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Daily Clean Jokes for February 14, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Chiropractor school's been a big bust. With results I am very nonplussed. It's much harder than I Had expected, and sigh, But of late, I have learned to adjust. Conrad, Carol, Chris, Jim got it. Kirk Miller _ https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. Kirk's Puns Eliminating knives leaves only a spoon and a fork, and they just don't cut it. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. During his air test, a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors. Every calendar's days are numbered. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink. He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person. __________________________________________________________________________________________ WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING When you thought I wasn't looking you hung my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another. When you thought I wasn't looking you fed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking you baked a birthday cake just for me, and I knew that little things were special things. When you thought I wasn't looking you said a prayer, and I believed there was a God that I could always talk to. When you thought I wasn't looking you kissed me good-night, and I felt loved. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt--but that it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking you smiled, and it made me want to look that pretty, too. When you thought I wasn't looking you cared, and I wanted to be everything I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking - I looked . . . and wanted to say thanks for all those things you did when you thought I wasn't looking. >>>Today's Thot You're only as pretty as you treat people. Received from Mikey's Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Really Stupid Laws All of the following laws are real. (Apparently, they were passed long ago and nobody ever got around to nipping them in the bud.) California It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. Women may not drive in a house coat. New Jersey You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only. In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant. New York It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. The penalty for jumping off a building is death. Florida It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Ohio Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. It is illegal to get a fish drunk. Kansas Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. No one may catch fish with his bare hands. Oklahoma Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. Alabama It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Wisconsin In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. Virginia It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed. Received from FranCMT2 via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ "Point" is not a pun here. As Dave Guggenheim might note, point "means what it means". That's right, you've been katana technicality. This string has enough errors we should re pair them, or should we switch to another point of view? Speaking of another point of view reminds me of the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings. It’s a matter of a pinion. In that Case I am Open to rePairing . since Amazon drops are also being limited for knives are the de

Kirk's Limericks Student cries, "Grade of F - Unlawful!" The professor, he hopes, will waffle On the essay's poor grade. Prof said No, and then bade Him goodbye, remarked, "Thesis awful!" Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns The S&M fetishist stood up in the bar and announced that she could whip any man in the house. Lead story in Italian newspaper, year 1550: Due to unpaid taxes, the Italian government puts a lien on the Tower of Pisa. Our library has so many books that they had to put it in a multi-story building. After he hailed the taxi, it had a number of small, rounded dents in the yellow-painted metal. She stole the policeman's heart, so he made a cardiac arrest. ----- Haiku du jour (inspired by Kirk): The drill auditioned For a hardware commercial. It got a bit part ... Chris Gross ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner The secret to a clean kitchen is simple - Don't cook. Ever. ----- Quote-of-the-Day "The colour of springtime is in the flower. The colour of winter is in the imagination." - Ward Elliot Hour ----- Ghandi Pun Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little, and often fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He came to be known as a.... "Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Washington DC Metro Station Social Experiment “In Washington DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, a man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about four minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule. About four minutes later, the violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk. At six minutes, a young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again. At ten minutes, a three-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly. At forty-five minutes: The musician played continuously. Only six people stopped and listened for a short while. About twenty gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32. After one hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all. No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music. This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities. This experiment raised several questions: In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? If so, do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent

Daily Clean Jokes for February 12, 2025 Kirk's Limerick On the tennis court, don't let sneering Make you cry. Just keep persevering. When you miss a high lob, Try real hard not to sob To avoid charge of racket tearing. Chris, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Cartoon Puns ----- All Senate Confirmation Votes Delayed Until Mitch McConnell Unfreezes Again Politics·Feb, 2025 · BabylonBee.com WASHINGTON, D.C. — The senate was forced to delay further confirmation votes for Trump's cabinet this week, clarifying that all votes would go ahead as planned once Mitch McConnell unfreezes again. McConnell, who serves as the Senate Majority Whip in Congress, has frozen a number of times while delivering public statements, leading to widespread concern that he was not up to the job and should step down. But instead of doing that, he has soldiered on only to freeze again and disrupt the entire cabinet confirmation process. "What a hero," said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer. "He's always been an inspiration to me. It gives me hope that I can still be serving when I'm 140 years old and bedridden." Not everyone in Congress feels the same way. Senators Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, in particular, have spoken up about McConnell's infirmities and noted they don't even need him for every vote. But Schumer says Republicans need to relax and wait. "So the worst that could happen is we interfere with Trump's work and prevent him from implementing policies in other government departments. That sounds like a win in my book," said Schumer. At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had been put in a display case to greet visitors at the National Archives until such time as he reawakens. ----- The Burger King Calls On Senators To Vote Against RFK Jr. U.S.·Feb 7, 2025 · BabylonBee.com BURGER KING CASTLE — The Burger King issued an edict from his throne this week and urged senators to vote against confirming Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services. "Countrymen! Hear me, hear me!" the Burger King declared. "I beseech you from the bottom of my buns to throw off your vote and vanquish this hater of our kingdom to the outer realms of our fair land. Please, don't let this char-grilled charlatan usurp power from our burger-loving brethren. Vote nay!" The Burger King also released a flurry of statements on X, most of them written in emojis using the fries, burger, and frowny-face icons. "I watched his confirmation hearing," the Burger King continued. "I don't understand what his beef is with our company. There was not one nugget of truth to his scurrilous claims. Everything that came out of his mouth was one whopper after another. He must be rejected!" Kennedy defended his nomination and asked the Burger King to please reconsider his position. "I love a good french fry. Just cook them in beef tallow," Kennedy responded. "And use real meat and whole foods in your products. And please stop sending swarms of these enchanted flying pickles to my house… how are these things even real?" At publishing time, the Burger King had descended from his burger castle to resume his decades-long military campaign against Ronald McDonald and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. ----- Kirk Miller's True News Every Kid Wants to Be a Firefighter: A Los Angeles P.D. officer patrolling California’s Palisades Fire evacuation area — the fire is still ongoing — reported a firetruck to the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department as suspicious. Deputies found it and pulled it over. The two people inside, a man and a woman, were dressed in full firefighter regalia, and said they were from the “Roaring River Fire Department” in Oregon. That confirmed suspicions: the truck bore a California license plate, and there is no such fire department in Oregon. Dustin Nehl, 31, and Jennifer Nehl, 44, a married couple, are apparently not firefighters. Dustin, in fact, served 5 years in an Oregon prison — for an arson spree. The fire truck? It was retired 30 years ago, and sold at auction.

Daily Clean Jokes for February 11, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Letter carrier sports a fa?ade; She cross-dresses. Police do not laud What she chooses to wear, And at first they do stare, Then arrest her. The charge is male fraud. Carol, Conrad, Chris, Jim got it. Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. The queen's favorite chef was knighted Sir Loin. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason Today's One-Liners: If regular guys ruled the world, tanks would be far easier to rent. Yesterday a friend gave me a plant and said that on the day it blooms, I'll meet my soulmate. Today it was eaten by my cat._______________________________________________________________________________________ Top 17 Inspirational Messages Not Heard at Work 17) There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up". (16) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. (15) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. (14) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. (13) If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. (12) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who oppose them. (11) We put the "k" in "kwality". (10) 2 days without a human rights violation. (9) Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?". (8) We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. (7) If at first you don't succeed, try management. (6) Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. (5) The beatings will continue until morale improves. (4) Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. (3) If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. (2) Plagiarism saves time... And the #1 Inspirational Message Never Heard At Work: (1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ----- The Cheesy Showdown Medieval Knight 1: "Why are you attacking me with that block of cheddar?" Medieval Knight 2: "It's extra sharp." ----- Cheaper Insurance Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower." My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts." ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. point you make with them. Received from Pastor Tim. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Year-long Argument (pun) A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hearing talks from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation society use the hall for their performance. It just goes to show that "actors speak louder than nerds!" Received from The Daily Groaner via GCFL.. __________________________________________________________________________________________ It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two

Daily Clean Jokes for February 10, 2024 LAUGHTER FOR A MONDAY PROBLEMS Tom was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Tom replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter?" Tom replied, "The same place you got your silly train!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ GENERATION GAP Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked. "It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings." "Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve." Received from Clean Humor Digest _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on base. So one morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with our instruments. Turns out one of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general--we had almost played for the weather forecast. --Contributed to "Humor in Uniform" by David Yost Received from: America In Uniform _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SERVING UP LAWYERS A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a leash, and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and Leroy here'll have a lawyer!" Received from Teddi's Humor _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel." -- Scott Wood _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class." Received from: Clean Laffs _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ BEST SERVICE A Soldier, a Marine, and an Airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other. Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask, "Which Branch of Service is the best?" St. Peter replied, "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him." Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows: "Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are Honorable and Noble." Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that." (signed) GOD, USN (Ret.) Received from Pastor Tim's PearlyGates List _________________________________

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Daily Clean Jokes for February 9, 2025 Kirk's Limerick Audiologist was quite precise: Get a hearing aid; that's the device That will end hearing strife. In agreement, my wife Said she thought that it was sound advice. Chris and Jim got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. --- Kirk's Puns My uncle Jubal would have an absolute hissy fit whenever aunt Cora forgot to make toast for his breakfast. He was extremely lack toast intolerant. An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight. When the drill bit was invented, it was a real turning point. The traffic was so heavy that the cardiologist decided to take a by-pass. My wife is such a hypochondriac. I get sick just thinking about it. ----- Aw, Man: Columbia Student Just Graduated With DEI Degree NEW YORK CITY — Prospects have dimmed considerably for local woman Violet Weber, who just graduated in December from Columbia with a degree in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Studies. With DEI programs being abolished across the country, the outlook for people trained to root out neo-colonial white power structures has never been worse. "Really, really poor timing here," sighed Weber as she filled out another Wendy's application. "There's just no one interested any more in learning how to be less white and more gay. It was such good business in 2021." After spending four years and $250,000 earning her degree, Weber nearly landed a job learning how to make pickles for a local pickler, but was ultimately beat out by a hobo who had more business experience. "It's been so disheartening," said Weber. "I offered to help make their pickles more queer-friendly, but the guy just stared at me. He seemed totally uninterested in a business-wide evaluation of how his three employees could dismantle the colonialism inherent in the pickling business. Such a loss." At publishing time, Weber had been spotted out on the street corner holding a sign reading "Will call you racist for food." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front. Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say. The woman replied, "Sorry. We can't hear in the back." Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Plow Funny It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when John (not the sharpest pencil in the batch) got off work. He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation. He finally remembered his dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and he started to follow it. As he followed the snow plow, he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signaled for him to roll down his window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time. John said that he was fine and told him of his dad's advice to follow a snow pl

Daily Clean Jokes for February 8, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: "During childbirth, you push and you shove," Said Nichole. "I know what I speak of 'Cause I've done it before. Even though it's a chore, I must say it's a labor of love." (Kirk Miller) Quote of the Day: Ice cream is happiness condensed. -- Jessi Lane Adams Today's One-Liner: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. All my relatives know that I refold the wrapping paper from my Christmas presents for reuse later. "Auntie," asked one of my young nieces, "why do you save all that paper?" "I'm doing what's best for the environment," I replied. "So I'm recycling." "Good thing you didn't ask that question five years ago," my daughter interrupted. "Then she was just plain cheap." Submitted to Reader's Digest by Oksanna Gudz Quick Jokes A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ----- These two women were riding in a car and one of them kept clearing her throat. Finally, she says, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I must have a frog in my throat." The other woman says, "Well don't swallow it. They're fattening." Received from Laugh & Lift q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y "If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets." -- Mel Brooks "When in doubt, tell the truth." -- Mark Twain "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." -- Dorothy Bernard ----- b i t s . n . b o b s *-- THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 Years Old --* 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 4. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. 9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. 14. You sing along with the elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. Received from The Mouthpiece Appreciated The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the better part of her life with the company. Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it. Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!" "Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they simply want to show how much you are appreciated." "Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am NOT going to clean up after a mess like that!" ----- Always take time to stop and smell Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun. SPORTS ARE UNFAIR TO THE AGED By Larry Sluss When I was young I could watch basketball and even soccer, though it was a little too foreign, and I could figure out all the moves. But I slowed down a bit and switched to American football since there were many seconds between plays. But that caught up with me so I switched to baseball since there could be several minutes between plays. But then I started going to sleep between the plays and lost whole innings. What to do? I finally settled on solitaire. If I fall asleep between drawing cards, the game is the same when I wake up. ------------------ Copyright 2014 Larry Sluss. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. ----- No matter how hard you h

Clean Jokes for Friday, February 7, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Of course I do." she answered, "I take my knitting and a magazine.." Quote of the Day: "An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides." -- John H. Patterson Today's One-Liner: What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Flesh? Quick Joke One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. :) :) Received from Laugh & Lift Clean Laffs "Not quite as good news for the pet supply chain PetSmart, which may soon be sold to a larger company. Or as they told their employees, 'Your jobs are going to a farm upstate.'" -- Jimmy Fallon "In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu, and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he'd taught to fire a gun." -- Conan O'Brien ----- When his auto mechanic came in for a operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him. "Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is..." *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?" "Maybe," replied beautician, "does he still drink a lot?" Received from Clean Laffs Life Insurance Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of an insurance policy with the clerk at the insurance agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence." Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL. After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the DMV." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going directly back to the DMV?" Received from Jo Anne Breitmeyer There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night ... The skunk says, "Don't look at me. I haven't got a scent." The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders." The deer says, " I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon." The frog says,

Daily Clean Jokes for February 6, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee. Quote of the Day: “The best way to knock the chip off your neighbor's shoulder is to pat him on the back.” -- Unknown Today's One-Liner: The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. Quick Jokes "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ----- A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design. "It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama." Received from Laugh & Lift Please feel welcome to forward this email to your friends, inviting them to become a member of the Daily Clean Jokes family! To SUBSCRIBE: dailycleanjokes-subscribe@... Clean Laffs "Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of what? Chicken feet. Because they're tainted. Well, there goes my cookout." -- Dave Letterman "According to an anthropologist from the University of Hawaii, who spent years studying this, Hello Kitty is not actually a cat. I hope the anthropologist was studying other stuff, too." -- Jimmy Kimmel "A new study found that having a big wedding boosts your chance of having a good marriage. While having a destination wedding boosts your chance of having friends who hate you." -- Jimmy Fallon ----- What The New Job-Lingo Really Means * JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you. * CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. * MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. * SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend. * DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around. * MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control. * CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). * NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. * SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left. * PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. * REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. * GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....MOLASSES!" Received from Clean Laffs Defrosting the Turkey We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey. Our daughter turned to my wife and said, "Mom, you always did it that way." "Yes," my wife replied, "but you don't have a cat!" ----- I am a nutritional overachiever. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun. Thought for the Day "Doctors say that cheerful people resist disease be

Daily Clean Jokes for February 5, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: Grammar walks into a Bar Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave. A Question mark walks into a bar? Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink. The bar was walked into by the passive voice. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. A synonym ambles into a pub. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink. A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything. A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty. Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor. A group of homophones wok inn two a bar. Quote of the Day: WHO SAID IT? QUOTE: "The problems of puzzles are very near the problems of life." ANSWER: Erno Rubik. RANDOM TIDBITS A Hungarian by the name of Erno Rubik invented the Cube in the spring of 1974. He created it as a working model to help explain three-dimensional geometry, and this led to the creation of the world's best selling toy. At the peak of the Rubik's Cube craze, an estimated one-fifth of the world's population had played the Cube. Rubikcubism is an avant-garde artistic movement in which Rubik's cubes are used as a medium to create art. In May 2007, Thibaut Jacquinot of France became the first person to complete the Cube in less than 10 seconds in open competition. Erik Akkersdijik set the current world record for a single solve at the 2008 Czech Open with a time of 7.08 seconds. In 1981, a seven-year-old Norwegian boy named Lars-Erik Anderson was one of the youngest Cube solvers. Initially, Rubik considered variations of a 2 x 2 x 2 in cube, but concluded that the simplest and most workable model was the 3 x 3 x 3 in cube. Today's One-Liner: Warning: You are entering a Redneck Area ... You may encounter American flags, American citizens, the Lord's Prayer and Country Music. Travel at your own risk. Things a true Southerner knows: - The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit. - Pretty much how many fish make up a mess. - What general direction cattywumpus is. - That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar. - When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long. - Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!! - A good dog is worth its weight in gold. - Real gravy don't come from the store. - When "by and by" is. - Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. - A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up. - Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers. - Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons. Received from Laugh & Lift Clean Laffs Good morning crew, Does nothing last? Is nothing permanent? How can a man feel secure in his place in the universe if everything around him is ephemeral? Today we had a new company picture taken (if you check www.pulsetv.com it might even be up already), so yesterday I went to get a haircut so I don't look like some kind of shaggy hippie on the company website. Now, I go to this one place in particular because I know there are two girls there who know how to cut my hair the way I like it. I know this because I spent years going from place to place until I found a stylist I could actually trust around my head with a pair of scissors. I have been going there for three or four years now, so I have even been able to coach a second girl to cut my hair correctly. But when I went there yesterday what did I discover? Both girls left. Both! So, in keeping with my history of bad decision making I let one of the new girls attack my head with, I don't know what she was using...pruning shears or something, and she delivered a catastrophe of truly nightmarish proportions. I look like a Picasso painting. It's just not fair. Hair stylists should be like doctors; you shou

Daily Clean Jokes for Tuesday, February 4, 2025 Today's Clean Pun: A bird breeder, who dealt with only species that are normally wild, not parrots, canaries, or parakeets, had a difficult life, getting up early to feed all his charges, never taking a vacation, working hard, and yet he enjoyed his life. When the local newspaper interviewed him for a feature story, they asked him if he was sorry about the life he'd chosen for himself. His reply? "I have no egrets." Quote of the Day: It's kind of fun to do the impossible -- Walt Disney Today's One-Liner: There's a dumb ass on your computer between the Y and I ... Look A VIRUS I'm too lazy to program a real virus, so here you go: This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation. Received from Laugh & Lift Nail Biting Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For one woman, it's biting her fingernails. One day she told her husband about the latest solution: press-on nails. "Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box." ----- When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth's Good Clean Fun. A Bathroom 'Funny' On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" Forwarded by Gretchen Patti ----- When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, uphill, often in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus. Received from Mikey's Funnies A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of The mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window . . . "I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming." ----- Today's Riddle: My first is often at the front door. My second is found in the cereal family. My third is what most people want. My whole is one of the United States. Answer: MATRIMONY [mat rye money] Which is certainly a `united state`! Received from Da Mouse Tracks Baptism At Immanuel Lutheran Church in Avilla. Indiana, the summer Sunday school includes students of all ages. Recently the topic was the baptism of Lydia and the feast that was held to celebrate. One of the students asked if they had cookies and cakes. Connie, the teacher, said they probably didn't have cookies and cakes in Bible times but the food was probably very delicious because it was all fresh. "Like Subway!" first-grader Amelia VanGessel piped up. Received from Kidwarmers via Doc's Daily Chuckle Punnies Two friends should never do puzzles together. There's always the danger it might lead to crosswords. We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison What is the name of the immortal adolescent? Constantine! (Pun of the Day) Judges Joke A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd … Received from aJokeADay.com Oh, the Irony! Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get num

Daily Jokes for February 2, 2025 When I was a child my father raised me not to "sput". If I remember correctly that meant I should honor the Lord, not take his name in vain and all of that, to which I still agree. So I started to read this from Kirk and it seemed so spiritual and I thought I won't be able to use this because it was such a spiritual tribute to a bishop, no less. But in the end, it was such a wonderful play on words, I decided I had to use it: I don't know who the next pope will be, but I know there is one particularly qualified and distinguished man who will not be selected. Bishop Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in the Hague. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm. Still enscripted, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rites to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion. After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished. In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe, when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his seniority, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rites to those who would never escape. He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers. Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue -- a condition known as purpura -- that persists to this day. Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy. Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader. Received from Kirk Miller. ----- Today's Clean Pun: A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. Quote of the Day: "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware." -- Joan Rivers Today's One-Liner: The reason members of Congress try so hard to get re-elected is that they could not make a living under the laws they've passed. Quick Jokes My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D" "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight.

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Daily Clean Jokes for February 1, 2024 Kirk's Limerick During roll call, sick soldier does sneeze. Due to shortness of breath, he does wheeze. Doesn't feel very good; No surprise that he would At that moment just feel ill at ease. Chris, Jim, Conrad got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns Pope John Paul was okay, I guess, but it seems to me he did an awful lot of pontificating. All those new television shows about extreme makeovers and plastic surgeons are starting to raise a few eyebrows around here. A conference with the IRS is a taxing proposition. Death and taxes go hand in hand. Taxes are murder, and murder is taxing. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ----- Thanks To Trump Ending DEI, The Babylon Bee Is Finally Able To Fire Its Only Female Writer The Babylon Bee would like to publicly thank President Donald Trump for making good on his promise to get rid of all those DEI rules, allowing us to take immediate action and fire our only female writer. We were sick of her not being funny but needed a good reason to get rid of her without having all those DEI employment people breathing down our necks. The office is going to go back to what it was intended to be in the first place: a gentleman's club full of fine cigars, strong beer, darts, a billiards table, and maybe we'll even get one of those armchairs that recline fully and has drink holders on both sides. We were forced to hire a girl writer after the Biden administration mandated all places of businesses have at least one woman on staff. She wasn't even that funny; here are a few of her more recent headline pitches: "Men Are Always Leaving The Toilet Seat Up" (that was the whole joke) "Trump Gifts Melania That New Set Of Throw Pillows She's Been Eyeing For Mother's Day (Hint Hint Sweetie)" "Wife Asks Sensible, Relevant, Not-At-All-Stupid Question During Movie" "Man Asks For Epidural So He Doesn't Have To Say Encouraging Things While Wife Is In Labor" (Ok that one's sort of funny) We're excited to go back to having only men on staff and have set up a rotating schedule for who has to take out the garbage, clean the bathrooms, and bring in freshly baked cookies every day as that was sort of the stuff the girl did when she was here. Meetings will now take 70% less time, we can turn the A/C up to normal temperatures, and we will be converting the women's restroom into a game room. God bless you, President Trump. Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Steadfast In My Beliefs A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you." The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them." ----- Power of Advertising During a recent session of family court the wife was asked, "Why did you throw the pot of geraniums at your husband?" "Because of the advertising, your honor." "What advertising?" "Say it with flowers." ----- Thought Of The Day: He's Looking Down On Us “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” -- Jack Whitehall ----- One Minute Birthday Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute? It was his sixty-second birthday. ----- Bold Request A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." ----- Thought Of The Day: Love At First Sight “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” -- Halley Reed from “Crimes and Misdemeanors” Received from aJokeADay. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes for January ... brrr ... 31, 2025 Kirk's Limerick He played cards New Year's Eve; didn't win, But his face always wore a big grin, 'Cause he drank like a fish. And he got his one wish, Which was playing a game he called Gin! Lee, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk's Puns He decided to concentrate lesson history and moron himself. I took pictures of a wheat field and wanted to put them in a round frame. I had to crop circles. I once went to a party dressed as a skeleton, but there was no body to dance with. A policeman was there who accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover. A girl and her boyfriend went to the party dressed as a barcode. They were an item. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ One Minute Birthday Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute? It was his sixty-second birthday. ----- Bold Request A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." ----- Thought Of The Day: Love At First Sight “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” - Halley Reed from “Crimes and Misdemeanors” Received from aJokeADay. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, 'I gotta find that blind guy. I'm in a lot of trouble if I don't find him." -- Jimmy Fallon "A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -- Jimmy Kimmel "Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming supplies at an airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as 'single.'" -- Seth Meyers ----- A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied. By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" "I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town." ----- *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Q and A QuickiesQ: What did Neptune say to Saturn? A: Give me a ring sometime! Q: Why did the stoplight turn red? A: Wouldn't you if you had to change in the middle of the street? ----- It's A Two Cow Joke Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. Daisy exclaimed, "It's true, no bull!" ----- More Q and A QuickiesQ: What do you call a traveling