has been through a lot, and I got upset and said to my son, "Perhaps you need to consider the partners you choose!" Bear in mind, this was all done via text. I have given help with my grandchildren whenever it was requested. My daughter in-law is now accusing me of preferring my grandson over her children, which is not the case. We now have a fractured relationship and can't seem to resolve it. Please, can you help? -- FRACTURED IN AUSTRALIA DEAR FRACTURED: Your grandchildren all share the same father, regardless of who their mothers are. Your grandson could have handled the bullying problem better than he did, but he may not have known how to step in. (Or may not have felt he was strong enough to intervene.) If you weren't fully aware of what was going on, you couldn't have known the compliment you gave the boy was unwarranted. HOWEVER, for you to have told your son what you did about his wife was insulting and unkind. Begin apologizing profusely to her and your son for losing your temper and saying something so hurtful. If you do, it may begin to heal the breach. DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 33 years. My husband is great and treats me well. We've had no problems. I recently got in contact with my first boyfriend from 40 years ago. We have been texting on a daily basis. We also talk on the phone and so on and so forth. All the feelings I had for him have resurfaced, which is not a good thing, since I'm married. I have shed many tears over him (he is also married) and can't stop thinking about him. Do I stay with the husband I have been with for 33 years or take a chance with the old boyfriend? He says he still loves me and has never forgotten about me. Would he divorce his wife to be with me? Probably. I'm torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool. Advice? -- FACING A CHOICE IN THE EAST DEAR FACING: Who reached out to whom first? If it was you, why did you open Pandora's box looking for this man? And why have you continued these texts and phone calls "and so on and so forth"? I urge you to explore this before blowing up a marriage of 33 years with a husband who is great and treats you well. Would your first love marry you? Who knows? Would your husband ever forgive you? Maybe not. Please run this by a licensed therapist who can help you straighten out the strudel in your noodle. Received from Dear Abby. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ?

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