Daily Clean Jokes for January 29, 2025? ? ??
Kirk's Limerick
At the deli, two friends like to eat; Get together at noon, so they greet ????????????One another each day ????????????And are likely to say That they're having a nice?lunch-n-meet. ? Conrad, Chris got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
Deviants who socialize and enjoy each other are members of a mutual aberration society. ? I saw a new recipe book about cooking with herbs. It¡¯s about Thyme. ? I saw some relish on a motorbike. It was trying to ketchup with its friends. ? Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds? ????No whey! ? A Buddhist gentleman was in the habit of leaving a bit of food on an altar each morning before departing for work.??One morning he had left a freshly fried egg roll.??Before he left the house, he noticed that the tidbit had disappeared.??When he questioned his house boy about the matter, the house boy with guilt replied, "I know it's only wokkened roll, Buddha lack it."
------Gen Z: Here Are 15 Things You Can Do With Your Time Now That TikTok Is Banned
TikTok has been officially banned over concerns of improper data collection and the spread of propaganda from the Chinese-owned app. Now Gen Z is in a bit of a pickle. What else are they supposed to do with their time?
The Babylon Bee had come up with 15 things Gen Z-ers can do with their time in a world without TikTok:
Use your phone to actually call people:?Little do you know, but phones can also function as phones. When wanting to watch TV, turn on the TV:?The larger screen will shock and amaze you. Now spend all your spare time watching useless videos on YouTube or Instagram instead:?There are probably some pretty sweet reaction videos to the TikTok ban. Watch a feature-length movie:?It's like a thousand TikTok's mashed together. Catch up on all 35 seasons of?America's Funniest Home Videos:?It's the TikTok of your parents' generation. Instead of staring at your phone, stare directly at the sun:?If you do it long enough, you won't be able to see your phone ever again. Just think of how much more fulfilling your life will be. Touch grass:?It feels weird, but you'll eventually get used to it. Talk to another human being in person:?You can bond over how much you both miss TikTok. Instead of catfishing people, try catfishing catfish:?It's a simpler life. Learn a fictional fantasy language:?Like Klingon, Elvish, or Latin. Study Pythagoras, then develop your own theorem about triangles:?It's everyone's dream to have a mathematical theorem named after them. Try to beat a level 9 CPU in?Super Smash Bros.?while hanging off your couch upside down:?Fox only, no items, Final Destination. Watch the entire series of Disney's?Bonkers:?The main character, Bonkers D. Bobcat, had a catchphrase that was just him saying his name. "B-B-B-Bonkers!" What's better than that? Just email your data directly to the CCP:?Cut out the middleman. Move to China where it's not banned, and you'll have so much more freedom:?You may even be celebrated as a giant there. Received from Kirk Miller.
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A Coat Funny
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
The woman shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that!"
>>>Today's Thot
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Received from Mikey's Funnies
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How to Avoid Mixing Your Metaphors
It¡¯s not rocket surgery.
First, get all your ducks on the same page.
After all, you can¡¯t make an omelette
without breaking stride. Be sure to watch what you write
with a fine-tuned comb.
Check and re-check until the cows turn blue.
It¡¯s as easy as falling off a piece of cake. Don¡¯t worry about opening up
a whole hill of beans:
you can always burn that bridge when you come to it,
if you follow where I¡¯m coming from. Concentrate! Keep your door closed
and your enemies closer.
Finally, don¡¯t take the moral high horse:
if the metaphor fits, walk a mile in it. ~ Brian Bilston ----- Today's One-Liner -?Two incomes are better than one so make sure your partner has two jobs. Follow me for more financial freedom advice! ----- Quote of the Day:?? Positions are temporary.
Ranks and titles are limited.
But the way you treat people will always be remembered. - Unknown ----- Engaging English Lessons for kids in Mexico English teacher in Mexico: ¡°Hi kids! Today we will learn a new word: wheelchair. Does anyone want to do a sentence with that word?¡± Gabriele: ¡°I ordered a taco but my friend Juan didn¡¯t have any money so I told him, don¡¯t worry, wheelchair.¡± ----- Time, Marriage, Friends, Gift Five years after my wife, Brigid, and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last." Brigid wasn't amused, but she thought the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later. Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker would last." ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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Saving Lives with Physics
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. ? A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor. The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.
Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television. -----
When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed.
My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, "Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead? "
The customer scrutinized him and said, "You're not married, are you?" ----- Thought Of The Day:??I Only Talk To Myself "¡°The reason I talk to myself is because I¡¯m the only one whose answers I accept.¡± -- George Carlin"
~~
At a Bar
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s. The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?" ----- Saving All the Seats
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
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- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming yours food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Pet Lovers Manifesto
- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Pet Lovers Manifesto
- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Pet Lovers Manifesto
- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Pet Lovers Manifesto
- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Pet Lovers Manifesto
- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Pet Lovers Manifesto
- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Pet Lovers Manifesto
- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony!!..
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 Short SightedComputers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
-- "Popular Mechanics," forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible.
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.
-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
So we went to Atari and said, "Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you." And they said, "No." So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, "Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed.
-- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.
-- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.? Almost 60% of folks with obesity contend with the relentless chatter of "food noise" that prods them to overeat and compromise their health, according to a Weight Watchers and STOP Obesity Alliance study titled "Beyond Hunger: Understanding Food Noise." Some folks even report that, at times, it's almost impossible to clear their mind and focus on other things -- like work or family.
Researchers aren't sure why this happens but suggest it's caused in part by eating ultra-processed ... ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
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Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY: I recently realized that my sister-in-law has been kissing my boyfriend on the mouth every time she greets him. We all live in the same town and get together for dinners and events often. I love my SIL and don't believe she would ever do anything to hurt me or my brother. Our families and my mom are all close. This all came to light after a recent dinner where my brother noticed this kiss (and a cheek rub) and questioned her. My boyfriend told me about it and doesn't think it's a big deal. He says it would be rude to present his cheek instead. I told him I'm not comfortable with this, and that it wouldn't be rude to implement a boundary. I'm trying not to make this into a major issue, but I'm angry at both my SIL and my boyfriend for not telling me about this sooner. I feel betrayed, and now I'm feeling suspicious. I have toyed with asking her to stop, but it seems kind of juvenile and insecure to mention it to her. Please give me your honest, unbiased take. -- TAKEN ABACK IN NEW JERSEY DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Because this bothers you so much that you would write to me about it, say something about it to your sister-in-law. Tell her it may be innocent, but the idea of anyone other than you kissing your boyfriend on the mouth makes you uncomfortable, which is why you are asking her to stop. Your feelings are your feelings, and you needn't apologize for them.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 12, and I am dating a boy from my class. I know what you're thinking, but no, we have not had sex or kissed, and he is not pressuring me to. My problem is something else -- TEXTING! He texts me every morning and chats all day. He often texts in the middle of an activity like going to the beach or flying a kite, and actually apologizes for going into the water and stopping the texting. I can't spend that much time in contact because I have other things in my life. While I really like him, I don't want to spend this much time texting ANYONE. Plus, our conversations are getting boring because neither of us has anything more to say. Abby, I feel guilty for not being able to keep up the conversations. He has an active social life, so it's not like he's depending on me for entertainment. He's a really nice guy. There's just this texting issue. What should I do? -- TOO MUCH CONTACT IN CALIFORNIA DEAR TOO MUCH: Be completely honest with the boy. Tell him you think he's a really nice guy and you like him, but that you have things you need to be doing other than constantly texting. (It's the truth.) Then give him some times when you would welcome his texts. This is called creating boundaries, and starting at your age, it's really good practice. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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