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Daily Clean Jokes for May 14, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick There was a young rustic named Mallory, who drew but a very small salary. When he went to the show, his purse made him go to a seat in the uppermost gallery. ----- Reported by Stephen Goranson on the ADS-list and in comments at the Oxford Etymologist blog ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes for the Day: So many books, so little time. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. -- Frank Zappa “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”― Albert Einstein “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” ― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: * Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A MARINE FUNNY A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Marine joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?'' The sailor says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sign of the Times - Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed." - On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber." - Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak." - At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." - Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" - Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." - At a Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge: close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" - At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." - Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." - On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." - In a Nonsmoking Area": If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." - On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." - At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what you’re looking for, you've come to the right place." - On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." - In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." - On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." - On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." - At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." - Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary; we hear you coming." - Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." - On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." - In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay

Daily Clean Jokes for May 13, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Star Wars sound track is monumental. It has passages strong and gentle. Like the music he wrote, I would just like to note That John Williams was instrumental. Dick, Conrad, Bill, Jim, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: * The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Symphony Funny The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?" >>>Today's Thot I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...so she hugged me. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bob Hope's wit No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties. When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything. I can still chase women, only downhill. It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets. I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it? Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation. Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink. The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. From AZquotes.com, Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What do you call a cat sleeping in your shoe? Puss in Boots What happens to a cat who misbehaves at work? They have to report to Purr-sonnel. What did the gym coach say to the cat? Have you paid your annual fleas? Why do cats purr? A: To let you know they’re feline groovy. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ -Have you heard of Murphy's Law -Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong -What's about Cole's law? -No -It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream ----- The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!" -----

Daily Clean Jokes for May 12, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Banks have done something that I've regretted: Gave me way too much credit and netted A nice profit from me. It is easy to see That to them I am deeply indebted. Jim, Conrad, Bill, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon? I heard the food was good, but it had no atmosphere. ----- Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves at the same time he does. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Can February March? No, but April May. ----- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An Unlikely Vacation A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" ~~ Don't wail on the scale if you cheat when you eat. Received from Joke-of-the-Day.com ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Middle Wife I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. "First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for like an hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My dad called the middle wife. She

Daily Clean Jokes for May 11, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The photographer got a bad rap. She lacks focus, boss said. That is crap. People didn't agree With her manager. He Shutter out of a job in a snap. Conrad, Bill, and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Southern Commercials - Amazon Echo for Southerners - The Happy Horn - Grannycast 2000 - Chickaderm - Dad Comedy Jam - Bubblixa - What's For Dinner - Fuel - Grandma https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKGTeZFQnRs Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1 ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day? A sports car is speeding down the empty highway, the patrol car chases after it. The driver in the sports car decides to use his superior speed to escape since there is no way a cheap police car can catch up to him in his 200.000 Lamborghini. But after a half an hour chase, the police car was still hot on his heels. Deciding not to risk his life any further, he pulls over. The policeman also walks to his window. - I’m sorry officer, just excited to get this new car. Won’t happen again. - I understand. I like speed too. Now this is my last shift so i want to go home and rest, not paperwork so if you can give me a good joke, you can go free. The man thinks a bit and says: - My wife ran off with a policeman some time ago before I got this car, when I saw you at my back, I thought he wanted to give her back. The policeman laughs and sends him on his way. Received from Quora. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My Hearing After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing." The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better. Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday." ----- Signs of Too Much 21st Century 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. 4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. 5. You chat online regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year. 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address. 7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person. 9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. ----- Thought Of The Day: Time You Enjoy Wasting “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ― Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married Received from aJokeADay.com. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Work Equation Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Ov

Daily Clean Jokes for May 10, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks In the morning, the lawns will be blessed With some moisture. I'd like to suggest That the reason for this, Mother Nature's sweet kiss: She will always strive to dew her best. Conrad and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Why can't blind people eat fish? Because it's sea food. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Best Norm Peterson Quotes from Cheers Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers": "What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins." "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." "What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer." "What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey. ? Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away. ? What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ' Where do pirate mothers deliver their babies? In the C-Section. ----- Why did the albino pig have bad breath? He has no Pig mints. ----- My dentist told me that I couldn't have any more sugar. I told her that's an awful way to break up with someone. ----- What's the end of the world look like? d Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Trust me, I'm Sleeping My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia. That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open. ----- The Patient Waiter A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 9, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If a company's able to gain The technology that will attain Instant thundershowers, Firm should have its powers Be controlled. The result: rein rain reign. Every morning when I'm walking through The wet grass of a park, I will rue All the poop on the ground That is oftentimes found. Stroll is risky due to dew doo-doo. "There's a mountaintop that I will seek On a trek I will go on next week," Said a hiker to me. It was plain he could see The temptation of my peak peek pique. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. -- Henny Youngman ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF... ~ An overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation. ~ You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. ~ You sometimes rinse off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife lets you in the house. ~ You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket. ~ You have used baling wire to attach a license plate. ~ You remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, and yields for 10 years back, but not your kid's birthdays. ~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor's crops. ~ You borrow gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway. ~ You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. ~ You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs. ~ When you drive your truck, everybody waves at you. >>>Today's Thot I put my weight scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Two Swedes Fishing Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months." Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find." Received from Humor_G via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. ? What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey. ? Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What's 5 Q + 5 Q? 10 Q. You're welcome. ----- I just got back from a hacker's funeral ... He was encrypted in a cemetery. ----- Who's that good-looking worker who checks everything that comes into the anthill? It's pretty import ant. ----- Why didn't I have fun at your haunted house? Well, nothing jumps out at me. ----- Why shouldn't nuns chew their fingernails? It's a bad habit. Received from Reddit Clean. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 8, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If you catch a chinchilla in Chile And cut off its beard, willy-nilly You can honestly say You made on that day A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly Edit: u/OCJeriko fixed it ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~ Mark Twain ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: When the man hit his head on the doorway and sued, his lawyer advised to him to settle for a lump sum. The new parents tried everything but couldn’t get their crying infant to sleep like a baby. Two protons were sitting in the corner. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, that neutron got a free beer!" The other replies, "Are you positive?" Puns are not only for children, but for groan-ups too The Pope claimed it was indeed the remains of that symbol of Christianity on which the Lord had died so that the sins of mankind could be forgiven them, but the attorney for the state doubted it would stand up to his cross-examination. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you’re American when you go in the bathroom … … and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European. What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny. What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back for seconds. My roommate is convinced that my house is haunted. ... but I have lived here almost 300 years and haven't seen anything strange. When students duel at Hogwarts ... It should be called a Spelling Bee. The chefs in my local restaurant have been arguing about the correct temperature to heat the soup ... Tensions have finally reached a boiling point. Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Rubik’s Cube Life Life is like a Rubik's cube... Easy to mess up, hard to solve. ----- The Jealous Dog A man comes home from work, expecting his dog to welcome him with nothing but excitement. Dog: "I saw you out there." Me: "What?" Dog: "I saw you pet the neighbor's dog." Me: "I was just..." Dog: (crying) "Did you rub his belly? DID YOU ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?!" ----- Thought Of The Day: Not By Chance, But By Choice "Happiness is not by chance but by choice." - Jim Rohn Received from aJokeADay.com. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ You Know You're Too Intense When ... ~ You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up. ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before. ~ The sun is SO loud. ~ Trees begin chasing you. ~ You can see individual air molecules vibrating. ~ You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. ~ You can hear mimes. ~ You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. ~ Things become "very clear." ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing t

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 7, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks A large Buddhist group is repeating The same words, while on drums they're beating. That is where a pair met, Fell in love. You can bet Their encounter was called a chants meeting._,_._,_ Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: A lot of women say their husband never listens to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Doctor Funny Patient: "Doctor, doctor! My wife has lost her voice! How can I help her get it back?" Doctor: "Try coming home at 3 in the morning." ------ Nurse: Doctor! Doctor! There's an invisible man in the waiting room! Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now. ------ Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Can I have second opinion? Doctor: Of course, come back tomorrow! Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Stuck in the Snow During a storm, my wife's car became stuck in a snow bank. Our obstetrician saw her spinning her wheels, trying to get out. When he offered to help, my wife could not resist telling him, "Okay, Doctor, now when I count to three, PUSH!" Received from Pulpit Supply. ----- First Child My wife and I - both graduate students - recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks." Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head. ? What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny. ? What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Who's that good looking worker who checks everything that comes into the anthill? It's pretty import ant. ----- I was sitting on the sofa watching some youtube on the telly last night, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains in your chest like someone with a voodoo doll is stabbing it?" I replied, "No." Then she asked, "How about now?" Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Born In 1935 A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born. She told him she was born in 1935. "Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money!" ----- How Many? An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?" The accountant looks at the sheep for

Daily Clean Jokes for May 5, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There once was a man from Nantucket, Who kept all his cash in a bucket. But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket. -- As seen in Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: 1. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing. 2. What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback. 3. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. 4. I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body. 5. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ YESTERDAY (Sung to the tune of the Beatles' song "Yesterday") Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. -- Author Unknown Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mom and Daughter Walk https://www.facebook.com/reel/4879568625602448 Received from Reels. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said: "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said: " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said: "We should be the Boss because we do all the work earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I've decided to start a new chapter in my life. Otherwise, this autobiography will never get finished. ---- There's a new sport where you jump out of an airplane with out a parachute ... ... It's called sky-dying. Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Car Doors Recess Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day. His teac

Daily Clean Jokes for May 4, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There once was a fellow named Lou, Whose stories were often askew. He'd make up a tale, Then completely fail, And claim he was right, it's true! ----- Limerick Foundation ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Management Lesson Lesson No. 2 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. But soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. The moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: When the man hit his head on the doorway and sued, his lawyer advised to him to settle for a lump sum. The new parents tried everything but couldn’t get their crying infant to sleep like a baby. Two protons were sitting in the corner. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, that neutron got a free beer!" The other replies, "Are you positive?" Puns are not only for children, but for groan-ups too The Pope claimed it was indeed the remains of that symbol of Christianity on which the Lord had died so that the sins of mankind could be forgiven them, but the attorney for the state doubted it would stand up to his cross-examination. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A G'pa Funny The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?" "No champ, I never did." "That's a good thing." "You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!" >>>Today's Thot I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. ----- A Patio Funny (Rerun in case you missed it) My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?" >>>Today's Thot When God made me, He grinned and said, "This'll be fun." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Golfing Realities Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00

Daily Clean Jokes for May 3, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks I asked sketch artist when she'd begin On my portrait. She said with a grin: An appointment you should Make with me so I could Check my schedule and pencil you in. Lee, Carol, Conrad, Jim, Bill, Chris, Dick, Grover got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "Most of us are three bad months away from being homeless. None of us are three good months away from being billionaires." - Unknown ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Sparkling water tastes like when your leg falls asleep. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Little Astronomy Humor "Why didn't the Sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!" This pun is a fun way to incorporate a little science into your humor. It also encourages curiosity and learning, reminding us that education isn't just about formal schooling. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Debt Funny While sitting at a counter having doughnuts and coffee at a 'quick stop' service station, two brothers were startled to see a man step up to the cashier, holding a gun and demanding all his money. Not being satisfied with that, he made all the customers line up and proceeded to take all their valuables: watches, billfolds, etc. As he made his way from person to person in the line, the two brothers stood waiting at the end of the line. One brother carefully reached into his pocket, pulling out some cash and slipping it into his brother's hand. "What's that?" his brother whispered. "That's the $20 I owe you." he replied. >>>Today's Thot I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant. ----- A Patio Funny "For Those Who Missed This One Yesterday What with my Computer Problems" My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?" >>>Today's Thot When God made me, He grinned and said, "This'll be fun." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chemistry Defined Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle. Received from GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Foul Suspicion After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock. ----- Survey Results I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed. ----- Ancient Bookplate Steale not this boke for fear of shame For here you see ye owner hys name And when you die ye Lord will saye Where is that boke you stole away? Then if you say, you cannot telle, Ye Lord will saye, t

Daily Clean Jokes for May 2, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Puns are quite universal; it's true. They're not targeted for just a few. Puns are told near and far 'Round the world 'cause they are Meant for children and for groan-ups, too. Conrad, Bill, Erika, Chris got it. Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ -- Bruce Baum ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: If we think life as exam, we tend to get tensed ... so chill out and enjoy each day as it is a vacation after exams ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's Clean Pun: Many years ago my wife was a knitting expert. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (Only one person spoke 'pidgin' English, and all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu, she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse. Some months later i saw the result -- it was a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until, at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician, who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when the doctor told her they read, "This is a cheap dish --- but good." ----- Other Punnies Old math profs never die, they just use strange expressions. A psychiatrist on a hike fell into a depression. You could hear a cough drop. You should never take rocks for granite. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Zero Billy brought his graded test paper up to the teacher after class one day. "Miss Larsen," Billy said, "I want to talk to you about this grade you gave me." "What about it?" Miss Larsen asked. Billy commented, "It's a zero!" "That it is," Miss Larsen replied. "I don't think I deserve such a grade," Billy asserted. "I agree," Miss Larsen said. Billy's eyebrows raised. "You do?" he asked, surprised. "Yes," Miss Larsen said, "But unfortunately, it's the lowest grade I was able to give you." Received from hahafunnies ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Thought for the Day Here's a little hug for you To make you smile when you feel blue To make you happy if you're sad. To let you know ... life isn't that bad! From Janice ----- Rules for Good Housekeeping: 1. It's time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs. 4. Sweep the room with a glance. 5. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 6. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. Via Syman Says; SYMANSAYS@... ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I provide technical support for the computer software published by my company. One day, over the phone, I was helping a customer install a product on a Macintosh. The procedure required him to delete an old file. On the Mac there is an icon of a trash can that is used to collect items to be permanently deleted. I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a fe

Daily Clean Jokes for May 1, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks When you're teaching recruits how to schlep In a marching formation, the prep That all drill sergeants know That is best: Take it slow. Do not hurry; just go step by step. Jim, Carol, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: By all means, marry If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. ----- Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. ----- Many years ago my wife was a knitting expert. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (Only one person spoke 'pidgin' English, and all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu, she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse. Some months later i saw the result -- it was a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until, at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician, who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when the doctor told her they read, "This is a cheap dish --- but good." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Robber Funny The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor. The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk. "Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end. The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know." >>>Today's Thot Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 12 Reasons Why a Pastor Quit Attending Sporting Events 1. The coach never came to visit me. 2. Every time I went, they asked for money. 3. The people sitting in my row didn’t seem very friendly. 4. The seats were very hard. 5. The referees made a decision I didn’t agree with. 6. I was sitting with hypocrites—they only came to see what others were wearing! 7. Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home. 8. The band played some songs I had never heard before. 9. The games are scheduled on my only day to sleep in and run errands. 10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up. 11. Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyway. 12. I don’t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best. Thanks to Patrick Malone for sharing this one ... via Keith Todd's Sermon Fodder; sermon_fodder-owner@... _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for April 30, 2025 Quote of the Day: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: ? "I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Best Bad Funny Puns 1. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side. 2. What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback. 3. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. 4. I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body. 5. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hooked Hal hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore.'" "I'll take it," the attorney said. Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mouse Jokes To A-mouse You 1. What’s a mouse’s favourite game? Hide and squeak 2. Why are all elephants are console gamers? ‘Cause they’re afraid of the mouse 3. What did the big mouse say to the little mouse? Pip, squeak 4. What did the mouse say to the ant crossing the street? Hello, fellow road-ant Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side In quietness the soul expands. -- Rockwell Kent ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why were they sad when the Dean of the Clown College retired? He left Big Shoes to fill. ----- What vegetable is always served burned? Chard ----- What amusement park do cows go to? Knott's Dairy Farm ----- What do you call a fish without a pair of eyes? A bind fsh Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ No Chants Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions? Because they have literally no chants in Hell ----- Dead or Alive An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts." ----- Thought Of The Day: If You're Too Open Minded “If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti Received from aJokeADay.com. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pompous Colonel Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, than

Daily Clean Jokes for April 29, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There's a sport that two couples adore: Playing golf every day, and their corps Will warn folks on the course Balls are coming. The source Of the cautions are yells: fore for four! Erika, Jim, Conrad, Bill, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Quote of the Day: "It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother's Day." -- Paul Clay Today's One-Liner: If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars. A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize. Received from Laugh & Lift A Time Funny A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, not yet, you have another 43 years, 2 hours and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in the presence of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "My child, I am sorry, but I didn't recognize you!" ----- God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets. Received from Mikey's Funnies Popular Restaurant When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loud-speaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready." ----------- Today's saying or thought ------------------------- Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun Postponed Test One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me. By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked. "I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town." Received from GCFL. Auction Reward Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00!” Received from aJokeADay.com Leading by Example When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing. When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating. When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets. Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a p

Daily Clean Jokes for April 28, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The man's bottom of foot doesn't feel Very good. Pain he just can't conceal. To a doc he does go. I suppose that you know The podiatrist says he'll heal heel. Erika, Jim, Lee, Conrad, Dick, Bill, Chris, Adam got it. Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: My IQ test results came back. They were negative. You can always make Easter easier by replacing the "t" with and "i." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: "Why didn't the Sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!" ----- Throwing trash on the street is litter-ly illegal. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Resurrection? When I was young, I often visited my grandmother in Kennett, Missouri. Every year Kennett high school joined with Carruthersville to put on a production of the resurrection. A girl from Carruthersville was chosen to play the part of the angel at the tomb. It was time for her to say her part, "He is not here. He is risen." She was so nervous that she forgot her line, but rather said, in her best southeast Missouri accent, "Uh, He ain't here. He done gone." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lunching at a local eatery, I overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter about plans for a wedding. The young woman protested that she was the one being married and should be allowed to make the decisions. "After all, Mother," the bride-to-be said, "you had your wedding 23 years ago." "No, dear," came the reply. "That was my mother's wedding." Received from Reader's Digest by L. C. Sah ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side Lunching at a local eatery, I overheard a conversation between a mother and daughter about plans for a wedding. The young woman protested that she was the one being married and should be allowed to make the decisions. "After all, Mother," the bride-to-be said, "you had your wedding 23 years ago." "No, dear," came the reply. "That was my mother's wedding." Submitted to Reader's Digest by L. C. Sah ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Deciding on a 2005 Diet Can't eat beef, Mad Cow ... Can't eat chicken ... Bird Flu Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella and they're too expensive Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!! I believe that leaves Chocolate! Chocolate is a Vegetable Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or

Daily Clean Jokes for April 27, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Steaks and hamburger I like to eat, So I buy sides of beef. It's a treat. I go in with some friends. Splitting beef always ends The same way. Process is: meet, mete meat. Carol, Bill, Jim, Erika, Chris, Dick got it. Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: On the car radio, Dad listened to Pop music. If you want to talk about a certain track-and-field event, then you can discuss discus. The first positive number really liked its alone time when it could be the one and only. What did the rope say after it got tangled? Oh, no, knot again. Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats. "What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide, "one woman admitted." "Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you is going to be able to find anything like that. I always have felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ HOW TO KNOW IT'S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR ~ A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum. ~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel. ~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped. ~ As you drive by, people keep yelling, "Get a horse." ~ Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement. ~ When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?" ~ Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to. ~ While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt. ~ Police are constantly pulling you over on the interstate to ask why you're not maintaining the minimum 65 mph speed. ~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups. ~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits. >>>Today's Thot If I had a quarter for each math exam I've failed, I'd have $6.30. I avoid stairs. They're always up to something. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Benjamin Franklin Quotes War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is. Revolution is when you decide that for yourself. If everyone is thinking alike, then no one is thinking. Make yourself sheep and the wolves will eat you. Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes There are many roads to success, but only one sure road to failure; and that is to try to please everyone else. Well done is better than well said. The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished. Believe none of what you hear

Daily Clean Jokes for April 26, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There's a donkey that some people know In a town with a hole down below City hall on the square, And what you will find there Is the borough of burro's burrow. Chris and Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue. ----- Today's One-Liner: I identify heavily with the seagull because if I was gifted the miracle of flight, I too would probably just use it to steal French fries all day long. ----- "Bubble Wrap Dilemma: A Corner Solution" "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours... ----- Heartwarming Visit: Preacher and the Peanut Bowl A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the elderly woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. ----- ----- Walking Recovery An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns of the Day: Have you heard about the cowboy who put Super Glue on his six-shooters? He always stuck to his guns. Did Brad and Angelina consider Spoonerisms when naming their daughter Shiloh Pitt? A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide. I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software. I guess I'm just anti-Symantec. I bought some moonshine from a Chinese guy, but when I tried it, it tasted like grass. I think I got bamboozled. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Business Funny A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had jus

Daily Clean Jokes for April 25, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Mrs. Clown tried to squirt her sister; Asked her husband to please assist her. Her hubby was not A very good shot, So you know Mr. mister missed 'er. Jim, Conrad, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . .and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Puns are a unique form of humor, with the ability to make us laugh and think at the same time. They encourage us to see the world from different perspectives, to question our assumptions, and to appreciate the complexity and beauty of language. So next time you hear a pun, don't just groan—take a moment to appreciate the thought and creativity that went into it. You might find that it brightens your day and broadens your mind at the same time. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Business Funny A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." >>>Today's Thot If you can't handle me randomly blurting out song lyrics that relate to what you just said, we can't be friends. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Head Hog One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the building fund..." To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 50 Eye Care Memes Sure to Make You Laugh https://invisionmag.com/memes/?slide=1 Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ______________________________________________________________________________________________