Daily Clean Jokes for?
September 13, 2024????? ??
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Here Are Today's CleanPuns:?
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In their split-level Alaskan home,
Where Russia's seen from the city of Nome;
???? Their kids always knew,
???? As you do now, too,
"Mom" and "Dad" were the best
Palindrome!
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(Chris Gross)
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I was watching a movie while blending
A martini. The film was contending
???? How the drink came to be.
???? I'm surprised, didn't see
What would happen. There was a twist ending.
????????????????????????
(Kirk Miller)
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If
it's icy and bitterly cold
Or
it's blazingly hot, I am told
Spending
most of the day
At
a place where I'll play.
It's
a golf course, a site to be holed.
?????????????? (Kirk Miller)
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Archive from May:
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Mad Kane's Political Madness
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GOPers are
flocking to court
To kiss Donald¡¯s rump and help thwart
? ? ? ? New York¡¯s efforts
to try
? ? ? ? Donald Trump.
(He¡¯s their guy!)
And to truth, law, and justice distort.
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Quote of the Day:"A
bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it
back when it begins to rain."?--
Robert Frost??
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Today's One-Liners:???
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Arguing with me is pointless - I
realized I was wrong 10 minutes ago and now I'm just trying to make you mad.
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The word "gullible" isn't
in the dictionary.
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The biggest knight at King Arthur's
round table was Sir Cumference.
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Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's
firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via
GCFL.
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Music Director
During rehearsal, the high school
Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly
coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained
that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as
written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the
young musician from the band, he replied,
"It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."
Received from The Daily Groaner via GCFL.
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Duck Food
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Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper: No
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Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper : No, we have no duck
food
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Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper : NO!!? We do not
have any duck food!!
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Duck : Do you have any duck food?
Storekeeper : NO!!? WE DO NOT
HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD!!? And if you ask me that one more time I'm gonna nail
your little webbed feet to the floor!
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Duck : <thinks>?Do you
have any nails?
Storekeeper: <sigh> No....
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Duck : Do you have any duck food?
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Real Skill
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There was a rich man who was deliberately hard
on his farmhand.
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He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a
bottle of wine."
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The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you
wine with no money at all?"
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The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine
with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."
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After a while the farmhand returned with the
empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy
the wine, please."
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Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man
asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"
The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine
if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is
none."
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?Featured Illustrations are
items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon,
speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the
point of them is the point you make with them.
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A
Golf Funny
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"How
was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
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"Well,
I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where
the ball went."
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"But
you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't
you take my brother Scott along?"
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"But
he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
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"But
he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
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The
next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
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"Do
you see it?" asked Jack.
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"Yup,"
Scott answered.
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"Well,
where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
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"I
forgot."
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>>>Today's
Thot
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Q:
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be
wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one
you will see later and the other in a while.
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Received From Mikey¡¯s
Funnies.
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After
enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I
could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, ...
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"I
filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own any liquid-filled
furniture?' Couldn't they just have said 'waterbed'? How many other forms of
liquid-filled furniture are there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a
problem?'" -- Lisa Goich
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"Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just
chase you around all day long going, 'Can I ...
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I was in the
express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked
into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to
buy?"
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Becky
prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however,
she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all
day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another
batch.
She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised
Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the ...
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Received from
ArcaMax Jokes.
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There
are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by
the following method: Family Doctors know nothing and do little. Surgeons know
little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
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Two
elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I
think I just wet my pants."
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Paul
walked into Skeeter's Pub about 7PM, just a few minutes past the time he showed
up three or four times a week. "What'll it be tonight, Paul?"
"Bottle of Sam Adams, please, Skeeter." "I had Adams on tap last
night and you ordered a bottle of Guinness. Last week I had Guinness on tap and
you ordered a bottle of Foster's. Last month I had Foster's on tap -- you
wanted Beck's. Too bad at your young age you'll never be able to run for public
office." Paul shrugged. "How so?" "Because you've spent the
last year and a half avoiding the draft."
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Every
Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played
Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus
member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor
stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out.
"You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on
the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight."? (Bill Dyson)
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In olden times, women were not
allowed to act on the stage in many parts of the world. In operas, all female
parts were sung by castrati (males castrated before puberty for this purpose).
We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known
descendants.
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A young boy and his doting
grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of
nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees,
raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved
grandson. And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the
sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she
stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped
indignantly, "he had a hat!"
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There was a chess player, high-rated,
Who hardly ever had mated.
Oh, he won every game,
The board made his fame;
But his gambits in the lounge were ill-fated!
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Since we imported four billion
pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese
Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be -
that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made,
fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One
bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!" (Bill Maher)
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Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's
firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
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To really succeed in a business or
organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether
it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers.
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"Hi," you should say. "I'm a new
employee. What is the name of my job?"
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If they answer "long-range planner"
or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge
around and do crossword puzzles until retirement.
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Most jobs, however, will require some work.
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There are two major kinds of work in modern
organizations:
1.?Taking
phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2.?Going
to meetings.
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Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a
job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible,
because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to
be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position
of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with
a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
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The first meeting ever was held back in the
Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it
home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man
was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run
like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
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At last someone said, "Maybe if we just
sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to
hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer
sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the
next.
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But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the
men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.
The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the
top of their "agenda." At this point, the women, who were
primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern
agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.
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The modern business meeting, however, might
better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering
of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be
somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite
purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.
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An idea may look dead, but it will always
reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie
"Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern
meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were
killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings
and eat the brains of the living.
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There are two major kinds of meetings:
1.?Meetings
that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed -
namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on
Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because
this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I
wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of
meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school,
with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery
school, the kids actually have something to say.
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When it's your turn, you should say that you're
still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on.
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This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously
you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if
you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting
would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is
supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in
five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in
America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.
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2.?Meetings
where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you
do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like
someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat
report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and make up
elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it
away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write
the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a
question mark, like this "Norm?"
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Then you send it to Norm and forget all about
it. (Although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career.)
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But sometimes you go to meetings where the
purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious
because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it
is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you
have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you
anything.
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One way is to set fire to your tie.
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Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the
meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very
important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be
one or the other, however, not both. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice
said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the
Pope."
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You should know how to take notes at a meeting.
Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when
he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though
he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then draw interlocking
rectangles. If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can draw more
elaborate doodles and maybe even a caricature of the boss.
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If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have
everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers,
right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he
wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very,
very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope,
for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into."
Then they should file quietly out of the room.
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The PearlyGates list features
material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate
emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and
family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically,
and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell
these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain
public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other
than the jokes he tells.
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