Daily Clean Jokes for September 15, 2024? ? ?
Today's Clean Limerick
Kirk¡¯s traveling all ¡®round the nation
And eating those vile truck stop rations
??????????? He left me some work
??????????? In my inbox they¡¯ll lurk
How dare he go out on vacation?!?
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Received from Conrad Macina
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Thought for the Day
There is no sense in being pessimistic, it wouldn't work out anyway.
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Here's Today's CleanPun:??
A barge was floating along at sea.??Ahead of it was a cruise ship.??The cruise ship asked the barge, "Hey, are you the Love Boat?"??To which the barge replied, "No, I'm a freight yacht."
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Three pecans went into a bar that only served to peanuts.??As the first pecan approached the bar, the bartender said, "What are you, a pecan???We don't serve pecans here; only peanuts."??So the pecan left.??The second pecan tried the same thing and also was turned away.??The third pecan got an idea.??He went outside and threw himself on a barbecue and rolled around in the coals.??He returned to the bar and approached the bartender who asked, "Hey, aren't you one of those pecans?"??To which he replied, "No, I'm a fried nut."
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A jungle explorer was sitting in the woods when a bizarre insect landed on his arm.??The tiny insect sported a goatee and a little bitty pipe which blew itty bitty smoke rings.??It began to tell the neighboring insects the analysis of dreams.??"Heavens!" exclaimed the explorer, "are you a new species?"??To which the creature replied, "No, I'm a Freud gnat."
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Is old rope good enough for a hanging???Frayed knot.??That stuff is bad noose.
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The twisted old piece of string couldn't really be surprised at his fate, really, after all the puns he had perpetrated: "No, I'm a frayed knot," "I'm a little tied-up at the moment," "Get knotted," "That wasn't a belly-flop, it was knot's landing," and now, having been lynched by the other residents of the sewing kit for his verbal miscreations, he couldn't help but chuckle as he thought aloud, "I'm not a bad person, just a little high-strung."
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In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed
quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community
came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long
Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's
sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and tape
the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw
what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbas goys to tape the
sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks'
time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got
wise to this. The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a
tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the
congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said
this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.
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Quote of the Day:??
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -- Geraldo Rivera
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Today's One-Liner:?? "Why do people who know the least know
it the loudest?"
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PROFESSIONALISM TEST
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Read this out loud:
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This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is goober cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
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Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.
>>>Today's Thot
For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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God Announces He Will Now Be Voiced By James Earl Jones
¡¤Sep 9, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
HEAVEN ¡ª Though many have claimed to have heard the voice of God throughout human history, the Lord will now have a voice that is highly identifiable by all people, as a representative from Heaven confirmed that the deceased James Earl Jones has been contracted to play God's Voice for all eternity.
"It's a natural fit," said a spokesangel shortly after news of Jones's passing made the rounds. "The Lord blessed James Earl Jones with his awesome, booming voice with an eye toward using it for His glory well into eternity. Though Mr. Jones used his voice talent to garner fame and fortune during his time spent on earth, he will now use it in service to God Almighty."
Well-known for his roles in films such as?Field of Dreams,?The Lion King, and all three movies in the Star Wars franchise, James Earl Jones will now lend his authoritative and pleasant voice to God for whenever He really wants to get the attention of human beings. "Truth be told, there are times when his voice would have come in handy in previous years," the spokesangel continued. "Can you imagine how terrified Moses would have been if he had heard the voice of Darth Vader coming from the burning bush? Forget taking off his sandals, Moses probably would have needed a new pair of shorts."
At publishing time, an insider from Heaven revealed Jones was relieved to no longer have to be the voice that says "This is CNN."
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"To do is to be..." -- Descartes.
"To be is to do..." -- Sartre.
"Do be do be do..." ¨C Sinatra!
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet... if it tastes good, spit it out.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
Thought Of The Day:
They Love Their Hair
¡°They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.¡±
- John Green, Looking for Alaska
Submitted by?
I never actually lose weight anymore.
Apparently, I just loan it out and it comes back with interest.
And lately, I have been getting great rates of return!
A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, ¡°How on earth did you do that?¡±
He shrugged his shoulders and said, ¡°You have to know the bus schedule.¡±
Thought Of The Day: Lack of Direction ¡°Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four-hour days.¡±
¨C Zig Ziglar |
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TIME TO PRAY
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A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every
night.
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¡°Yes sir,¡± the boy replied.
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¡°And, do you always say them in the morning, too?¡± the
pastor asked.
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¡°No sir,¡± the boy replied. ¡°I ain¡¯t scared in the
daytime.¡±
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Received
from Joke-of-the-Day
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Tax Sayings
For every tax problem there is a
solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
How do you know if you have a good tax accountant? They have a loophole named
after them.
What's the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't meet every year
to make death more complicated.
Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10,
they get $40.
Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the
exact same way.
Where there's a will, there's a tax shelter.
Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.
Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.
They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who
can't.
Received from Colin Smith via GCFL.
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Punnies
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Nurses often have to check their patient's impulse
without missing a beat.
The price of hearing aids has gone up. Mutes across the
country are asking "How much?"
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Speech and ghost writers, who struggle to make a living,
object to the free speech provision in the American Constitution. (Alex)
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There's a self-help group for compulsive talkers called
On and On and On Anon.
This morning I woke up late, and, now, I'm scrambling to
make breakfast (Bruce Hidgon)
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When the marathon runner missed the right turn, he ended
up left alone. (Jumble: Arnold
& Argirlon)?
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With so much now on-line, is it realistic for one to have
their soul existence in the Internet. (Jeremy Alperin)
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You should never take rocks for granite.
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The first flight attendants were men whose main job
function was to handle baggage. When United Airlines decided to put women on
their planes in 1930, all of the stewardesses they hired were nurses, based on
the theory that nurses would be most capable of handling passengers' needs on
bumpy flights.
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??????? From Terri
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(From the Archives)
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I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's
least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat
everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.
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I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he
wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
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Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying
to delay the inedible."
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Pretty cools plays.??
You can bypass the 1.5 minute commercial in the middle of the video; just click and drag the bar at the bottom of the screen.
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Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my mother developed a small nagging cough, and her overall health started to decline. She entered the hospital on a Monday and by the end of the week, she had passed away from a very aggressive form of lung cancer. We were very close, and I was devastated.
I prepared the obituary and also posted an announcement on Facebook. For days, I heard from friends and family offering condolences. But I never heard a word from my husband's niece and nephew. My husband's sister and her husband (their parents) came to the funeral, even though the family lives in a state distant from ours.
I thought we were close to this niece and nephew. They each have children of their own, so they are neither young nor immature. I have been filled with resentment since then. I love them, which is why it hurts so much. I thought we were closer than that.
How can I get past this? I miss my dear mother and the advice and love she provided. After the funeral, I talked to my husband about how brokenhearted I feel. He is a practical person and said I should move on. Is he right? -- STILL HURTING IN ALABAMA
DEAR STILL HURTING: Please allow me to offer my sympathy for the loss of your mother, who obviously lives on in your heart. I don't know whether she would have said this to you, but I don't think she would have wanted you to harbor resentment.
Sometimes, people keep silent because they don't know how to express their feelings or are afraid they might say the wrong thing. I don't know why your younger relatives didn't reach out to offer condolences upon your mother's passing, but this may have been the reason. Practicing forgiveness would be healthier than nursing the resentment you are feeling now.
DEAR ABBY: How can I plan and enjoy holidays at my home with my three adult children? One daughter and her husband always find ways to hold imaginary grudges against our other two daughters. This daughter claims to be always left out, yet she never reaches out to her sisters or even to me and her dad. She and her husband fabricate things that aren't true and stop communicating with everyone. We are always left in the dark.
This has been going on during her entire married life. My husband and I have health issues and no longer want to deal with her childish drama. We would like to have all of us together for holiday get-togethers but can't because of their hard feelings over imaginary slights. -- DISCOURAGED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DISCOURAGED: If this has been going on ever since your daughter married her husband, he may be the one stirring the pot. It's a shame because what he's really doing is isolating her. I am sorry you didn't mention how you handle these temporary estrangements. My advice is to be your warm, friendly self. Continue inviting your daughter to these family get-togethers. If she shows up, great. If she doesn't, celebrate without her, which might be easier considering the tension she brings with her.
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