Daily Clean Jokes for November 23, 2024? ? ?
Kirk's Pun
THE MATHEMATICS OF RELATIONSHIPS They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to get skewed.??The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair.??From then on it was a continuous function.??They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel.??She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum.??They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion.??They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit.??After that they slept like logs.??Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. It seemed as though she was from another dimension. Things just weren't adding up.??They diverged.??That was a real plus because he needed to get her out of his domain.??She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he did a cosine on a loan for his son, Ray.
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A Fact to Make You Laugh
A Butt Is a Unit of MeasurementIf we¡¯re talking imperial measurements, a ¡°butt¡± is a?. And while this form of ¡°butt¡± is obsolete for most people, it¡¯s still used in wine and brewing contexts. In the wine world, a butt is around 108 imperial gallons (just under 500 liters, or around?), so it turns out that a buttload is¡ a buttload.
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 David LettermanYou've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not New Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
- From AZquotes.com via Wayne Onaka and GCFL ________________________________________________
A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek.
¡°Are you wiping off my kiss?¡± she asked.
¡°No¡±, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, ¡°I¡¯m just rubbing it in!¡±
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Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin. Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same two men in the same truck with the same penguin again.
He stops them and says, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this animal to a zoo yesterday?"
The driver replies, "We did officer! We are taking him to the movies today."
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Thought Of The Day: Well Done "Well done is better than well said."
- Benjamin Franklin ________________________________________________
Unbelievably TRUE - You can't make this stuff up
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We could use these signs!
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Stop Redundancy The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.? This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition. -----
Staff Meeting Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us. The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close. The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.? Moses: Does anyone have a solution? Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand. Moses: You! You have a solution? The PR Man -- No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament! ----
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
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We could all use a little magic in our lives sometimes, and Guillermo is here to help. Sponsored by M¨¦nage ¨¤ Trois Wines. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. |
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DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you printed a letter from a grandmother who said she was changing her will because neither her adult children nor her grandchildren ever wrote her thank-you notes when she sent a gift. I had taught my son the importance of writing thank-you notes, but he wasn't doing a very good job of completing the process. I cut out the letter from your column and sent it to him. Boy, what a difference it made. He was recently married, and many people have told me what heartfelt thank-you notes they received in a timely manner and how much they were appreciated. He recently had a birthday, and every person who wished him well got a written thank-you. Abby, please continue to remind your readers about the importance of thankfulness and kindness and what that means to others. Entitlement has gotten way out of hand. Handwritten thank-you notes are NOT old-fashioned. They lift the giver's heart. Thank you. -- TAMARA IN CALIFORNIA DEAR TAMARA: The subject of thank-you notes is one of the most common complaints I receive from readers. Some people put off writing them because they have difficulty expressing themselves via the written word, don't know what to say or are afraid they'll say the wrong thing. I advise readers to have a notebook handy when they open gifts and jot down the first words that come to mind when they see what's inside. For some reason, they mistakenly believe a thank-you must be long and flowery when, in fact, short and to the point is more effective. Do they like the color? The style? Is the gift something they've been wanting? Write it down and use it for inspiration! My Letters booklet contains samples of thank-you notes for birthday gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts and those that arrive at holiday time. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. You will find it also contains sample letters of congratulations as well as for difficult subjects, such as the loss of a parent, spouse or a child. Many readers have told me my booklet has served as a valuable tool in teaching their children basic good manners.
DEAR ABBY: I am elderly and stuck in a miserable marriage. The romance is long gone. We live as roommates. If I were to die tomorrow, I don't think anyone would miss me. I'm partially disabled, and it is difficult for me to get out on my own. Must I accept life as it is, or should I kick his butt out? -- HOPELESS IN TEXAS DEAR HOPELESS: If you are financially dependent upon your husband or need his help for personal needs, I do not recommend "kicking his butt out." Contact your nearest senior center and ask what activities are offered in your community, including transportation for seniors or people with disabilities. If you do, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover you are not as isolated as you think.
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Petty Stuff... So What?!
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