Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for January 21, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for January 21, 2025 Kirk's Limericks Retired clock maker isn't a flake. Shows his grandkids first clock he did make. ????????????When the children ask why, ????????????The old geezer does sigh And explains it was?for?old?time's?sake. ----- Retired clock maker isn't a flake. Shows his grandkids first clock he did make. ????????????When the children ask why, ????????????The old geezer does sigh And explains it was?for?old?time's?sake. Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns A backwards poet writes inverse. ? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ? Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. ? He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. ? The zeros' attempt to arrange themselves into a positive number was all for nothing. ? The restaurant's food was getting worse and worse.??Customers were fed up with it all. ? Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!" ----- How Does He Do It? A LETTER FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY By Patty Baribeau As a busy homeschooling mother of 10, I often forget to play tooth fairy at the appropriate times. On such occasions, the attached letter mysteriously appears to explain the Tooth Fairy's delay. The? letter usually turns a frown into a gap-toothed grin and the child is encouraged to try again another night. Dear _________________: Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of children's lost teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason[s] indicated below: [ ] it was not a human tooth [ ] we do not consider pieces of chicken bone amusing [ ] the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash [ ] the tooth did not originally belong to you [ ] the tooth was too fragile to move due to excessive cavities [ ] the tooth fairy does not process fingernails [ ] you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy [ ] you were age 18 or older at the time your request was received [ ] OSHA rules prohibit fairies from entering bedrooms labeled "hazardous waste disposal area" [ ] the tooth was guarded by a vicious, fairy-eating dog Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, Lt. Flossie Fairy President Tooth Fairy Union #32 -------------------------- Copyright 2009 Patty Baribeau (patty@...). Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. >>>Today's Thot What kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth. Received from Mikey's Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Doctor's Office I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Unanswered Questions t¡¯s 2025, I¡¯m old and I still have so many unanswered questions!! I haven¡¯t found out ... - Can you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic? - If you died with braces on would they take them off? - If someone who has their nose pierced has a cold, and they take their nose ring out, does snot come out of the piercing hole? - If you speak only one language, are you lingual? - If a vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good or bad? - Do you wake up or open your eyes first? - Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them? - Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? - If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it? - In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end? Received with thanks from Anna Welander ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ JOKE OF THE DAY: A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Dad, I'm deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Do you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said. "But you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fianc¨¦e will be put off by them." "No problem," said his father. "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom. "Mom," she said. "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fianc¨¦ will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother advised, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride, and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" The husband replies, "Oh, no!? You've swallowed my sock!" , the News Post______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'." ----- 100 buckets of bits on the bus ----- Power of Verse An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven...) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.? As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!" ----- Expensive Operation A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"? "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?" ----- On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." ----- Broken On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.? "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!" ----- Acts A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture. The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.? The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked. "Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's! ----- The Buffalo Theory A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.? In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com------ Dick Van Dyke and Tim Conway have a series of unfortunate events happen during their dance routine. Sketch from season 11, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. When rock band Blue Oyster Cult records "(Don't Fear) the Reaper" producer Bruce Dickinson (Christopher Walken) insists Gene Frenkle (Will Ferrell) play more cowbell. With Chris Kattan, Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon. [Season 25, 2000] ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. Head and neck cancers affect around 55,000 folks in the U.S. every year, but many cases are avoidable if you get the HPV vaccine, don't smoke and limit alcohol intake. And now, new research shows an even simpler way to dodge 'em: Drink coffee. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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| - January 15, 2025?- DEAR ABBY: I have anger issues that were passed down among the men in my family. My mother is a strong woman and wouldn't let my father get away with too much, but still, the impact is there. As a young adult, I realize I am exhibiting some of the same behavior as my dad. I've never raised a hand to anyone. I can hang onto my cool when arguing with my girlfriend. I usually ask her calmly to lower her voice and change her tone. When she gets animated, I feel bottled up. I would never forgive myself if I did something I regret. I want to raise children and be a devoted father and husband. I envision myself as a strong, dependable person within my family and friend circle. Please give me some tips on keeping angry outbursts in check. Thank you. -- JOSEPH IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR JOSEPH: You are an intelligent and insightful young man, and for that I congratulate you. You didn't mention what causes the arguments with your girlfriend. Recognizing the cause of the flare-ups can prevent them from erupting. Saying, "We both feel strongly about this. Can we discuss it another time?" and going for a walk can help regain a calmer perspective. Your father's outbursts are another matter. He could be someone who takes out his frustrations on innocent people around him. While anger is something everyone experiences at one time or another, most people learn to control it during childhood. Clearly your father didn't. The excuse that it "runs in the family" is unacceptable. Threats of violence are intimidating. Acting on them is against the law. My booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" contains suggestions for managing and constructively channeling anger in various situations. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mt. Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. We are living in a time when the level of anger in our society has reached new heights. As we have seen all too often in the media, explosive anger is the most dangerous of all. I have mentioned before that perhaps dispute resolution and anger management should be taught in schools to help people more effectively communicate in a healthy manner. DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for 10 years. She is the first and only woman I have ever been with. I continue finding myself looking at porn, talking online to other women and asking them for pictures. I don't know why I do this, and I don't want to continue down this road. What would be a first step to take to show my wife I'm serious about kicking this big problem to the curb? -- SEES A PROBLEM IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR 'SEES': A strong step in the right direction would be to tell your wife you recognize your online activities have gotten out of control and start talking about them with a licensed psychotherapist. There are also 12-step groups you can find online to help you kick the habit. I congratulate you for having taken the first step by writing to me. |