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Sweet potato's a fake, in a jam;

Tries to hide from the law, has to scram.

????????????It is running away,

????????????Causing people to say

That it's just a?sham?yam?on the?lam.

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Carol and Jim got it.

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Kirk Miller

You never should take rocks for granite.??I once had a guest bed that was like a rock.??It created a lot of hard feelings.

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My friend escaped the FBI by dressing as a woman and skipping the country. Last I heard, he was still abroad.

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The rocket lost his job. He left work early to go to launch, so he was fired.

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A dry cleaner was indicted with charges pressed for money laundering.??A deal is being ironed out.

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A flea market dealer was found to be selling unlicensed stuffed animals and unauthorized copies of MGM movies.??He was charged with selling sham poohs and faux Leos.??During the raid he faked a heart attack, which added a charge of false arrest.

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The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to:

Single__, Married__, Divorced___ .

I marked single. Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.

Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."

?ArcaMax One-Liners

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!

Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

Save time . . . see it my way.

The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.

People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.?

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!"

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Tommy and Math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.?

With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

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Bangety Bang Bang!

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.?

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

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Excerpts from Classified Sections of City Newspapers

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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.?

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.?

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

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Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

Seen on a birthday card.

Forget about the past. You can't change it.

Forget about the future. You can't predict it.

Inside:

Forget about the present. I didn't buy you one.