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Daily Clean Jokes for January 29, 2025 Kirk's Limerick At the deli, two friends like to eat; Get together at noon, so they greet One another each day And are likely to say That they're having a nice lunch-n-meet. Conrad, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Deviants who socialize and enjoy each other are members of a mutual aberration society. I saw a new recipe book about cooking with herbs. It’s about Thyme. I saw some relish on a motorbike. It was trying to ketchup with its friends. Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds? No whey! A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an altar each morning before departing for work. One morning he had left a freshly fried egg roll. Before he left the house, he noticed that the tidbit had disappeared. When he questioned his house boy about the matter, the house boy with guilt replied, "I know it's only wokkened roll, Buddha lack it." ------ Gen Z: Here Are 15 Things You Can Do With Your Time Now That TikTok Is Banned TikTok has been officially banned over concerns of improper data collection and the spread of propaganda from the Chinese-owned app. Now Gen Z is in a bit of a pickle. What else are they supposed to do with their time? The Babylon Bee had come up with 15 things Gen Z-ers can do with their time in a world without TikTok: Use your phone to actually call people: Little do you know, but phones can also function as phones. When wanting to watch TV, turn on the TV: The larger screen will shock and amaze you. Now spend all your spare time watching useless videos on YouTube or Instagram instead: There are probably some pretty sweet reaction videos to the TikTok ban. Watch a feature-length movie: It's like a thousand TikTok's mashed together. Catch up on all 35 seasons of America's Funniest Home Videos: It's the TikTok of your parents' generation. Instead of staring at your phone, stare directly at the sun: If you do it long enough, you won't be able to see your phone ever again. Just think of how much more fulfilling your life will be. Touch grass: It feels weird, but you'll eventually get used to it. Talk to another human being in person: You can bond over how much you both miss TikTok. Instead of catfishing people, try catfishing catfish: It's a simpler life. Learn a fictional fantasy language: Like Klingon, Elvish, or Latin. Study Pythagoras, then develop your own theorem about triangles: It's everyone's dream to have a mathematical theorem named after them. Try to beat a level 9 CPU in Super Smash Bros. while hanging off your couch upside down: Fox only, no items, Final Destination. Watch the entire series of Disney's Bonkers: The main character, Bonkers D. Bobcat, had a catchphrase that was just him saying his name. "B-B-B-Bonkers!" What's better than that? Just email your data directly to the CCP: Cut out the middleman. Move to China where it's not banned, and you'll have so much more freedom: You may even be celebrated as a giant there. Received from Kirk Miller. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Coat Funny Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?" The woman shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that!" >>>Today's Thot As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. Received from Mikey's Funnies ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ How to Avoid Mixing Your Metaphors It’s not rocket surgery. First, get all your ducks on the same page. After all, you can’t make an omelette without breaking stride. Be sure to watch what you write with a fine-tuned comb. Check and re-check until the cows turn blue. It’s as easy

Daily Clean Jokes for January 28, 2025 Kirk's Limericks As the wave went around, fans hooted In the stadium; up they scooted. People rose in the stands And they raised both their hands. Fans in sections were all uprooted. Conrad, Chris, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns: Sailors usually like their pier group. A pharmacist and a patient had a pill owe fight. __________________________________________________________________________________________ " I hate advice unless I am giving it." -- Jack Nicholson Predictability? IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT. __________________________________________________________________________________________ On a kayaking trip to the Apostle Islands in northern Wisconsin, my wife and I were talking to our guide as we ate lunch on a remote beach. I mentioned how unusual it was to have no television, newspapers or radio. "In fact," I continued, "it's going to be strange to return home and find out what's been going on in the real world." No one spoke for a few moments. Then, without taking his eyes from the horizon, the guide replied, "I assumed that's what you came here for." - submitted to Reader's Digest by Ken McCormack __________________________________________________________________________________________ Family Movie On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?" Received from GCFL. __________________________________________________________________________________________ On a sunny day, I set out with five other young women to go water-skiing on a nearby lake. After launching our boat, we skimmed around and stopped in the middle of the lake to get ready for skiing. The motor failed to start again, however, and we were stranded. After we had drifted for a couple of hours, a fisherman finally noticed our plight. He pulled alongside our boat and attached a tow line. As we headed for shore, he looked back at the six of us, all clad in bikinis, and exclaimed, "Wait till my wife sees this catch!" - submitted to Reader's Digest by C M __________________________________________________________________________________________ Drunk Driving Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!! Received from aJokeADay.com __________________________________________________________________________________________ A Father's Sermon A minister's young son sat on the floor of his father's office watching him write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" the boy asked. "Why, God tells me." his father replied. "Well, then why do you keep crossing things out?" Received from Beliefnet.com __________________________________________________________________________________________ Kid Joke It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package ov

Daily Clean Jokes for January 27, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Bottled water firm has lucidity. It is struggling and gets validity To change prices. You see And head honchos agree That they need to improve liquidity. Lee, Conrad, Carol, Jim, Bill got it. Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns The public quiz didn’t go well. The quiz master asked “name a Bond villain”, but he just wouldn’t take No as an answer. A hedgehog I know tried to strengthen his spikes by lifting weights with them, but he didn’t have the quill power. If we don't conserve water, we could go from one ex-stream to another. Did you know that hard water is never used to make soft drinks? When bottled water is cheap, it's called a liquidation sale. Someone asked me if I could swim under water. I said, "Don't hold your breath." A bust is made of famous people who were a head of their time. While in the Middle East, I bought an ink pen. I can't get it to work, though. I just don't understand Arab Bic. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Crash Funny Two men crash into each other at an intersection. The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming, "You rotten driver, you wrecked my Mercedes! I'm a lawyer, and I'm going to sue you for everything you have!" The other man responds, "You lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm." The lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my Rolex!" >>>Today's Thot It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes * "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was." * "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling." * "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment." * "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time." * "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting." * "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." * "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet." * "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard." * "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM." * "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday." Received from Good Clean Funny Laugh. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Something In Her Eye "Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars." "That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars." ----- Comparing Notes Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without." ----- Thought Of The Day: Don't Take Life Too Seriously “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” -- Elbert Hubba

Daily Clean Jokes for January 26, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Students' multiplication rate climbs. They are better, but not in their primes. Kids are having success Here and there, so I guess They're succeeding, but not at all times. Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Clocks with hands were once the only type of clock, but times have changed. The child was learning how to fish and was quickly catching on. Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The maitré d' greets him at the counter and says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables available at this time." "That's okay," replies the Indian, "I have a reservation." Was Ms. Ciccone snooty even before she became famous? Yes, because she was a pre-Madonna. ----- Truly Nice https://www.wimp.com/man-goes-viral-for-his-snow-management-strategy/ ----- Good News- Fire https://tinyurl.com/fireherosfy Received from Kirk Miller. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Proposal Funny Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?" "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out." "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father. "Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'" >>>Today's Thot My lawn is chicken proof. It's impeccable. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Couples Time Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out. ----- Surgery Anesthesia A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!” ----- Thought Of The Day: If There's A Book “If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.” -- Toni Morrison ----- Buffalo's Milk "Mom says that drinking a buffalo's milk makes us smarter." "She's lying. If it did make one smarter, then the buffalo's calves would be scientists." ----- Boat Number 99 At a boat rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone. "Boat number 66!" he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?" ----- Thought Of The Day: If At First You Don't Succeed “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” -- W.C. Fields Received from aJokeADay. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for or January 25, 2025 Kirk's Limericks A good punster once gave me a tip Years ago when he uttered this quip: For a play on words to Make much sense, surely you Know what's needed is good punmanship. Chris and Jim got it. Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge". Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed. ----- Airline Says It Will Cost Extra If You Want To Bring Your Legs Onboard Passengers of Frontier Airlines will now be required to pay an extra fee if they wish to fly with their legs onboard, the company announced in a press release. The new policy goes into effect this spring after the airline finishes training its personnel on how to best break both the news and legs of passengers. "If Frontier wasn't so cheap I would stop flying with them immediately," said one passenger. "But at least they're offering a convenient service to remove and pack away your legs at the gate. Of course, that also costs extra..." According to Frontier, flying has never been more comfortable now that legroom is no longer a concern. "Wow, so roomy!" said one newly legless passenger riding aboard an inaugural legless flight. "I'm glad I left my legs behind." Frontier CEO Ben Frontier expects the majority of passengers to travel without legs and, as such, has ordered all airplanes to jam all the seats together to accommodate more passengers. Those who do pay the extra fee to keep their legs will be required to sit "criss-cross applesauce" since there is nowhere else to put their legs. This is a preferred compromise to Frontier's original vision of stacking passengers up to the ceiling like pancakes and removing seats altogether. Doctors are reportedly advising their patients to avoid Frontier Airlines unless they are already missing legs. At publishing time, passengers were outraged to learn about the extra fee to check their legs at the ticket counter. Airline Says It Will Cost Extra If You Want To Bring Your Legs Onboard Babylon Bee. Received from Kirk Miller. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner Imagine a cereal so bad that 2 scoops of raisins made it better. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Spiritual Gifts During the French Revolution, there were three Christians who were sentenced to die by the guillotine. One Christian had the gift of faith, the other had the gift of prophecy, the other had the gift of helps. The Christian with the gift of faith was to be executed first. He was asked if he wanted to wear a hood over his head. He declined and said he was not afraid to die. "I have faith that God will deliver me!" he shouted bravely. His head was positioned under the guillotine, with his neck on the chopping block. He looked up at the sharp blade, said a short prayer and waited confidently. The rope was pulled, but nothing happened. His executioners were amazed and, believing that this must have been an act of God, they freed the man. The Christian with the gift of prophecy was next. His head was positioned under the guillotine blade and he too was asked if he wanted the hood. "No," he said, "I am not afraid to die. However, I predict that God will deliver me from this guillotine!" At that, the rope was pulled and again, nothing happened. Once, again the puzzled executioners assumed this must be a miracle of God, and they freed the man. The third Christian, w

Daily Clean Jokes for January 24, 2025 Kirk's Limerick There's a promising actress named Char With a habit that isn't bizarre. Every morn likes to see Sun come up. Folks say she Has a future as a rising star. Carol, Conrad, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in. How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red. Coming up with a synonym for easy is simple. The golfer didn't have time to warm up, so he hit his first tee shot off course. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dental Terminology (Dentist) This is going to pinch a little. (Patient) I love the way you guys substitute words like 'pinch' for 'pain'. (Dentist) You're right. Hang on to your chair, this is going to hurt like hell. ----- Bed Ridden Grandma I asked my grandma what health problems ran in our family, for a school project. She said she couldn't really think of any. "So you've been pretty healthy all your life?" I asked. "Yep." she replied contentedly. "So you've never been bed ridden?" I went on. "Lord yes, hundreds of times, and once in a buggy!" ----- Thought Of The Day: Worrying Is Like Praying "Worrying is like praying for something that you don't want to happen." -- Robert Downey Jr. ----- What's the Fly Doing? Customer: "Waiter, waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?" The waiter leans forward to get a better look. Waiter: “Looks like the backstroke, sir.” ----- New Conductor The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "All right! Who did that? Who did that?" ----- Thought Of The Day: The Saddest Aspect “The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” -- Isaac Asimov ----- Doing Nothing Wife: Whatcha doing? Me: Nothing. Wife: You did that yesterday. Me: I wasn't finished. ----- Limits on Giving "You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow," said an office worker to another. "That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars would you give me half?" "Sure." "And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?" "Sure." "And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?" "No." "No? Why?" "Because I have two shirts." ----- Thought Of The Day: Afraid of Losing “A champion is afraid of losing. Everyone else is afraid of winning. ” -- Billie Jean King Received from aJokeADay. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Talk About PopularAt the wedding reception someone yelled ... "Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. ----- This Is Puzzling A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while of trying she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. Her boyfriend says, "Honey, what's wrong?" The blonde says, "I'm trying to put this puzzle together but I can't do it." Her boyfriend says, "Well, look at the picture in the front and tell me what it looks like." The blonde says, "Okay... well the background is blue and there is a tiger on it." Her boyfriend says, "Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box." Q and A Quickies Q: Why did Humpty Dump

Daily Clean Jokes for January 23, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Electrician does start to perspire 'Cause the time is about to expire On a licensing test. Will he pass? S'pose you guessed Looks like it will come down to the wire. ----- The man's love for his wife's gigantic. What to do on a date? He's frantic. A small boat he will rent With a single intent: Thinks the date ought to be row-mantic. Jim, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Puns Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Venison for dinner? Oh deer! Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties. Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder. Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Pie Funny Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house." >>>Today's Thot This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder. Received from Mikey's Funny ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It's weird being the same age as old people. Just once I want a user name and password prompt to respond, "CLOSE ENOUGH." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Heeere's Johnny [Carson]! If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts. Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak. Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours." Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous? - From AZquotes.com Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. ----- Quote of the Day: "Even the greatest was once a beginner. Don’t be afraid to take that first step." - Muhammad Ali ----- Old Testament BBQ Q: What Assyrian king had descendants who actually came to the United States and were able to establish a successful chain of barbecue restaurants? A: Sennacherib ----- Rough Boys A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a

Daily Clean Jokes for January 22, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Electrician does start to perspire 'Cause the time is about to expire On a licensing test. Will he pass? S'pose you guessed Looks like it will come down to the wire. ----- The man's love for his wife's gigantic. What to do on a date? He's frantic. A small boat he will rent With a single intent: Thinks the date ought to be row-mantic. Jim, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Puns Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Venison for dinner? Oh deer! Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties. Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder. Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Pie Funny Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house." >>>Today's Thot This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder. Received from Mikey's Funny ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It's weird being the same age as old people. Just once I want a user name and password prompt to respond, "CLOSE ENOUGH." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Heeere's Johnny [Carson]! If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts. Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak. Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours." Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous? - From AZquotes.com Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. ----- Quote of the Day: "Even the greatest was once a beginner. Don’t be afraid to take that first step." - Muhammad Ali ----- Old Testament BBQ Q: What Assyrian king had descendants who actually came to the United States and were able to establish a successful chain of barbecue restaurants? A: Sennacherib ----- Rough Boys A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a

Daily Clean Jokes for January 21, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Retired clock maker isn't a flake. Shows his grandkids first clock he did make. When the children ask why, The old geezer does sigh And explains it was for old time's sake. ----- Retired clock maker isn't a flake. Shows his grandkids first clock he did make. When the children ask why, The old geezer does sigh And explains it was for old time's sake. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A backwards poet writes inverse. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. The zeros' attempt to arrange themselves into a positive number was all for nothing. The restaurant's food was getting worse and worse. Customers were fed up with it all. Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!" ----- How Does He Do It? https://www.wimp.com/super-smooth-three-card-monte/ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A LETTER FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY By Patty Baribeau As a busy homeschooling mother of 10, I often forget to play tooth fairy at the appropriate times. On such occasions, the attached letter mysteriously appears to explain the Tooth Fairy's delay. The letter usually turns a frown into a gap-toothed grin and the child is encouraged to try again another night. Dear _________________: Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of children's lost teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason[s] indicated below: [ ] it was not a human tooth [ ] we do not consider pieces of chicken bone amusing [ ] the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash [ ] the tooth did not originally belong to you [ ] the tooth was too fragile to move due to excessive cavities [ ] the tooth fairy does not process fingernails [ ] you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy [ ] you were age 18 or older at the time your request was received [ ] OSHA rules prohibit fairies from entering bedrooms labeled "hazardous waste disposal area" [ ] the tooth was guarded by a vicious, fairy-eating dog Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, Lt. Flossie Fairy President Tooth Fairy Union #32 -------------------------- Copyright 2009 Patty Baribeau (patty@...). Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. >>>Today's Thot What kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Doctor's Office I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here. Received from Daily Groaner via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Unanswered Questions t’s 2025, I’m old and I still have so many unanswered questions!! I haven’t found out ... - Can you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic? - If you died with braces on would they take them off? - If someone who has their nose pierced has a cold, and they take their nose ring out, does snot come out of the piercing hole? - If you speak only one language, are you lingual? - If a vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good or bad? - Do you wake up or open your eyes firs

Cats & Dogs

Daily Clean Jokes for January 20, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Go from Leeds o'er to Nice in the skies Is eight hundred ten miles. I surmise That's how far you will fly In a jet. People sigh When I say, "that is as the crew flies." Bill got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself. Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Old cashiers never die, they just check out. They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints. Kirk Miller _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Dress Funny Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!" >>>Today's Thot The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already... Received from Mikey's Funnies. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why It's Called A Diet Why is a diet called a "diet"? Because all the other 4-letter words were taken. ----- Nobody Tells Me What To Do I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said: "Turn left here." ----- Thought Of The Day: If That Sounds Like Hypocrisy “If that sounds like hypocrisy to you, well, we like to call it politics.” -- Brandon Sanderson, Tress of the Emerald Sea ----- Impersonating A Politician I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician... I was just sitting there doing nothing. ----- He's Got Some Bad Habits I know a guy who works as a custodian and gardener at a nearby apartment building, and sometimes I earn a couple extra bucks by lending him a hand when he's got a particularly big workload. He's got some bad habits, though. He asked me if he wanted to share a joint while we were on a break. I declined. I didn't want to deal with a high maintenance guy. ----- Thought Of The Day: My Toxic Trait “My toxic trait is I love watching Christmas movies in July.” -- Niedria D. Kenny Received from aJokeADay. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pot Talking to the Kettle Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you !" ... ----- VanAllen The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt. ----- Shirt Phone A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one e

Daily Clean Jokes for January 19, 2025 A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop." >>>Today's Thot If you're only as old as you feel, how am I still alive at 150? Received from Mikey's Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Raise An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well" began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing the three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!" Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Understanding Noah's Boat The more I get to know people... The more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat. ----- Name Please Doctor Jokes Submitted by Raj Padmanathan A frantic woman takes her kid to the doctor. "Doctor, doctor," she says. "My son swallowed a pen!" The doctor says, “Calm down madam. I’ll take care of it. But let me get some information first." He takes a clipboard with a form and asks her, “Name?” The woman replies, “Parker” After a movement of thought the doctor says, “The name of the BOY, Madam, not the pen brand.” ----- Thought Of The Day: Broken With Style “If she was going to be broken, she would rather be broken with some style.” ― Sara Shepard, Nowhere Like Home __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ From the Platte Enterprise Any More Thoughts? Minute and minute shouldn't be spelled the same. I'm not content with this content. I object to the object. Excuse me, but there's no excuse for this. Someon e should wind this up and throw it in the wind. ----- Daily Affirmations Daily Affirmation: I am worthy of receiving good things and of accomplishing my goals. Daily Affirmation: Procrastination makes easy things hard and hard things harder. ----- A holiday is a day off usually followed by an off day. -- The Platte Philosopher __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Jumping Up and Down A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman, "Whats the matter?" She replies " I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it". ----- Did I Read That Sign Right? In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE W

Daily Clean Jokes for January 18, 2024 Today's One-Liner When you think about it, it's the worst possible place for her to sell seashells. Quote of the Day Sometimes bad things happen to make the good things even sweeter. -- Unknown The best friend is he that, when he wishes a person's good, wishes it for that person's own sake. -- Aristotle ----- Last Words Heard Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!" ----- Substitute Conductor Dustin Hoffman was attending a theater performance of "Messiah." When the conductor fell ill, the organizers, recognizing Hoffman's talent, asked if he could step in. With a confident smile, he replied, "I think I can Handel that." - El Perro Ralf ----- My Cup Has Overflowed I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now; But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow. And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed; I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough; But I've got loving ones all around me, and that makes me rich enough. blessbless I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He's bestowed; I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. I remember times when things went wrong, My faith wore somewhat thin; But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again. So Lord, help me not to gripe about the tough rows I have hoed; I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. If God gives me strength and courage When the way grows steep and rough, I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough. And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads; Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. - John Paul Moore Received from Pastor Tim. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Blame It On the Media Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die. Shows how toxic the media is. Just Put It In Park Misc Jokes Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center, I rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?" Thought Of The Day: Stupidity Is the Answer “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” -- Will Rogers ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Clean Laughs "Researchers have published a letter from a Harvard student in 1743 asking his parents for money. On the bright side, just this year his student loans were finally paid off." -- Conan O'Brien "Indonesia's anti-drug chief is proposing that the country put narcotics offenders in a jail on an island surrounded by crocodiles. The plan is to send the inmates food supplies every day but they will have to survive on their own. This already sounds like a reality TV show I would totally watch." -- James Corden

Daily Clean Jokes for January 17, 2025 Cheap Cell Phones As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over... Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone. ----- Is It A Girl or Boy After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes." "Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears." ----- Thought Of The Day: A Good Friend “A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says 'wasn't that fun?'” -- Groucho Marx ----- A Break In Two Places I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ----- Fighting Little Willie Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly: "Oh Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!" Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust. "Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?" ----- Thought Of The Day: The Unfairness of Existence “Teenagers, they never appreciate ----- My Car GPS Works I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell.", Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house. ----- Unspeakable A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!" The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered., The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled., "Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'." ----- Thought Of The Day: Paying Alimony“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.” -- Groucho Marxthe fundamental unfairness of existence.” ― Sebastien de Castell, The Malevolent Seven __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Good Morning Groanies, I didn't get much sleep last night so here's some of my thinkings... Whoever said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" has never been to a luau! If you're talking on a cell phone, can you still claim that you have someone on the line? If farts are technically "Butt Burps" does that make burps "Mouth Farts"? I think I'm going to go and body-slam my mattress. Groaningly yours, Steve A Man Goes Into A Pet Store ... A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?" The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!" -----What's Wrong With Me? A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right." -----Q and A Quickies Q: Why did the tadpole feel lonely? A: Because he was newt to the area! Q: What do Scottish toads play? A: Hop-scotch! ----- Here's a great joke that I was sent the other day. I hope you enjoy: Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 200 bones in the human body? Patient: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room! I hope that made you laugh or giggle or possibly snicker. And now enjoy the rest of today's edition of Mouthpiece. -----q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y "Laughter is the

Daily Clean Jokes for January 16, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Building has a new doorman who touts Just how quickly he'll learn people's routes. He is soon in the know 'Bout how folks come and go. He's well versed on the job's ins and outs. Conrad, Carol, Dickhead, Bill, Chris, Grover, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes. Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot. What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away. What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise ----- A Small Detour https://heroicstories.org/a-small-detour/ ----- President Jimmy Carter on David Letterman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_3ZWT0zNz4 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Low Bridge, High Comedy: Truck Driver's Hilarious Excuse A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign came up that read "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Received from Pearly Gates. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Yelling "What" Do you enjoy yelling "What?" from the other room? Then marriage might be for you. ----- She's Fallen Three Times There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." ----- Thought Of The Day: A Nice Family Restaurant The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” -— George Carlin Received from aJokeADay. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "A new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds if you have to ask - it ain't you." -- Jimmy Fallon *** "A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch 'Real Housewives.'" -- Conan O'Brien *** "I've been trying to say 'I love you' more often, starting this morning. I said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers was making her uncomfortable." -- Stephen Colbert *** Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument. "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one. "There

Daily Clean Jokes for January 15, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Kangaroo's playing soccer, heart pounds. Ball's kicked over the fence of the grounds. Fetch the ball? He will pass 'Cause he's run out of gas. Like the ball, kangaroo's out of bounds. Lee, Conrad, Jim, Bill, Dickhead, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. Received from Kirk Miller. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Problem Funny The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam. The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final." >>>Today's Thot My friend was explaining electricity and I was like “Watt??” ----- A Dog Funny A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said, "and you can have him for five dollars." The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies." >>>Today's Thot The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic. Received from Mikey's Funnies __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Wrong Finger At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "It makes sense, don't you think? After all I married the wrong man." ----- A Dog's Life A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food, and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture." ----- Thought Of The Day: Every 11 Minutes “Why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? ― Squidward Tentacles ----- Sometimes... Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears . Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain. Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile. But fart just one time... ----- What's the Difference? As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school. He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." I asked, "What's the difference?" He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education." ----- Thought Of The Day: The Beginning of Wisdom “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” -- Aristotle_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for January 13, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Web designer was really quite smart, Had the barber involved and take part In designing his site. Thought that it would be right To use pictures he got from clip art. Jim, Conrad, Bill, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A backwards poet writes inverse. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. The zeros' attempt to arrange themselves into a positive number was all for nothing. The restaurant's food was getting worse and worse. Customers were fed up with it all. Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!" ~~ A Job Funny Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job." Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible." ----- I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ~~ Princess In A High Tower (pun) Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!" "Not in that thing," the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've mentioned, was very disgusting. After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!" Received from Daily Groaner. -----Sister's Grapes Catching her in the act, the grandmother confronted her 3-year-old granddaughter. "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" "No," the 3-year-old innocently replied, "I'm helping her share." Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth. Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Book Power Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?" Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them." ----- Praying for the Coach My Dad, who is a pastor, was reading the newspaper the other day and it had an article on our University’s football team who had 3 wins in the last 3 seasons. Then he says, "Hey Son, did I tell you that I ran into head coach two months ago down at the Supermarket?" "What did you tell him?" I replied. "Well, I asked if I could pray for him and he said sure." I couldn't help but ask, "Did you pray that he would quit or that he would be fired?" ----- Thought Of The Day: Even A Blind Pig “Even a blind pig can find an acorn at times! I actually don't know what that saying means, but I saw it on Reddit.” -- JJ Maybank ----- Phone Issues I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..." Why do they have to announce that? I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone? ----- Bargain Shopping The shop was offering jackets containing 50% wool, 50% polyester. and 50% cotton. I asked the assistant, "How is that possible?" She replied, "Sir, this is a jacket and a half!" ----- Thought Of The Day: Life's Biggest Tragedy "Life's biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late." -- Benjamin Franklin Received from aJokeaDay. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Will He Jump? Homer, a handsome dude who liked to gamble, w

Daily Clean Jokes for January 12, 2025 Kirk's Puns How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis. Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down. On the surface of things whales are always blowing it. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam" ----- Kirk's Limericks Hard boiled eggs are what I like to eat For my breakfast; they're really a treat. Other foods are real good, But I think that you should Understand that my eggs can't be beat. ----- An attorney has really been scarred; Was thrown out of saloon by a guard. He will suffer much strife For the rest of his life 'Cause his friends know that he was disbarred. Lee, Dick, Conrad, Jim, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- The Bee Explains: The H-1B Visa Controversy BabylonBee.com The American conservative movement, usually known for being well-organized and having zero infighting, has somehow descended into civil war over something called H-1B visas. Here is what you need to know about the controversy ripping everyone apart: What is an H-1B visa? Not to be confused with H1N1 swine flu, an H-1B visa allows people from India to come to America to build rockets and compete in spelling bees. Can people who are not from India receive a visa? The H-1B visa is not exclusive to residents of India. Central and South American residents are also eligible, as long as they can show proof that they are Indian. How does an immigrant receive an H-1B visa? The U.S. embassy in New Delhi hosts spelling bees and math competitions throughout the year. The spelling bee winner and the champion "mathlete" each receive an H-1B visa. Why does Elon Musk want more H-1B visas to be awarded? Musk needs more highly skilled engineers to build rockets, and he wants to make sure the people he hires won't steal his steak. Why are people opposed to having more H-1B visas? Americans are concerned that it's already hard enough for a white kid to win a spelling bee without importing a bunch more Indians. Additionally, there is concern that people from India are pretty smart and may take away some good jobs from Americans. What sort of jobs could Americans lose out on? The H-1B Visa is narrowly tailored to bring in only the top 0.01 percent of India's engineers, doctors, and minimart clerks. Can't Americans just beat out the Indians here on an H-1B visa to get the job? Have you tried beating an Indian kid at a spelling bee? Should I be worried about losing my job? No, they will need you for at least 6 months to help train Krishna. Received from Kirk Miller. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start now to change the ending. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Nosey Neighbors I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer... I saw it clearly through my binoculars! --- Driving Test I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?" "Yes," I replied. "Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light? --- Thought Of The Day: Don't Be So Humble “Don’t be so humble, you are not that great.” -- Golda Meir ----- Tattoo Your Nam

Daily Clean Jokes for January 11, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Auctioneers are all calling the shots During bidding, and here are my thoughts About what they must do To be good. I think you Are aware auctioneers must know lots. Jim got it. Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Puns What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked. When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Escaped Ape One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape. At last, the ape was found in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible: the other was a book written by Darwin. The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." Received from MeMail dot com via GCFL.. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Broken Arm A guy goes to the doctor. Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places." Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!" ----- Dinner Tonight Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!" A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!" ----- Thought Of The Day: Always Forgive Your Enemies “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” -- Oscar Wilde ----- I’ll Forget Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500. Al: Yes. Bob: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll forget half of the money. Al: That’s perfect, I’ll forget the other half. ----- Johnny Knows Basic Arithmetic The arithmetic teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?" After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left." The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. Let me repeat the joke. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left? Johnny replied again, "Two left." Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away." Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!!!" ----- Thought Of The Day: Never Go To Bed Mad “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” -- Phyllis Diller _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Rental Car Tips The "Under 100-Mile" Fuel Charge (Avis & Budget) This one took me a while to figure out. For some reason, when you drive under 100 miles with Avis or Budget, they often add a "fuel charge," even if you've filled the tank before returning the car. I've been charged for this dozens of times. The first few times, I had no idea why I was being charged. When I finally asked, they explained that even if you refuel, you'll still get hit with this fee if you drove fewer than 100