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Re: Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for December 8, 2024
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On Dec 8, 2024, at 5:14?AM, Marilyn L. Van Driesen via groups.io <mvandriesen@...> wrote:
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Daily Clean Jokes and Cartoons for December 8, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for December 8, 2024 Today's Clean Limerick from Kirk The ballet school director who shows Up in classes at random times knows ????????????The result should be good, ????????????'Cause she thinks that it should Help to keep students all?on?their?toes. ? Jim and Carol and Conrad and Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.----- Kirk's Puns You have to hand it to palm readers. ? Did you hear about the brake company on the skids? ? Match makers like to strike up a light conversation. ? The King of the Jungle put on a crown of flowers.??He changed his mind, however, when he was accused of acting like a dandy lion. ? How do you clean ice off tall buildings? ????With sky scrapers _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? ----- Quote of the Day “Learning to love and be kind to ourselves is a lifelong journey.” - Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tall Tales:? Ladder Rungs Stretching? Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because Americans are getting taller. Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change. ----- Remembering, Thankfulness, Appreciation The men convalescing at a veterans' hospital during World War II were encouraged to use a nearby golf course. Not all of the patients were strong enough to complete nine holes, but most of them managed to make it to the fifth fairway, which adjoined a tomato farm. These "off the vine" tomatoes were about the most delicious things the men had ever tasted. Consequently, much grumbling accompanied the installation of fence posts along the farm's property line. But imagine the vets' delight the next morning when, instead of the fence they expected, they found a saltshaker atop each post.
Why did the Turkey snicker alongside the stuffing? ----- Baby Billy was sitting in his mother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal. ----- Thought Of The Day: Happiness By Choice "Happiness is not by chance but by choice." - Jim Rohn __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." ------ Jail Mail A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."? The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." ----- Bottle of Wine For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine. Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.? "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade." ----- More New Drugs on the Market Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.? Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- Original Airdate: September 27th, 1973 ~~ By Michael Roizen, M.D.? A full quarter of adults in this country are lying down on the job -- well, sitting down mostly. But regardless of how they're positioned, they're not active enough to protect their health or longevity. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Re: Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for December 6, 2024
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On Dec 6, 2024, at 5:00?AM, Marilyn L. Van Driesen via groups.io <mvandriesen@...> wrote:
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for December 6, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for December 6, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Kirk''s Limericks Trapeze artist, a man name of Brett, Quit his job which he viewed as a threat. ????????????Lost his partner, his wife, ????????????Which then caused him much strife. Didn't want to work?without?Annette. ? Carol and Conrad and Chris got it. ? Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ----- Puns A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse". ? You can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves. ? Old electricians never die, they just lose contact. ? Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent. ? The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y "Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?" --George Wallace "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein "When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." --Gracie Allen _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  A Divorce For The HolidaysArt calls his son in NY and says, "Dean, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5. ----- A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked. ----- Fact Of The Day:??That's A Lot of Marriages Las Vegas, on average, sees slightly over 300 weddings per day. If you're doing the math, that's roughly 10,000 ceremonies per month and 120,000 per year. ----- I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money... ----- One day three doctors went to a convention together, on the way back, they noticed the car was slowing down. They got out and looked at the tires. The first doctor said "I think its flat." ----- Thought Of The Day:??A Great Future “A great future doesn’t require a great past.” _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Clean Laffs We found a spider in the house and my girlfriend told me to take it out instead of killing it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer. --- When my wife gets upset, sometimes a simple 'Calm down, Honey' in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot more upset. --- "I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the house." --Tom Hertz ----- Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?" The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars." "I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?" "Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear." "Well, you can't be disappointed with that!" "Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars." "Incredible... so how come you look so glum?" "Well, this week...nothing!" *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* Even though my Ecuadoran son-in-law is fluent in English, he translates some figures of speech too literally. When I commented that he and my daughter are about the same age, but she looks much younger, he agreed. "Yes," he said. "A lot of people think I stole the crib." Received from Clean Laffs. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher --* 1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused. 2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot. 3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba. 4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta. 5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States. 6. Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box. 7. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium. 8. Threatens to reenact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time. 9. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West. 10. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall. Received from Gopher Central. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. ----- Airline Rage As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.? Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!" ----- Sales Practice The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.? “Well,” the man began, “I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said ‘Yes.’ Then I asked her ‘Why?’ She replied, ‘Because I love you.’” ----- Florist Mistake On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."? "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com----- (Original Airdate: 6/15/95) Teri Garr talks about her night watching full frontal nudity on Broadway, and her pragmatic Mexican wedding. ~~
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for December 5, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for December 5, 2024 Kirk's Limericks Live vicariously, I insist, Through the movies, a way to exist ????????????That's a very good one. ????????????So please pardon this pun When I say that I am?a?reel-ist. ----- Political Limericks Politicians will go with the flow As a means to accumulate dough. ????????????Both the parties agree ????????????That their votes are not free. They're buy-partisan, surely you know. ? Some congressional votes are buyable; It is easy to do, quite viable. ????????????Pols repeatedly say ????????????It's not true every day, So you know that they're all re-lie-able. ? Like the movie with Simba, one thing About Trump since he's now in full swing: ????????????Both ascended the throne ????????????And it's very well known Donald Trump now is The Lyin' King. ? Politicos, voters defile 'em, And say many words to revile 'em. ????????????Our pols sure amaze me; ????????????Our Congress, so crazy That it's a political asylum. ? "We're devoted to you," the pols swear, But I think that they really don't care. ????????????They ought to be jolted. ????????????It's time we revolted And de-voted them right out of there.
----- Kirk's Puns What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. ? Pasteurize: Too far to see. ? I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. ? What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. ? A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." ----- RFL Jr., Attacked Babylon, Bee
Police arrested the beloved food mascots in connection with the attack that left RFK Jr. with a black eye, split lip, and orange Cheeto dust all over his face and torso. "They came out of nowhere," Kennedy told police. "I was just walking along when suddenly someone shouted 'Oh yeah!' as he jumped out of the shadows. The next thing I knew, these three goons were pounding on me. Thankfully, I managed to fight them off and run away. I think one of them was dressed like Dracula but he smelled vaguely like chocolate." A police spokesman said authorities believed the attack was retaliation for Kennedy's hardline stance against processed foods. Health advocates have reported similar attacks across the country on other public figures and warned that anyone promoting a healthy diet may be a target. The cartoon characters remained defiant when appearing in court. "Don't you know I'm part of a complete breakfast?" Count Chocula shouted at his arraignment. "We're not going to just stand here and watch America get healthy. Kennedy can take his kale and shove it." At publishing time, authorities had also arrested the Keebler elves after finding them lying in wait for Kennedy in his guest suite at Mar-a-Lago. ----- True News Crime Pays:?Over a 2-month period, a group of four men pulled a string of robberies of 7-Eleven stores: one would wait outside while another held anyone inside at gunpoint demanding their wallets and phones, while the other two jumped over the counter to stuff cash from the registers into a Nike bag. They got away with it, too, until one posted photos on Instagram of cash, himself wearing clothing witnesses had described to police, and a gun identical to the one described to police. One photo included the caption, “love my bros we go hit every time.” The account was traced to D’Angelo Spencer, 26, of South Los Angeles. Then similar photos appeared on an Instagram account linked to Jordan Leonard, 25, of Torrance, and Tazjar Rouse, 22, of Hollywood. The fourth man was Charles Christopher, 24, of Compton, investigators say. All four have been arrested, and face 7 years to life in prison. They hauled in just $7,600 from the robberies. (RC/Los Angeles Times, KTLA Los Angeles)?...Good investment: each thousand will bring them about 10 years of housing. Hot, Hot, Hot!?A 42-year-old Belgian man was rescued in California’s Death Valley National Park. The unnamed man suffered third-degree burns in the 123-degree heat because the ground was potentially as high as 200 degrees (93C).“The skin was melted off his foot,” said spokesranger Gia Ponce, because while he was walking across the sand, he lost his flip-flops. The heat was so extreme an ambulance had to drive him to higher, cooler — “only” 109 degrees — ground where a rescue helicoptercould safely land to transport him to a hospital in Las Vegas, Nev. (MS/KTLA Los Angeles)?...That’s 123 reasons to wear real shoes. Driving Off:?“The thought in my head was, you got to be joking,” Mitch Roth said. The mayor of Hawaii County, Hawaii, was recalling an incident last year in which a tourist, obeying GPS directions, drove off the Big Island and into Honokohau Small Boat Harbor. In a matter of weeks, it happened a second time. Then came last month. “The third was, ‘are you serious?’” said Roth. “This is just another form of people not paying attention to what they’re doing.” But there’s more at work this time than just GPS and failure to focus. The Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources says officers attempted to assist a woman who had parked on the boat ramp, and it was then that she proceeded into the water and disembarked. (AC/KHNL Honolulu)?...So she might have known what she was doing — which, oddly enough, would make it dumber. What Sign??The signs at Whitehall in central London, England, are explicit: keep your distance and don’t touch the horses, on which sit the King’s Guard, as they may “kick or bite.” Cameras were rolling as several women took turns camping it up for photos. But one tourist got too close, and the horse grabbed her by the elbow and shoved her away. The woman screamed, but was apparently not injured. She then dropped to the ground anyway, fainting — right under the warning sign. The British Army issued a statement: “We continue to remind the public to adhere to the very clear warning signs and maintain a safe distance.” (RC/LondonEvening Standard)?...And tourists will continue to be tourists, and refuse to maintain a safe distance. Though Legislators Can’t Figure Out How to Pay for It Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Vocation"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for December 3, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for December 3, 2024? ? ? ?? Kirk's Puns They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on charges. ? What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? ????Dumb Beau When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent. ? At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?" ? There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. ----- Kirk's Limericks There's a clock repair service whose forte: Fixing grandfather clocks.??They purport ????????????Their repairs are the best. ????????????The employees, in jest, Say their service is called?tock?support. ? Bill got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ One-Liner:??When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" ----- Quote of the Day: “I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” - A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bull-iant Idea Bob: My friend opened a petting zoo with just one bull, but nobody went. Mike: Why? Bob: He was charging too much. ----- More Bulletin Bloopers The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse. "Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' " Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night. The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished. The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning. Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order. -----
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Give a man a fish, and he’ll ?Instagram it... ----- A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." ----- Thought Of The Day:??Keep Your Temper “Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.” Received from aJokeADay. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Last night, a Republican named Luther Strange lost Alabama Senate primary. So now, 'Luther Strange'' will go back to his old job - a villain in a Batman comic." -- Jimmy Fallon ----- "In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal matter. These experts have been described as 'single.'" -- Conan O'Brien ----- "The Dallas Cowboys knelt before the national anthem as a protest, but then stood while it was being played. Their half-protest still upset many people. Conservatives immediately blasted the move, saying it disrespected the sacred minutes before the national anthem which are for using the restroom and buying nachos." -- James Corden ----- Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ True News from Kirk ? Except for You:?“We want to remind Haywood County travelers that the large orange and white ‘Road Closed’ signage and concrete barriers are there for a reason,”the Junaluska Fire Dept. of Waynesville, N.C. posted on Facebook, “and one of those reasons isn’t to drive around them.” Hurricane Helene severely damaged Interstate 40 in Haywood County, near the border with Tennessee, leaving “gaping holes” in the roadway. Yet a woman did drive her SUV around barriers, and dropped about 100 feet down an embankment. She was “very fortunate to be alive,” the department said; she was airlifted to a hospital, but Patricia Ann Mahoney, 62, later died of herinjuries. (RC/WBTV Charlotte, WLOS Ashville)?...It’s always easier to get away with violating the laws of the land than the laws of physics. What’s Real:?In Canada, cans of Canada Dry Ginger Ale proclaim: “Made from Real Ginger”. That boast was taken off U.S. cans in a class-action lawsuit settlement. Even in Canada, though, a regulation says trace amounts of an ingredient aren’t allowed to be used to justify emphasizing that ingredient on a label, and it was claimed in a new lawsuit that only one drop of ginger oleoresin is used for 70 cans of the soda. “A lot of flavoring agents are used in parts-per-million concentration,” explained Amy Proulx, professor of culinary and food technology at Niagara College. Making a substance extremely concentrated and then diluting it allows for tight control. The Canadian Food Inspection Agency investigated and found that Canada Dry was entitled to highlight its use of real ginger because the oleoresin is made from actual ginger roots. (AC/CBC)?...New label: “Traces its Ancestry to Real Ginger.” Peeling Back the Layers:?After Alex Jones lost a $1.4 billion defamation lawsuit, a new owner claimed his InfoWars web site, saying they purchased it at auction. A bankruptcy judge ordered a hearing to review the sale; Jones disputes that the sale occurred at all. “They’re just desperate to get me off the air,” he said in a video. Nevertheless, the company that’s claiming ownership says the current site content will be archived, and a new platform will be launched in January. Everytown for Gun Safety, the largest gun-control group in the U.S., has an exclusive advertising deal with the new site, and will use the platform to raise awareness about gun violence. “It’s fitting that a platform once used to profit off of tragedy will be a tool of education,” said John Feinblatt, president of Everytown for Gun Safety. Ben Collins, CEO of the company that purchased the site, said, “We hope the Sandy Hook families will be able to marvel at the cosmic joke we will soon make” of the site. He understands cosmic jokes: the company he runs is the online satire news site, The Onion. (MS/Wall Street Journal)?...That explains the tears. Stamp of Approval:?The U.S. Postal Service has announced that it will issue a stamp in 2025 featuring actress Betty White, who died on the last day of 2021, 17 days before she would have turned 100. She first appeared on an experimental TV station at 18 years old, and was still working into her late 90s. White, who played as prim and proper with a side of bawdy, was “The only [Saturday Night Live] host I ever saw get a standing ovation at the after party,” Seth Meyers said when she died. “A party at which she ordered a vodka and a hotdog and stayed til the bitter end.” USPS says White’s stamp will be a “Forever” stamp, which means it will always be usable to send a First Class letter in the U.S. (RC/AP)?...Forever? That’s exactly how long she’ll be loved. Almost Certain to Go Down -----
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DEAR ABBY: I have had a falling out with my sister over her 13-year-old son, my nephew. He is generally a happy child, with everything a boy could want in moderation. My sister is separated from his father. She has primary custody, but they do have a co-parenting relationship. My nephew respects and obeys his father, but he treats my sister like crap. He yells at her and his grandmother, constantly talks back, etc. When he tried it on me, I put him in his place with some choice words. My sister took offense, and we argued over it. I think he needs clear consequences for disrespecting adults. Instead, my sister makes excuses for why he behaves this way -- "He didn't sleep well last night. He's upset about X-Y-Z," etc. I know I'm armchair parenting, but I cannot stand to see this child yell at my sister or elderly mother, and I will not tolerate that behavior toward me. We end up arguing every time I try to talk to her about it. I have stopped spending time with them because of it. Advice, please. -- OLD-SCHOOL AUNTIE DEAR AUNTIE: Your nephew may act out because he is entering his turbulent teens, and this is a phase. It could also be that his mother has yet to make him suffer the consequences for his disrespectful behavior toward you and his grandmother. Since your sister and her ex are co-parenting, they should both be talking to their son about "respect." His grandmother also has a tongue, and she shouldn't tolerate her grandson's bad behavior, either. Personally, I would handle it by avoiding the kid until he straightens up, which may take forever. DEAR ABBY: A dear friend of 12 years recently lost her beloved dog (who she called her third child) to old age. She chose to put the dog down because of health problems and has been racked with guilt ever since. I lost my 19-year-old son 10 years ago to suicide. This has been the worst decade of my life, and I grieve for him every day. My friend has been equating the death of her pet to the death of my son, which has caused a major rift in our relationship. It is not only insulting but also beyond hurtful to me to hear that the passing of a pet is as painful and tragic as the loss of my son. I have told her time and time again there is no comparing the loss of a human child to the loss of a canine "child," yet she continues to disagree. How should I deal with her and this situation? Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- GRIEVING MOM IN THE SOUTH DEAR GRIEVING MOM: I will cut your friend some slack because she's in pain right now, but she's deluded. The pain of sending a beloved pet across the Rainbow Bridge and that of losing a child are not comparable, and for her to have said it -- not only once but to harp on it -- is ridiculous. The best way to deal with this woman would be to distance yourself until she regains some perspective. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
"Some historians now believe that Jesus Christ had a wife. They also believe that Jesus' nephew called Jesus' wife the "Auntie Christ.'"?--Conan O'Brien
"Fast-food chain Arby's is serving a limited-edition Cookie Butter Milkshake. And any customers who order it will also be limited-edition."?-Seth Meyers
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Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
Sweet potato's a fake, in a jam;
Tries to hide from the law, has to scram.
????????????It is running away,
????????????Causing people to say
That it's just a?sham?yam?on the?lam.
?
Carol and Jim got it.
?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.You never should take rocks for granite.??I once had a guest bed that was like a rock.??It created a lot of hard feelings.
?
My friend escaped the FBI by dressing as a woman and skipping the country. Last I heard, he was still abroad.
?
The rocket lost his job. He left work early to go to launch, so he was fired.
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A dry cleaner was indicted with charges pressed for money laundering.??A deal is being ironed out.
?
A flea market dealer was found to be selling unlicensed stuffed animals and unauthorized copies of MGM movies.??He was charged with selling sham poohs and faux Leos.??During the raid he faked a heart attack, which added a charge of false arrest.
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Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left? ----- There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. ----- Thought Of The Day: How Wonderful It Is “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnnie's Equine Education Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."? Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!" ----- Dot. ----- |
The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to:
Single__, Married__, Divorced___ .
I marked single. Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.
Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."
?ArcaMax One-Liners
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.
Punctual people have nothing better to do.
People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!
Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
Save time . . . see it my way.
The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.
People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.?
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.
The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!"
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Tommy and Math
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.?
With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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Bangety Bang Bang!
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.?
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
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Excerpts from Classified Sections of City Newspapers
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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.?
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.?
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Birthday GreetingsSeen on a birthday card.
Forget about the past. You can't change it.
Forget about the future. You can't predict it.
Inside:
Forget about the present. I didn't buy you one.
What Things Should You Ignore??
Direct link:?
DEAR ABBY: I had my four children by the time I was 24. My oldest is a senior, while my others are a sophomore, eighth grader and a seventh grader. I feel, at times, that I go through a grieving process more now than ever as they are getting older and time is racing by so incredibly fast. Is it normal to feel sadness and grief over your children growing up, knowing they are going to be gone in a few years? My oldest just joined the military and leaves after her final year of high school. I became a mom at such a young age that it's all I have ever known and dedicated my life to (besides being a wife and health care worker). Is what I am feeling normal and, if so, does the emotional part of it ever get easier? I pride myself on being the best I can be as a mother and provider, and I am having a hard time -- especially with my oldest -- knowing that I have to let go.?-- INVESTED MAMA IN TENNESSEE DEAR MAMA:?People experience "empty nest syndrome" to varying degrees. You are a successful parent, but you are also more than that. You have raised your daughter to (young) adulthood and prepared her for independence. That was your job. She is not dying, you are not losing her and she isn't "disappearing over a sand dune." She now has a chance to use the skills you have taught her to create a successful future. Dry your tears. Be proud of yourself. Be proud of her. Now that your children are older, explore activities that will enrich your own life. You have earned it. DEAR ABBY: I recently got engaged, and I am thrilled to be marrying such a wonderful man. We communicate well and have never argued until now. Weddings are expensive, and we agreed on a budget. We will be paying for this on our own. Once we started getting into all the costs, we quickly realized we will have to lower the number of guests or increase the budget. I am completely against increasing the budget to accommodate family members my fiance hardly talks to. I wanted a small wedding anyway. He feels obligated to invite all his extended family members, and I don't understand it. I love him, but why are we obligated to overextend ourselves for people who won't be a major part of our lives going forward??-- FRUGAL FUTURE BRIDE IN FLORIDA DEAR FUTURE BRIDE:?Be glad you are having this argument with your fiance early in your engagement. I say this because questions about priorities and how money is spent are among the chief reasons marriages break up. Although this may add to the expenses attached to your wedding, it could head off many problems down the road if the two of you get pre-marital counseling. There may be other ways to cut costs rather than shorten the guest list, particularly if your fiance feels his family members might feel slighted if they aren't invited. |
Kirk's Limericks
There are ninja nuns that inhabit
A nice abbey, remarked an abbot.
????????????And its squadron of nuns
????????????Very often makes puns
Like their moniker:?Force?of?Habit.?
Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.----- Kirk's Puns Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience. ? A plateau is a high form of flattery. ? The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. ? The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. ? A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ How do musicians pay their debts? ----- The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he's not cheating on his exams." ----- Thought Of The Day: Knowing How to Swim “Knowing how to swim doesn’t give you mastery over water.” Received from aJokeaDay ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________New Teeth Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!" ----- New State Slogans New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!? Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
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Direct link:? |
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
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What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
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What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
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What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
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A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
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Kirk's Limericks
A clean chimney is what the man sought,
So he went to a store and he got
????????????A machine that was there
????????????That blows big blasts of air
Up the chimney.??It's called a?flue?shot.
?
Carol got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Received from Kirk Miller.
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What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.
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A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"
The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane."
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Thought Of The Day:
Never Let It
"Never let success get to your head, and never let failure get to your heart."
– Drake
Received from aJokeaDay.
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"A new study from the University of Sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based on our facial expressions. Yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse -- and they never pitch in for the pizza." -- Stephen Colbert
"Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying." -- Jimmy Kimmel
"Researchers say much of Florida could be underwater by the end of the century. On the bright side, they say it could happen much sooner." -- Conan O'Brien
My 10-year-old daughter has decided she is an environmentalist. So she talked me into participating in an aggressive recycling effort with her.
Last week she and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85.
We're going to use generally accepted accounting principles and see if we can apply this amount to our taxable income.
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.
Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically. "They got bowls of it!"
Received from Clean Laffs.
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The Toughest Time of My Life
I had the toughest time of my life.First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.
Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
- What's The Story? -
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor..."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Here's a typical conversation I had with my son Sean. This happened yesterday morning. Okay, here we go...
Me: What would you like for breakfast?
Sean: Hot Dogs!
Me: No. Hot Dogs are not breakfast food. How about waffles?
Sean: No. I want jelly beans.
Me: What?! Jelly Beans? Are you outta your mind? Try again.
Sean: Cereal!
Me: Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. What kind of cereal?
Sean: Jelly bean cereal!
Me: There's no such thing. How about Cheerios?
Sean: No. I want lunch!
Me: What do you mean you want lunch? It's breakfast time! And during this particular mealtime we eat breakfast food. So...what would you like to eat for breakfast?
Sean: Waffles!
Me: Okay. Two waffles coming up! Would you like syrup?
Sean: Yes, please.
Me: How about some blueberries?
Sean: I want some PEZ!
Now, I'm going to stop there out of consideration for you, the audience, because this went on and on until almost lunchtime; and then the conversation really started to tear at the fabric of time and space causing me to question all that I know.
Just another day being a dad.
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- Q and A Quickies -
Q: What '60s music group can kill germs?
A: The Bleach Boys!
Q: What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
A: Rep-tiles!
Q: What did the clock say to the watch?
A: Tock to you later.
Received from Daily Groaner
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A "book-keeper" doesn't return books on time.
If you want to have footprints in the sands of time ... wear work boots.
One day at a time is all we need to deal with.
We can't go back to yesterday, and we can't control tomorrow.
So live for today and be thankful.
As seen in The Platte Enterprise
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The Right FocusDirect link:?
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DEAR ABBY: My daughter was diagnosed with a disease. Soon after, she decided to marry a man she'd met. I'm not fond of the guy, and I find it difficult to have a relationship with him. They moved to another state, and I asked that she not bring him to this house. However, every chance she gets, she brings him, and he acts as if this is his house. Right now, I'm in counseling to help me find a solution to this issue. My daughter is also in counseling and claims it is partially due to me. She'll be having surgery soon, and I have decided not to stay in their home because I'd feel like a hypocrite. I have decided to stay in a hotel and come to their home only to help her. Am I wrong for handling the situation this way? I don't want to upset my daughter, and I'm sorry our relationship has become so complicated. She is a person who has to control everything. Having a conversation with her is out of the question because it leads to a shouting match and a great deal of disrespect on her part. I tend to shut down and withdraw. What should I do? -- CAUTIOUS IN TEXAS DEAR CAUTIOUS: I'm pleased to know that you are in counseling. Please discuss with your counselor how to be gracious to your son-in-law when your daughter brings him along when she visits you. (She may have little choice.) For the sake of your sanity, keep those visits short. Your idea of staying in a hotel when you go to help your daughter after surgery is a logical one. It will give you quiet time to recover from the pressure of caring for her as well as your exposure to her husband. There should be no need for a shouting match; it is important that your daughter's recovery be as stress-free as possible. As to her being controlling, it may be time to ask yourself where that tendency may have come from. DEAR ABBY: A close person in my life complains about money yet spends money on frivolous things. They have rooms full of decorations, dishes, plants, flowers and lanterns, and have done extensive planting in their garden, which, to some, is a waste of money. They buy groceries they don't eat, and then complain about throwing food away. An example: They bought Oreos, which they hate, so now the cookies sit in the cupboard. At some point, it will become "someone's" fault, but maybe not the correct person's. I guess they're only happy when they are alone, buying decorations? -- NOT MANAGING IN THE EAST DEAR NOT MANAGING: People shop (and sometimes overshop) for many reasons, including boredom, depression and compulsive behavior. If the person you are writing about is spending their own money, I see no reason why you should be writing to me. However, if it is your money, perhaps the "close person" needs to be put on a budget. |
What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
????A chew chew train
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I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
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A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
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What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"
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Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
The hot pepper is funny, really
Is disorganized, and it will be
????????????Evermore the same way,
????????????Which does cause me to say:
Silly?chili?is?willy-nilly.
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Conrad and Bill and Chris got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.The day after Thanksgiving begins the Christmas shopping season.??Millions of Americans will peruse the aisles looking for that hard to find item:??A helpful store clerk.
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What side of the turkey is the left side?
????The part that wasn't eaten
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Why did the turkey go to the movie?
????To see Gregory Peck
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A collection of turkeys is singing: All we are saying is "Give beef a chance."
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What do you get after eating too much turkey and dressing?
????Dessert, of course
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Overrated:??What we all did at Thanksgiving dinner.
WASHINTON, D.C. — In a stealth move aimed at rounding up as many illegal immigrants as possible, President-Elect Donald Trump was reportedly finalizing plans to set up taco traps around the D.C. area.
As part of his hardline stance against illegal immigration, Trump commissioned an expert team of engineers to devise state-of-the-art migrant traps consisting of a wooden box propped up by a stick with a string attached to it featuring tacos as the bait.
"This is the best way to get these illegal immigrants out of the country," Trump told reporters. "I should know, because I thought of the idea and all my ideas are the best. We take a taco, a little guac, a little lettuce, some beans, or whatever, and we put them under a box with a stick and a string. Fantastic idea, one of the best. Many people are saying so."
Trump unveiled his idea at a park in the D.C. area with a ribbon cutting on a taco trap near the Lincoln Memorial. The concept originated after Trump made a midnight run to Taco Bell with a few of his friends and advisors over the weekend.
Democrats immediately came out in opposition to the new initiative. "I think these taco traps are racist and I demand they be immediately removed," said Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "Tacos aren't really even Hispanic. More Americans eat tacos than Latinos. Like, does Trump think a chalupa is actually Mexican food? Racist!"
The taco traps will reportedly be funded in part by the money the federal government is saving not having to pay for illegal immigrants' groceries, housing, and medical costs.
At publishing time, Trump also announced he would be budgeting to pay Mariachi bands to play the song "So Long, Farewell" from?The Sound Of Music?on all planes carrying deported illegal immigrants out of the country.
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This Guy Is Crazy
Clean Tips
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Received from Kirk Miller
***
"A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day." -- Seth Meyers
***
The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper.
He categorically denied doing so.
That led to my next question, "Then why is this paper in French?"
***
A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.
Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.
He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.
"How did you do?" asked the bride.
The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray."And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password...
It’s not stroganoff!
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A ill business owner was discussing with his lawyer a final draft of his last will and testament.
"Well," as he was discussing with his lawyer, "I want to put in a clause for my employees. To those that have worked for me for 20 years or longer I want to give and bequeath the amount of $50,000."
His Lawyer reminded him that he has not been in business 20 years. The business owner replied, "I know, but it's going to be great advertising!"
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Thought Of The Day:
Hunger for Love
"There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation than for bread."
- Mother Teresa
Received from aJokeADay.
Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention. Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?" ----- A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." ----- Haunted House There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.? So what's the moral of the story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. ----- Skydiving Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready. Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.? He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn't open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, "So you wanna race, huh?!" |
Is Your Love Bigger?
Direct link:?
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 64-year-old guy. I am single and have two daughters and four grandkids. A young woman ("Sarah"), who is my daughter's age, and I have been hiking buddies for the past five years. I treat her like my third daughter and a family member. Sarah is married, and her husband does not enjoy hiking. Her husband and my daughters accept our friendship and are happy that I found a person I can hike with. I have been dating a lady ("Toni") who is close to my age. Six months ago, I suggested we should spend our lives together. My daughters and Sarah were happy for me. Toni rejected my proposal, citing that I must have some kind of romantic relationship with Sarah. When I mentioned it to Sarah, she distanced from me. I think she thinks she may have interfered with my relationship with Toni. We're still friends but not like before. Should I talk to Sarah and ask why she distanced from me? I feel depressed about this and have some remorse. I should not have told her what Toni said. -- HIKER IN COLORADO DEAR HIKER: I don't think you did anything wrong by telling Sarah what Toni implied. You have a right to ask any question you wish of your hiking buddy. You won't know why your warm five-year relationship with her cooled unless you ask. What I would like to know is whether you are still dating Toni after she rejected your proposal. If the answer is yes, do you plan to continue, knowing you have no future with her unless you find a male hiking buddy? DEAR ABBY: I have had a friend who has been in my life and part of my group of friends' lives since high school. Years and years later, she has become increasingly negative toward all of us for no reason. Her husband is dying now, and we don't know how to handle it. She has ghosted all of us because she's so full of hatred and negativity. We had decades of fun and memories, but she wants nothing to do with us. How do we handle the death of her husband? She says we are all phonies, which is all in her head. -- PERPLEXED IN OHIO DEAR PERPLEXED: How long has this woman been becoming "negative"? There may be a reason why she has changed. Her husband is sick and he's not going to get better. If she loves him and feels any responsibility to him at all, she's directing all of her energies in that direction. The way to handle this would be for you longtime friends to step forward. Tell her you care. Volunteer to help in any way she will allow, and do not isolate her any more than she has isolated herself. If you haven't done that, I can see why she might have said she thought you were phonies. |
My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.
He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"
I said, "Where? Through a minefield?"
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A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey," she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for... an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
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Thought Of The Day:??If We Knew
“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
- Albert Einstein
aJokeaDay
You Got $2??
A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Feminist on the Bus?
A radical feminist was getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man got up from his seat.She thought to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushed him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tried to get up again.
She was insulted again and refused to let him up.
Finally, the man said, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!"
Q and A Quickies?
A: Because it wasn't peeling well!
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during games?
A: They sit by their fans!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
***My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...She was attacked by a giant crab.
***I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
***A tour guide was showing a tour group around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar coin across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide, "a dollar went a lot farther in those days."
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight, homely women and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
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What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion?
??? Take me to your weeder!
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What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin?
?? ?One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
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A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
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Kirk's Limericks
Corn was popular, earned lots of praise.
Popularity's waning these days.
????????????Corn has had much renown,
????????????But the folks in this town
Now describe it as?maize?craze?a?phase.
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Carol and Conrad and Jim got it.
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Hint: Triple rhymes in the last line?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Halt!?The Hernando County (Fla.) Sheriff’s Office pulled a car over for a routine traffic stop. When deputies approached the car, they noticed “a rolled cigar containing a green leafy substance they identified as marijuana.” There were other items in plain view that suggested other drugs; they pulled out the driver and a passenger while they searched the car more thoroughly, finding other alleged drugs and paraphernalia. Deputies say when they turned to arrest the driver, ScottSchwirian, 39, he took off running, but was immediately apprehended — by a utility pole, which he slammed into. Schwirian and his passenger, Heidi Reynolds, 36, were arrested, charged with multiple drug offenses. (RC/WTVT Tampa)?...That utility pole needs to be honored as an example for other utility poles to follow.
Who Should Pay Whom??Columbia River Fire and Rescue in Rainier, Ore., sent William Hoesch a bill for $1,862. The bicyclist hadbeen hit by a large vehicle, and the ambulance service took him to the hospital. Hoesch, in turn, has sued Columbia River Fire and Rescue for $997,000, to cover the ambulance bill, other actual and anticipated medical expenses, and pain and suffering. It was a Columbia River ambulance, his lawyer says, that knocked Hoesch off his bike and injured him in the first place. (AC/Portland Oregonian)?...Apparently when an ambulance injures you, giving you a free ride to the hospital is not the least they can do.
Swimming in the Bathtub:?Cole Taschman was surfing at Florida’s Bathtub Beach when he looked back and saw a shark biting his legs. He was able to catch a wave back to shore, where his friends applied a tourniquet and got him to a hospital. Two surgeries and 93 stitches later, Taschman is recovering — and trying to crowdfund his medical bills. “It’s freaky,” he said. “That’s just the heaviest thing ever. You know, you think a lot about family and think a lot about, life. You know, it changes you.” He should know: this is the second time he’s been bitten by a shark. The first time was 11 years ago, when a 4- to 5-foot-long blacktip reef shark bit his right hand — at Florida’s Bathtub Beach. This time Taschman believes he was bitten by a a tiger or bull shark — that was 7- to 8-feet long. (MS/WPTV West Palm Beach)?...Clearly the first time it didn’t quite change?everything.
Big Boast:?The Campuestohan Highland Resort in Negros Occidental, Philippines, is crowing over getting recognition in Guinness World Records. “The resort has its own ambulance, a tunnel of lights at night,” said owner Ricardo ‘Cano Guapo’ Tan, “and the biggest playground in the Philippines.” So, what’s the record? It’s “the largest building in the shape of a chicken,” he said. Yet the 6-storey building only has 15 guest rooms. (RC/Philippine Daily Inquirer)?...So like a typical giant cock, it really isn’t that impressive an accomplishment.
Split Verdict
Who Gets the TikTok in the Divorce? The Messy Fight Over Valuable Social Media Accounts
Wall Street Journal headline
Direct link:?
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Well, He Wanted to Know After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. ----- A Little Jury Help A man being tried for murder happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees. ----- Thought Of The Day:? You Talk When You Cease “You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.” Received from aJokeADay |
A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
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What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre???After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.??When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Eh? Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."??And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that.
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Kirk's Limericks
Woman's goal: to be gynecologist;
Changes mind, will be ophthalmologist.
????????????At her teachers she'd lash,
????????????Made decisions so rash
That she now is a?dermatologist.
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Brand name scissors are pricey.??I'm impressed
By the way they perform, so I suggest
????????????That you buy a pair now.
????????????When you use them, see how
They are simply a?cut?above?the?rest.
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Bat is growing quite old, but does fare
Pretty well for his age.??In his lair,
????????????All the other bats say
????????????He is doing okay.
Though bat's ancient, he's?hanging?in?there.
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Ironic Times
This is a great humor site:?
Received from Kirk Miller.
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.?
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.?
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They're making head lines across the nation!
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Jimmy finds Martha Stewart in his winter coat while checking to see what he left in his pockets from last season.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Spreading Good And Rejecting Negativity
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DEAR ABBY: I have been with my girlfriend, "Kim," for a year and a half. We are both in our 40s and very independent. Her mother struggles with our relationship because we are two women. She has told Kim our relationship is an embarrassment for her. She didn't know her daughter is a lesbian until we began seeing each other. Kim's mother has said that if I were a man, she would be thrilled. She knows I love her daughter and treat her well, but she can't get over the fact that we are gay. I am perplexed about what to do. Our relationship is stable, and we are both happy, but this bothers both of us. I don't want Kim to feel torn between her mother and me, especially since we are discussing marriage. Is there anything I can do to ease the tension??-- LOOKING FOR PEACE IN KENTUCKY DEAR LOOKING: There is little to nothing you can (or should) do to ease Kim's mother's embarrassment. Parents have all sorts of dreams and ambitions where their children are concerned, but in the final analysis, adult children must live their own lives as they see fit. A longtime, trusted organization called PFLAG exists for the precise purpose of building bridges between LGBTQ individuals and their family members. You can find it at . However, until Kim's mother is willing to seek help to adjust to reality, there's nothing you or Kim can do other than let your happy life together be an example. DEAR ABBY: Two and a half years ago, I purchased a starter motorcycle and allowed someone I considered to be a good friend to ride it around the block. She fell in love with it and expressed that she would love to have it. I made an agreement with her that when I upgraded, I would sell her that bike. A year later, I was able to purchase the one I wanted. I found out what the trade-in value for my original bike would have been and agreed to sell it to her at that price. I told her then to pay me as she was able, and I signed the title over to her. I did not draw up any bill of sale or contract. I now realize this may have been naive on my part. Shortly after taking possession, she had an accident and totaled the bike. Her insurance did not pay, and she has hired a lawyer, saying it was the other person's fault. During this time, she has paid not one cent toward the bike, or even acknowledged that she owes me anything for it. I struggle with confrontation, so I have yet to say anything, but a year and a half later, I think the time has come. I know legally there isn't much I can do, but I would like to say something to her. How can I address this without coming across as being difficult? We have grown apart but are still friendly.?-- BIKER CHICK IN TEXAS DEAR BIKER CHICK:?Try this: "It has been a year and a half since I sold you the bike. When do you plan to start paying me what we agreed upon?" It is a legitimate question. |
When New York City sanitation workers went on strike in 1975, it reeked havoc.? ? ??
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When an optometrist does his tax return, does he item eyes?
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When the nearby property became a landfill, they ended up down in the dumps.
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He was called the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.??He always told patients the whole tooth.??A lawyer asked the dentist to give him a retainer, while a manicurist fought with the dentist tooth and nail.??Usually, it is the same grind, day after day.??Be kind to your dentist, because he has fillings, too.
Kirk's Limerick
A ghost's favorite game to pursue
With some children's the same one that you
????????????Used to play long ago.
????????????Almost all babies know
And enjoy when they play?peek-a-BOO!
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Bill, Conrad, Jim, Carrol, Chris, and Erika got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
2. What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe!
3. Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back.
4. What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
"Don't give up on your dreams."
"Really? You mean it?"
"Yeah, just keep sleeping."
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The lion married off a child. Being the king of the jungle, he invited all the animals for the wedding.
On the very special night, a mouse walks up the lion and says, "Congratulations brother!"
The lion looks at the mouse and says, "Thanks, but since when am I your brother?"
The mouse replied, "Well, I was once a lion too, then I got married."
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Thought Of The Day:??Shoveling Dragon Dung
“Worthless. I don't need to be pouring tea, I need to be shoveling dragon dung.”
- Rosaria Munda, Furysong
Received from aJokeADay.
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My Jedi brat can beat up your honors student
I survived the Battle of Endor
Palpatine, save me from your followers
My other starship is an SSD
Visit Scenic Beggars Canyon
Jedi Master on board -- please fly carefully
-----I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." ----- Doris. ----- More Things I'd Like to Hear, Just once From a store clerk: "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
-- From my doctor: "Of course I'll come by your house to check on you." "Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better." "Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in." "I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test." "Here, take these samples." "Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that." "I recommend you get a second opinion." Two friends (Andrew Dismukes, Devon Walker) try to connect with their dads (Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson) by giving them a call. |
The First One!
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DEAR ABBY: My husband's uncle died by suicide in his home six months ago. It was a shock to the entire family. Since the funeral, we have helped to settle his affairs, including cleaning out his home to get it ready for sale. My husband's cousin (the uncle's daughter) has had an understandably difficult time coming to terms with the loss of her father and has decided to purchase the house and reside there. She hasn't sought grief counseling and uses social media as a therapeutic outlet. Many in the family believe she's making a mistake spurred by grief. She wants to hold family gatherings and holiday celebrations there. Those of us who helped clean out the house do not want to go back there. The loss is still recent, and the memories of the scene are still fresh. How can we tell this cousin we are uncomfortable visiting the home without causing her more grief? We want to be supportive, but it's just too hard to walk back into the place where he ended his life. -- TRAUMATIZED IN MISSOURI DEAR TRAUMATIZED: Your husband's cousin is trying hard to deal with her grief, however ill-advised her method may be. Everyone has been supportive, but someone needs to speak honestly with her and let her know that what she is fantasizing about isn't going to happen. The person closest to her needs to speak frankly -- for the family -- about their reluctance to visit the house again. Once she knows, she may be less eager to buy her father's home. Yes, she could probably use some grief counseling, and it's available to families who have experienced the kind of trauma she has. A resource that could help is the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (), but that poor, grieving woman has to be willing to ask for it. DEAR ABBY: When I'm invited to a friend's house for dinner and asked to bring dessert, I always make something fresh and delicious for that evening. Lately, I'm noticing that several friends, when invited to my house or another friend's party, are bringing along half-eaten desserts from the previous evening's family dinner. I think this is rude. It's like they're saying, "You're not worth the effort." Is this a new trend, or am I too sensitive? -- IRRITATED IN IDAHO DEAR IRRITATED: You're not too sensitive, and if this is a new trend, I haven't heard of it. Many hosts serve fresh food to their guests and are careful about how it is presented. By that I mean, it is not half-consumed and doesn't look like leftovers. If the "several friends" who do this don't have time to prepare something to bring, they should buy something and bring it whole. |
? ? ? ? ?????????????????? Smiles & Groaners...?
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THE MATHEMATICS OF RELATIONSHIPS
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to get skewed.??The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair.??From then on it was a continuous function.??They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel.??She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum.??They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion.??They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit.??After that they slept like logs.??Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. It seemed as though she was from another dimension. Things just weren't adding up.??They diverged.??That was a real plus because he needed to get her out of his domain.??She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he did a cosine on a loan for his son, Ray.
A Fact to Make You Laugh
A Butt Is a Unit of Measurement
If we’re talking imperial measurements, a “butt” is a?. And while this form of “butt” is obsolete for most people, it’s still used in wine and brewing contexts. In the wine world, a butt is around 108 imperial gallons (just under 500 liters, or around?), so it turns out that a buttload is… a buttload.
David LettermanYou've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not New Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
- From AZquotes.com via Wayne Onaka and GCFL
A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek.
“Are you wiping off my kiss?” she asked.
“No”, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, “I’m just rubbing it in!”
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Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin. Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same two men in the same truck with the same penguin again.
He stops them and says, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this animal to a zoo yesterday?"
The driver replies, "We did officer! We are taking him to the movies today."
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Thought Of The Day:
Well Done
"Well done is better than well said."
- Benjamin Franklin
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.?
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.?
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man -- No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
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We could all use a little magic in our lives sometimes, and Guillermo is here to help. Sponsored by Ménage à Trois Wines.
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DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you printed a letter from a grandmother who said she was changing her will because neither her adult children nor her grandchildren ever wrote her thank-you notes when she sent a gift. I had taught my son the importance of writing thank-you notes, but he wasn't doing a very good job of completing the process. I cut out the letter from your column and sent it to him.
Boy, what a difference it made. He was recently married, and many people have told me what heartfelt thank-you notes they received in a timely manner and how much they were appreciated. He recently had a birthday, and every person who wished him well got a written thank-you.
Abby, please continue to remind your readers about the importance of thankfulness and kindness and what that means to others. Entitlement has gotten way out of hand. Handwritten thank-you notes are NOT old-fashioned. They lift the giver's heart. Thank you. -- TAMARA IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TAMARA: The subject of thank-you notes is one of the most common complaints I receive from readers. Some people put off writing them because they have difficulty expressing themselves via the written word, don't know what to say or are afraid they'll say the wrong thing.
I advise readers to have a notebook handy when they open gifts and jot down the first words that come to mind when they see what's inside. For some reason, they mistakenly believe a thank-you must be long and flowery when, in fact, short and to the point is more effective. Do they like the color? The style? Is the gift something they've been wanting? Write it down and use it for inspiration!
My Letters booklet contains samples of thank-you notes for birthday gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts and those that arrive at holiday time. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. You will find it also contains sample letters of congratulations as well as for difficult subjects, such as the loss of a parent, spouse or a child. Many readers have told me my booklet has served as a valuable tool in teaching their children basic good manners.
DEAR ABBY: I am elderly and stuck in a miserable marriage. The romance is long gone. We live as roommates. If I were to die tomorrow, I don't think anyone would miss me. I'm partially disabled, and it is difficult for me to get out on my own. Must I accept life as it is, or should I kick his butt out? -- HOPELESS IN TEXAS
DEAR HOPELESS: If you are financially dependent upon your husband or need his help for personal needs, I do not recommend "kicking his butt out." Contact your nearest senior center and ask what activities are offered in your community, including transportation for seniors or people with disabilities. If you do, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover you are not as isolated as you think.
Petty Stuff... So What?!
Direct link:?
Kirk's Limerick
Nineteen eighty-eight, there was a day
When the digging began in Calais.
????????????They dug also in Kent
????????????For the Chunnel, which meant
That it finally got?underway.
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Jim and Conrad and Grover and Bill got it.
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Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.??
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Kirk's Puns??
I asked a nuclear physicist to make me a cocktail.??He made me a pina collider.
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I have to admit that as the hot dog vendor went on rather explicitly about how he likes to "caress each bun with mustard" and "tease it with dabs of relish," I was growing rather uncomfortable with his frank talk.
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The man who knew he?had?found his true love after their first kiss was a lip reader.?
The runner was leading the marathon until she ran into trouble.
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Once upun a time, when seals had tremendous political clout, Diane Feinstein (the former mayor of San Francisco, now Senator) was running for governor.??An opposing candidate had a nightmare in which the ex-mayor was victorious in the election, thanks to the convincing campaigning of some savvy seals.??When the loser awoke, he saw a seal seated by his windowsill and sang out to it, "You picked a Feinstein to lead me, you seal!"??
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Kirk's Jokes
Junior had just received his brand new driver's license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.??"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.??"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.??"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"??He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."??"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
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What is a cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
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Instruction for the pub quiz was that the team names should be one word only. We were called “Not very good at following instructions”.
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Kirk's Pictures
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Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary
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ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION:?Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE:?A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA:?Retched excess.
CHIC:?Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE:?A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT:?A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES:?Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA:?A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE:?Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER:?Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME:?A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING:?Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP:?Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.
JOB:?A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER:?A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER:?A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING:?A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY:?The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY:?An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER:?A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING:?The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC:?Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY:?A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING:?Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE:?What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY:?An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS:?The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR:?A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR:?A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART:?Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO:?Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT:?The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL:?The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN:?A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: (1)?A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. (2) What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME:?A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE:?A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
Thanks, Kirk!
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A Chinese man was sitting at the bar when a Jewish man comes up and punches him in the nose. He grabs his nose and says, “What was that for?”
The Jewish man says, “That’s for Pearl Harbor.”
The Chinese man exclaims, “Pearl Harbor?!? I’m Chinese! That was the Japanese!”
To which the Jewish man replies, “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese…they’re all the same.”
The Chinese man sits at the bar getting angrier and angrier. Finally, he can take no more and goes and punches the Jewish man in his nose and says, “That’s for the Titanic!”
The Jewish man is puzzled. “The Titanic?!?”
“Goldberg, Steinberg, Iceberg…they’re all the same!” Replies the Chinese man.
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Before You Meet with God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"?
"About two minutes ago," came the reply.
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Don't Want to Go to School
Mom goes to son's room to wake him up. "Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!"
Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!"
Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!"
Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!"?
Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school."
"Why do I have to go to school?"
Mother replies, "Because you're the PRINCIPAL!"
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A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.
"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"
"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"
"The light was on."
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Quick Quotes
"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno
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"Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? Divorced." --David Letterman?
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"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" --Craig Kilborn
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Magician Shin Lim talks about his live magic residency in Las Vegas and wows Jimmy and Questlove with a mind-blowing optical card trick where he can deal the exact cards they have in mind.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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