The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole?
????Hot cross bunnies
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Seven days without a pun makes one weak
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What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
????One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
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Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
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Hero Stories ... More Than She Bargained For
In August 2001, I bid on and won an online auction for a back-to-school outfit for my 12-year-old niece. The clothes were a pair of like-new girls¡¯ embroidered jeans and a matching top. Due to hard times in?her family, my niece didn¡¯t have a lot of nice things. Also, she wore a?hard-to-find size, so well-fitting clothes were usually beyond what her?parents could afford.
I was tickled to find a trendy, fashionable outfit ¡ª the kind all?girls her age like ¡ª for a bargain! The total, including shipping, was?under $15. I paid promptly, exchanged friendly e-mails with the seller?telling her a little about my niece, and waited for the package to?arrive.
Two days later, an e-mail arrived. The seller, ¡°Kris¡±, said she had?inadvertently mailed my package to the wrong address! I asked her to see?if they¡¯d send the clothes back ¡ª after all, they had to know they?hadn¡¯t won that outfit.
Kris replied that the mom said her little girl just loved that outfit, and Kris just couldn¡¯t disappoint her by making her mom return it. I was disappointed, but I figured I¡¯d get a refund and that would be that.
The same day Kris e-mailed she felt terrible for what had happened and didn¡¯t want my niece to be disappointed. To make it up, she asked me to go to an online store where I could purchase the same or a similar outfit, new, at her expense.
When I saw the prices at the online store, I knew I wouldn¡¯t take her?up on her offer. The top alone cost more than I¡¯d paid. The jeans were?twice that. While I certainly appreciated the gesture, I wasn¡¯t about to?ask Kris to pay more than three times my bid because of an honest?mistake.
Before I could respond, yet another e-mail arrived.
This time Kris was apologetic, saying she shouldn¡¯t have put me in?the uncomfortable position of getting new clothes to correct her?mistake. She had already purchased the outfit and sent it to my address.
When the package arrived there was yet another surprise: Kris had ordered my niece a bracelet for her new outfit! I couldn¡¯t believe it. This person I¡¯d never met had spent almost $60 on my niece so she¡¯d have some nice school clothes.
I subsequently found out that Kris spends her time and money on less fortunate kids in the apartment complex she manages. Kris sells her daughters¡¯ clothes as they outgrow them and uses the proceeds to do things for other kids. She took her daughter and another girl to an N¡¯Sync concert. The little girl had a difficult home life and Kris wanted her to get out, be a kid, and have fun.
I¡¯m sure Kris¡¯ kindness has given many little girls who needed it a?boost. I feel so lucky to have met such an incredibly generous person.
by Lori Schwingshakl
Wisconsin, USA
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True News
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The Horror ... The Horror:?Ten people were injured at a New Year¡¯s Eve event at The Game, a restaurant/arcade in Peabody, Mass. The incident was caused when a giant LEGO sculpture collapsed and fell on the crowd below. The four adults and six children received minor cuts and scrapes, and ¡°Everyone is OK,¡± said Peabody Fire Dept. Chief John Dowling. (RC/NBC)?...Right. The screams of pain were not from victims, but rather first responders stepping on loose pieces.
Bad News, Good News:?Neil Willenson, 53, founded One Heartland over 30 years ago. The organization¡¯s 80-acre site in Willow River, Minn., called the Pine County Camp, provides a safe environment for kids living with or affected by HIV/AIDS. ¡°We wanted to create a safe haven where children affected by the disease, perhaps for the first time in their young lives, could speak openly about it and be in an environment of unconditional love and acceptance,¡± Willenson said. But now the camp is closing. According to the World Health Organization, new HIV infections among children up to age 14 have declined 38 percent since 2015, and AIDS-related deaths have fallen 43 percent. That there¡¯s no longer a need for this camp ¡°is the greatest story that I ever could have imagined,¡± Willenson said. ¡°It¡¯s something I never could have predicted.¡± The organization hopes to sell to another group that will help kids. (MS/Minnesota Star Tribune)?...It could be one his campers can send their kids to.
International Travel:?At the Piney-Pinecreek Border Airport, you could cross from the United States to Canada before you even reached the end of the runway. The airport, owned by the Minnesota Department of Transportation and run with the Rural Municipality of Piney, Man., Canada, originally had a grass runway that didn¡¯t quite enter Canada. In 1978, Piney-Pinecreek became the only airport with a paved runway spanning the border. The pavement deteriorated over the years, and it was estimated that bringing the airport into compliance with safety standards would cost $3.8 million. According to a Canadian official, the local government couldn¡¯t come up with its share of that bill, and Piney terminated the joint operations agreement. With only around 200 airplanes using the airport per year, ¡°the evidence was all there that now was the time¡± to close the airport, a MnDOT spokesman said. (AC/MPR)?...Sometimes the airport leaves you.
Mormon Tale:?The general image of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ¡ª at least, the men ¡ª is cleancut and clean-shaven. But lately, certain men with long hair and beards are in high demand in the Salt Lake City, Utah, region. ¡°Has anyone ever told you that you have a Jesus look to you?¡± one such man recalls being asked: Bob Sagers was at a music festival, and was being scouted as a model. He was hired, and used again and again in the role. It pays $100-200 an hour, and Sagers isn¡¯t the only one. One big market: photos of children ¡°with Jesus¡± to display in family homes, and it helps to have local landmarks in the background, such as the Great Salt Lake. Photographer MaKayla Avalos said she¡¯s done 50-60 such photo sessions ¡ª including a set with her own children. But she has a caution for parents: ¡°If your kid doesn¡¯t like taking pictures on Santa¡¯s lap, he probably won¡¯t like this experience with Jesus, either.¡± (RC/Wall Street Journal)?...Funny, but I was going to make the same comparison.
Senseless Crime
Rolls Royce Driver Arrested for DUI and Possession of a Monkey
KSBW Salinas (Calif.) headline
Received from Kirk Miller.
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A Will Funny
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you were wrong...
Hi Dan!"
>>>Today's Thot
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down. Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.
Received from Mikey's Funny.
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Dad: "Johnny, go to bed. You're dozing off on the couch..."
Little Johnny (opening his eyes): "No dad, I'm not dozing... I'm just blinking reaaaally sloooowly."
Mother: ¡°Why are you home from school so early?¡±
Son: ¡°I was the only one who could answer a question.¡±
Mother: ¡°Oh, really? What was the question?¡±
Son: ¡°Who threw the eraser at the principal.¡± |
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Thought Of The Day:??You've Done Too Little
¡°You often feel tired, not because you've done too much, but because you've done too little of what sparks a light in you.¡±?- Alexander Den Heijer
A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this."
"Then why do you?" asked the friend.
"It keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season. They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.
He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human like gorilla. After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stakes. He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls.
Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"
With this a lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"
Thought Of The Day:??Driving Your Creativity
¡°Rational thoughts never drive people¡¯s creativity the way emotions do.¡±?- Neil deGrasse Tyson
Received from aJokeADay
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Buddy HackettAs a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the [golf] cart.
I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.
There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.
- From AZquotes.com
Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL.
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The Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.?
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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5 Gifts Not to Buy a Woman
1. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
2. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (They actually test them you know.)
3. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "Where would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It's a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.?
4. Do not give her a gift certificate to a fitness center or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to, "Do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
5. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
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C D Player
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."?
"Exactly."
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The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Graham Norton talks about having to do his very first live show on the BBC right after the pope died, how the red chair flip became a recurring show bit and his biggest issue with American talk shows.
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DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I are estranged. I live in a different state. My brother and I never got along and stopped speaking many years ago. My older sister and I, after a long, toxic relationship, finally had a blowout after Dad passed. We haven't spoken since. My younger sister took my older sister's side and doesn't speak to me either. I have communicated briefly via text and email with all my siblings regarding my parents' trust and final matters. My sisters still insist on texting me birthday wishes. Because of this, I feel obligated to send them a birthday text as well. I stress out weeks before their birthdays because of it. I felt peaceful after becoming estranged from my older sister. I have many feelings of resentment toward all my siblings for having taken advantage of my parents, especially this older sister. She lived with them rent-free for many years. She refused to get a job and wouldn't help out -- not even to clean their room when they were elderly. Doesn't estrangement include birthdays as well? Why do I feel this way? -- ESTRANGED 364 DAYS IN ARIZONA DEAR ESTRANGED: There is such a thing as righteous indignation. It appears this is what you may feel toward your siblings. Whatever closeness there may have ever been seems to have evaporated many years before your parents' deaths. Family estrangement is defined as the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members through physical or emotional distancing. This appears to accurately describe you and your siblings. If you prefer not to exchange birthday greetings, stop doing it. I suspect that once you quit responding and reciprocating, those greetings will cease.
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, one of my best friends took her life. I'd known her since we were in our freshman year. We dated for nearly a year while still in school before deciding to break up and remain as friends. She was much closer to me than that, though. She was like a sister. I loved her so much. Each year on the anniversary of her death, I go somewhere new, someplace she would have wanted to see had she lived. I know nothing I could have done would have stopped her. I understand that. But Abby, how do I stop feeling like I could have done more? I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I just want to remember her. I just want to love her. -- HER 'SISTER' IN MICHIGAN DEAR 'SISTER': Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your dear friend. The feelings you are having after her death -- regardless of the circumstances -- are normal. Did we do enough? Could we have done more? Is it all right to go on with our life? The term for this is survivor guilt. A way to better cope with these feelings about her loss might be to join a grief support group or talk them through with a licensed therapist. |
