Conrad's Limerick? ??
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Nan¡¯s the hungriest person I¡¯ve met.
She consumes all the food she can get.
When she picked up her fork
In upstate New York
Then I said to her, ""
Received from Conrad Macina
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Kirk's Limerick
When Columbus and others unfurled
Countries' flags in the wind, they all swirled
????????????On the ships in each bay.
????????????Land was mapped.??Folks did say
Western hemisphere was the?knew?world.
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Chris got it.??Several people had good answers, but not what I was looking for.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
Junior wanted the lamp on at bedtime because he was a light sleeper.
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Years ago, changing TV channels from a sitting position was a remote possibility.
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Some children think that their parents are all no-ing.
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There was a circus fire eater who married his old flame after a long and extinguished career.??He planned to teach his son the family business, but his ulcer flared up and he was unable to pass the torch.
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A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets.??Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig.??The little hog laughed to see such a plight, and the sow jumped over the coon.
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Car Needs RepairJill's car was unreliable and she kept telling her husband John about it, but when he would drive it, it would always seem fine. So he dismissed it thinking that she was exaggerating. Then he got a call.
John: "Hi honey."
Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"
John: "What!? Where are you?"
Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."
John: "And where's the car?"
Jill: "It's in here with me..."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth?
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Coast Guard Field TripOne day my son's fourth-grade class went on a field trip to the Woods Hole, Mass., Coast Guard station. As a young ensign guided the spirited nine and ten-year-olds on the tour, a fellow guardsman came up, slapped the ensign on the back, and said, "I see they finally gave you your own command."
Received from Ed.?Received from Ed.
via GCFL.
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A Trial Funny
"I previously sent a donation, but I failed to send my profound thanks for being a recipient of this daily pick-me-upper. It helps me to get started on a new day. And at age 85, I need that additional morning spurt along with a cup of java.
"So, a bazillion thanks for what your contributions are doing in the people in our congregation and our community - simply because you have obeyed the call to start and maintain this humorous resource. May God grant you many more years of touching countless people with Mikey's Funnies." Wes
>>>Today's Funny
The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict.
After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner.
Judge: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?"
Foreman: "Insanity, sir."
Judge: "What, all twelve of you?"
>>>Today's Thot
I can't remember the name of my homing pigeon but I'm sure it'll come back to me.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Submitted by?
The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!
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Submitted by?
A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Thought Of The Day:??You Must Stay Drunk
¡°You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.¡±
¨D Ray Bradbury
Received from aJokeADay.com
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A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"
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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven... -----
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the ...
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A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is ... ----- |
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Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. ... -----
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
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O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh ... -----
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with ... -----
Harrison dismisses the notion that Yoko Ono was the cause of the Beatles' breakup, stating that the group had issues long before she came along.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com |
Majority Of Wives Admit They Only Clean The House So They Can Smugly Apologize For How Messy It Is When Their Friends Come Over
¡¤Aug 30, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
U.S. ¡ª A new scientific study published in the September issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine suggests that a majority of wives only clean their house so they can smugly apologize for how messy it is whenever their friends come over.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. My place is just such a mess," Tiffany Sanders, the subject of a case study, said as she invited friends into her immaculate home. "I just don't have any time!"
Single women and all men are reportedly immune to this behavior.
According to the study, the phenomenon may be the result of most women's innate desire to be better than everyone else and to destroy their enemies without losing their ability to apologize for everything all the time. The only wives who did not participate in the behavior were either blind, paraplegic, or both.
"Women are literally torturing themselves," said Dr. Imogen Goldwraith, one of the leading wife scientists in the country. "They only clean so they can rub it in the face of other women. But they never receive fulfillment because another wife ends up doing the same thing to them. They get locked in a vicious cycle, attempting to one-up each other ad infinitum."
"Oh, and please excuse the mess," she added, motioning to her pristine lab she had just spent 12 hours cleaning. "I just can't do a thing with it."
At publishing time, a companion study had been released by husband scientists revealing that a majority of husbands don't even notice when the house is dirty.
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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend's mom has dementia. He asked me and my kids to move in with him and said he would marry me. In exchange, he expected me to quit my job and take care of his mom. I felt it was a disaster waiting to happen, and taking care of someone with dementia while raising two teenagers was a terrible idea, so I refused. He put his mother in a nursing home, and now I am no longer treated the same by him. The woman is abusive. She hits and bites and isn't easy to deal with. Living with her would have destroyed our relationship and been stressful for my children. My boyfriend isn't the easiest guy to open up to. I'm sad and don't know what to do. -- TOO MUCH TO HANDLE DEAR TOO MUCH: When your boyfriend proposed marriage, it wasn't because he loved you. He was looking for an easy solution (for him) to his mother problem. To expect you to quit your job and sacrifice your retirement benefits was nervy. You are not trained to care for a violent dementia patient. He treats you differently because he's angry you didn't go along with his plans for you. What you should do now is move on, because his resentment is unlikely to diminish.
DEAR ABBY: For the entirety of our relationship, my wife has never listened to me. It's literally the only thing I've ever asked her to do. She constantly tells me I have nothing worthwhile to say, without ever actually letting me finish a sentence. My mother is coming into some money and offered me a sizable sum, provided I don't tell my wife. I'm seriously considering "taking the money and running." I can no longer deal with the constant emotional abuse. My wife treats her children the same way, and it's disgusting to me. What should I do? -- TEMPTED IN CANADA DEAR TEMPTED: If things are as bad as you have described, talk to an attorney and legally declare your independence. After that's done, take your mother up on her generous offer.
DEAR ABBY: When I married in 1974, my mother had one of my wedding photos of me in my wedding dress and holding my bouquet. It was lovely, and she had it made up into a large 36-inch-by-26-inch portrait with a beautiful frame. It hung in my old bedroom until she passed away. I have had it in a closet in my house ever since. I've asked my daughter and son if they would like to have it, and they don't. I'm wondering if I should throw it away or leave it up to them when I'm gone. Because we have always had a loving relationship, I don't want either of them to feel bad about disposing of it. -- PICTURING THE FUTURE DEAR PICTURING: You must be sentimental about that portrait, or you wouldn't have kept it all these years. Because of that, I don't think you should toss it. After you are gone, your daughter or son may change their mind about having it. Let them decide when the time comes. |
