Kangaroo's playing soccer, heart pounds.
Ball's kicked over the fence of the grounds.
????????????Fetch the ball???He will pass
????????????'Cause he's run out of gas.
Like the ball, kangaroo's?out?of?bounds.
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Lee, Conrad, Jim, Bill, Dickhead, Chris got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
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A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
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What's the motto of the ghoul's convention?
????The morgue the merrier
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A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
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A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
Received from Kirk Miller.
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A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said, "and you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
>>>Today's Thot
The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.
Received from Mikey's Funnies
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "It makes sense, don't you think? After all I married the wrong man."
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A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food, and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
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Thought Of The Day:??Every 11 Minutes
¡°Why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? ¨D Squidward Tentacles
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Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
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As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.
He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
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Thought Of The Day:??The Beginning of Wisdom
¡°Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.¡± -- Aristotle
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Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
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College Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."?
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
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Lost Gas Cap
David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.?
"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.
"And this one's even better because it locks."
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Physics
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"?
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.
"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."
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-- Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
-- Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
-- Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
-- Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
-- Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
-- Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
-- Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
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Eggplants
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"?
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
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On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.
"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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A Super FanA sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.
The man said "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away.
Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant.
The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Dictionary of Project TermsProject slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties -- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.
Major Technological Breakthrough -- Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research -- It was discovered by accident.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured -- We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period -- We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
Test results were extremely gratifying -- It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem -- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive -- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned -- The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties -- We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Received from GCFL.
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From Ed Sheeran¡¯s haunted cottage, where guests have seen a ghostly little girl, to Danny Dyer¡¯s eerie 3 AM encounter with a mysterious monk, these are some of the scariest stories ever told on the Jonathan Ross couch.
Google Translate Sings: "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran
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DEAR ABBY: My friend of 30 years passed away two years ago. Her husband, with whom I had a cordial relationship, has been calling me and other friends of his wife nonstop. He usually calls with irrelevant nonsense. One time, I decided not to answer any of his many calls per day. When I finally felt guilty and answered, he was furious. He demanded to know where I was so that I was not able to answer the phone. I fabricated a story that I was out of state visiting family. Sometimes, I lie and say dinner is ready, someone is at my door or I'm just about to leave the house. My initial reaction to his calls was that I am lucky I'm not so needy and lonely. I manage to cut the conversation to three to five minutes, and I'm never rude. This man is 80, lives by himself and has an adult child near his home. It is my unprofessional opinion that because of his many health issues and inability to drive and really care for himself, perhaps he should be in assisted living. His constant calls are more than I can handle. Should I call his adult child or just not answer most of his calls? I think he may also be calling his children, and they may be aware of his behavior, but I don't want to upset them more than they probably are. My friends and I have done our best to talk to him, but it has reached the point that these calls are invasive. -- OVERWHELMED IN NEW JERSEY DEAR OVERWHELMED: You would be doing everyone a favor -- yourself included -- if you made that call to inform this poor man's grown children what has been going on. Loneliness and isolation after the death of a spouse can eventually cause serious health problems, particularly in the elderly. Assisted living may be the solution he needs, not only for physical care but also for socialization. I'm glad you wrote.
DEAR ABBY: Being the least favorite is hurtful, yet my mom makes sure to convey how much she hates me every chance she gets. Mind you, she would never say that in front of my dad or my sisters. She says it standing behind me, rubbing it in. My sisters get text messages from her telling them how much she misses them. Me? I get comments like "I wish you were never born." I have tried hard to please her, but nothing has worked. Sadly, my youngest sister is rude and hates me, too. Please advise. -- UNLOVED IN TENNESSEE DEAR UNLOVED: Unfortunately, we cannot pick our parents. Your mother's behavior is more than a little toxic, and now it has rubbed off on your little sister. This is why I am suggesting you see as little of your mother and younger sister as possible. If you must see them, spend as little time alone with either of them as possible. Start developing relationships with people who are caring and supportive. Many people form "chosen families" when they come from families that are as dysfunctional as yours. |
