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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 7, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??

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Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ?

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Kirk Miller

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Quote of the Day:? ?

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Today's One-Liner:? ?

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A lot of women say their husband never listens to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that.

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Puns of the Day:?

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?Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit?, you need to let that mango.

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A Doctor Funny

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! My wife has lost her voice! How can I help her get it back?"

Doctor: "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."

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Nurse: Doctor! Doctor! There's an invisible man in the waiting room!

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now.

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Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Can I have second opinion?

Doctor: Of course, come back tomorrow!

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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During a storm, my wife's car became stuck in a snow bank. Our obstetrician saw her spinning her wheels, trying to get out.

When he offered to help, my wife could not resist telling him, "Okay, Doctor, now when I count to three, PUSH!"

Received from Pulpit Supply.

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First Child

My wife and I - both graduate students - recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

Received from Steve Sanderson?via GCFL.

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? What did one hat say to the other?

You wait here. I’ll go on a head.

? What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.

? What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?

A parrot.

Submitted to Reader's Digest?

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Who's that good looking worker who checks everything that comes into the anthill?

It's pretty import ant.

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I was sitting on the sofa watching some youtube on the telly last night, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains in your chest like someone with a voodoo doll is stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

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Received from Reddit Clean.

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A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born.

She told him she was born in 1935.

"Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money!"

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An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right," he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the accountant, "I counted the number of feet and divided by four."

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Thought Of The Day:

Wake Up

"If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up."

- J.M. Power

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"Dad, I am hungry."

"Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."

"Dad, I'm serious."

"I thought you were Hungry?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Nope, I'm Dad."

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Two rabbits are running from a group of foxes.

They hide in a pile of hay.

One rabbit says to the other one, "Ok, we can run for it, or we can stay here, and soon enough we out number them."

The other rabbit says, "We're going to run for it you idiot, I'm your brother!"

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Thought Of The Day:

Just Friends

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other… Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.”

― Dave Matthews Band

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Received from aJokeADay.com.

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What Would They Have Driven?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".?

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

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A guy wanders into a pub one evening followed by a giraffe. They sit down, and over a number of hours get extremely drunk. As the bar is shutting, the man goes to leave.

The man behind the bar yells "Oi mate. You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The drunk turns around and says, "Oi mate, it isn't a lion. It's a giraffe!"

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The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.

“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad …”

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"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them."
~ Unknown ~

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"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one." --?Unknown?
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"Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.?Quinn remarked that Murphy was a very lucky man, because his own wife makes him walk to the pub."

-- Unknown

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.

Around 16 to 20 million U.S. adults are taking prescription stimulants for ADHD -- and about 4 million of them are either misusing their Rx or have what's called prescription stimulant use disorder (PSUD), according to a new study in JAMA Psychiatry.

About three-quarters of the folks who are struggling with serious abuse of ADHD medication are focused on one medication and 90% of those with PSUD take prescribed amphetamines (Adderall) as opposed to methylphenidate (Ritalin), which ...

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DEAR ABBY: Our son and his girlfriend had our first grandchild 18 months ago. We helped them move out of their rental house before the baby was born and buy a cute little house, which we made sure was in good shape before they moved in. (They had ruined the rental property with a couple of cats they had and their refusal to clean it at all.) We told them they had to keep the new house clean for themselves as well as our new grandson. The new house is now disgustingly filthy and filled with trash and the smell of cat urine. We watch our grandson several times a week, even keeping him overnight. We don't ask them for anything, and they don't offer. We feel he's better off staying with us rather than in their nasty house. We have gone over several times to help clean their place and purchased many items to help them keep the place cleaner, to no avail. We are at our wits' end. We don't want to involve children's protective services, but we don't know what we can do to get them to understand the gravity of this situation. What do you suggest? -- CAREFUL GRANDPA IN OHIO DEAR GRANDPA: By now it should be clear to you that your son and his girlfriend have no intention of keeping their house clean, even for the baby's sake. As I see it, you have three choices: Turn a blind eye to what is happening and do nothing, hire a cleaning crew once or twice a month to do what they are unwilling to do, or contact child protective services because the home is a danger to your grandchild. Please let me know what you decide.

DEAR ABBY: I am the only daughter in a family with four brothers. My family treats me like I don't exist. My father constantly hurts my feelings intentionally. When I express how he (and the others) make me feel, I am ignored. It hurts deeply knowing my father doesn't even like me. It feels like knives in my heart and my back. I have been dealing with this for 44 years. I am sad all the time. I don't trust anyone because of the lies and hate I get from my family. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. All I do is exist. My husband and I are both ill, but we receive no compassion. I can't afford a psychologist. If I could, I would go to one. My heart aches for someone in my family to care about me. How can I make this pain go away? -- FAULTED FOR BEING HERE DEAR FAULTED: I am sorry for your pain. You may be able to get the help you need by contacting your county health department and asking about low-cost counseling services, or by reaching out to the nearest college or university that has a department of psychology and asking if any of their graduate students could see you (under supervision). I cannot fix your family -- no one can. But that doesn't mean you can't strengthen yourself, which is what you may need to do in order to stop hurting and find your indignation.

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