Daily Clean Jokes for September 27, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson?(1803 - 1882) American essayist
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One-Liner:??Someone just accused me of plagiarism; their words, not mine.
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Quote?
People don't always say, 'I love you.' Sometimes it sounds like: - Be safe.
- Did you eat?
- Call me when you get home.
- I made you this.
- Unknown
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A Body Funny
Doctor: You need to listen to your body more often.
My body: You're old and you want cheese.
>>>Today's Thot
One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.
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A Vacation Funny
My wife and I were planning a vacation down to sunny South Florida from Atlanta. We were going to visit her parents and they really wanted to see their grandchildren, Chris (4 yrs old) and Becky (2 yrs old).
We had been telling the kids, that we soon would be "going to Miami to see grandma and grandad." We explained that it would take two days to drive there and that we would stop at different neat places along the way. They were really excited.
A couple of days before we were to leave, Chris came up to me and asked me, "How many more days before we go to Your Ami?" I just died laughing.
>>>Today's Thot
My company is better at making sun-screen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!
Received from Mikey's Funnies
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Some additions from Guy Gogh
And some additions from Guy His racing cousin ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡.¡.. C. D. Car Gogh His?uncle the chef ¡¡¡¡¡..¡........... Escar Gogh His aunt the painter ¡¡¡..¡¡¡... Cezanne Gogh His?nephew?who?repossesses .... Seize-and Gogh His father the zeppelin pilot ¡. Hindenburg Gogh His live-in adult son?.......................... Won't Gogh His other live-in adult?son .................. Willy Gogh They seem to be getting worse, it's time to Gogh
Received from Phyllis Ingram.
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Free to Go
Jon and Amanpreet were in an institution.? This place had an annual contest where they picked two of the best patients and asked them two questions.? If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.? The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct.? What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet.? He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in.? The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said, answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.? "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered. "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes." ----- ContributionsThe newspaper where I worked had just announced that when its new building was completed, the old one would be donated to the United Way. A few days later, someone came into our office soliciting contributions to that same organization. "I'm sorry," one reporter quipped. "We already gave the office." ----- ProcrastinationMy sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. "I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same book. I had bought it a couple of years ago."
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Multiple Choice The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." -----
- Paradox, New York
- Crapo, Maryland
- Boogertown, North Carolina
- Spasticville, Kansas
- Hellhole, Idaho
- Purgatory, Maine
- Girdletree, Maryland
- Rabbithash, Kentucky
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Transportation in Heaven And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge." The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."? A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard." ----- Child's Perspective on Retirement A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.? "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren." ------ Martin talks about the earthquake we had in LA this morning, what he was up to do during the Northridge earthquake in 1994, filming Bad Boys Ride or Die, Detroit dedicating a day to him, meeting fans, crazy rumors about him, his new comedy tour Ya¡¯ll Know What It Is, his daughters seeing his shows, hecklers, and his relationship with the late great James Earl Jones.
More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes
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"Germany has just rolled out a new law banning hate speech. The law is tricky to implement because everything sounds like hate speech when it's spoken in German." -Conan O'Brien
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"Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it's great for people who like watching sports completely still. 'Wow! What a catch - nobody move! Oh, now we're watching Lifetime.'" -Jimmy Fallon
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"A new study has determined that people in relationships can detect infidelity in their partner's voice. Especially when their voice says, 'You're home early!'" -Seth Meyers
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last week we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'That's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Received from Gopher Central
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DEAR ABBY: I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my oldest brother (six years my senior) from ages 6 to 11. As soon as I could verbalize what was happening, I went to my parents and told them. They believed me, but swept it under the rug and didn't provide any kind of therapy or treatment for either of us. At 15, I had a mental breakdown. After that, I said, "It's not like I will ever forget what he did to me." My mother finally decided to get me a therapist. Through years of therapy (I'm 25 now) I found healing, grace and forgiveness, but I feel that is for me to know and no one else's business. Even though my parents know exactly what my brother did, they continue trying to mend our relationship, although I have expressed that I never want to have a relationship with him again. My brother is now engaged to a woman he's been with for four years. She has met everyone in my family except me. She has never reached out to me, which I find odd. I know my brother hasn't given her the whole truth about what he did to me as a child because he still tries to downplay it. If I were being married to someone and had met every member of their family except their only sister, I'd be suspicious and would want to know why. Should I send his fiancee an anonymous letter giving her all the details??-- VICTIMIZED IN THE SOUTH DEAR VICTIMIZED:?If you send your brother's fiancee an anonymous letter, she could construe it as "someone," possibly an old girlfriend, trying to break them up. Between you and me, I do think someone should warn her about her fiance's history. If you are willing to risk doing it, your family is sure to be very upset. However, if you are determined to send that letter, you should have the courage to sign your name.
DEAR ABBY: My mom is getting remarried at the age of 84 to a man who is 83 and has never been married. They got engaged after dating for six months. I think it's unwise, but I want her to be happy, so I will go to the wedding. She asked her best friend to be her maid of honor, and then asked my brother to be best man because her fiance didn't have anybody who would do it. I expressed my frustration that she asked him to be best man and not me to be her maid of honor. Now she wants me to be the maid of honor, but I really don't want to do it because I'm not in favor of the marriage. Looking back, I should've kept my mouth shut about my frustration. Should I do it out of love and respect for Mom, or hold my ground because I really think it's a bad idea? I don't want to be her maid of honor for so many reasons.?-- INDECISIVE IN INDIANA DEAR INDECISIVE:?You were outspoken regarding your reservations about the wedding, which is likely why your mother asked her best friend to do it. She has now invited you to be her maid of honor because you told her you felt left out. Whether you support your mother's decision to marry this man or not, the wedding is going to happen. Unless you intend to find yourself increasingly distanced in the months and years to come, accompany your mom to the altar, wish her well and cross your fingers. |
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