Daily Clean Jokes for January 11, 2025

#2388

Daily Clean Jokes for January 11, 2025

Kirk's Limericks

Auctioneers are all calling the shots

During bidding, and here are my thoughts

????????????About what they must do

????????????To be good. I think you

Are aware auctioneers?must?know?lots.

Jim got it.

Kirk Miller

Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Puns

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?

????Udder destruction

What is the difference between a miser and a canary?

????One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.

When does a boat show affection?

????When it hugs the shore

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Escaped Ape

One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape.

At last, the ape was found in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible: the other was a book written by Darwin.

The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing.

The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Received from MeMail dot com via GCFL..

A guy goes to the doctor.

Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places."

Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"

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Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!"

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"

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Thought Of The Day:??Always Forgive Your Enemies

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” -- Oscar Wilde

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Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500.

Al: Yes.

Bob: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll forget half of the money.

Al: That’s perfect, I’ll forget the other half.

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The arithmetic teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?"

After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left."

The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. Let me repeat the joke. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?

Johnny replied again, "Two left."

Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away."

Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!!!"

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Thought Of The Day:??Never Go To Bed Mad

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” -- Phyllis Diller

Rental Car Tips

The "Under 100-Mile" Fuel Charge (Avis & Budget)

This one took me a while to figure out. For some reason, when you drive under 100 miles with Avis or Budget, they often add a "fuel charge," even if you've filled the tank before returning the car. I've been charged for this dozens of times. The first few times, I had no idea why I was being charged. When I finally asked, they explained that even if you refuel, you'll still get hit with this fee if you drove fewer than 100 miles.

To avoid it, I now always request a receipt with a total before walking away from the car. A lot of locations encourage you to "just leave the keys on the dash" and promise to email you a receipt later. Absolutely not! If you leave without a printed receipt, you could be charged this sneaky fee, and by the time you see it on your emailed receipt, it's too late to handle it in person. At that point, you're stuck calling customer service, which is never fun.

Prepaid Fuel Is Almost Never a Good Deal

This is something most people probably already know, but it's worth repeating.?. Not only do they charge more per gallon than any local gas station, but you're also paying for the entire tank, even if you don't use it all.

The only time prepaying for fuel might make sense is if you have a super early return (like 4 a.m.) and you're worried about finding an open gas station.

One thing I've also learned is that if you're at an airport where you get to pick your own car from the lot, the system calculates the prepaid fuel cost based on a random tank size. For example, I was once quoted $65 for fuel, based on a 16-gallon tank. But the car I picked (a Kia Forte) only had a 12-gallon tank. If I had prepaid for fuel, I would have overpaid by at least $12 to $15. This isn't something people typically think about, but it's another reason to skip the prepaid fuel option.

The SiriusXM Upsell (Don't Fall for It!)

I can't tell you how many times rental agents have asked, "Do you want to add SiriusXM to your rental?" The thing is, this is?. Whether the car has SiriusXM or not is already determined by the car itself. It's not something the agent can "turn on" or "activate" for you.

In my experience, if they offer you SiriusXM, the car is probably already equipped with it for free. This has happened to me at least 12-15 times. I decline the offer, only to get in the car and see that Sirius is already working. If the agent asks if you want to pay for Sirius, it's probably just them trying to pad their commission.

The Insurance Trick (Watch Their Wording!)

This is one of the sneakier tactics I've seen recently. When you get to the counter, the agent will often ask, "Do you want the premium coverage or the basic coverage?" (Sometimes the choice is "enhanced coverage" or "basic coverage.") They make it sound like these are the only two options.

Here's the kicker: They rarely mention that "no coverage" is also an option. I've had agents straight-up tell me I had to choose one of the two. I've learned to respond with, "Is no coverage an option?" And it always is.

Rental agents are trained to push protection plans because they?. This is why they frame the question as if you have to pick one. But many?. For instance, the Costco Citi credit card provides up to $50,000 in damage protection if you pay for your rental with the card. Knowing this has saved me from paying for unnecessary coverage at the counter.

Kirk Miller

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Man Using Stud Finder Sentenced to 6 Years in Prison For Failing To Point It At Himself And Go 'BEEEEEEEEEP'

FLINT, MI — Local man Keith Peters was sentenced today to six years in prison for failing to properly use a stud finder by first pointing it at himself and saying, "BEEEEEEEEP!"

According to witnesses, Peters was just getting around to installing a TV mount for his wife, Mercy, when he had to pull the stud finder out of his tool bag. Despite knowing full well that federal law requires all men to point the stud-finder at themselves and make a beeping noise prior to using it, Peters reportedly ignored his better judgment and started sweeping the device against the wall.

"You can still visit him in prison, of course, but I'm very disappointed right now," the presiding judge told Mrs. Peters. "No man has forgotten to use the stud finder to find himself since the device was invented. Your husband is a disgrace to this country and to my district. Imagine missing the opportunity to make a dad joke like that. Pitiful… absolutely pitiful."

While in jail, Peters was scheduled to undergo mandatory man training, where he will have to practice taking his stud finder out of the toolbag and pointing it at himself before making a satisfactory beep noise. He must also demonstrate proficiency in pulling out his hammer and telling everyone in the room "It's hammer time," in addition to reminding them "I saw that" any time he prepares to use a circular saw.

At publishing time, Peters's sentence had been commuted after he had impressed the judge by pulling his hatchet out of his work bag and offering it to the judge while saying "I have a small thing to axe of you."

A man gathers his three teenage sons out in his backyard, next to a burnt down shack. He says to them, “I know one of you burned down the outhouse. Which one of you did it?”

The sons remained silent.

The man said, “My sons, I want to tell you the story of George Washington. He chopped down his father’s prize cherry tree. When his father asked him about it, he said, ‘I cannot tell a lie, father. It was I who chopped down the tree.’ Rather than punishing him, his father rewarded him for his courage in telling the truth in difficult circumstances.”

“So I ask you again, my sons: which of you burned down the outhouse?”

The middle son came forward with his head hung down, saying, “Father, your story has shamed me. I was the one who lit the outhouse on fire.”

At this point, the father picked up a branch and started after the middle son, who ran for his life! As he ran away, he shouted over his shoulder, “But father - what about George Washington and the cherry tree?”

The father replied, “George Washington’s father wasn’t IN THE CHERRY TREE when he chopped it down!”

As seen at Quora.

And Yet Another Resolution Funny

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

2021: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2022: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2023: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2024: I will work out 3 days a week.

2025: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

>>>Today's Thot

Someone ripped the 5th month out my new 2025 calendar! I'm dismayed!

Received from Mikey's Funnies.

"The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather - because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?" -Jimmy Fallon

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"Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon." -Seth Meyers

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"Archaeologists believe they have found the tomb of St. Nicholas beneath an ancient church in Turkey. St. Nicholas, of course, is the basis for the legend of Santa Claus. And they think they found him. Which means now when my son asks me if Santa is real, I can confidently say, 'Yes! He is dead though. That's why you didn't get that bike.'" -James Corden

***

A pretty young blonde stood at the bank cashier's window and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said, handing it over.

The teller examined the check and said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?"

For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes! It's me, all right!"

The clerk said, "No Ma'am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification."

The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of people. "This is a recent family photo," she explained. "That's me, third from the left."

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*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

Received from Gopher Central.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have what I consider to be a happy marriage. My question concerns ongoing conversations we have been having about my hair color. The first couple of years we were together, my hair was gray, and then I dyed it red. While I know he loved it, I did it for one reason: I wanted to avoid aging myself unnecessarily in the workplace. My husband knew this.

Two years ago, now retired, I decided to stop coloring my hair. Since then, he continually mentions that he wants me to return to red hair. I have told him repeatedly that I'm unwilling to do that. He says he loved me so much when I was a redhead (does that mean he loves me less now?) and that my "going gray" has made HIM feel old.

I am dismayed and annoyed by his continuing campaign to have me color my hair again, and I have said so. He even brings it up in front of our friends, which feels to me as though he's trying to gather outside support for his argument. I LIKE my gray hair.

It saddens me that my husband finds me less attractive or that my gray hair may be the reason he "feels old," but I wonder why my hair color choice bears that burden of responsibility. Isn't it rightfully my choice? I wouldn't dream of directing him about how to wear his hair. Your thoughts? -- SILVER GIRL IN NEW YORK

DEAR GIRL: This shouldn't be a power struggle, which it appears it has turned into. Yes, your hair color is your choice, and rightfully so. (Would wearing a red wig when your husband is feeling amorous be a workable compromise?) If he "feels old" when he sees gray hair, perhaps coloring his own hair would make him feel younger.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked successfully in the creative arts most of my professional life. My problem? My spouse never misses an opportunity to denigrate my work. If I show an unusual inspiration or spark of creativity which I am proud of, they instantly find fault and say it's not a good or valid idea. It's crushing! This could destroy our long and happy marriage. It's painful because I love my spouse in every way. I am always respectful and supportive of their professional work. -- NO VALIDATION IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO VALIDATION: Spouses are supposed to support each other. Is your spouse equally successful in their creative and work endeavors? If the answer is no, they may be jealous of, or threatened by, your success. They could also be insensitive about how their remarks affect you.

Have you asked your spouse why they are trashing your work? If you have and the response was unsatisfactory, a way to deal with this may be to tell your spouse you prefer that from now on, they keep their opinion to themself, and quit looking to them for validation.