Daily Clean Jokes for??September 16, 2024? ?
DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH? ??
Part 1
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
>>>Today's Thot
Looking back, I really hurt my neck.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!" ----- |
My wife was shopping and sent me a picture of her in a dress she was thinking of buying and asked me, ¡°Does this dress make me look big?¡±
I answered back, "Noooo..."
Autocorrect changed my answer, to ¡°Moooo...¡±
Please send help!
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Why did the ballplayer bring a rope to the game?
He wanted to tie the score. -----
"Oh, I'm so happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mom will do the trick she has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit us again. ----- Submitted by?
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, ¡°Didn¡¯t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?¡±
The businessman replies, ¡°That¡¯s the accountant we¡¯re looking for.¡± -----
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone.
"Why not tell her it was me this time?" I suggested.
"Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time." |
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Today's One-Liner
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
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Thoughts Of The Day:
Art Reaches Its Greatest Peak
¡°Art reaches its greatest peak when devoid of self-consciousness. Freedom discovers man the moment he loses concern over what impression he is making or about to make.¡±
- Bruce Lee (Tao of Jeet Kune Do)?
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The Problem With Haters
"The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story."
- Maya Angelou
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Never Hated A Man Enough
¡°I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.¡±
¨D?Zsa Zsa Gabor
Received from AJokeaday
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Why Ask Why?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here".? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
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It¡¯s my wife¡¯s birthday soon and she¡¯s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
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Thought Of The Day:
Stronger Than Gratitude
"Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."
- Anne Frank
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One day little Tommy was walking with an older neighborhood kid named Billy Bob and he got curious.
¡°Billy Bob,¡± Tommy asked, ¡°How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?¡±
¡°Well,¡± Billy Bob answered, ¡°When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I...
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- A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
- Dr. Kervorkian was seen filling IV bottles at pool side.
- You haven¡¯t seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke¡¯s last movie.
- The amount of body hair found covering drain gives Prince Albert a run for his money.
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An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
¡°Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?¡±
The blonde said, ¡°How about 50 dollars?¡± ...
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The CIA is investigating who leaked the story that they have secret prisons in Europe. They are furious and say if they find the person who did it, they will send them to a secret prison Europe."?-- Jay Leno
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I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down ...
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More Jokes You May Have Missed from ArcaMax.com
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away from COVID in 2021. A year later, after it was safe to socialize, I had a memorial dinner to commemorate him. Not one of my seven local siblings attended. They said, "That was for his family." I didn't argue or try to convince them that I needed them. It was terribly embarrassing when my friends and my husband's friends kept asking to meet my siblings. It's been two years since the service and three years since his death, and I can't get over feeling abandoned. Although I am cordial, I don't rely on any of them. No one seems to notice my withdrawal -- at least they don't discuss the change in my behavior with me. I suppose I need to "get over it," but I can't. -- SO DISAPPOINTED IN VIRGINIA DEAR SO DISAPPOINTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. It must have been a terrible shock. Your siblings were either grossly insensitive or they may have disliked your husband. That they would avoid his memorial rather than attend and be supportive has to have been painful, and your reaction is understandable. Healthy people don't "get over" being abandoned in their time of need. I'm not suggesting that it's OK to carry a grudge that would further isolate you, but stepping back seems to have been a wise and self-protective decision. ----- DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Gary" for six years, but he has never proposed. I'm very independent. My husband died when my kids were small, and I had to raise them and keep a roof over our heads, which made me even more independent. In fact, there are times I don't think I even want to remarry. Gary and I love each other. We get along well and do a lot of things together. I know we are lucky to have each other in our lives, but there are times I want to break off our relationship because he hasn't asked me for a commitment, and I still want to find somebody who wants to commit himself to me. Although Gary says he is committed, I know being engaged isn't a magical solution either. I have been engaged before. I have tried breaking it off with Gary, but he never takes me seriously. I have felt this way for most of our relationship. I am a counselor, so I know about typical recommendations such as attending therapy. Should I stay, or should I go? Trying to go has not worked out in the past. I need some advice.?-- TO MARRY OR NOT IN ILLINOIS DEAR TO MARRY OR NOT:?It's time for a candid discussion with Gary about your feelings. Tell him that after six years, you need a commitment from him, and what exactly that entails. If you do, it may help you to clarify in your own mind what you need and what you think is missing. I don't think you need therapy to figure this out -- you simply need to be honest with yourself. |
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