Daily Clean Jokes for December 1, 2024

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Daily Clean Jokes for December 1, 2024

#2342

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for December 1, 2024? ? ??

Kirk's Limericks

There are ninja nuns that inhabit

A nice abbey, remarked an abbot.

????????????And its squadron of nuns

????????????Very often makes puns

Like their moniker:?Force?of?Habit.?

Jim got it.
?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk's Puns

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

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How do musicians pay their debts?

With quarter notes.

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The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

"The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he's not cheating on his exams."

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Thought Of The Day:

Knowing How to Swim

“Knowing how to swim doesn’t give you mastery over water.”

- Patrick Rothfuss

Received from aJokeaDay

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New Teeth

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.

The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

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New State Slogans

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!?

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

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Answers from Quiz Shows

National Lottery Jet Set

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.?

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?

Family Fortunes

-- Something a blind man might use? A Sword
-- A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
-- Name the Capital of France? F
-- Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
-- Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
-- Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
-- A famous Scotsman? Jock
-- Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
-- Something that floats in a bath? Water
-- An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
-- Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
-- A famous Royal? Mail
-- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings
-- A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
-- Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
-- Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
-- A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
-- Something associated with pigs? The Police
-- A sign of the Zodiac? April
-- Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
-- Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
-- Something you put on walls? A roof
-- Something Slippery? A conman
-- A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
-- A Jacket Potato topping? Jam
-- A food that can be brown or white? A potato
-- Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
-- Something Red? My sweater

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The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

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Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.?

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

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Debate About the Box

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.

"No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:?

"I define myself to be on the outside."

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Jesus Is Watching You

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again.

So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar asks, "What's your name?"?

The parrot says "Clarence."

The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

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Sunbathing

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

?"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

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