Today's Clean Jokes and Comics for November 27, 2024? ?
My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.
He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"
I said, "Where? Through a minefield?" -----
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey," she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for... an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl." ----- Thought Of The Day:??If We Knew ¡°If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?¡±
- Albert Einstein aJokeaDay
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A Spelling Funny
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
"Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program."
A minute later came his reply, "Must be dephective."
>>>Today's Thot
The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.
Received from Mikey's Funnies
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ You Got $2??A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
----- Feminist on the Bus?A radical feminist was getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man got up from his seat.
She thought to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushed him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tried to get up again.
She was insulted again and refused to let him up.
Finally, the man said, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!"
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Q and A Quickies?Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it wasn't peeling well!
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during games?
A: They sit by their fans!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
Received from Daily Groaner.
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Clean Laffs
"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"
***My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...She was attacked by a giant crab.
***I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
***A tour guide was showing a tour group around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar coin across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide, "a dollar went a lot farther in those days."
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*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight, homely women and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
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Kirk Miller's Puns
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. ? I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket. ? What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? ??? Take me to your weeder! ? What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? ?? ?One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny. ? A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
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Kirk's Limericks
Corn was popular, earned lots of praise. Popularity's waning these days. ????????????Corn has had much renown, ????????????But the folks in this town Now describe it as?maize?craze?a?phase. ? Carol and Conrad and Jim got it. ? Hint: Triple rhymes in the last line?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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True News ?
Halt!?The Hernando County (Fla.) Sheriff¡¯s Office pulled a car over for a routine traffic stop. When deputies approached the car, they noticed ¡°a rolled cigar containing a green leafy substance they identified as marijuana.¡± There were other items in plain view that suggested other drugs; they pulled out the driver and a passenger while they searched the car more thoroughly, finding other alleged drugs and paraphernalia. Deputies say when they turned to arrest the driver, ScottSchwirian, 39, he took off running, but was immediately apprehended ¡ª by a utility pole, which he slammed into. Schwirian and his passenger, Heidi Reynolds, 36, were arrested, charged with multiple drug offenses. (RC/WTVT Tampa)?...That utility pole needs to be honored as an example for other utility poles to follow. Who Should Pay Whom??Columbia River Fire and Rescue in Rainier, Ore., sent William Hoesch a bill for $1,862. The bicyclist hadbeen hit by a large vehicle, and the ambulance service took him to the hospital. Hoesch, in turn, has sued Columbia River Fire and Rescue for $997,000, to cover the ambulance bill, other actual and anticipated medical expenses, and pain and suffering. It was a Columbia River ambulance, his lawyer says, that knocked Hoesch off his bike and injured him in the first place. (AC/Portland Oregonian)?...Apparently when an ambulance injures you, giving you a free ride to the hospital is not the least they can do. Swimming in the Bathtub:?Cole Taschman was surfing at Florida¡¯s Bathtub Beach when he looked back and saw a shark biting his legs. He was able to catch a wave back to shore, where his friends applied a tourniquet and got him to a hospital. Two surgeries and 93 stitches later, Taschman is recovering ¡ª and trying to crowdfund his medical bills. ¡°It¡¯s freaky,¡± he said. ¡°That¡¯s just the heaviest thing ever. You know, you think a lot about family and think a lot about, life. You know, it changes you.¡± He should know: this is the second time he¡¯s been bitten by a shark. The first time was 11 years ago, when a 4- to 5-foot-long blacktip reef shark bit his right hand ¡ª at Florida¡¯s Bathtub Beach. This time Taschman believes he was bitten by a a tiger or bull shark ¡ª that was 7- to 8-feet long. (MS/WPTV West Palm Beach)?...Clearly the first time it didn¡¯t quite change?everything. Big Boast:?The Campuestohan Highland Resort in Negros Occidental, Philippines, is crowing over getting recognition in Guinness World Records. ¡°The resort has its own ambulance, a tunnel of lights at night,¡± said owner Ricardo ¡®Cano Guapo¡¯ Tan, ¡°and the biggest playground in the Philippines.¡± So, what¡¯s the record? It¡¯s ¡°the largest building in the shape of a chicken,¡± he said. Yet the 6-storey building only has 15 guest rooms. (RC/Philippine Daily Inquirer)?...So like a typical giant cock, it really isn¡¯t that impressive an accomplishment.
Split Verdict
Who Gets the TikTok in the Divorce? The Messy Fight Over Valuable Social Media Accounts
Wall Street Journal headline
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Direct link:?
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Virginia," age 27, lives with her boyfriend, "Ray," on the East Coast and teaches kindergarten. Last month, she confided that she had caught him cheating. She saw texts on his phone. When she confronted him, Ray immediately confessed and was very apologetic, but he also kept the woman's number in his phone. Ray will soon be moving to another state, and her job will end in about three weeks. Virginia is seriously considering going with him and has also mentioned marriage. Her mother and I are divorced due to her mother's infidelity, but we agree that we will counsel her not to stay with him. Although he took responsibility, cheating is destructive in any serious relationship. I have gone back and forth with Virginia via email, but sometimes she stops communicating. I haven't been harsh, but I did ask her why Ray would keep the other woman's number unless he wanted to remain in contact with her. Can you think of anything else a worried dad can do to help the situation? Obviously, Virginia can ignore parental advice and do what she wants. I am also wondering what I can say to Ray when I see him next. I neither want to give him a pass nor condemn him as a monster.?-- STRONG DAD IN CALIFORNIA DEAR DAD:?Talk with your daughter, face-to-face if possible. Tell her that, as an adult, she can do what she wants, but as a caring parent, you cannot stay silent. Remind her that Ray kept the other woman's number, which means he intends at some point to contact her. Explain that, to you, this means he is less committed to your daughter than he should be. As to what you might say to Virginia's boyfriend, tell him you are disgusted by his selfishness and dishonesty, and he doesn't deserve your daughter. If you have any more thoughts on the subject you would like to share, feel free to air them.
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DEAR ABBY: What would you say about a man who offered his wife's siblings an all-expense-paid trip to Paris, knowing that his wife could not consider going on such a trip because of mobility issues? Full disclosure: The husband and wife have been to Paris in the past (when the wife's health was OK), but the husband feels the need to go again and has no one else to accompany him. His wife will be left home alone to fend for herself. Somehow, this whole deal leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Please set me straight.?-- HOMEBODY IN NORTH CAROLINA DEAR HOMEBODY:?People with physical disabilities travel internationally all the time. If the husband has the money to take his wife's siblings on an all-expense paid trip to Paris, surely he could afford to take his wife and a caregiver with him on that trip down memory lane. That way, she would be looked after and still be able to enjoy the trip to the degree that she's able. Has no one suggested it besides me? |
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