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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 9, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

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Today's Clean Limericks? ? ??

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If a company's able to gain

The technology that will attain

????????????Instant thundershowers,

????????????Firm should have its powers

Be controlled.??The result:?rein?rain?reign.

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Every morning when I'm walking through

The wet grass of a park, I will rue

????????????All the poop on the ground

????????????That is oftentimes found.

Stroll is risky?due?to?dew?doo-doo.

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"There's a mountaintop that I will seek

On a trek I will go on next week,"

????????????Said a hiker to me.

????????????It was plain he could see

The temptation of my?peak?peek?pique.

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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk Miller

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Quote of the Day:? ?

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Today's One-Liner:? ??

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

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Pun of the Day:?

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?Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!

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YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF...

~ An overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

~ You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

~ You sometimes rinse off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife lets you in the house.

~ You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

~ You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

~ You remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, and yields for 10 years back, but not your kid's birthdays.

~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

~ You borrow gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

~ You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

~ You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

~ When you drive your truck, everybody waves at you.

>>>Today's Thot

I put my weight scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

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Received from Mikey’s Funnies.

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Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

Received from Humor_G?via GCFL.

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? What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.

? What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

? Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad away.

Submitted to Reader's Digest?

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What's 5 Q?+ 5 Q?

10 Q.? You're welcome.

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I just got back from a hacker's funeral ...

He was encrypted in a cemetery.?

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Who's that good-looking worker who checks everything that comes into the anthill?

It's pretty import ant.

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Why didn't I have fun at your haunted house?

Well, nothing jumps out at me.

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Why shouldn't nuns chew their fingernails?

It's a bad habit.

Received from Reddit Clean.

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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

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Josh was helping Sally, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

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Thought Of The Day:

Two Classes of Travel

"There are two classes of travel... first class and with children.”

- Robert Benchley

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Received from aJokeADay.com.

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Old Maserati

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"?

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

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Behind Schedule

The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."

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Duelling Barbers

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Employee's Lingo

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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By Michael Roizen, M.D.

Your morning cup of coffee may help you mentally kickstart the day. But it can also help you get moving internally. For about a third of folks, drinking coffee, even decaf, promotes a bowel movement. (Caffeinated coffee is 23% more effective at that than decaf). And for folks who respond to coffee's gastro-effects, it starts happening about 4 minutes after the first cup.

If you're one of the 16% of folks who deal with constipation -- or the third of those ages 65 and older who ...

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 55-year-old father of a 7-year-old child. My social skills and experience are rusty due to graduate school and post-graduate training years (12 years, to be exact) without much social interaction. I believe I missed an opportunity to bond with our 7-year-old. Five years ago, my wife and I ran into a Hall of Fame ballplayer. I became so starstruck that I couldn't stop blurting out how fantastic I thought he was. It did not go over well. Fast-forward to today: My child's classmate happens to be the child of yet another superstar. My wife told me, "Do not engage or talk to them." She said she'd handle everything. Well, I think I may have followed her instructions too literally and came across as rude or dismissive by not chatting with them. I'm afraid they may think I'm a snob or a jerk. How can I dig myself out of the hole I may have placed myself in? Because they are celebrities, I don't want to invade their privacy. I sent a holiday greeting to the email address shared in the school parent directory. No response. How should I interpret the non-response? Was my greeting delivered? Read? I also have their text number, but I don't want to harass these people. -- LOVING DAD IN THE SOUTH DEAR LOVING DAD: Celebrities often receive greetings from fans they don't know. Because you didn't receive a response to yours, it is possible the celebrity didn't see it, or was too inundated to answer. That your message went unanswered should not be regarded as a personal rejection. Do not text the person. Simply quit second-guessing yourself. You haven't committed a social faux pas. In the future, remember that celebrities are usually just like the rest of us, albeit better known. When you encounter one, remain calm. Smile and say hello just as you would the couple who live across the street. Doing that is not harassment, it's being friendly.

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away five months ago. His wife has been unbearable to deal with and is controlling all aspects of any funeral arrangements. During the process of my father getting sick and then being placed in hospice, I have gone above and beyond to assist her with any of her needs. My daughter is at college out of state, and in order to receive year-round tuition, she must stay on campus year-round. The schedule of my daughter's temporary job position plus taking time off when my father was sick made it difficult for her to come home at any given time. My father's wife refused to compromise with me on a day that would work better for my daughter to attend the funeral. As a result, my daughter missed her grandfather's funeral. How can I get past my hurt and resentment? -- RESENTFUL IN ILLINOIS DEAR RESENTFUL: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. That your daughter had to miss her grandfather's funeral is regrettable, but the reason is understandable. Please remind yourself that your father's wife is also grieving and isn't her best at this time. Do you know why she could not or would not change the date of your father's funeral to accommodate your daughter? Before starting a rift, the two of you need to have a talk.

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