Daily Clean Jokes for October 3, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 3, 2024
Kirk's Limerick
He had never been hunting and thought It was time that he went out and bought ????????????A new rifle to see ????????????How good hunting would be. He decided to?give?it?a?shot. ? Bill C. and Jim and Chris got it.? ?
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Kirk's Puns |
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My uncle used to take a nap in a chandelier.??He was a light sleeper. ? Did you hear about the bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes? ? The little cabbage in the field is consulting its mother about life.??"Life," says the mother, "is a gamble; you have to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals -- not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot.??But if you don't give up, you will thrive and grow."??"Life certainly is a gamble," agrees the little cabbage, "but there is one thing you haven't made clear.??When do I quit growing?"??"As in any other gamble," says Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!" ? In 1974, the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise cane. ? If you are at a costume party, it's probably difficult to tell the good guise from the bad.
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A Scientist Funny
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
>>>Today's Thot
Little did he know ... but that didn't stop him.
Received from Mikey's Funny. |
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it. -----
My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.
I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.
She then hugged me. -----
Thought Of The Day: A Setback Is A Setup "A setback is a setup for a comeback."
- Anonymous -----
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it. -----
My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.
I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.
She then hugged me.
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Thought Of The Day:??A Setback Is A Setup "A setback is a setup for a comeback."
- Anonymous
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| Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up....
"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves...
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A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount on money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well, he said, "after...
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could...
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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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True News ? Good Walls are Sometimes Better than Good Fences:? A panicked family in Deland, Fla., called 911 at 12:30 p.m. to say someone was shooting at their house. ¡°My girl and my son are in the bathroom laying down,¡± the caller said, requesting urgent help. Volusia County Sheriff¡¯s deputies responded in force and, sure enough, heard shots, and traced them to a neighbor on the street behind the victim¡¯s house. Alex Kudlack, 38, was shooting at a tree in his backyard, deputies say, but was apparently not a very good shot, as bullets were hitting his neighbor¡¯s home. A deputy¡¯s bodycam recorded Kudlack explaining his actions: ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m a dumbass.¡± Kudlack was arrested, charged with shooting into a dwelling, child endangerment, criminal mischief, and ¡ª which will surprise no one ¡ª using a firearm while under the influence. (RC/WPEC West Palm Beach)?...So there were multiple kinds of shots in play here. Doing the Wave:? According to Dr. Stephen Hicks of University College London, England, scientists detected an ¡°unidentified seismic object¡± under Greenland. ¡°It kept appearing,¡± he said, ¡°every 90 seconds for nine days.¡± The mystery was solved, he said, when ¡°colleagues from Denmark, who do a lot of fieldwork in Greenland, received reports of a tsunami that happened in a remote fjord.¡± The two teams ¡°joined forces¡± and figured out that a mountain had collapsed: 25 million cubic meters of rock, the equivalent of 25 Empire State Buildings, fell into the water, causing a 200m (650 ft) high ¡°mega-tsunami.¡± The wave kept sloshing because, Hicks explained, ¡°This landslide happened about 200 kilometers inland from the open ocean, and these fjord systems are really complex, so the wave couldn¡¯t dissipate its energy.¡± Hicks points to climate change as the cause of the collapse: ¡°That glacier was supporting this mountain, and it got so thin that it just stopped holding it up,¡± he said¡ª perhaps the ¡°first time a climate change event has impacted the crust beneath our feet all the world over.¡± (MS/BBC)?...It won¡¯t be the last time. Shopped and Sold:? A would-be buyer made three offers, and finally got a contract for a Christina Lake, B.C, Canada, cabin at C$490,000 (US$369,000). Then he went to see it. ¡°The property did not resemble that which had been advertised on the Multiple Listing Service,¡± Andrew Pendray wrote. ¡°It is clear that the photographs of the property posted on MLS ... were digitally altered to show furnishings that were not actually present in the property, and more importantly to show theproperty in a better state of repair than it in fact was in.¡± The buyer canceled the deal and filed a complaint, and the Realtor was fined C$6,000. Pendray, who heard the case for the B.C. Financial Services Authority, upheld the penalty; his quotes are from his decision. In her defense, Realtor Lori Evans had argued that she was representing the seller, and serving her client¡¯s interest ¡ª and that ¡°the buyer was familiar with the property¡± because, years ago, his family had owned it. (AC/CTV)...And as an expert in real estate, she knows that the condition of a property never changes. Tax Dollars, Hard At Work:? ¡°The Government of Canada continues to engage with various stakeholders and service providers to ensure a safe, efficient, and cost-effective program,¡± Public Safety Canada told CTV News after an inquiry. The inquiry: the status of a government program to ¡°buy back¡± military style ¡°assault¡± rifles. The government says there are about 150,000 such weapons in private hands, and such rifles were banned in 2020 with the promise of paying ¡°fair market value¡± to citizens who own them. So far, the program has cost ¡°nearly¡± C$67.2 million (US$49.5 million); the resulting average of $448 per gun doesn¡¯t sound like it quite covers ¡°fair market value,¡± and it¡¯s unlikely they¡¯ve bought back all 150,000 by now, so how many guns have been taken in for that cost? None. So far, $56.1 million has been spent by Public Safety Canada to set up the program, and ¡°almost $11.1 million¡± by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Of those amounts, ¡°nearly $11.5 million¡± was spent on ¡°external consultants¡± for ¡°software, logistics, communication support, and more.¡± (RC/CTV)?...It could be worse: it could be?not?¡°³¦´Ç²õ³Ù-±ð´Ú´Ú±ð³¦³Ù¾±±¹±ð.¡±
Animal Cruelty
Bear Cub Driven by Two Men from Northern Ontario to Windsor, Fed Taco Bell
Canadian Press headline Received from Kirk Miller. __________________________________________________________________________________________
Reasons Why God Was Never Given Tenure At Any American University1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in a foreign language.
3. He quoted no references.
4. It wasn't published in a certified journal.
5. Some doubted that He actually wrote it.
6. Sure He created the world, but what has He done since?
7. The scientific community cannot replicate the results.
8. He never obtained permission to use human subjects.
9. At one point He drowned His subjects.
10. He had His son teach class for Him.
11. There were only ten requirements and all students failed.
12. In the early days His office hours were irregular and were sometimes held on a mountain.
Received from Off The Church Walls via GCFL.
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Writing Your Will: Essential Preparation
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DEAR ABBY: I am dating an older man with two ex-wives. I have met both of them. I don't mind them. The last ex-wife and I get along. She usually calls me because he won't answer his phone for her. The first ex-wife I don't like at all (I used to talk to her) because she's lied to me about him. This woman has her kids call and tell him to call her (which he sneaks around to do), among other things. She talks smack about two of her kids with him (supposedly his), and she cheated on him numerous times. Anytime we see her, which is usually at one of the kids' houses, she or he runs to give the other a hug. I think this is very wrong and I've twice said something to him. Am I wrong? Am I jealous? He says they don't want to be with each other, they're just friends, but I don't trust her. I feel like she's trying to start trouble. (Not to mention, one of the kids remarked, "If Mom wanted him back, she could get him.") I respect your opinion. Please help me. -- AM I RIGHT OR WRONG? DEAR RIGHT OR WRONG: Many divorced couples try to keep things amicable for the sake of their children. Your twice-married boyfriend may be one of them. If you trust what he says, his first ex-wife isn't likely to wreck your relationship unless your insecurity allows it. If you cannot trust this man's word, you should no longer be together. What the kid said hasn't helped the situation. Please do not let it cause trouble in your relationship with their father.
DEAR ABBY: I filed for divorce nine months ago. The judge signed my papers six weeks ago. I was with my alcoholic ex for 17 years, married for 12. I knew my marriage was over a year ago, so I was preparing myself. Four months ago, I met "Aaron," a man I have grown to really like. He feels the same, but my sisters feel I shouldn't be thinking about a relationship. My kids are grown and out of the house. They have met Aaron and say, "Whatever makes you happy," but I'm afraid if my sisters find out I'm seeing someone, they are going to be negative. I really want them to know how happy I am, but I'm not sure if I should say anything just yet. Please help. -- FREE, NOT FREE, IN IOWA DEAR FREE, NOT FREE: You have only recently emerged from a long and difficult marriage, which has to have been stressful and depressing. Right now you are on an emotional high. Your sisters are giving you good advice. Slow down! If what you and Aaron have together is as good as you think, keep seeing him and get to know each other better. Stop hiding him from your sisters and introduce him. But when you do, tell them you are not jumping from the frying pan into the fire and plan to spend time getting to know him before making any permanent decisions. You have earned that right.
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New Proverbs for the New Millenium
1.?Home is where you hang your @. 2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.? 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up, must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage.?
----- My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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The Mouse
There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave. While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk." So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"
20. There's no place like your homepage.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up, must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up, must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up, must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage. 8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. ? 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up, must come down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage.
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 2, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for ?October 2, 2024
Today's Limerick? ? ??
On a long, uphill hike you should heed
Some advice if you want to succeed.
? ? ?Get your leg muscles strong,
? ? ?Helps when hiking along.
And good leg joints you really do kneed.
Jim and Conrad got it.???
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Being Late
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When her late husband¡¯s will was read, a widow learnt he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse¡¯s tombstone. ¡°Sorry, lady,¡± said the stone cutter. ¡°I inscribed ¡®Rest in Peace¡¯ on your orders. I can¡¯t change it now.¡± ¡°Very well,¡± she said [¡]
After writing a simple equation on the board the teacher asked if anyone could solve the problem.
Little Johnny walked up to the board, erased it and said, ¡°Problem Solved.¡± -----
I recently came into a lot of money...
and that's why I got fired from the bank. -----
Thought Of The Day: It's A Parked Taxi ¡°A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.¡±
- Groucho Marx -----
My house had been burglarized and the police were taking a report.
The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?"
I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"
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Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints!"
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Thought Of The Day:??Recognizing the Power ¡°Recognizing power in another does not diminish your own.¡±
¨D Joss Whedon
Received from aJokeaDay. _______________________________________________________________
Mind Reading Lessons: A Hilarious Fair Encounter ?One day a young man was visiting the fair, over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader!? Apply within." So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside.? Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons." "Well, yes" the young man said. "Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson." Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and walks over to a hose, which he picks up one end of.? "Here, hold this hose." "Why?" said the young man. "It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see." So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness.? "I don't see anything," he tells the old man. Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young mans face, "I had a feeling you'd do something like that!" the young man shouts at the old man. "You are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be 50 dollars." Written by and received from Pastor Tim. ----- Cybersalt News?Oh look, Chicken Thursday! Grandma Cybersalt and I are on another trip. She is attending a conference for her refugee sponsorship work and?we are working in family visits?before and after (and me during too!) Today's video share will have you holding your breath in anticipation of how?this lizard can stay under water for 18 minutes!?
~ Pastor Tim? ----- - Details
- Written by:?Pastor Tim
- Published: 19 October 2012
 Many of you will remember the story of ¡°Bang¡± - a peach fronted conure that hit one of the windows of Cybersalt World Headquarters in June of 2011 and subsequently became part of our ¡°flock¡± after we could not track down its owners (see - ¡°¡±).Bang brought a lot of fun and entertainment into our lives, but on this past Sunday he/she (we never knew what gender Bang was) went to a new home with a parrot lover half an hour away from us.
Of everyone in the house, Bang bonded the most with me.This was probably due to my being the first person he saw in the morning when I uncovered his cage and delivered fresh seed and water for the beginning of the day. I like to think he was also in awe of me because I was the one who turned the sun on - a trick I like to call ¡°opening the curtains.¡± For whatever reason, Bang¡¯s little bird brain liked me the most.I¡¯ll always remember Bang as a fun bird who would land on my shoulder for a sunflower seed while I worked at the computer, liked his share of my vanilla ice cream cones, and who enjoyed long walks on the beach together - well would have if I had ever taken him on any. At this point you are probably wondering why Bang has a new home. - Last Updated: 08 May 2024
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Beatles Computer Song - Let It BeWhen I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C. Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.? If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C. Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C. Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C. ? This one is good. Or, it?was?good a few years ago. I learned FORTRAN and BASIC in college and I graduated 55 years ago! ? So here¡¯s an update. Same idea, just a different set of computer languages, if you decide to use it again. ? (Sung to the tune of Let It Be) ? When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. ? As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C. ? Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C. Perl is dead and buried, Write in C. ? I used to write a lot of SQL, For data it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. ? If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. ? Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. Python's not the answer. Write in C. ? Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Java won't quite cut it. Write in C.
Received from Conrad Macina.
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 30, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 30, 2024? ? ? ? ?
"He felt that he could forgive anything to anyone, because happiness was the greatest agent of purification." - Ayn Rand (1905-1982) Russian-American Writer and Philosopher
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A Door Funny
Janice, my sister, had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen.
One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well.
"Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."
>>>Today's Thot
Money can't buy everything...but then again neither can no money.
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A Computer Funny
"I've created a new computer that is almost human."
"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"
"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."
>>>Today's Thot
Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or in 2 weeks like I usually do.
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A Marine Funny
As the crowded airliner is about to push away from the gate
, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.??No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.??Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.??All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Today's Thot
The word "nun" is basically just the letter n doing a cartwheel.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Today's Clean Limericks
Kirk¡¯s traveling all ¡®round the nation And eating those vile truck stop rations ??????????? He left me some work ??????????? In my inbox they¡¯ll lurk How dare he go out on vacation?!?
When the rain's falling down from the sky, Cows lie down and I oft wonder why. ?????????????? They will lie together ?????????????? In the stormy weather,
An attempt to keep?each?udder?dry.
In Hawaii, the seashore he craves. It is something about which he raves. ?????????????? It's where he wants to be, ?????????????? So it's easy to sea
Because happiness does?come in waves
Received from Conrad Macina
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Garage Sale
I took four tires to a friend's garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $20," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Twenty dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.? -----
Ten Songs for People Over 4010. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap
And the Number One song for people over 40...
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door Received from?GCFL. ____________________________________________________________________________________
Great Truths of life that Kids Know
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.? Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. ----- While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
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Minimum Wage Earner I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.? As luck would have it, they matched. ----- Lost and Found As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."? As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it." ----- In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
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How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
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Workplace Vocabulary Lesson Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything ,and then leaves. Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.? Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. -----
The Tate Family You may have heard of the Tate Family. Members of this family attend every group. There is Dic Tate who wants to run everything. Ro Tate tries to change things --- whether they need it or not. Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible. She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.? Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is happening. And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot. When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work. Imi Tate would rather copy others than try something new. -----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Stephen Colbert brings you the latest science stories from the world of science in his science-focused segment.
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On August 22, a moving truck turned left from Peabody St. onto Gregson and smashed into the canopener bridge. Apparently frustrated by this encounter, the driver decided to back out and keep going up Peabody, leaving behind some pieces of crash art for bystanders to pick up. Notice that some philistines just drive their cars over the crash art, before a true art connoisseur finally picks it up...
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DEAR ABBY: I met a young man on Facebook. He is a philanthropist, and we have been talking for more than six months. He's kind and sweet, and he tells me he loves me. He works around the world as an interior designer and will be returning to the States in a couple of weeks. The problem is, I'm 30 years older than he is. He has seen photos of me and thinks I am beautiful and a good woman. I am stressed about meeting him because he wants a life together, even though I have shared all of my health issues. Please help me. I have tried to end it because of the age difference, but he gets very upset, and so we go on. I do care about him. What should I do? -- WAFFLING IN GEORGIA DEAR WAFFLING: Tread very carefully! Although you have communicated over the last six months, he may not "quite" be the person he has presented himself to be. Make no commitments until you have actually met him in person. Hold on to your skepticism and do not give him money for ANY reason, because things that seem too good to be true often are.
DEAR ABBY: I'm dating a single dad with a teenage daughter who lives with him full time. His daughter's mother lives in the same town but rarely sees her. Mom does not want me to meet her daughter and offered the solution of taking her daughter to live with her. Six months later, Mom has yet to commit to actually having her daughter live with her. Because of this, I am no longer spending time at my boyfriend's home, and it's driving a wedge between us. We've been dating for a year and a half, and I'm now at my wits' end. HELP! -- WAITING IN NEW JERSEY DEAR WAITING: Your boyfriend's relationship with the mother of his child is not a healthy one. She doesn't have custody of her daughter and she shouldn't be dictating to whom the daughter is introduced. Ask him if he still feels the same about you that he did six months ago. If he says he does, suggest you get couples counseling because it feels like his ex has driven a wedge between you. His response should indicate the direction your relationship is headed.
DEAR ABBY: My brother lost his wife of 30-plus years to COVID. Because we live several states apart and I have significant chronic health issues of my own, I haven't been able to spend as much time with him as I would like. I call often just to check in, but wish I could do more to help him through his sorrow. The first anniversary of her death is approaching, and I'm uncertain how to handle it. Any advice is deeply appreciated. -- CHECKING IN THE EAST DEAR CHECKING: Because your health issues prevent you from traveling to see your brother, why not invite him to come for a visit? That way, you could be supportive, and he could have a therapeutic change of scene. If that's not possible, the next best thing would be to video chat with him, which would enable you to meet face-to-face from time to time. |
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That's What I Do
Direct link:?
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Colin Farrell talks about working with Cristin Milioti in The Penguin, his multifaceted character in the series and spending three hours in makeup for his character transformation.
Political campaigns are partnering with social media influencers and content creators, and Lewis Black can't even with the cringe. He's scrolled all the latest TikToks and can't decide whether outreach to these people is the end of America, or just a giant waste of money.
Peter talks about what it was like living? next to Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, being from Minnesota, going to the same school as Governor Tim Walz¡¯s wife Gwen, working at the Minnesota State Fair, seeing a moutain lion on his ring camera at his house in Idaho, his show 9-1-1 on ABC, and shooting in front of the house from Parenthood.
An actress (Emma Stone) creates her character's backstory. ____________________________________________________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 29, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 29, 2024"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift." - Pierre Corneille?(1606 - 1684) French Playwright
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Good WifeThe woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What, dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
(source unknown)
Received from reed_lacy. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard saying...
"My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a deep depression." -----
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco." |
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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
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A Matter of Will
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learnt he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.
Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stone cutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again'."
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He Made Fun Of Them All The Time
They Thought He Was A Pothead
He Didn't Like Thanksgiving
He Was Rude
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Riding the Bus While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop." Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said,"go ahead." "And this is my pole," he said.? My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store." And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus. ----- More Things Women Want to Hear, but Never DoI'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche? You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house. If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.? Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework. -----
More New Drugs on the Market Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.? Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. -----
Things to Say at a Job Interview Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving. Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.? Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview. -----
Questions of Logic
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. How is it, then, that "I do," is the longest sentence?? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you'll believe it, but if you're told a wall has wet paint, you'll have to touch it to be sure? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? -----
Car Accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."? Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police." -----
A Monthly Bill from the Law Firm? ? A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125. -----
The Garden of Eden A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."? "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian." -----
Old Maserati I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"? There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil." -----
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The retail store.
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Did She Threaten to Kill You?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"? "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
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A Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
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Let's go back in time to the moment Simon's Cat's life changed forever with the discovery of a new fluffy friend! Watch our latest full length colour special 'Kitten Origins' for extra levels of cute!
..... More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. There are nine major food allergens -- milk, egg, peanut, tree nuts, wheat, soy, sesame and fish and crustacean shellfish -- that cause about 90% of serious food allergy reactions in the U.S. They affect about 33 million Americans, including almost 6 million children, and cause around 500 deaths annually.
The treatment for a severe allergic reaction -- anaphylaxis -- is the immediate administration of the fight-or-flight hormone epinephrine, aka adrenaline. Since 1987, that's been ...
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for almost three years to a woman who refuses to share the same bed with me. It started on our honeymoon when, after having sex, she chose to sleep in a different bed whenever there were two beds in the room. She's in her late 40s and had never been married before. We have been intimate only twice in the last year. Moreover, she doesn't let me sit next to her while we watch TV, and there is no kissing, no touching, no affection of any kind, physical or verbal. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out why she treats me like this, and I have a few suspicions. She's applying for permanent residence status and may have married me only for that, although she denies it. She can no longer bear children, so she may think there is no point in having sex or being intimate. She may have an aversion to being touched, although she doesn't show that when we're out in public. She likes to hug her female friends. (And no, I don't think she's a lesbian.) Any love that existed between us is nearly gone at this point, so am I justified in getting a separation? We have been to counseling, and that is what the therapist recommended. -- FEELING UNLOVED IN UTAH DEAR FEELING UNLOVED: Assuming you brush your teeth, use deodorant and shower regularly, I'm as mystified about your wife's behavior as you are. I know people who treat their dogs and cats better than this woman has been treating you. That you have tolerated it this long is surprising. Your therapist has advised a separation, but I would go further than that. Because you don't have a marriage, I think you should make it official.
DEAR ABBY: I receive at least two or three telemarketing calls a day -- and sometimes even more on Sundays. Can you please tell me what to do to put a stop to this? I have written once before to an address to curb this situation, but no luck. These calls come as late as 9 p.m. Thank you for any advice. -- STRESSED OUT IN ILLINOIS DEAR STRESSED OUT: I agree that telemarketing calls are invasive when they come in multiples. The USA.gov Consumer Action Handbook includes a number you can call to restrict telemarketing calls permanently by registering your phone number. It is 888-382-1222. This can also be done online at . If you receive telemarketing calls after your number has been in the national registry for 31 days, you can file a complaint using the same web page and toll-free number. This will cut back on some of the calls you receive, but not all of them. Political organizations, charities and telephone surveyors with which you have a relationship can still get through. However, if you still find yourself being inundated, contact your phone provider and inquire about call-blocking 800 numbers. Good luck! _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 28, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 28, 2024
When the rain's falling down from the sky, Cows lie down and I oft wonder why. ????????????They will lie together ????????????In the stormy weather, An attempt to keep?each?udder?dry. ? Chris and Bill and Conrad and Grover got it. Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotation: "The best leaders collect information widely, listen to everybody, and then decide by themselves." - Edwin Bearss?(1923 - 2020) American Civil War Historian
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New Baby ComingFor weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house.
One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby.
The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?"
The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"
Received from Klean? ----- Poor Dad!A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a regular adequate income he had a "poor" mindset, always unhappy about money matters and very vocal about it.
One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him and said, "Dad, what do you do out here?"
He answered with a smile, "I pay the bills."
She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and announced (to the delight of all around), "No wonder we're so poor!" Received from Laugh-A-Lot!
----- Beethoven's EndWhen Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Received from?
Rebecca Watters.via??GCFL
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A Suit Funny
I just lost my wife of over 50 years. During her 7-year battle, I looked forward to your funnies. They helped us to keep smiling as we trusted God in our daily battle. Thank you." Mark
>>>Today's Funny
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.? "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!? That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!? But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
>>>Today's Thot
The urge to sing ¡°The Lion Sleeps Tonight¡± is just a whim away, a whim away. Received from Mikey's Funnies
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Mother vs Stepmother: The Wedding Dress Duel???Jennifer's big formal wedding was fast approaching and she was delighted to hear that her Mom, Sheila, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother, Fawn, had purchased the same dress. She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase. Fawn refused. After two more weeks of frustrated shopping, Sheila found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve. When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"?? The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.
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Teacher: What are you grateful for?
Megan: I¡¯m grateful for the big man upstairs.
Little Johnny: Not me, the big man upstairs drives me nuts! He practices river dancing every night for an hour. -----
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. ¡°How much do you weigh?¡± she asked.
¡°135,¡± I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, ¡°Your height?¡±
¡°5 foot 4,¡± I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
¡°Of course it¡¯s high!¡± I screamed. ¡°When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I¡¯m short and fat!¡± ----- Thought Of The Day:??Protected In the Future "To be protected in the future, one must be saved in the past."
- Anonymous -----
Patient to his doctor: "I have forgotten so many things lately, and it¡¯s getting worse. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. On that note, I'd like to remind you about the $800 that you owe me." -----
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!" -----
Thought Of The?Day:??When I'm Right ¡°I may not always be right, but when I am, I admit it.¡±
- Ken Murray -----
A guy gets bitten by a zombie but he hasn't completely turned yet. The end of his finger fell off so he handed it to a non-infected man saying, "This can happen to you, now run!"
Before running, the appreciative man looks back and says, "Thanks for the tip!" -----
Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom please? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight."
The Pharmacist gives him the condom but as soon as he does Joey tells him, "Give me another condom because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too."
The Pharmacist gives him another condom and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
"My girlfriend's mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I'm around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move."
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in. Joey lowers his and starts the dinner prayer.
"Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us..." Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, "I didn't know you where this religious."
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied "I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!" -----
Thought Of The?Day: True Patriotism ¡°True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.¡±
- Clarence Darrow -----
¡°I¡¯m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,¡± said the father to his son.
¡°Don¡¯t worry Dad,¡± he replied. ¡°They still teach the same thing at both ends.¡± -----
Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me.
Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read: Do not take with broccoli. -----
Thought Of The?Day:??Don't Expect Us To Be Impressed ¡°Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.¡±
- Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay |
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"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man. -----
Calvin sees Elmer and asks, "What¡¯s up?"
Elmer says, "First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."
"Boy, you had quite a time."
"I¡¯ll say! I thought I¡¯d never pull through that spelling test." -----
Thought Of The?Day:??An Escape From Reality ¡°Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality. It's a way of understanding it.¡±
¨D Lloyd Alexander' Received from aJokeADay. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My Birthday Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."? The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23. -----
More Tips from Employees to Their ManagersIf you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.? Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. -----
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
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Still More Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once
From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate." From my dentist: "I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."? From a restaurant server: "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."
Received from ArcaMax Jokes. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: I enjoy helping my friends, my partner and family members. I feel doing good deeds is important in my retirement. My hands are pretty full with getting my elderly dad to medical visits, and I also visit him three times a week. I also have older single friends I do things for, such as occasionally dropping off meals and running errands. Lately, I have been asked to provide transportation to medical appointments for no less than three of these friends. One, in particular, is more of a friend of my partner. Nevertheless, she expects a lot of me. I feel taking care of my dad and my partner keeps me busy enough. I feel pressured by these other friends. If I say no to them, I feel guilty. How do I gracefully bow out with these folks? One of them has implied I'm not a good friend if I don't help them get to the doctor, sit with their dog, etc. She never seems to remember past good deeds and loves to start arguments with everyone (she only has one or two friends left). Any advice? -- WEARY MAN IN WISCONSIN DEAR WEARY MAN: For some folks, it's only a short step from being a people-pleaser to being a doormat. You have been kind and helpful; now it's time to start helping yourself. You shouldn't feel guilty for saying no to entitled individuals. The woman you described is one of them, so don't expect her to be grateful for the time and effort you have already given. Developing the ability to say no is similar to weightlifting. Start small, work your way up, and in a short time, you will have developed the muscle. Try it. You'll like it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I met on the debate team in high school. We would get into heated debates about every topic, and I think it was one of the things he loved most about me. Fast-forward 14 years and a couple of children later, and I don't have the fire in me to debate "oranges vs. strawberries" anymore. Every time I state a simple opinion, he tries to engage in a debate, but he goes from zero to 100 in a minute and forgets to listen to my opinion. I have taken to "letting him win" just to shut him up because I don't want to hear it. He gets frustrated when I do this and always says that it's what we used to do. Abby, my priorities have changed. I'm calmer than I used to be, and most of my attention is focused on our kids. I'm tired of the constant arguing, but I know he enjoys it. Please help me find a common ground with my husband. -- NO FIGHT LEFT IN ME DEAR NO FIGHT: Some couples enjoy contention as a form of foreplay. If you haven't told your husband what you have related to me, it is important that you do. Since "debating" has been an established pattern in your marital relationship, you may need a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you get your message across, because your husband may have difficulty adjusting to the change in how you communicate. |
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 27, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 27, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson?(1803 - 1882) American essayist
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One-Liner:??Someone just accused me of plagiarism; their words, not mine.
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Quote?
People don't always say, 'I love you.' Sometimes it sounds like: - Be safe.
- Did you eat?
- Call me when you get home.
- I made you this.
- Unknown
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A Body Funny
Doctor: You need to listen to your body more often.
My body: You're old and you want cheese.
>>>Today's Thot
One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.
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A Vacation Funny
My wife and I were planning a vacation down to sunny South Florida from Atlanta. We were going to visit her parents and they really wanted to see their grandchildren, Chris (4 yrs old) and Becky (2 yrs old).
We had been telling the kids, that we soon would be "going to Miami to see grandma and grandad." We explained that it would take two days to drive there and that we would stop at different neat places along the way. They were really excited.
A couple of days before we were to leave, Chris came up to me and asked me, "How many more days before we go to Your Ami?" I just died laughing.
>>>Today's Thot
My company is better at making sun-screen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!
Received from Mikey's Funnies
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Some additions from Guy Gogh
And some additions from Guy His racing cousin ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡.¡.. C. D. Car Gogh His?uncle the chef ¡¡¡¡¡..¡........... Escar Gogh His aunt the painter ¡¡¡..¡¡¡... Cezanne Gogh His?nephew?who?repossesses .... Seize-and Gogh His father the zeppelin pilot ¡. Hindenburg Gogh His live-in adult son?.......................... Won't Gogh His other live-in adult?son .................. Willy Gogh They seem to be getting worse, it's time to Gogh
Received from Phyllis Ingram.
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Free to Go
Jon and Amanpreet were in an institution.? This place had an annual contest where they picked two of the best patients and asked them two questions.? If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.? The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct.? What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet.? He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in.? The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said, answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.? "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered. "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes." ----- ContributionsThe newspaper where I worked had just announced that when its new building was completed, the old one would be donated to the United Way. A few days later, someone came into our office soliciting contributions to that same organization. "I'm sorry," one reporter quipped. "We already gave the office." ----- ProcrastinationMy sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. "I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same book. I had bought it a couple of years ago."
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Multiple Choice The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." -----
- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky
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Transportation in Heaven And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge." The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."? A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard." ----- Child's Perspective on Retirement A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.? "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren." ------ Martin talks about the earthquake we had in LA this morning, what he was up to do during the Northridge earthquake in 1994, filming Bad Boys Ride or Die, Detroit dedicating a day to him, meeting fans, crazy rumors about him, his new comedy tour Ya¡¯ll Know What It Is, his daughters seeing his shows, hecklers, and his relationship with the late great James Earl Jones.
More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes
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"Germany has just rolled out a new law banning hate speech. The law is tricky to implement because everything sounds like hate speech when it's spoken in German." -Conan O'Brien
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"Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it's great for people who like watching sports completely still. 'Wow! What a catch - nobody move! Oh, now we're watching Lifetime.'" -Jimmy Fallon
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"A new study has determined that people in relationships can detect infidelity in their partner's voice. Especially when their voice says, 'You're home early!'" -Seth Meyers
***
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last week we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'That's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Received from Gopher Central
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DEAR ABBY: I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my oldest brother (six years my senior) from ages 6 to 11. As soon as I could verbalize what was happening, I went to my parents and told them. They believed me, but swept it under the rug and didn't provide any kind of therapy or treatment for either of us. At 15, I had a mental breakdown. After that, I said, "It's not like I will ever forget what he did to me." My mother finally decided to get me a therapist. Through years of therapy (I'm 25 now) I found healing, grace and forgiveness, but I feel that is for me to know and no one else's business. Even though my parents know exactly what my brother did, they continue trying to mend our relationship, although I have expressed that I never want to have a relationship with him again. My brother is now engaged to a woman he's been with for four years. She has met everyone in my family except me. She has never reached out to me, which I find odd. I know my brother hasn't given her the whole truth about what he did to me as a child because he still tries to downplay it. If I were being married to someone and had met every member of their family except their only sister, I'd be suspicious and would want to know why. Should I send his fiancee an anonymous letter giving her all the details??-- VICTIMIZED IN THE SOUTH DEAR VICTIMIZED:?If you send your brother's fiancee an anonymous letter, she could construe it as "someone," possibly an old girlfriend, trying to break them up. Between you and me, I do think someone should warn her about her fiance's history. If you are willing to risk doing it, your family is sure to be very upset. However, if you are determined to send that letter, you should have the courage to sign your name.
DEAR ABBY: My mom is getting remarried at the age of 84 to a man who is 83 and has never been married. They got engaged after dating for six months. I think it's unwise, but I want her to be happy, so I will go to the wedding. She asked her best friend to be her maid of honor, and then asked my brother to be best man because her fiance didn't have anybody who would do it. I expressed my frustration that she asked him to be best man and not me to be her maid of honor. Now she wants me to be the maid of honor, but I really don't want to do it because I'm not in favor of the marriage. Looking back, I should've kept my mouth shut about my frustration. Should I do it out of love and respect for Mom, or hold my ground because I really think it's a bad idea? I don't want to be her maid of honor for so many reasons.?-- INDECISIVE IN INDIANA DEAR INDECISIVE:?You were outspoken regarding your reservations about the wedding, which is likely why your mother asked her best friend to do it. She has now invited you to be her maid of honor because you told her you felt left out. Whether you support your mother's decision to marry this man or not, the wedding is going to happen. Unless you intend to find yourself increasingly distanced in the months and years to come, accompany your mom to the altar, wish her well and cross your fingers. |
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 26, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 26, 2024? ? ? ? ??
?Okay, this is a little more than one sentence, but it is a zinger! The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
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There was once a bass guitar player that was getting a divorce from his wife. The court ordered that his wife was guaranteed to HALF of what he owned.
So she got his E string and his D string.
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Carol: What¡¯s your pet pig¡¯s name?
Alice: Ballpoint.
Carol: Is that his real name?
Alice: No, that¡¯s his pen name.
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Thought Of The Day:??A Lesson Adults Should Learn "Children have a lesson adults should learn, to not be ashamed of failing, but to get up and try again. Most of us adults are so afraid, so cautious, so 'safe,' and therefore so shrinking and rigid and afraid that it is why so many humans fail. Most middle-aged adults have resigned themselves to failure."
- Malcolm X
Received from aJokeADay.com
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Quote "Any time we practice hospitality we follow in the steps of our lavishly hospitable God." - Dustin Willis
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Government A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A homeowner went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard. "Do you have a plan?" asked the director. "Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed. "That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said, "Here's your permission." A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary." "But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away." "Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized." Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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Cooking
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
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"Microsoft founder Bill Gates gave a speech yesterday. And in that speech, he apologized for making the ctrl-alt-delete function on computers so complicated. But then he added, I mean, I'm as sorry as I can be about something that made me $85 billion." -- James Corden
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"I read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU'RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell." -- Jimmy Fallon
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"Eighty years ago today, J. R. R. Tolkien's book 'The Hobbit' was released. To give you an idea what 80 years feels like, watch the movie." -- Seth Meyers
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Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out.
Next to "Reason for visit?" he wrote, "My wife made me."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
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The Lawyer and the Car AccidentA very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."? "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!" -----
Beatles Computer Song - Let It BeWhen I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C. Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.? If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C. Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C. Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C. _____
Airline Safety In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."? Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
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Video:?? Borderlands is an experimental film that attempts to fit as many dumb cliches, bad tropes, and stale action into a single film as possible. But there is hope, the prophecy speaks of a single mouth-breather with so little going on upstairs they will honestly enjoy the Borderlands movie. Are YOU the drooling moron of legend? Comment below with "duhhhhh" or "guhhhhh" to fulfill your destiny. Jokes by ArcaMax.
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 25, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 25, 2024??
Today's Clean Limerick
My pet rabbit has fur that is plush. When I groom her, I don't like to rush. ????????????I just like to go slow ????????????And suppose that you know 'Bout the best thing to use:?a?hare?brush. ? Conrad and Jim and Bill and Chris and Dick got it.
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q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
"The best way to keep one's word is not to give it."
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
"Be sincere; be brief; be seated."
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
-- Fletcher Knebel
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Today's One-Liner
Okay, this is a little more than one sentence, but it is a zinger! The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
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Bishop's RoleWe were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
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Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?
A: At forks in the road.
Q: What kind of phones do people in jail use?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?
A: A dirty double crosser!
Q: What do you call a cow that has had a baby?
A: Decalfinated!
----- Take Him to the Zoo?
Once upon a time, there was a policeman that saw a man sitting in a car with a tiger sitting next to him. The police officer said, "It's against the law to have a tiger in your car. Take him to the zoo."
The next day the police officer saw the same man in the same car with the same tiger. The police officer said, "I thought I told you to take that tiger to the zoo."
The man replied, "I did. He liked it. Now we're going to the beach."
Received from Daily Groaner
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"This week was Earth Science week. It's the week you have to celebrate if you aren't smart enough for bio or chemistry week." -- Seth Meyers
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"New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the 'American Dream.' That's when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China." -- Jimmy Fallon
"I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone unless they're very funny." -- Jimmy Kimmel
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.
"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband's help.
"The word is eight letters long and starts with 'm', and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'"
"Monogamy," he answered.
Received from Clean Laffs / Gopher Central
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b i t s . n . b o b s
10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise?
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
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s t i l l . m o r e . q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."
--Mitch Hedberg
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles."
--Charlie Chaplin
"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
--Johnny Carson
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What's On the Web?
18 Horror Movies With Diabolically Clever Foreshadowing
From Cracked.com: Horror movies are built for maximum shock and surprise, right? As it turns out, not so much. In fact, they're crammed to the ear-tufts with hints about what's coming. Here's 18 hints of things to come...
Visit:?
State Mottos
Do you know your state's motto? Well, this website provides curious folks a quick, easy guide to learn the motto, nickname, and more about the 50 states.
Visit:?
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b i t s . n . b o b s
*-- Ten Signs That You're Too Old for Halloween --*
1. You get winded from knocking on the door.
2. You have to ask someone to chew your candy for you.
3. You ask for high fiber candy only.
4. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
5. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
6. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
7. By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
8. You carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
9. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
10. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
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Even More Quotes
"I read that white giraffes were just caught on video for the first time ever. Researchers knew that they were white, cuz they were drinking pumpkin spice lattes." -- Jimmy Fallon
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"The Italian restaurant chain 'Villa Italian Kitchen' is adding a new pumpkin spice pizza to its menu. And if you like that, you're gonna love Starbucks' new Linguini Mocha." -- Seth Meyers
"More people have died taking selfies than have been killed by sharks. My policy is, you should treat selfies like you treat drinking. Try not to do it alone, definitely don't do it while you're driving, and if you take more than two or three a day, you should probably seek help." -- James Corden
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I tried to explain to a client why I couldn't help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn't know.
"Let's say you're asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I'm fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don't understand Chinese, I'm not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?"
He said he did and thanked me.
The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, "Why is So-and-So asking us if we're fluent in Chinese?"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story about the Royal Air Force hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of the f***ers behind me, three f***ers to my right, and another f***er on the left," he told the audience.
The headmistress went pale and interjected: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft."
Sir Douglas replied, "That is true, madam, but these f***ers were in Messerschmitts."
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What's On the Web?
Halloween Pumpkin Carving
Too lazy to go out and get a pumpkin, then do it online. Carve your own pumpkin and share it with friends and family. How horrible can you make yours?
Visit:?
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Block Buster Game
Match colored blocks as fast as you can in this Tetris-style puzzler. Super fun!
Visit:?
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 24, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 24, 2024
Today's Clean Limerick? ?
There's nuclear belt that I placed Through the loops of my pants with distaste. ????????????And the worst thing, you see, ????????????That it's doing to me Is the?radioactive?waist.
Received from Kirk Miller
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A Coma Funny
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."
"37" came the weak reply from Lena.
>>>Today's Thot
I hate when people ask what I did yesterday. I don't know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something. Sighed heavily, The list goes on
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After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and?Abel.
As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked,?"Father, what's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
>>>Today's Thot
Microchips: What's left at the bottom of the bag.
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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.? I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.? She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.? The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced.? "What?!" exclaimed the teacher.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset.? "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.? This conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me:? "Don't touch me!"
Her:? "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" etc.? Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
>>>Today's Thot
Just booked a vacation to Greenwich. Not sure what I'm going to do in the mean time.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Unexpected Plot Twist in The American Missionary's ToastA missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast." A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief." So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!" The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.
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Qualified AccountantThe company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director.
The chief executive thought that one candidate, Charles, seemed ideal. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Charles also had a master's degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques.
"Charles," said the chief executive, "we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified, we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you $84,000 a year."
"Thank you," replied Charles. "But how much is that per month?" ----- Car 34 A young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency and he leaves the scanner on all the time.
One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,
"Car 34, there is a 17-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."
There was a long pause, then some static.
Slowly, a voice said, "Uh ... We can't get the car started."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth. ----- Daughter's WeddingLionel is getting quite bald and his elder daughter's wedding is coming up. All his friends and family would be there, and, well, even men can be vain. He gets fitted with an expensive toupee. On the wedding day, everything went well. Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, "What's the matter, Daddy? Why are you so sad?"
"I'm not really sad, darling," he replies, "it's just that I'm sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."
"No they didn't, Daddy," she says, "No one I told knew."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
----- Join the CircusA man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"- Received from GCFL.
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Save Your Money Hypocrisy
My husband-to-be helped his aunt take the furniture of her boyfriend's home to a charity after the gentleman had passed away. She asked him if we still needed anything for our new life, and he told her that we had everything but a bedroom set. She graciously gave him the master bedroom set from the home. The problem was that the poor man had died on the mattress, and I wanted to replace it with a new mattress, with my next paycheck. I really didn't want to sleep on a bed that someone had died in. My mother-in-law-to-be heard the story. She urged me not to be silly and to use the perfectly good mattress instead of spending the money on a new one. My mother-in-law-to-be soon came for an overnight visit. The next morning she came out of her bedroom, and immediately asked me how I had slept, and I told her I had had a great night's sleep. She promptly reminded me of how I had foolishly wanted to buy a new mattress, and that I didn't appear to have suffered much sleeping on a bed that someone had died in. I quickly answered that I had indeed bought a new mattress, and it was she that had slept on the poor man's mattress. It's really fun to watch a person's face turn that many shades of "pale"!
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?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"
His mother replies, "What is he shouting?"
"Ice creams! Come get your ice cream.."
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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Thought Of The Day:??The Secret of Life "The secret of life is to fall seven times and to get up eight times."
- Paulo Coelho
Received from aJokeADay.com
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| Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar" " ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other, and then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men ... -----
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old ... -----
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is... -----
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
... -----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- | A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling ... -----
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I ...
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The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. His attempts to get tickets for an on... -----
12. "Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?"
11. "Your place or my Mom's?"
10 "I... uh... ummm... I... uh... (slaps own forehead) Stupid! STOO-pid!"
9. "You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend."
8. "I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby."
7. "Date, or ... -----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com |
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You Can Do More Than You Think!
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 23, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 23, 2024? ??
Conrad's Limerick? ?? ? Nan¡¯s the hungriest person I¡¯ve met. She consumes all the food she can get. When she picked up her fork In upstate New York Then I said to her, ""
Received from Conrad Macina
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Kirk's Limerick
When Columbus and others unfurled Countries' flags in the wind, they all swirled ????????????On the ships in each bay. ????????????Land was mapped.??Folks did say Western hemisphere was the?knew?world. ? Chris got it.??Several people had good answers, but not what I was looking for.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
Junior wanted the lamp on at bedtime because he was a light sleeper. ? Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote possibility. ? Some children think that their parents are all no-ing. ? There was a circus fire eater who married his old flame after a long and extinguished career.??He planned to teach his son the family business, but his ulcer flared up and he was unable to pass the torch. ? A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets.??Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig.??The little hog laughed to see such a plight, and the sow jumped over the coon.
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Car Needs RepairJill's car was unreliable and she kept telling her husband John about it, but when he would drive it, it would always seem fine. So he dismissed it thinking that she was exaggerating. Then he got a call.
John: "Hi honey."
Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"
John: "What!? Where are you?"
Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."
John: "And where's the car?"
Jill: "It's in here with me..."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth? ----- Coast Guard Field TripOne day my son's fourth-grade class went on a field trip to the Woods Hole, Mass., Coast Guard station. As a young ensign guided the spirited nine and ten-year-olds on the tour, a fellow guardsman came up, slapped the ensign on the back, and said, "I see they finally gave you your own command."
Received from Ed.?Received from Ed. via GCFL.
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A Trial Funny
"I previously sent a donation, but I failed to send my profound thanks for being a recipient of this daily pick-me-upper. It helps me to get started on a new day. And at age 85, I need that additional morning spurt along with a cup of java.
"So, a bazillion thanks for what your contributions are doing in the people in our congregation and our community - simply because you have obeyed the call to start and maintain this humorous resource. May God grant you many more years of touching countless people with Mikey's Funnies." Wes
>>>Today's Funny
The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict.
After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner.
Judge: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?"
Foreman: "Insanity, sir."
Judge: "What, all twelve of you?"
>>>Today's Thot
I can't remember the name of my homing pigeon but I'm sure it'll come back to me.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Submitted by?
The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!
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Submitted by?
A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Thought Of The Day:??You Must Stay Drunk ¡°You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.¡±
¨D Ray Bradbury
Received from aJokeADay.com ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
| A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"
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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven... -----
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the ...
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A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is ... ----- |
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| Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. ... -----
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
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O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh ... -----
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with ... -----
Harrison dismisses the notion that Yoko Ono was the cause of the Beatles' breakup, stating that the group had issues long before she came along.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com |
Majority Of Wives Admit They Only Clean The House So They Can Smugly Apologize For How Messy It Is When Their Friends Come Over ¡¤Aug 30, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
U.S. ¡ª A new scientific study published in the September issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine suggests that a majority of wives only clean their house so they can smugly apologize for how messy it is whenever their friends come over. "Oh, I'm so sorry. My place is just such a mess," Tiffany Sanders, the subject of a case study, said as she invited friends into her immaculate home. "I just don't have any time!" Single women and all men are reportedly immune to this behavior. According to the study, the phenomenon may be the result of most women's innate desire to be better than everyone else and to destroy their enemies without losing their ability to apologize for everything all the time. The only wives who did not participate in the behavior were either blind, paraplegic, or both. "Women are literally torturing themselves," said Dr. Imogen Goldwraith, one of the leading wife scientists in the country. "They only clean so they can rub it in the face of other women. But they never receive fulfillment because another wife ends up doing the same thing to them. They get locked in a vicious cycle, attempting to one-up each other ad infinitum." "Oh, and please excuse the mess," she added, motioning to her pristine lab she had just spent 12 hours cleaning. "I just can't do a thing with it." At publishing time, a companion study had been released by husband scientists revealing that a majority of husbands don't even notice when the house is dirty. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend's mom has dementia. He asked me and my kids to move in with him and said he would marry me. In exchange, he expected me to quit my job and take care of his mom. I felt it was a disaster waiting to happen, and taking care of someone with dementia while raising two teenagers was a terrible idea, so I refused. He put his mother in a nursing home, and now I am no longer treated the same by him. The woman is abusive. She hits and bites and isn't easy to deal with. Living with her would have destroyed our relationship and been stressful for my children. My boyfriend isn't the easiest guy to open up to. I'm sad and don't know what to do. -- TOO MUCH TO HANDLE DEAR TOO MUCH: When your boyfriend proposed marriage, it wasn't because he loved you. He was looking for an easy solution (for him) to his mother problem. To expect you to quit your job and sacrifice your retirement benefits was nervy. You are not trained to care for a violent dementia patient. He treats you differently because he's angry you didn't go along with his plans for you. What you should do now is move on, because his resentment is unlikely to diminish.
DEAR ABBY: For the entirety of our relationship, my wife has never listened to me. It's literally the only thing I've ever asked her to do. She constantly tells me I have nothing worthwhile to say, without ever actually letting me finish a sentence. My mother is coming into some money and offered me a sizable sum, provided I don't tell my wife. I'm seriously considering "taking the money and running." I can no longer deal with the constant emotional abuse. My wife treats her children the same way, and it's disgusting to me. What should I do? -- TEMPTED IN CANADA DEAR TEMPTED: If things are as bad as you have described, talk to an attorney and legally declare your independence. After that's done, take your mother up on her generous offer.
DEAR ABBY: When I married in 1974, my mother had one of my wedding photos of me in my wedding dress and holding my bouquet. It was lovely, and she had it made up into a large 36-inch-by-26-inch portrait with a beautiful frame. It hung in my old bedroom until she passed away. I have had it in a closet in my house ever since. I've asked my daughter and son if they would like to have it, and they don't. I'm wondering if I should throw it away or leave it up to them when I'm gone. Because we have always had a loving relationship, I don't want either of them to feel bad about disposing of it. -- PICTURING THE FUTURE DEAR PICTURING: You must be sentimental about that portrait, or you wouldn't have kept it all these years. Because of that, I don't think you should toss it. After you are gone, your daughter or son may change their mind about having it. Let them decide when the time comes. |
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 22, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for ?September 22, 2024? ??
Todays Puns? ? ? ?
I managed to win some money by gambling with some feathers. Can¡¯t wait to spend my quill gotten gains. ? In a cave outside of Beijing, archeologists found a large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a thousand years.??When they excavated the eggs, people could not believe they were that old.??Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining the evidence, saying that one just had to believe the proof.??For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter? ? The tarot reader started her own business and hoped that success was in the cards. ? In a rush to mine the earth of its minerals, we take quarries for granite. ?
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No."??After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English.??He thereby became the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog.
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Today's Limerick
Want to sell broken quiz machine fast. It's a chore with which I have been tasked. ????????????So I placed online ad ????????????That I thought wasn't bad, Said: five dollars and?no?questions?asked. ? Lars and Conrad and Jim got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Today's One-Liner
?I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but ...? I just left the gas station.
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A Happy Thought
My mmory is improving so much that I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
- Raul el Perro "There is no simple theological answer to pain; the answer is a relationship with God in the midst of pain." - Henry Cloud -----
Keep WalkingAn eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again.? "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer.? I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."? The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.? "Look," he says to the driver.? "You bought the Ford, Dad.? You'll have to live with it!"
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Gullibility, Stress, Riches
Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.
"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind." "It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw." "I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second. "And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third. "Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you." ----- |
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID. 3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. 4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.? 6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the face is effective. 7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed). 8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
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Paradise LostTwo men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been. "Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."??"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?" Says the other man:? "My wife found out." -----Lawyer in Hell A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second." In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.? "I'll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads." ----- A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'" ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com ----- Original Airdate: May 22nd, 1986 Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ____________________________________________________________ And that's how the fight started Received from Phyllis Ingram:
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a?Christmas?gift... ?The next? year, I didn't buy her a gift.? When she asked? me why, I replied, ?? ?"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"? ?????? ?And that's how the fight started... ?????????? ________________________________ ?My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. ??I turned to? her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'? ????????? 'No,' she answered. I then said, ?? ? ? ? ? 'Is that your final answer?' ? She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ¡®Yes', ??So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."? ???????? ?And that's when the fight started... ?????????? ________________________________ ?My? wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he?sat?alone at a nearby table.?swigging his drink as he?sat?alone at a nearby table.? I asked her, "Do you know him?" ??? ?"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." ?? "My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"? ????????? ??? ?? And then the fight started...? ?????????? ________________________________ ?When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it? fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought ofa clever way to make her point.?? ?When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping awaywith a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went intothe house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.??? I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." ?The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ?? ? ? ? ? ______________________________ My wife?sat?down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" ?I said, "Dust." ?? ? ? ? ??And then the fight started... ?????????? ________________________________ ?Saturday?morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.?? ?I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to mywife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."? ????? ?My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my? stupid husband is out fishing in that?" ???????? ?And that's how the fight started.... ?????????? _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. ?She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. ?I bought her a bathroom scale. ??????? ???And then the fight started... ?????????? ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. ?I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.? I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. ?She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. ?When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. ?She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'gotten disability too.' ????????? ?And then the fight started ... ?????????? ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."darn near perfect." ????????? ?And then the fight started ... ?????????? ________________________________ ?I rear-ended a car?this morning¡ the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! ?He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one?ARE?you then?' ???????? ?That's how the fight started. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
? Top 45 Oxymorons ? 45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline Food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military Intelligence 25. Software documentation 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. ¡°Now, then ¡¡± 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works ?
As seen at Joke-of-the-Day
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
~~
DEAR ABBY: My wife's good friend has had a tough time since her divorce. She started dating this guy off and on a few years ago. After the second breakup, we learned the reason. He was verbally abusive (same as her ex-husband). They eventually resumed living together only to break up again after he threw hot cooking oil on her. This qualifies as physical abuse and, because they lived together, domestic abuse. She moved away and was considering a restraining order. Several months have gone by, and now we have learned he has moved back in! We are worried for her and her young daughter. My experience as a former law enforcement officer is why I'm convinced she is trapped in a spiral of domestic abuse. I'm afraid each event will become more violent. How can friends help in these cases? It's easy to spot these cycles when you are not in them. -- STANDING BY IN CALIFORNIA DEAR STANDING BY: The most helpful thing you and your wife can do is continue to stand by this friend. Do not allow her abuser to isolate her. Explain your concerns about the man's hair-trigger temper and your worry that her child could be caught in the middle of one of his violent episodes -- or injured or killed if his fury is aimed directly at the child. You or your wife should talk privately with her. Make sure she has the phone number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233). And reinforce that if she senses she might be in danger, she can call not only the police but also you.
DEAR ABBY: After being widowed for several years, I've met someone. We are talking about my moving into his home. My problem is, what do I do with my husband's ashes? I'll be keeping my house and won't be moving a lot of my things, but leaving him here seems wrong, and taking him along doesn't seem right either. At the time of his death, his children wanted nothing to do with his ashes. Because I haven't heard from them since his passing, asking them again is out of the question. Any idea what I should do? -- RESPECTFUL IN MISSOURI DEAR RESPECTFUL: What did you plan to do with the cremains in the event of your own demise? Have your wishes changed now that you have met someone? Because you haven't heard from your late husband's children doesn't mean you shouldn't contact them one last time. Ask what, if anything, they would like you to do with their father's ashes. Should you send them so they can dispose of them as a family, or would they prefer you scatter them in a significant place of your choosing? Their response will tell you what you need to know, and you can proceed free of guilt. |
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 21, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 21, 2024? ?? ? ? ? In the Clear ? During my time in the Navy, everyone was getting KP or
guard duty except me. Not wanting to get in trouble, I asked the ensign why. ? ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡± he asked. ? ¡°Michael Zyvoloski.¡± ? ¡°That¡¯s why. I can¡¯t pronounce it, much less spell it.¡± ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? ____________________________________________________________ ? ? Twitter Addiction ? A man tells his doctor, ¡°Doc, help me. I¡¯m addicted to
Twitter!¡± ? The doctor replies, ¡°Sorry, I don¡¯t follow you ¡¡± ? Received from Reader's Digest ? __________________________________________________________________ ? ? The Phone Is for You? ? Todd was just falling off to
sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing. At this hour
it was probably for him, she said, closing her eyes. ? Todd rolled out of bed and
trundled downstairs.? When he returned,
his wife was asleep. So he woke her.? 'Wasn't
for me after all,' he said. ? She crawled out of bed and
pulled on a robe. She made her way downstairs, picked up the phone, but no was
was on line. ? When she returned to bed, she
told Todd they'd hung up. ? He responded, 'Of course they
did, they had the wrong number.' ? __________________________________________________________________ ? ? Fourth Wedding? ? A woman walked into a bridal
shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding. ? "Well", replied the
sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?" ? The bride-to-be said, "A
long, frilly white dress with a veil." ? The sales clerk didn't know
quite what to say but finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature
are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time
... for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?" ? "Well", replied the
customer, more than a little put out, "I can assure you that I am as
innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I
remain as innocent as any first-time bride." "You see, my first
husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our
hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way
to the reception and we have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately." ? "What about your third
husband?" asked the sales clerk. ? "Well", said the
woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on
the edge of the bed and told me how good our marriage was going to be. ? Is that deserving a white gowm
and veil or what! ? ~~~ASB:? Pat,??rwilson2@... ? __________________________________________________________________ ? ? Gems from?? ? * Glow in the dark sights are
just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you. ? * Wearing white socks makes
boot zippers break. ? * Coffee jitters will never
bother you until firearm qualification day. ? * Flashlight batteries never
die in the daylight hours. ? * Your mouthiest traffic
violator will be related to the sheriff. ? * If the crooks are within
pistol range, so are you. ? * The speed with which you
respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you
have been an officer. ? * Perfect 10's only show up to
talk when you are busy. ? * Bullet proof vests might be. ? * Old squad cars never die,
they just smell that way. ? __________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Humorous Riddle Just For The
Running Democrats? ? John Kerry meets with the Queen
of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" ? "Well," says the
Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." ? Kerry frowns. "But how do
I know the people around me are really intelligent? ? The Queen takes a sip of tea.
"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to Answer an intelligence
riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would
you?" ? Tony Blair walks into the room.
"Yes, my Queen?" ? The Queen smiles. "Answer me
this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother
and it is not your sister. Who is it?" ? Without pausing for a moment,
Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." ? "Yes! Very good,"
says the Queen. ? Kerry goes back home to ask
John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question. ? "John. Answer this for me.
Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not
your sister. Who is it?" ? "I'm not sure," says
John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one." ? Edwards goes to his advisors
and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.? Finally, he ends up
in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. ? Edwards shouts, "Colin!
Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is? ? it?" ? ? Colin Powell yells back,
"That's easy. It's me!" ? ?Edwards smiles, and says,
"Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I
did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." ? Kerry gets up, stomps over to
John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face,? "No, you idiot! It's
Tony Blair!" ? ~~ ? Vanity Plates: ? GO FETCH PA THE SUIT PA SKYSLMT NJ MERCE ME PA LAB S4MED PA GRN NRGY PA ICU HI PA MAZL TOV NY OH JOY NJ ? ----- ? Bumper Stickers: ? Seen on the same bumper; ? "Vote Democrat: it's easier than working!" "Vote Republican: it's easier than thinking!" ? Syman Says; symansays@... ? ~~ ? Tech Support Joke ? Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. ? Received from mycleanhumor ? ~~ ? BEWARE OF TRASH ? One particular four-year old prayed, ¡°And forgive us our
¡®trash baskets¡¯ as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.¡± ? Received from Joke-of-the-Day ? ? ~~ ?
A man walks into the sheriff's
office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the
man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt,
brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling." ? ----- ?
On a
busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables,
the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in
trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting.
Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to
give out that many quarters. Determined, I ...
----- ?
My husband said he wanted a tie for his
birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can
buy a bloodshot tie? ----- ?
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law
against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
- It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk,
Virginia.
- Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
- In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road
within the city limits.
? Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ? ~~ ? (From the Archives) ? ?
?
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 20, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for?September 20, 2024? ?
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson?(1803 - 1882) American essayist
? __________________________________________________________________ ?
?
Here's Today's CleanPun:? Said Mrs. Nixon to Mrs. Kennedy on the eve of
the 1960 election, "I slept with the future president of the United States
last night." To which Mrs. Kennedy responded, "That Jack'll do
anything for a vote."
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Quote of the Day:??
If I plagiarize, it¡¯s only because I like someone else¡¯s idea better
than mine and I want credit for it. -- Richard W. Lipman
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?Today's One-Liner:?? Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -- John Peers
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
In the Band
?
Sam¡¯s eighth birthday, my brother took him to a football
game. During halftime, a Marine band played, and Sam studied them intently.
?
¡°Why the interest in the band?¡± his father asked.
?
¡°I¡¯m checking to see if Ben and Matt from our synagogue
are in it. They¡¯re Marines.¡±
?
¡°But they¡¯re in Afghanistan.¡±
?
¡°If I were in a marching band, I¡¯d say I was in
Afghanistan too.¡±
?
Provided by Reader's Digest
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
New Cars
?
Visiting a new port is always exciting, and when our
destroyer docked in Kiel, Germany, it was no different. In fact, one of my men
was awestruck.
?
¡°Look, Chief,¡± he whispered excitedly. ¡°They have
Volkswagens over here too!¡±
?
Received from Reader's Digest
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Stolen Wallet
It was John's turn to drive carpool
into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As
they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger.
John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was
on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! Next, he slammed on the brakes,
ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, and John drove off, leaving
him alone at the side of the road.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she
interrupted him, saying,
"Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this
morning?"
Received from Pastor Tim via GCFL.
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Mikey's Thot for the Day:
?
You always get sick on the
second day of your vacation
?
and always recover the day
before you return to work.
?
*? If your feet smell and
your nose runs, you might be built upside down.
?
*? All power
corrupts.? Absolute power is kinda neat though isn't it!
?
*? Your attitude almost
always determines your altitude in life.
?
*? In your vision lies
your Future
?
*? Leaders are like Eagles
- they don't flock, you find them one at a time
?
*? You will never know how
high you can fly unless you spread your wings.
?
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Needing and Getting Time Off
Work?
?
Two factory workers were
talking.? "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the
man.
?
"How do?you think
you'll do that?" said the blonde.
?
He proceeded to show
her...? by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging
upside down.
?
The boss walked in, saw the
worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
?
"I'm a light bulb"
answered the guy.
?
"I think you need some
time off," said the boss.
?
So, the man jumped down and
walked out of the factory.? The blonde began
walking out too. The boss
asked? her where did she think she was going?
?
The blonde answered,
"Home, I can't work in the dark".
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Laughing Baby?
?
A baby boy was just born. He
had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing.
?
I mean laughing real hard.
?
All the doctors and nurses were
examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents. But he kept on
laughing. His tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.
?
One at a time, a pediatrician
unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and ... guess
what he found?
?
The birth control pill!
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Andy Rooney Says?
?
Andy Rooney says, "As I
grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of? all.? Here are
just a few reasons why:
?
A woman over 40 will never wake
you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?"?
She doesn't care what you think.
?
If a woman over 40 doesn't want
to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.? She does something
she wants to do.? And it's usually something more interesting.
?
A woman over 40 knows herself
well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from
whom.? Few women past the age of 40 give
a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
?
Women over 40 are
dignified.? They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in
the middle of an expensive restaurant.? Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
?
Older women are generous with
praise, often undeserved.? They know what
it's like to be unappreciated.
?
A woman over 40 has the
self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.? A? younger
woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust
the guy with other women.? Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're
attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
?
Women get psychic as they
age.? You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always
know.
?
A woman over 40 looks good
wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
?
Once you get past a wrinkle or
two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
?
Older women are forthright and
honest.? They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like
one.? You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
?
Yes, we praise women over 40
for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,? it's not reciprocal. For every
stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of? 40+,? there is a bald, paunchy
relic in yellow pants and white socks making a fool of himself with some
22-year-old waitress.
?
Ladies, I apologize.
?
ANDY ROONEY
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
You Might Be A Bad Customer If
. . .
?
* You go into a convenience
store and buy a pack of gum with a $100 bill then get mad if the cashier can't
give you the right change.
?
* You insist that it's the
cashiers job to tell you where the coupon is and have them tear it out for you,
then complain to the manager
when they don't comply
?
* You call employees by their
first name just because they wear a name tag.
?
* You insist that lines don't
pertain to you and proceed to push past everyone else to get to the head of the
line, because "you're" the special one.
?
* You escort people out of line
for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
?
* You walk into a store at 10
minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30
minutes.
?
* You yell out what a GREAT
TIPPER you are.
?
* ?You *return* the coffee because it's too hot.
?
* ?You order water with extra lemon (as if it was
supposed to come with lemon).
?
* ?You ask for a discount. No reason specified,
just that you should get one.
?
* ?You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc.,
does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they
haven't sold one in over 20 years.
?
* ?If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
?
* ?You have to separate transactions for two
2/$1.00 candy bars
?
* ?You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is
for everyone but you.
?
* ?You ask for a bag, big printed receipt, etc,
when you feel you have been overcharged for something because you want to get
the most out of the company.
?
* ?You can't read the signs or coupons correctly,
insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
?
* ?While standing in front of the huge of TVs,
you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
?
* ?You dare ask for a discount at a restaurant
because your kids didn't like their food after they showed their dislike by
throwing said food on the walls and the floor
?
* ?You chew out the manager of the local
McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to
launch ketchup packets at each other.
?
* ?You pay anything / everything in small change.
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Having Kids at My Age?
?
Checking out of the grocery
store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously.
They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter
has shiny black Haitian skin.
?
The boy continued staring as he
carried our groceries to the car.
?
Finally, he asked. "Those
your kids?"
?
"Yes, they are!" I
answered proudly.
?
"They adopted?" he
asked.
?
"Yes," I replied.
?
"I thought so," he
concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
Lenny and Moe Critique Irving?
?
So Moe and Lenny are strolling
home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly
a cab speeds past and their
friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, arms flailing.
"Well," says Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was
a Sabbath violator! He knows there's no running on the Sabbath but just look at
him trying to catch that cab."
?
"Wait a minute," Moe
replies. "We shouldn't be so quick to judge. I'll bet we can think of many
excuses for Irving's behavior."
?
"Yeah, like what?"
?
"Maybe he's sick and needs
to go to the hospital," Moe suggests.
?
"Come on! He was running
60 miles an hour after that cab ... he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweiss."
?
"Well, maybe his wife is
having a baby."
?
"She had one last week,
Moe."
?
"Maybe he needs to visit
her in the hospital."
?
"She's at home, now."
?
"Well," offers Moe,
"maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
?
"He "is" a
doctor."
?
"Well, maybe he needs
supplies from the hospital."
?
"The hospital," says
Lenny, "is a three minute walk in the OTHER direction."
?
"Well maybe he just forgot
it's the Sabbath!"
?
"Of course he knows it's
Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovanni
tie from Italy ... he never wears it during the week."
?
"Wow, Lenny, you're really
observant," says Moe. "I didn't even notice he was
wearing a tie!"
?
"How could you not notice?
Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
A patient was waiting nervously
in the examination room of a famous specialist.
?
"So who did you see before
coming to me?" asked the important doctor.
?
"My local General
Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."
?
"Your GP?" scoffed
the doctor.? "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless
advice did Cohen give you?"
?
"He told me to come and
see you."
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
All About Horns?
?
*No Horns*
?
The Monday Afternoon Club, an
organization of wealthy city women, met
and decided that this month's
outing was to be at a dairy farm.? Most of
them had lived in the city all
their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
?
The day came, and the ladies
filed into the rented bus which whisked
them off to their
destination.? On the way, they watched out the windows
as the city squalor turned into
lovely, unpolluted countryside.
?
After they arrived, they were
greeted by the farmer who invited them to
look him up should they have
any questions.?
?
Myrtle, after looking about,
and being amazed by what she saw, stepped
into a building and viewed
something she thought was quite remarkable.
She saw the farmer walk by and
hailed him ¨C he sauntered in.
?
"Sir," she inquired,
"Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
?
The farmer cocked his head for
a moment, then began in a patient tone:
"Well, ma'am, cattle can
do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with
a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of
acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are
some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.? But the reason this cow don't
have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
?
__________________________________________________________________
?
?
?
?
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 19, 2014
September 19, 2014??
?
?
Here's Today's CleanPun:? MOTHER OF ALL ETHNIC JOKES
?
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian , an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorra, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajik, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, Chilean, Kyrgyz, Jamaican, Filipino, Ukrainian, Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, Costa Rican, Swede, Bulgarian, Serb, Swiss, Greek, Belgian, Singaporean, an Italian , a Norwegian and 47 Africans all from different African countries all walk into a fine restaurant.
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The ma?tre d' scrutinizes the group one by one, and bars
their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a
Thai."
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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From Richard Lederer <richard.lederer@...>
via Stan Kegel
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Quote of the Day:??
¡°Only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one¡± -- Elvis Presley
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Today's One-Liner:?? And now, for my most amazing feat today, I
shall turn water into coffee!
(And then I will make it disappear.)
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A Goat Funny
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The young couple invited their
elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.? While they were in the kitchen
preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
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"Goat," the little
boy replied.
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"Goat?" replied the
startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
?
"Yep," said the
youngster.? "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to
have the old goat for dinner.'"
?
-----
?
I will no longer be
"growing old," I'll be "going for a high score." Who's with
me?
?
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Too Short
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The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time
I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client¡¯s file that read ¡°Insured has
POO on damaged items.¡±
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Provided by Reader's Digest
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Serious Infection
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My helicopter crew landed on a frigate in order to
evacuate a sick sailor who, we later learned, was suffering from a skin
infection called cellulitis. When we arrived, we asked a crewman what was
wrong.
Pointing to the stricken sailor, he said, ¡°She has
cellulite.¡±
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Received from Reader's Digest
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New Cars
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Visiting a new port is always exciting, and when our
destroyer docked in Kiel, Germany, it was no different. In fact, one of my men
was awestruck.
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¡°Look, Chief,¡± he whispered excitedly. ¡°They have
Volkswagens over here too!¡±
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Reader's Digest Humor in Uniform
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q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
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"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." -- Phyllis Diller
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"Politicians should read science fiction, not
westerns and detective stories." -- Arthur C. Clarke
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"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as
possible." -- George Burns
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-----
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b i t s . n . b o b s
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*-- In Chicago It's the Law --*
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- It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
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- In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of
a bucket while sitting on the curb.
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- Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
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- Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
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- It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's
neck.
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- Spitting is forbidden
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- It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as
long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
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Received from The Mouthpiece
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Laughable Limerick
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A Puppy whose hair was so flowing
There's really was no means of knowing
Which end was his head
Once stopped me and said,
"Please, sir, am I coming or going?"
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From Sara and John E. Brewton via Syman Says; symansays@...
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Tech Support Nightmares ¨C Installing the
Internet
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Back in the early days of the Internet, Internet Service
Providers (ISPs) would provide a disc (CD) with an installation program so that
the user could connect to the Internet with their company. Those were the days
where you had to use a phone line and a modem! (shudder)
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Customer: I¡¯m trying to connect to the Internet with your
CD, but it just doesn¡¯t work. What am I doing wrong?
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Tech support: OK, you¡¯ve got the CD in the CD drive,
right?
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Customer: Yeah¡.
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Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven¡¯t got a computer. It¡¯s
in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen¡..
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Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
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Received from mycleanhumor
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Baby
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At 3 AM in the morning, a young wife shook her husband
awake.
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Groggily he asked "What is it?"
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"The baby," she reminded him.
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The husband sat up and listened intently.
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"But I don't hear her crying," he protested.
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"I know, and it's your turn to see why not!"
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From Da Mouse Tracks via Doc's Daily Chuckle
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THE BLESSING
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My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, ¡°Would you like to say the
blessing?¡±
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¡°I wouldn¡¯t know what to say,¡± she replied. ¡°Just say
what you hear Mommy say,¡± my wife said.
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Our daughter bowed her head and said, ¡°Dear Lord, why on
earth did I invite all these people to dinner?¡±
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Received from Joke-of-the-Day
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Kid: Why is some of your hair
white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa¡¯s hair is all white!
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-----
After serving for several years
in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the
Senate.
A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.
Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."
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Thought of the Day:? I
Don't Believe In Reincarnation
¡°I don¡¯t believe in
reincarnation, and I didn¡¯t believe in it when I was a hamster.¡±
- Shane Richie
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Received from aJokeADay.com
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Daily Thoughts
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"Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent
how you take it." -- Irving Berlin
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"My imagination can picture no fairer happiness than
to continue living for art." -- Clara Schumann
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"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of
my glass." -- David Lee Roth
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A Lawyer!
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Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following
problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
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"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
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After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris
raised his hand.
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The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
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With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris
answered, "A lawyer!"
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The Boss
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A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The
shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The
parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
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"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man
wondered.
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The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a
computer."
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The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
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"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do
everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating
system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
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"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
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"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
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The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen
him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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Received from Steve's Just for Grins
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A specialist is someone who knows more and more about
less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
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A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less
about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.
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A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about
everything until he knows everything about everything. But, it¡¯s too late.
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??????? From
Candace
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-----
?
(From the Archives)
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A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed
in his backyard.
?
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
?
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map
of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed.
?
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled
out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said,
"Here's your permit."
?
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation
also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as
far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith,"
said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and
I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
?
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my
neighbor got her permit right away."
?
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that
was before we finally got organized."
?
??????? From
Pastor Tim
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Don¡¯t forget to Love Yourself ...
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Received from Teddi's Humor List; redactatrix@...
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 18, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 18, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ?
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Here's Today's CleanPun:? In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed
quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community
came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long
Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's
sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and tape
the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw
what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbas goys to tape the
sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks'
time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got
wise to this. The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a
tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the
congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said
this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.
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?
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Quote of the Day:??
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -- Geraldo Rivera
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Today's One-Liner:?? "Why do people who know the least know
it the loudest?"
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TIME TO PRAY
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A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every
night.
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¡°Yes sir,¡± the boy replied.
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¡°And, do you always say them in the morning, too?¡± the
pastor asked.
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¡°No sir,¡± the boy replied. ¡°I ain¡¯t scared in the
daytime.¡±
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Received
from Joke-of-the-Day
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Tax Sayings
For every tax problem there is a
solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
How do you know if you have a good tax accountant? They have a loophole named
after them.
What's the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't meet every year
to make death more complicated.
Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10,
they get $40.
Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the
exact same way.
Where there's a will, there's a tax shelter.
Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.
Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.
They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who
can't.
Received from Colin Smith via GCFL.
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Punnies
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Nurses often have to check their patient's impulse
without missing a beat.
The price of hearing aids has gone up. Mutes across the
country are asking "How much?"
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Speech and ghost writers, who struggle to make a living,
object to the free speech provision in the American Constitution. (Alex)
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There's a self-help group for compulsive talkers called
On and On and On Anon.
This morning I woke up late, and, now, I'm scrambling to
make breakfast (Bruce Hidgon)
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When the marathon runner missed the right turn, he ended
up left alone. (Jumble: Arnold
& Argirlon)?
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With so much now on-line, is it realistic for one to have
their soul existence in the Internet. (Jeremy Alperin)
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You should never take rocks for granite.
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?
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The first flight attendants were men whose main job
function was to handle baggage. When United Airlines decided to put women on
their planes in 1930, all of the stewardesses they hired were nurses, based on
the theory that nurses would be most capable of handling passengers' needs on
bumpy flights.
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??????? From Terri
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(From the Archives)
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I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's
least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat
everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.
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I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he
wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
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Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying
to delay the inedible."
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Received
from Teddi's Humor List
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Daily Trivia Question:?
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What's on the Web?
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 17, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 17, 2024? ? ?
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Punnies
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Cold weather mechanics have to jacket up.
Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's
all lice.
Gun control is the subject of a loud report.
I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I
didn't win but I came varicose.
I had an idea for a new diet. I would lose weight by
visiting a different Italian restaurant each meal. I call it my leaning tour of
pizza. (Bill Crider)
If a parsley farm worker fails to pay his taxes, the IRS
will garnish his wages.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still
on the list.
Middle age: A time when action creaks louder than words.
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If Only You Had Looked
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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a
conversation.
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"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
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"I froze to death," says the second.
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"That's awful," says the first man. "How
does it feel to freeze to death?"
?
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the
second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
?
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at
home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I
rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the
second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the
attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
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The second man shakes his head. "That's so
ironic," he says.
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"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
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"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,
we'd both be still alive."
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-----
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Other Police Quotes
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"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
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"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
?
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
?
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but
I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
?
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
?
-----
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Fallen
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There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
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One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one
more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
?
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code
word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
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This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went
well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
?
About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the
mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
?
The priest said, "You have to do something about the
sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking
about having fallen."
?
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had
told the new priest about the code word.
?
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
about, your wife fell three times this week."
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-----
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All Numbers Are Equal
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Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a
and b, and let t = a + b. Then
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a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = of - tb
a^2 - of = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
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So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
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Received
from ArcaMax Jokes
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Stop the Presses
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These holiday ¡°headlines¡± ¡ª concocted by the satirists at
the Onion ¡ª are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
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Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
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Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know
What You Really Think
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Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
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Book Given as Gift Actually Read
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Is the Client Always Right?
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A graphic designer on the phone with his client.
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Designer:? Hi. I¡¯m
just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say
¡°programs¡± for the third question.
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Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate.
Just copy it over exactly as it says. I¡¯ll explain it nice and slowly for you.
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Designer: ¡°Please indicate which pogroms you¡¯ve
attended¡±?
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Client: Yeah, that should be programs.
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Received
from Reader's Digest
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Your Move
?
I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ¡°Let¡¯s
make this more interesting.¡± So we stopped playing chess.
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Reader's
Digest Daily Life
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Clean Laffs
?
"A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years
after it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded with enough
food for exactly 23 years.'" --
Jimmy Fallon
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"A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to
$25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime?
Luckily, he made a clean getaway." -- Jay Leno
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"For the first time ever, scientists have created
artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate
clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its
slaves, etc." -- Jimmy
Kimmel
?
-----
?
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she
was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a
lift chair that slid along the staircase.
?
Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made
it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric
chair."
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*--------------
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
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A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long
John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island
and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.
?
"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you
wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places,
poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed
parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."
?
"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay,"
said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as
possible."
?
"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine,"
said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you
come back on Thursday you can have it."
?
"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make
it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."
?
Received
from Joe's Clean Laffs
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School Days
?
Abraham Lincoln wrote that he "went to Aschools by
littles" -- a few weeks or a few months at a time.? And all his schooling added together
"did not amount to one year."
The rest of lincoln's education came from reading,
reading, reading -- and from listening and from seeing and thinking about what
was going on around him. This is from one of Abraham Lincoln's school
notebooks. He may have been eleven years old when he wrote this...
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"Abraham Lincoln his hand and pen.
He will be good but God knows when.
?
From The
Abraham Lincoln Joke Book via Syman Says;symansays@...
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Tech Support Joke
?
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
?
Customer: A white one ¡
?
Received
from mycleanhumor
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Missing Pages
?
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the
library.
?
The librarian quips after checking the books. "Sir,
your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single
book."
?
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from
removing an appendix whenever I see one."
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-----
?
Permit
?
A zoning board had just been set up in a new
community.? A homeowner went to the
office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.? "Do you have a plan?" asked the
director.? "Oh, yes," said the
owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and
a sketch of the shed.
?
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled
out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said,
"Here's your permit."
?
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation
also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as
far as a secretary, and made her request.
?
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary,
taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary."
?
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my
neighbor got her permit right away."
?
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that
was before we finally got organized."
?
From
Pastor Tim via Doc's Daily Chuckle
?
?
?
Elderly Joke
?
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had
three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
?
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this
would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
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Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur
included thinking he would surely win her approval.
?
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he
bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to
memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the
parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would
find that!
?
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said,
"Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I
only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care
of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
?
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car
is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive
and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
?
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I
just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but
delicious."
?
Received
from aJokeADay.com
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Daily Trivia
Question:?
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What's on the Web?
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Daily Clean Jokes for September 16, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for??September 16, 2024? ?
DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH? ?? Part 1
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1) Air conditioning. 2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL: The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
>>>Today's Thot
Looking back, I really hurt my neck.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!" ----- |
My wife was shopping and sent me a picture of her in a dress she was thinking of buying and asked me, ¡°Does this dress make me look big?¡±
I answered back, "Noooo..."
Autocorrect changed my answer, to ¡°Moooo...¡±
Please send help! -----
Why did the ballplayer bring a rope to the game?
He wanted to tie the score. -----
"Oh, I'm so happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mom will do the trick she has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit us again. ----- Submitted by?
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, ¡°Didn¡¯t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?¡±
The businessman replies, ¡°That¡¯s the accountant we¡¯re looking for.¡± -----
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone.
"Why not tell her it was me this time?" I suggested.
"Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time." |
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?
Today's One-Liner
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?
Thoughts Of The Day: Art Reaches Its Greatest Peak ¡°Art reaches its greatest peak when devoid of self-consciousness. Freedom discovers man the moment he loses concern over what impression he is making or about to make.¡± - Bruce Lee (Tao of Jeet Kune Do)? --- The Problem With Haters "The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story."
- Maya Angelou ----- Never Hated A Man Enough ¡°I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.¡±
¨D?Zsa Zsa Gabor Received from AJokeaday __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?
Why Ask Why?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here".? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?
It¡¯s my wife¡¯s birthday soon and she¡¯s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack! -----
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
-----
Thought Of The Day: Stronger Than Gratitude "Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."
- Anne Frank
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?
|
One day little Tommy was walking with an older neighborhood kid named Billy Bob and he got curious.
¡°Billy Bob,¡± Tommy asked, ¡°How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?¡±
¡°Well,¡± Billy Bob answered, ¡°When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I...
----- |
- A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
- Dr. Kervorkian was seen filling IV bottles at pool side.
- You haven¡¯t seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke¡¯s last movie.
- The amount of body hair found covering drain gives Prince Albert a run for his money.
-----
An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
¡°Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?¡±
The blonde said, ¡°How about 50 dollars?¡± ...
-----
The CIA is investigating who leaked the story that they have secret prisons in Europe. They are furious and say if they find the person who did it, they will send them to a secret prison Europe."?-- Jay Leno
-----
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down ...
-----
More Jokes You May Have Missed from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?
DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away from COVID in 2021. A year later, after it was safe to socialize, I had a memorial dinner to commemorate him. Not one of my seven local siblings attended. They said, "That was for his family." I didn't argue or try to convince them that I needed them. It was terribly embarrassing when my friends and my husband's friends kept asking to meet my siblings. It's been two years since the service and three years since his death, and I can't get over feeling abandoned. Although I am cordial, I don't rely on any of them. No one seems to notice my withdrawal -- at least they don't discuss the change in my behavior with me. I suppose I need to "get over it," but I can't. -- SO DISAPPOINTED IN VIRGINIA DEAR SO DISAPPOINTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. It must have been a terrible shock. Your siblings were either grossly insensitive or they may have disliked your husband. That they would avoid his memorial rather than attend and be supportive has to have been painful, and your reaction is understandable. Healthy people don't "get over" being abandoned in their time of need. I'm not suggesting that it's OK to carry a grudge that would further isolate you, but stepping back seems to have been a wise and self-protective decision. ----- DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Gary" for six years, but he has never proposed. I'm very independent. My husband died when my kids were small, and I had to raise them and keep a roof over our heads, which made me even more independent. In fact, there are times I don't think I even want to remarry. Gary and I love each other. We get along well and do a lot of things together. I know we are lucky to have each other in our lives, but there are times I want to break off our relationship because he hasn't asked me for a commitment, and I still want to find somebody who wants to commit himself to me. Although Gary says he is committed, I know being engaged isn't a magical solution either. I have been engaged before. I have tried breaking it off with Gary, but he never takes me seriously. I have felt this way for most of our relationship. I am a counselor, so I know about typical recommendations such as attending therapy. Should I stay, or should I go? Trying to go has not worked out in the past. I need some advice.?-- TO MARRY OR NOT IN ILLINOIS DEAR TO MARRY OR NOT:?It's time for a candid discussion with Gary about your feelings. Tell him that after six years, you need a commitment from him, and what exactly that entails. If you do, it may help you to clarify in your own mind what you need and what you think is missing. I don't think you need therapy to figure this out -- you simply need to be honest with yourself. |
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|
Daily Clean Jokes for September 15, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for September 15, 2024? ? ?
Today's Clean Limerick
Kirk¡¯s traveling all ¡®round the nation And eating those vile truck stop rations ??????????? He left me some work ??????????? In my inbox they¡¯ll lurk How dare he go out on vacation?!? ? Received from Conrad Macina
___________________________________________________________________________
Thought for the Day
There is no sense in being pessimistic, it wouldn't work out anyway.
___________________________________________________________________________
?
?
Here's Today's CleanPun:??
A barge was floating along at sea.??Ahead of it was a cruise ship.??The cruise ship asked the barge, "Hey, are you the Love Boat?"??To which the barge replied, "No, I'm a freight yacht." ? Three pecans went into a bar that only served to peanuts.??As the first pecan approached the bar, the bartender said, "What are you, a pecan???We don't serve pecans here; only peanuts."??So the pecan left.??The second pecan tried the same thing and also was turned away.??The third pecan got an idea.??He went outside and threw himself on a barbecue and rolled around in the coals.??He returned to the bar and approached the bartender who asked, "Hey, aren't you one of those pecans?"??To which he replied, "No, I'm a fried nut." ? A jungle explorer was sitting in the woods when a bizarre insect landed on his arm.??The tiny insect sported a goatee and a little bitty pipe which blew itty bitty smoke rings.??It began to tell the neighboring insects the analysis of dreams.??"Heavens!" exclaimed the explorer, "are you a new species?"??To which the creature replied, "No, I'm a Freud gnat." ? Is old rope good enough for a hanging???Frayed knot.??That stuff is bad noose. ? The twisted old piece of string couldn't really be surprised at his fate, really, after all the puns he had perpetrated: "No, I'm a frayed knot," "I'm a little tied-up at the moment," "Get knotted," "That wasn't a belly-flop, it was knot's landing," and now, having been lynched by the other residents of the sewing kit for his verbal miscreations, he couldn't help but chuckle as he thought aloud, "I'm not a bad person, just a little high-strung."
-----
In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed
quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community
came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long
Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's
sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and tape
the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw
what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbas goys to tape the
sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks'
time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got
wise to this. The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a
tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the
congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said
this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.
?
?
?
Quote of the Day:??
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -- Geraldo Rivera
?
?
?
Today's One-Liner:?? "Why do people who know the least know
it the loudest?"
___________________________________________________________________________
PROFESSIONALISM TEST
?
Read this out loud:
?
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is goober cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
?
Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.
>>>Today's Thot
For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
Received from Mikey's Funnies. ____________________________________________________________________________________
God Announces He Will Now Be Voiced By James Earl Jones ¡¤Sep 9, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
HEAVEN ¡ª Though many have claimed to have heard the voice of God throughout human history, the Lord will now have a voice that is highly identifiable by all people, as a representative from Heaven confirmed that the deceased James Earl Jones has been contracted to play God's Voice for all eternity. "It's a natural fit," said a spokesangel shortly after news of Jones's passing made the rounds. "The Lord blessed James Earl Jones with his awesome, booming voice with an eye toward using it for His glory well into eternity. Though Mr. Jones used his voice talent to garner fame and fortune during his time spent on earth, he will now use it in service to God Almighty." Well-known for his roles in films such as?Field of Dreams,?The Lion King, and all three movies in the Star Wars franchise, James Earl Jones will now lend his authoritative and pleasant voice to God for whenever He really wants to get the attention of human beings. "Truth be told, there are times when his voice would have come in handy in previous years," the spokesangel continued. "Can you imagine how terrified Moses would have been if he had heard the voice of Darth Vader coming from the burning bush? Forget taking off his sandals, Moses probably would have needed a new pair of shorts." At publishing time, an insider from Heaven revealed Jones was relieved to no longer have to be the voice that says "This is CNN." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"To do is to be..." -- Descartes.
"To be is to do..." -- Sartre.
"Do be do be do..." ¨C Sinatra!
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet... if it tastes good, spit it out.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
Thought Of The Day: They Love Their Hair ¡°They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.¡±
- John Green, Looking for Alaska
Submitted by?
I never actually lose weight anymore.
Apparently, I just loan it out and it comes back with interest.
And lately, I have been getting great rates of return!
A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, ¡°How on earth did you do that?¡±
He shrugged his shoulders and said, ¡°You have to know the bus schedule.¡±
Thought Of The Day: Lack of Direction ¡°Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four-hour days.¡±
¨C Zig Ziglar |
?
?
?
TIME TO PRAY
?
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every
night.
?
¡°Yes sir,¡± the boy replied.
?
¡°And, do you always say them in the morning, too?¡± the
pastor asked.
?
¡°No sir,¡± the boy replied. ¡°I ain¡¯t scared in the
daytime.¡±
?
Received
from Joke-of-the-Day
?
?
?
Tax Sayings
For every tax problem there is a
solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
How do you know if you have a good tax accountant? They have a loophole named
after them.
What's the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't meet every year
to make death more complicated.
Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10,
they get $40.
Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the
exact same way.
Where there's a will, there's a tax shelter.
Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.
Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.
They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who
can't.
Received from Colin Smith via GCFL.
?
?
Punnies
?
Nurses often have to check their patient's impulse
without missing a beat.
The price of hearing aids has gone up. Mutes across the
country are asking "How much?"
?
Speech and ghost writers, who struggle to make a living,
object to the free speech provision in the American Constitution. (Alex)
?
There's a self-help group for compulsive talkers called
On and On and On Anon.
This morning I woke up late, and, now, I'm scrambling to
make breakfast (Bruce Hidgon)
?
When the marathon runner missed the right turn, he ended
up left alone. (Jumble: Arnold
& Argirlon)?
?
With so much now on-line, is it realistic for one to have
their soul existence in the Internet. (Jeremy Alperin)
?
You should never take rocks for granite.
?
?
?
The first flight attendants were men whose main job
function was to handle baggage. When United Airlines decided to put women on
their planes in 1930, all of the stewardesses they hired were nurses, based on
the theory that nurses would be most capable of handling passengers' needs on
bumpy flights.
?
??????? From Terri
?
-----
?
?
(From the Archives)
?
I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's
least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat
everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.
?
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he
wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
?
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying
to delay the inedible."
?
?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Pretty cools plays.??
You can bypass the 1.5 minute commercial in the middle of the video; just click and drag the bar at the bottom of the screen.
?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my mother developed a small nagging cough, and her overall health started to decline. She entered the hospital on a Monday and by the end of the week, she had passed away from a very aggressive form of lung cancer. We were very close, and I was devastated. I prepared the obituary and also posted an announcement on Facebook. For days, I heard from friends and family offering condolences. But I never heard a word from my husband's niece and nephew. My husband's sister and her husband (their parents) came to the funeral, even though the family lives in a state distant from ours. I thought we were close to this niece and nephew. They each have children of their own, so they are neither young nor immature. I have been filled with resentment since then. I love them, which is why it hurts so much. I thought we were closer than that. How can I get past this? I miss my dear mother and the advice and love she provided. After the funeral, I talked to my husband about how brokenhearted I feel. He is a practical person and said I should move on. Is he right? -- STILL HURTING IN ALABAMA DEAR STILL HURTING: Please allow me to offer my sympathy for the loss of your mother, who obviously lives on in your heart. I don't know whether she would have said this to you, but I don't think she would have wanted you to harbor resentment. Sometimes, people keep silent because they don't know how to express their feelings or are afraid they might say the wrong thing. I don't know why your younger relatives didn't reach out to offer condolences upon your mother's passing, but this may have been the reason. Practicing forgiveness would be healthier than nursing the resentment you are feeling now.
DEAR ABBY: How can I plan and enjoy holidays at my home with my three adult children? One daughter and her husband always find ways to hold imaginary grudges against our other two daughters. This daughter claims to be always left out, yet she never reaches out to her sisters or even to me and her dad. She and her husband fabricate things that aren't true and stop communicating with everyone. We are always left in the dark. This has been going on during her entire married life. My husband and I have health issues and no longer want to deal with her childish drama. We would like to have all of us together for holiday get-togethers but can't because of their hard feelings over imaginary slights. -- DISCOURAGED IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR DISCOURAGED: If this has been going on ever since your daughter married her husband, he may be the one stirring the pot. It's a shame because what he's really doing is isolating her. I am sorry you didn't mention how you handle these temporary estrangements. My advice is to be your warm, friendly self. Continue inviting your daughter to these family get-togethers. If she shows up, great. If she doesn't, celebrate without her, which might be easier considering the tension she brings with her.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
Daily Clean Jokes for September 14, 2024
?Daily Clean Jokes for September 14, 2024? ? ? ? ? ??
?
?
Here's Today's CleanPun:? When I was growing up, our back fence
neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Donald Vale. I spent my childhood sheltered
behind D. Vale. A son they had named Noah intensely disliked his name and could
hardly wait until he would be old enough and free to legally change it. To that
end, he finally appeared before a judge, and with mixed feelings found that the
proceedings would be alter Noah Vale. (Glenn Gardner)
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Quote of the Day:??
The saying ¡°It¡¯s not over ¡¯til the fat lady sings¡± is erroneous, because
women who are fat are never listened to. -- Margaret Cho
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Today's One-Liner:?? Mother said there would be days like this,
but she never said that there¡¯d be so many! -- Unknown
?
___________________________________________________
?
Love and Learning
?
Overheard at my garden-club meeting: ¡°I never knew what
compost was until I met my husband.¡±
?
Provided by Reader's Digest
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
In Training
?
I identify with football players because I know what it¡¯s
like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
?
Received from Reader's Digest
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
One Wish
?
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean,
¡°In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you
with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.¡±
?
¡°Give me infinite wisdom!¡± declares the dean, without
hesitation.
?
Done!¡± says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of
smoke.
?
All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a
faint halo of light. ¡°Well,¡± says a colleague, ¡°say something brilliant.¡±
?
The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines,
¡°I should have taken the money.¡±
?
Reader's Digest Harsh Joke
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Our company's facsimile machine, an early model, is
extremely slow. The employees grumbled quite a bit about it, until finally a
clever worker made them smile. One morning, taped to the top of the antiquated
machine, was a picture of a dinosaur with this caption: "Tyrannosaurus
Fax."
?
Submitted to Reader's Digest by Karen Oursel
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Clean Laffs
?
"A man in Ireland was arrested with more than 500
pounds of marijuana. So I guess there is a little pot at the end of the
rainbow." -- Jimmy Fallon
?
"Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing
and he catches a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old fish. You know, I look at it
this way if I want a 90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood platter at
Red Lobster." -- Dave Letterman
?
"The Navy tested a high power laser beam to help
fight pirates. There's nothing the pirates can do to defend themselves against
this laser-unless they buy a mirror." -- Jimmy Kimmel
?
-----
?
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selection
process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the
entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another
computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are
placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
?
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked
potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and
impartial juror.
?
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12
is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be
able to agree on anything."
?
Both were excused.
?
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
--------------*
?
Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't
eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be
for kids."
?
Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he
was a rabbit and not a person."
?
[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her
food.]
?
Man: "What's wrong?"
?
Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always
being wrong."
?
Received from Joe's Clean Laffs
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Kids on Marriage:?
How Do you Decide Who to Marry?
?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.? Alan -
age 10.
?
What Is The Right Age To Get Married.?
?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
forever by then.? Camille - Age 10.
?
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and
that usually gets them interested enough to go with a second date.? Martin - Age 10.
?
When Is It Okay to Kiss Somebody?
?
When they are rich.?
Pam - Age 7.
?
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't mess
with that.? Curt - Age 7.
?
Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean upo for them.? Anne
- Age 9
?
How would you make a marriage work?
?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks
like a truck, hit her.? Ricky - age 10.
?
?From Maxine via Syman Says;symansays@...
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Tech Support Nightmares ¨C Ejecting the Disc
?
Before CDs & DVDs, there were diskettes, or floppy
disks, which were pushed directly into a slot on the front of the computer and
had a little button which would eject the disk manually.
?
Customer: Hi, I can¡¯t get the diskette out of my
computer.
?
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the eject button?
?
Customer: Yes, of course, but it¡¯s really stuck.
?
Tech support: That doesn¡¯t sound good, I¡¯ll start a
ticket and have someone come by.
?
Customer: No¡ wait a minute¡ I hadn¡¯t inserted it yet¡
it¡¯s still on my desk¡ sorry¡.
?
Received from mycleanhumor
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
The medical student was shocked when he received a
failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the
reasons for the grade. "You know the self-X-ray you took?" asked the
professor.
?
"I do."
?
"A fine picture," he said, "of your lungs,
stomach, and liver."
?
"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an
F?"
?
"I had no choice," said the professor.
"You didn't put your heart into it."
?
??????? From
Gonzo
?
Received from Teddi's Humor List;redactatrix@...
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Top Ten Reasons a Dog Is Better Than a Wife:
?
10. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to
see you.
?
9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's
name.
?
8. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the
floor.
?
7. A dog's parents never visit.
?
6. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get
your point across.
?
5. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
?
4. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
?
3. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I
died, would you get another dog?"
?
2. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick
drink.
?
... and the Number One Reason a Dog Is Better Than a
Wife:
?
1. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
?
-----
?
To test this theory, lock your wife and your dog in your
trunk for an hour. Then open it. Which one is happy to see you?
?
Received from Wayne via Daily-Humor
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Daily Thoughts
?
The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the
beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety. -- George Mueller
?
Today, the tyrant rules not by club or fist, but
disguised as a market researcher, he shepherds his flocks in the ways of
utility and comfort. -- Marshall McLuhan
?
When you blame others, you give up your power to change. -- Dr. Robert Anthony
?
-----
?
Incredible Date
?
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since
he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
?
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out
of its socket toward the man.
?
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and
hands it back.
?
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she
pops her eye back in place.
?
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,"
she says.
?
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards,
they go to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares
her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
?
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would
like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
?
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
?
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible.
?
"You know," he said. "You are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet"?
?
"No," she replies.
?
"You just happened to catch my eye!"
?
-----
?
You've Got Mail
?
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all
over town. That meant, as a customer service representative for the electric
company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.
?
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact
address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."
?
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to
you in a truck, not an envelope."
?
Received from Steve's Just for Grins
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Punnies
?
Cold weather mechanics have to jacket up.
Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's
all lice.
Gun control is the subject of a loud report.
I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I
didn't win but I came varicose.
I had an idea for a new diet. I would lose weight by
visiting a different Italian restaurant each meal. I call it my leaning tour of
pizza. (Bill Crider)
If a parsley farm worker fails to pay his taxes, the IRS
will garnish his wages.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still
on the list.
Middle age: A time when action creaks louder than words.
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
If Only You Had Looked
?
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a
conversation.
?
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
?
"I froze to death," says the second.
?
"That's awful," says the first man. "How
does it feel to freeze to death?"
?
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the
second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
?
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at
home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I
rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the
second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the
attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
?
The second man shakes his head. "That's so
ironic," he says.
?
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
?
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,
we'd both be still alive."
?
-----
?
Other Police Quotes
?
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
?
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
?
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
?
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but
I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
?
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
?
-----
?
Fallen
?
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
?
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one
more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
?
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code
word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
?
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went
well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
?
About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the
mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
?
The priest said, "You have to do something about the
sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking
about having fallen."
?
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had
told the new priest about the code word.
?
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
about, your wife fell three times this week."
?
-----
?
All Numbers Are Equal
?
Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a
and b, and let t = a + b. Then
?
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = of - tb
a^2 - of = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
?
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
?
Received from ArcaMax Jokes
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
(From the Archives)
?
Permit
?
A zoning board had just been set up in a new
community.? A homeowner went to the
office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.? "Do you have a plan?" asked the
director.? "Oh, yes," said the
owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and
a sketch of the shed.
?
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled
out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said,
"Here's your permit."
?
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation
also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as
far as a secretary, and made her request.
?
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary,
taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary."
?
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my
neighbor got her permit right away."
?
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that
was before we finally got organized."
?
From Pastor Tim via Doc's Daily Chuckle
?
___________________________________________________
?
?
Elderly Joke
?
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had
three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
?
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this
would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
?
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur
included thinking he would surely win her approval.
?
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he
bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to
memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the
parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would
find that!
?
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said,
"Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I
only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care
of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
?
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car
is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive
and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
?
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I
just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but
delicious."
?
Received from aJokeADay.com
?
?
?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
?
|
Daily Clean Jokes for September 13, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for?
September 13, 2024????? ??
?
?
Here Are Today's CleanPuns:?
?
?
In their split-level Alaskan home,
Where Russia's seen from the city of Nome;
???? Their kids always knew,
???? As you do now, too,
"Mom" and "Dad" were the best
Palindrome!
???????????????????
(Chris Gross)
?
?
?
I was watching a movie while blending
A martini. The film was contending
???? How the drink came to be.
???? I'm surprised, didn't see
What would happen. There was a twist ending.
????????????????????????
(Kirk Miller)
?
-----
?
If
it's icy and bitterly cold
Or
it's blazingly hot, I am told
Spending
most of the day
At
a place where I'll play.
It's
a golf course, a site to be holed.
?????????????? (Kirk Miller)
?
-----
?
Archive from May:
?
Mad Kane's Political Madness
?
GOPers are
flocking to court
To kiss Donald¡¯s rump and help thwart
? ? ? ? New York¡¯s efforts
to try
? ? ? ? Donald Trump.
(He¡¯s their guy!)
And to truth, law, and justice distort.
?
_________________________________________________________________?
?
?
Quote of the Day:"A
bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it
back when it begins to rain."?--
Robert Frost??
?
_________________________________________________________________??
Today's One-Liners:???
?
Arguing with me is pointless - I
realized I was wrong 10 minutes ago and now I'm just trying to make you mad.
?
-----
?
The word "gullible" isn't
in the dictionary.
?
-----
?
The biggest knight at King Arthur's
round table was Sir Cumference.
?
_________________________________________________________________?
?
?
Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's
firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via
GCFL.
?
-----
?
?
Music Director
During rehearsal, the high school
Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly
coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained
that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as
written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the
young musician from the band, he replied,
"It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."
Received from The Daily Groaner via GCFL.
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
?
Duck Food
?
Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper: No
?
Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper : No, we have no duck
food
?
Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper : NO!!? We do not
have any duck food!!
?
Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper : NO!!? WE DO NOT
HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD!!? And if you ask me that one more time I'm gonna nail
your little webbed feet to the floor!
?
Duck : <thinks>?Do you
have any nails?
Storekeeper: <sigh> No....
?
Duck : Do you have any duck food?
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
Real Skill
|
There was a rich man who was deliberately hard
on his farmhand.
?
He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a
bottle of wine."
?
The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you
wine with no money at all?"
?
The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine
with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."
?
After a while the farmhand returned with the
empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy
the wine, please."
?
Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man
asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"
The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine
if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is
none."
?
|
?Featured Illustrations are
items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon,
speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the
point of them is the point you make with them.
|
|
|
|
?
?
A
Golf Funny
?
"How
was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
?
"Well,
I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where
the ball went."
?
"But
you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't
you take my brother Scott along?"
?
"But
he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
?
"But
he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
?
The
next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
?
"Do
you see it?" asked Jack.
?
"Yup,"
Scott answered.
?
"Well,
where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
?
"I
forgot."
?
>>>Today's
Thot
?
Q:
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be
wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one
you will see later and the other in a while.
?
Received From Mikey¡¯s
Funnies.
?
?
After
enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I
could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, ...
?
-----
?
"I
filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own any liquid-filled
furniture?' Couldn't they just have said 'waterbed'? How many other forms of
liquid-filled furniture are there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a
problem?'" -- Lisa Goich
-----
"Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just
chase you around all day long going, 'Can I ...
?
-----
?
I was in the
express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked
into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to
buy?"
?
-----
?
Becky
prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however,
she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all
day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another
batch.
She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised
Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the ...
-----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
¡¤
¡¤
¡¤
¡¤
¡¤
?
Received from
ArcaMax Jokes.
?
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
There
are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by
the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know
little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
?
Two
elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I
think I just wet my pants."
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
?
Paul
walked into Skeeter's Pub about 7PM, just a few minutes past the time he showed
up three or four times a week. "What'll it be tonight, Paul?"
"Bottle of Sam Adams, please, Skeeter." "I had Adams on tap last
night and you ordered a bottle of Guinness. Last week I had Guinness on tap and
you ordered a bottle of Foster's. Last month I had Foster's on tap -- you
wanted Beck's. Too bad at your young age you'll never be able to run for public
office." Paul shrugged. "How so?" "Because you've spent the
last year and a half avoiding the draft."
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
?
Every
Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played
Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus
member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor
stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out.
"You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on
the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight."? (Bill Dyson)
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
?
In olden times, women were not
allowed to act on the stage in many parts of the world. In operas, all female
parts were sung by castrati (males castrated before puberty for this purpose).
We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known
descendants.
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
?
A young boy and his doting
grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of
nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees,
raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved
grandson. And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the
sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she
stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped
indignantly, "he had a hat!"
?
?
There was a chess player, high-rated,
Who hardly ever had mated.
Oh, he won every game,
The board made his fame;
But his gambits in the lounge were ill-fated!
?
?
Since we imported four billion
pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese
Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be -
that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made,
fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One
bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!" (Bill Maher)
?
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's
firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
_________________________________________________________________
?
?
|
|
?
To really succeed in a business or
organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether
it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.
?
"Hi," you should say. "I'm a new
employee. What is the name of my job?"
?
If they answer "long-range planner"
or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge
around and do crossword puzzles until retirement.
?
Most jobs, however, will require some work.
?
There are two major kinds of work in modern
organizations:
1.?Taking
phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2.?Going
to meetings.
?
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a
job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible,
because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to
be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position
of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with
a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
?
The first meeting ever was held back in the
Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it
home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man
was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run
like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
?
At last someone said, "Maybe if we just
sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to
hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer
sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the
next.
?
But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the
men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.
The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the
top of their "agenda." At this point, the women, who were
primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern
agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.
?
The modern business meeting, however, might
better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering
of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be
somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite
purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.
?
An idea may look dead, but it will always
reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie
"Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern
meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were
killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings
and eat the brains of the living.
?
There are two major kinds of meetings:
1.?Meetings
that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed -
namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on
Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because
this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I
wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of
meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school,
with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery
school, the kids actually have something to say.
?
When it's your turn, you should say that you're
still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on.
?
This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously
you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if
you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting
would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is
supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in
five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in
America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.
?
2.?Meetings
where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you
do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like
someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat
report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and make up
elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it
away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write
the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a
question mark, like this "Norm?"
?
Then you send it to Norm and forget all about
it. (Although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career.)
?
But sometimes you go to meetings where the
purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious
because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it
is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you
have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you
anything.
?
One way is to set fire to your tie.
?
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the
meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very
important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be
one or the other, however, not both. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice
said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the
Pope."
?
You should know how to take notes at a meeting.
Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when
he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though
he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then draw interlocking
rectangles. If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can draw more
elaborate doodles and maybe even a caricature of the boss.
?
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have
everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers,
right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he
wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very,
very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope,
for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into."
Then they should file quietly out of the room.
?
|
The PearlyGates list features
material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate
emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and
family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically,
and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell
these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain
public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other
than the jokes he tells.
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_________________________________________________________________
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