Daily Clean Jokes for January 24, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??
Kirk's Limerick? ??
There's a promising actress named Char
With a habit that isn't bizarre.
????????????Every morn likes to see
????????????Sun come up.??Folks say she
Has a future as?a?rising?star.
?
Carol, Conrad, Jim got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
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How can sea captains use amphibians?
????As froghorns
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Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
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Coming up with a synonym for easy is simple.
?
The golfer didn't have time to warm up, so he hit his first tee shot off course.
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(Dentist) This is going to pinch a little.
(Patient) I love the way you guys substitute words like 'pinch' for 'pain'.
(Dentist) You're right. Hang on to your chair, this is going to hurt like hell.
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I asked my grandma what health problems ran in our family, for a school project.
She said she couldn't really think of any.
"So you've been pretty healthy all your life?" I asked.
"Yep." she replied contentedly.
"So you've never been bed ridden?" I went on.
"Lord yes, hundreds of times, and once in a buggy!"
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Thought Of The Day:??Worrying Is Like Praying
"Worrying is like praying for something that you don't want to happen."? -- Robert Downey Jr.
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Customer: "Waiter, waiter, what¡¯s this fly doing in my soup?"
The waiter leans forward to get a better look.
Waiter: ¡°Looks like the backstroke, sir.¡±
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The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal.
The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.
The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "All right! Who did that? Who did that?"
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Thought Of The Day:??The Saddest Aspect
¡°The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.¡± -- Isaac Asimov
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.
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"You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow," said an office worker to another.
"That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars would you give me half?"
"Sure."
"And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?"
"Sure."
"And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?"
"No."
"No? Why?"
"Because I have two shirts."
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Thought Of The Day:??Afraid of Losing
¡°A champion is afraid of losing. Everyone else is afraid of winning. ¡± -- Billie Jean King
Received from aJokeADay.
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Talk About Popular
At the wedding reception someone yelled ...
"Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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This Is Puzzling?
A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together.
After a while of trying she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend says, "Honey, what's wrong?"
The blonde says, "I'm trying to put this puzzle together but I can't do it."
Her boyfriend says, "Well, look at the picture in the front and tell me what it looks like."
The blonde says, "Okay... well the background is blue and there is a tiger on it."
Her boyfriend says, "Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Q and A Quickies?
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for a lousy summer.
Q: What is the most dangerous part of a car?
A: The nut that holds the steering wheel.
Received from Gopher Central'
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A Little Mixed Up
Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And more mixed up in the head.
For sometimes I can't remember,
When I stand at foot of stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I've just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away?...or
Have I come to take some out?
And there's times when it is dark out,
With my night cap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Or just getting out of bed.
So...if it's my turn to write you
There's no need of getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore!!?
So, remember..I do love you
And I wish that you were here,
But now it's nearly mail time,
So I must say good-bye my dear.
There I stood beside the mail box
With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead!!
My bifocals fit - my dentures are fine
My hearing aid works...but ..I do miss my mind!!!
-- Author Unknown
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Remember?to Be a Good Sport
During the course of a heated softball tournament, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship.
The coach asked the player if he knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was.
The player replied, "Yes."
The coach then asked him if he knew he shouldn't curse at the umpire or throw things in anger.?
The player again replied "Yes."
"Good," said the coach, "now could you please go tell your wife."
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Kiss Per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."?
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Comedian, George Carlin is guest on 'The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder' in 1997. George discusses his childhood growing up, his parents; being inspired by radio celebrities; his book "Brain Droppings"; present debates/politics (1997 and his drug & cocaine habit.
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- January 18, 2025?-
DEAR ABBY: I have started seeing someone I've known for years. On our first date, he told me he had tried multiple times to divorce his ex of many years. He said they live in different states, and each time he's tried, something has gone awry. I'm about to start nursing school, and what I want is a relationship of convenience to work around my schedule. We've talked about dating each other exclusively, but we agreed it won't lead to marriage because he's on his third and currently doesn't have the funds to hire a lawyer to get out of it. I'm seeing him as a friend with benefits to hang out with. Is this relationship OK? -- CHALLENGED IN UTAH DEAR CHALLENGED: You seem pretty clear about the casualness of this relationship. If it's OK with you, OK with him and OK with wife No. 3, then it's OK with me. OK?
DEAR ABBY: I live with a wonderful partner. We share the duties of building a beautiful life around us. However, our mutual friends seem to praise my partner, but not me. I wonder if this may be my fault. I always say good things about him, while I discover many negative issues raised about me. Once, when I confronted him about it, the response was: "Aren't you talking about me with other people?" I have never said a bad thing about him to anyone. Am I creating a circle of hate around myself? -- CIRCLED IN MINNESOTA DEAR CIRCLED: No, you are not. If your partner has a complaint about you, he should discuss it with you rather than the people with whom you socialize. The expression "circle of hate" seems extreme, but your "wonderful" partner painting you in a negative light hardly enhances your image, and it should be stopped. That won't happen until you finally draw the line and make clear that what he's been doing is unacceptable.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has a terrible habit. He loves to order dessert first and asks that it be served to him after the waitstaff takes everyone's order. Last night, we were at a birthday party with 15 adults in a restaurant and he did it again. They served a wonderful cake for dessert, which he enjoyed at the end of the meal, as well as his pie at the beginning when no one else was having anything but drinks. He says it wasn't rude, but I disagree. Please, what say you? -- BACKWARDS IN IOWA DEAR BACKWARDS: This may be less a question of whether your husband is rude for indulging his yen for sugar than is it healthy for him. How's his weight? His blood sugar levels? Any diabetes in the family? What does his doctor think about it? While ordering dessert before dinner and again afterward is unusual, I'm not sure it is rude. It may, however, be a bid for attention.
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