You have to hand it to palm readers.
Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.
The King of the Jungle put on a crown of flowers.??He changed his mind, however, when he was accused of acting like a dandy lion.
The men convalescing at a veterans' hospital during World War II were encouraged to use a nearby golf course.
Not all of the patients were strong enough to complete nine holes, but most of them managed to make it to the fifth fairway, which adjoined a tomato farm. These "off the vine" tomatoes were about the most delicious things the men had ever tasted.
Consequently, much grumbling accompanied the installation of fence posts along the farm's property line.
But imagine the vets' delight the next morning when, instead of the fence they expected, they found a saltshaker atop each post.
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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Why did the Turkey snicker alongside the stuffing?
It was an inside joke.
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Baby Billy was sitting in his mother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Billy asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his mother replied.
"That's cool!" Billy said. "Are you going to hang it next to the bear?"
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Thought Of The Day:
Happiness By Choice
"Happiness is not by chance but by choice."
- Jim Rohn
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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
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Jail Mail
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant
them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where
I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house,
and dug up all the back garden."?
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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Bottle of Wine
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open
a bottle of wine.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the
trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The
old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.?
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
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More New Drugs on the Market
Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.?
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Original Airdate: September 27th, 1973
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By Michael Roizen, M.D.?
A full quarter of adults in this country are lying down on the job -- well, sitting down mostly. But regardless of how they're positioned, they're not active enough
to protect their health or longevity.
It may surprise you that a new study shows the solution to a sedentary lifestyle isn't to simply stand up more. It turns out that folks who trade a sit-down desk for a stand-up one, for example, but don't move much from that upright position, aren't doing themselves
any favors.
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DEAR ABBY: I've been living with someone for four years. When we started living together, his son "Byron" was incarcerated. Byron is 33 and has been in trouble since he was 15. His dad keeps bailing him out. I used two of my credit cards to help raise the $11,000
bail to get him out of jail. In exchange, Byron agreed to put on a new roof for us and help around the house.
Byron has completed none of the tasks that were asked of him, and his dad keeps helping him anyway. We had to pay Byron's rent at the rehab so he wouldn't be kicked out. This has created a rift between me and my boyfriend, who thinks I'm being selfish and greedy.
Am I wrong for no longer wanting to help financially? We got along great until this happened.
-- DOING TIME, TOO, IN ALABAMA
DEAR DOING TIME: Byron is the person he is because his father has enabled him since he was a child. You are neither selfish nor greedy for refusing to give more money. Forgive me if this seems harsh, but unless you want to continue
to be emotionally blackmailed by your boyfriend, get out now before you are drained financially.
DEAR ABBY: I have no problem driving at night, but I prefer to stay home rather than go out. Truth be told, I don't like to be out after 4 or 5 p.m. Yes, I miss a lot of social activities, but I don't mind.
The problem is friends and acquaintances who, when they find out I'm not going out at night, instantly offer to pick me up because they are kind and gracious. No matter how many times I explain that it's not the driving, it's that I prefer not to be out at
night, it falls on deaf ears.
I know I'm lucky to have sweet friends who volunteer to drive me, but I'm tired of explaining myself. Because I don't want to insult anyone, can you suggest a polite way to turn these folks down? Nothing I've said so far has worked, including saying, "It's
not the driving. I don't go out at night." -- HOMEBODY IN FLORIDA
DEAR HOMEBODY: Perhaps you should state your message a little more emphatically by saying, "I don't think you understand. It's not the driving, it's that I am uncomfortable going out after dark. Please don't ask me again because
my answer isn't going to change."
DEAR ABBY: My wife's family has a history of breast cancer. She has had several MRIs and biopsies, which have caused a great deal of discomfort and stress. She is now going in for a lumpectomy. I'm beginning to think it may be better to have her breasts removed.
I didn't marry her boobs; I married the woman behind them. What do you think? -- PROACTIVE IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR PROACTIVE: I'm sure you love her, but I think you should support your wife emotionally and let this decision be something that's decided between her and her doctors.
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