Daily Clean Jokes for September 22, 2024

Daily Clean Jokes for ?September 22, 2024? ??

Todays Puns? ? ? ?

I managed to win some money by gambling with some feathers. Can’t wait to spend my quill gotten gains.

In a cave outside of Beijing, archeologists found a large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a thousand years.??When they excavated the eggs, people could not believe they were that old.??Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining the evidence, saying that one just had to believe the proof.??For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter?

The tarot reader started her own business and hoped that success was in the cards.

In a rush to mine the earth of its minerals, we take quarries for granite.

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No."??After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English.??He thereby became the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog.

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Today's Limerick

Want to sell broken quiz machine fast.

It's a chore with which I have been tasked.

????????????So I placed online ad

????????????That I thought wasn't bad,

Said: five dollars and?no?questions?asked.

Lars and Conrad and Jim got it.

Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Today's One-Liner

?I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but ...? I just left the gas station.

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A Happy Thought

My mmory is improving so much that I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

- Raul el Perro

"There is no simple theological answer to pain; the answer is a relationship with God in the midst of pain."
- Henry Cloud

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Keep Walking

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again.? "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer.? I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."?
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.? "Look," he says to the driver.? "You bought the Ford, Dad.? You'll have to live with it!"
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Gullibility, Stress, Riches

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.
"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind."
"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."
"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second.
"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third.
"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you."
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Life Lessons Learned From A Dog

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.?

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the face is effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

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Paradise Lost

Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.
"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."??"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"
Says the other man:? "My wife found out."

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Lawyer in Hell
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.
In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."
In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.?
"I'll choose this room," he said.
Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.
Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Original Airdate: May 22nd, 1986
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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And that's how the fight started

Received from Phyllis Ingram:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a?Christmas?gift...

?The next? year, I didn't buy her a gift.? When she asked? me why, I replied,

?? ?"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"?

?????? ?And that's how the fight started...

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?My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.

??I turned to? her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'?

????????? 'No,' she answered. I then said,

?? ? ? ? ? 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes',

??So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."?

???????? ?And that's when the fight started...

?????????? ________________________________

?My? wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he?sat?alone at a nearby table.?swigging his drink as he?sat?alone at a nearby table.?

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

??? ?"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"?

????????? ??? ?? And then the fight started...?

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?When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it? fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought ofa clever way to make her point.??

?When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping awaywith a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went intothe house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.???

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

?The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife?sat?down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

?I said, "Dust."

?? ? ? ? ??And then the fight started...

?????????? ________________________________

?Saturday?morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.??

?I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to mywife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."?

????? ?My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my? stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

???????? ?And that's how the fight started....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

?She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

?I bought her a bathroom scale.

??????? ???And then the fight started...

?????????? ______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

?I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.? I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

?She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

?When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

?She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'gotten disability too.'

????????? ?And then the fight started ...

?????????? ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."darn near perfect."

????????? ?And then the fight started ...

?????????? ________________________________

?I rear-ended a car?this morning… the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

?He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one?ARE?you then?'

???????? ?That's how the fight started.

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Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt Head

26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. “Now, then …”

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate

1. Microsoft Works

As seen at Joke-of-the-Day

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DEAR ABBY: My wife's good friend has had a tough time since her divorce. She started dating this guy off and on a few years ago. After the second breakup, we learned the reason. He was verbally abusive (same as her ex-husband).

They eventually resumed living together only to break up again after he threw hot cooking oil on her. This qualifies as physical abuse and, because they lived together, domestic abuse. She moved away and was considering a restraining order.

Several months have gone by, and now we have learned he has moved back in! We are worried for her and her young daughter. My experience as a former law enforcement officer is why I'm convinced she is trapped in a spiral of domestic abuse. I'm afraid each event will become more violent.

How can friends help in these cases? It's easy to spot these cycles when you are not in them. -- STANDING BY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STANDING BY: The most helpful thing you and your wife can do is continue to stand by this friend. Do not allow her abuser to isolate her. Explain your concerns about the man's hair-trigger temper and your worry that her child could be caught in the middle of one of his violent episodes -- or injured or killed if his fury is aimed directly at the child.

You or your wife should talk privately with her. Make sure she has the phone number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233). And reinforce that if she senses she might be in danger, she can call not only the police but also you.

DEAR ABBY: After being widowed for several years, I've met someone. We are talking about my moving into his home. My problem is, what do I do with my husband's ashes? I'll be keeping my house and won't be moving a lot of my things, but leaving him here seems wrong, and taking him along doesn't seem right either.

At the time of his death, his children wanted nothing to do with his ashes. Because I haven't heard from them since his passing, asking them again is out of the question. Any idea what I should do? -- RESPECTFUL IN MISSOURI

DEAR RESPECTFUL: What did you plan to do with the cremains in the event of your own demise? Have your wishes changed now that you have met someone? Because you haven't heard from your late husband's children doesn't mean you shouldn't contact them one last time. Ask what, if anything, they would like you to do with their father's ashes. Should you send them so they can dispose of them as a family, or would they prefer you scatter them in a significant place of your choosing? Their response will tell you what you need to know, and you can proceed free of guilt.