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Today's Clean Limericks
Kirk¡¯s traveling all ¡®round the nation
And eating those vile truck stop rations
??????????? He left me some work
??????????? In my inbox they¡¯ll lurk
How dare he go out on vacation?!?
When the rain's falling down from the sky,
Cows lie down and I oft wonder why.
?????????????? They will lie together
?????????????? In the stormy weather,
An attempt to keep?each?udder?dry.
In Hawaii, the seashore he craves.
It is something about which he raves.
?????????????? It's where he wants to be,
?????????????? So it's easy to sea
Because happiness does?come in waves
Received from Conrad Macina
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Garage Sale
I took four tires to a friend's garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $20," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Twenty dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.?
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Ten Songs for People Over 4010. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap
And the Number One song for people over 40...
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door
Received from?GCFL.
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Great Truths of life that Kids Know
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.?
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
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Minimum Wage Earner
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.?
As luck would have it, they matched.
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Lost and Found
As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.
One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."?
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."
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In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
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How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
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Workplace Vocabulary Lesson
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything ,and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.?
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
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The Tate Family
You may have heard of the Tate Family. Members of this family attend every group.
There is Dic Tate who wants to run everything.
Ro Tate tries to change things --- whether they need it or not.
Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible.
She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.?
Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is happening.
And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot.
When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work.
Imi Tate would rather copy others than try something new.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Stephen Colbert brings you the latest science stories from the world of science in his science-focused segment.
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On August 22, a moving truck turned left from Peabody St. onto Gregson and smashed into the canopener bridge. Apparently frustrated by this encounter, the driver decided to back out and keep going up Peabody, leaving behind some pieces of crash art for bystanders to pick up. Notice that some philistines just drive their cars over the crash art, before a true art connoisseur finally picks it up...
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DEAR ABBY: I met a young man on Facebook. He is a philanthropist, and we have been talking for more than six months. He's kind and sweet, and he tells me he loves me. He works around the world as an interior designer and will be returning to the States in a couple of weeks. The problem is, I'm 30 years older than he is. He has seen photos of me and thinks I am beautiful and a good woman. I am stressed about meeting him because he wants a life together, even though I have shared all of my health issues. Please help me. I have tried to end it because of the age difference, but he gets very upset, and so we go on. I do care about him. What should I do? -- WAFFLING IN GEORGIA DEAR WAFFLING: Tread very carefully! Although you have communicated over the last six months, he may not "quite" be the person he has presented himself to be. Make no commitments until you have actually met him in person. Hold on to your skepticism and do not give him money for ANY reason, because things that seem too good to be true often are.
DEAR ABBY: I'm dating a single dad with a teenage daughter who lives with him full time. His daughter's mother lives in the same town but rarely sees her. Mom does not want me to meet her daughter and offered the solution of taking her daughter to live with her. Six months later, Mom has yet to commit to actually having her daughter live with her. Because of this, I am no longer spending time at my boyfriend's home, and it's driving a wedge between us. We've been dating for a year and a half, and I'm now at my wits' end. HELP! -- WAITING IN NEW JERSEY DEAR WAITING: Your boyfriend's relationship with the mother of his child is not a healthy one. She doesn't have custody of her daughter and she shouldn't be dictating to whom the daughter is introduced. Ask him if he still feels the same about you that he did six months ago. If he says he does, suggest you get couples counseling because it feels like his ex has driven a wedge between you. His response should indicate the direction your relationship is headed.
DEAR ABBY: My brother lost his wife of 30-plus years to COVID. Because we live several states apart and I have significant chronic health issues of my own, I haven't been able to spend as much time with him as I would like. I call often just to check in, but wish I could do more to help him through his sorrow. The first anniversary of her death is approaching, and I'm uncertain how to handle it. Any advice is deeply appreciated. -- CHECKING IN THE EAST DEAR CHECKING: Because your health issues prevent you from traveling to see your brother, why not invite him to come for a visit? That way, you could be supportive, and he could have a therapeutic change of scene. If that's not possible, the next best thing would be to video chat with him, which would enable you to meet face-to-face from time to time. |
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