Daily Jokes and Comics for October 22, 2024
Daily Jokes and Comics?
for October 22, 2024? ??
Kirk's Puns? ??
Bring me a rubber band and make it snappy! ? A fat guy in a Speedo decided to become a streaker, but he was unable to pull it off. ? The doctor would recover from his injuries, but was having trouble being patient. ? The 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 were constantly arguing and always at odds. ? Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused -- not that she suffered from dementia or anything -- she simply was a bit "blonde."??She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.??One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening.??When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano."??Holmes replied, "Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."
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Kirk's Limericks
Railway company is unfettered. Their performance is great, not chequered. ????????????All their work is the best. ????????????I suppose you have guessed That the firm has a?good?track?record. ? Conrad and Carol and Jim and Bill got it. ? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Today's One-Liner
I had my patience tested; I'm negative.
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Quote
"If your plan is for 1 year, plant rice. If your plan is for 10 years, plant trees. If your plan is for 100 years, educate children." - Confucius
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Holiday Buns on Fire
Stop, drop, and pass the rolls!
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Banking Hiccup
While waiting in line at the bank, a friend developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. "Why not?" my friend asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000." "It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!" "Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
~~ Faith, Healing, Prayer Answered "No" I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith ..." issue. I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed." The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?" "Yes I do," she replied. "Then the next time someone says that, hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'" ?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
----- Autumn
Warm sunlight caresses a pathway of gold
The beauty of Autumn with colours so bold
The hues of the sumac, the crimson and brown
Each leaf like a whisper falls soft to the ground The Fall is alluring and yet it won¡¯t last
The salmon are spawning, the shadow is cast
The birds sing their warning and wing their way south
The squirrels are stuffing their bellies and mouth It¡¯s time for warm sweaters and firm hiking shoes
Go map out a trail there¡¯s no time to lose
The long days are waning and summer¡¯s no more
Each season still blesses with more to explore -- Susan Page
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DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.? Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time. The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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Here are three words that sum up about our life: ?it goes on.
Know Who You Are
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Daily Clean Jokes with Comics for October 21, 2024 *
| Daily Clean Jokes & Comics for October 21, 2024
A Taste Funny? ? ? ?
A woman isn't feeling well and goes into Urgent Care:
Nurse: "have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?"
Patient: "No, I've always dressed this way."
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
Children are like pancakes. The first one always comes out a little weird.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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School of AgricultureThe school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
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Computers and Cars
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.? 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. ----- This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and - while the photographer developed the pictures - he took off with the cash register.
Leaving behind, of course, the pictures of himself. ----- I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:
"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work."
An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:
"Resume all unnecessary work."
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Holmes and Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?" "I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.? "I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent." ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Daily Jokes _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Men are like fine wine ...
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
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I went to the doctor the other day and complained about my sore feet.
He said: ¡°Gout!¡±
I said: ¡°But I¡¯ve only just walked in!¡±
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Thought Of The Day:??Well Balanced Perspective ¡°In order to maintain a well balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.¡±
- Peterborough Examiner, Canada
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The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!
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A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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Thought Of The Day:??You Must Stay Drunk ¡°You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.¡±
¨D Ray Bradbury
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I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money...
I sent them my pay stub...
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Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.
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One day three doctors went to a convention together, on the way back, they noticed the car was slowing down. They got out and looked at the tires. The first doctor said "I think its flat."
The second felt it and said "It feels flat."
The third stares at it and says "It looks flat."
All of them, without taking their eyes off the wheel, shook their heads and said in unison, "We better run some tests."
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Thought Of The Day:??A Great Future ¡°A great future doesn¡¯t require a great past.¡±
Received from aJokeADay.
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DEAR ABBY: Recently, my wife and I and several other couples were houseguests in a large home. Among them was a couple who, when introduced, mentioned that the husband was a chiropractor. The following day, as we were all watching TV, my wife mentioned having neck and arm discomfort. The chiropractor offered to adjust her neck and back and they left. After 30 minutes, I became concerned. After an hour, other guests were raising their eyebrows. I checked the house and couldn't find them, but I didn't look in bedrooms with closed doors. After 90 minutes, I quietly asked his wife where they were, and she said in their bedroom. I requested she check on them, and they promptly came out. There wasn't a scene, but I was upset. I was later advised that my attitude about this was "inappropriate." I'd appreciate your take on the situation. -- DUMBFOUNDED IN GEORGIA DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: I don't think your attitude was inappropriate. You were uncomfortable because of your wife's long absence with another man while everyone else was mingling. That the chiropractor's wife knew where her husband and your wife were suggests to me there was nothing for you to worry about, but your feelings were your feelings, and under the circumstances, you were entitled to them.
DEAR ABBY: My parents live with my husband and me. I have a horrible relationship with my brother. He has always been demeaning, cruel and emotionally abusive to me. When my brother attacks, he goes for the jugular. Whenever I must have contact with him, I get so upset I can't sleep for days. My husband and I have decided to cut him out of our lives, but my elderly mother will not accept that. When I tell her I can't see him, she shakes and cries for days. She says family forgives anything and everything, and I just have to put up with it. Is that true? -- HURT IN INDIANA DEAR HURT: Of course not! Stop telegraphing your plans to your mother, and stay away from your abuser. While you're doing that, remember that dear old Mom is responsible for her own feelings, and her tears and tremors stop when she gets her own way. You are an adult. You do not have to please your mother. And relatives do not have to forgive the unforgivable just because they happen to be blood-related.
-DEAR ABBY: I have caught a close friend in several lies, small and big, over the past few years. Prior to this, we were close, but since these lies have piled up, I have pulled back. I don't trust her anymore and wonder how many more lies there are. My question is, should I just let the friendship fizzle, or does she deserve an explanation? -- TRUTH TELLER IN NEW JERSEY DEAR TRUTH TELLER: If she asks why your relationship is no longer as close as it once was, tell her the truth since you are the truth teller. Unless she initiates the conversation, I see nothing to be gained by confronting her and possibly creating a scene.
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 20, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 20, 2024? ? ?
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
>>>Today's Thot
Ate a box of Girl Scouts' Thin Mints cookies. Didn't get thinner. I don't think they work.
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Kirk's Puns
The problem with starting a monogram company is that it is difficult to have an initial success. ? Saw manufactures who are losing money have to make lots of cuts. ? A man spent his life collecting memorabilia about Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc, and Florence Nightingale.??He was a heroine addict. ? Some daze I just can't seem to focus.
?The ride ground to a halt with the couple in a hanging basket halfway up to the apex.??When it didn't resume its motion, the wife asked, "Do you think it is broken???Are we going to get to the top?"??Her husband replied, "Honey, I think this is as Ferris wheel get." ----- Limerick
New store owner is giving it a try, Hopes his merchandise quickly will fly ????????????Off the shelves of his store. ????????????That's what he's hoping for. Foresees customers easy?to?come?buy. ? Carol and Conrad got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.----- Just Itching to Tell You These
A dermatologist friend of mine started his career from scratch. ? I asked the doctor if he could cure my measles. He said he doesn¡¯t make rash promises. ? A friend is staying in a locked room until he gets through his rash. He hasn¡¯t broken out yet. ? A friend with a rash is worried about being stopped by the police and getting an on the spot fine. ? A friend has an illness that¡¯s given him a fever and a rash. At least his wifi is better with all the hot spots.
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Kirk's True News ? Nominative Determinism:?A man in Dungannon, Northern Ireland, was caught by a speed camera driving 100 mph in a 60 zone. It was fast enough that instead of the usual 65 pound (US$85) fine and 3 penalty points, he faced the suspension of his license, so he lawyered up and went before District Judge Peter Magill in Derry. His counsel admitted to the judge that his client¡¯s speed was ¡°very high,¡± but said he was heading from work to the airport to pick up his dear sweet mum. ¡°There was nojustification and that is fully appreciated, but he was struggling a bit for time and was anxious for his mother who was travelling alone,¡± the barrister argued. Judge Magill agreed ¡°there was a reason for rushing¡± and the speed exhibited by the driver, Tadeusz Moron, 55, was therefore not ¡°deliberately speeding.¡± No driving disqualification was thus levied, but Moron was fined 650 pounds plus 5 penalty points. (RC/Belfast Telegraph)?...And if he thinks that¡¯s steep, wait till he gets hisbarrister¡¯s bill. An Ectomy is An Ectomy:?Bill Bryan, 70, of Muscle Shoals, Ala., was hospitalized in Miramar Beach, Fla., with severe spleen problems. Dr. Thomas Shaknovsky performed a splenectomy and told nurse Beverly Bryan the spleen was so diseased that it was four times bigger than usual, and had ¡°migrated¡± to the other side of Bryan¡¯s body. Bryan died. The reason the ¡°spleen¡± was so different, wasn¡¯t disease: a medical examiner confirmed Bryan was missing a liver and still had a spleen ¡ª with acyst still attached. Bryan¡¯s family hopes to sue Shaknovsky, but Florida¡¯s ¡°free kill¡± law specifies that only surviving spouses and minor children can sue for malpractice on behalf of an adult patient, and they must go through a 6- to 9-month pre-suit process before they¡¯re allowed to file. The law is meant to prevent ¡°junk lawsuits¡± from clogging the courts, and to prevent increased medical care costs, but a malpractice lawyer says there¡¯s no evidence the legislation has impacted the cost ofhealth care in Florida. (MS/Pensacola News Journal)?...Only the ability to hold doctors accountable. Buggy:?Three years ago, Charles Jaki bought a used car for C$20,000 (US$14,700). Just after the 2018 hybrid reached the end of its warranty, it transformed from a Chevrolet Volt to a Chevy No-Go. ¡°The car right now is a paperweight,¡± the East Garafraxa, Ont., Canada, man said. ¡°It has been sitting at the dealership since December.¡± Jaki was told he had to spend C$33,000 for a new battery. But the car is going again, and Jaki didn¡¯t even have to pay. He spoke to CTV News Toronto, thenews organization spoke to General Motors Canada, and the car company figured out that the battery didn¡¯t need to be replaced: the problem had to do with a software update. ¡°We have to train technicians that are used to mechanical repairs how to work on new electrical software-driven machines,¡± said Chris Muir, who teaches at a school for mechanics. ¡°It¡¯s a challenge, but we offer the training for it.¡± (AC/CTV)?...Updating humans is even harder than updating cars. ¡°911, What¡¯s the Nature of Your Emergency?¡±?When police in Las Vegas, Nev., got the full lowdown on an incident regarding Gavin Hamilton, 26, at theFontainebleau hotel and casino, they mounted a ¡°counterterrorism response.¡± Hamilton allegedly triggered an alarm in a stairwell. A maintenance worker responded, but was held off by Hamilton ¡ª with a flamethrower. He apparently didn¡¯t resist police, who found he had a tank of flammable liquid in a backpack feeding a 3-foot-long hose with a nozzle. Also in the backpack: bongs and a meth pipe. He has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon, arson, and drug possession, and jailed on $34,000bail. Prosecutors may be aided by Hamilton¡¯s mug shot: his face is heavily soiled with soot. (RC/KLAS Las Vegas)?...Entitlements for the accused: a phone call, a lawyer, a damp washcloth.
Florida Salesman of the Year
Man Yells at Shoppers, Throws Beer Bottle While ¡®Trying to Sell Meth¡¯ at Strip Mall
WPLG Miami headline
Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Blonde FunnyDo you know what they call it when a blonde dies his/her hair dark?
Artificial Intelligence.
Received from dadiodio via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.
The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final."
>>>Today's Thot
A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.
Received from Mikey's Funnies. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The 12th annual "Mow Down Show Down Lawn Mower Campionship" was held in Avon Park, Florida earlier this year, bringing out the best and fastest in Lawnmower racing. It also brought out some colorful names. Entries included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.
From Reader's Digest.
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Lincoln's Moral Dilemma
It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows: "You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud." ----- Cat Heaven One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"? The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!" ----- Physical Problems A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.? "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!" ----- Joker is back in theaters so went back to the OG Batman movie and found all the sins. It's very silly and fun and sinful.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from Arcamaxjokes.
¡°It¡¯s working fine now, but you said it freezes up on you?¡± (Ice monsters and computers »å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù work very well)
Don¡¯t go looking for more, appreciate what you have.
I Want To Get The Fullness Of Life!
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 19, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 19, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
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Kirk's Puns? ?
I asked the doctor if he could cure my measles. He said he doesn¡¯t make rash promises. ? How do you wrap up some fog? ????With a rainbow ? In court there was a deaf defendant who waived his hearing. ? A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative ? Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows.??Therefore, he would visit them every morning and tell them jokes.??The cows laughed and laughed, and they gave excellent milk.??However, the news got around and no one else was amused.??Thus, his cows became the laughing stock of the community.
Their garage sale brought in exactly $1,000. They were happy with that grand total. ? When the storm cut off the electricity, they felt powerless. ? I was thinking about transferring to a job in the periodicals section of the library, until I heard they were dealing with all sorts of issues. ? What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say, when asked why she was divorcing her husband? ????Beats me ? For many generations a family had raised cotton in a lush southern valley.??Unfortunately, the boll weevil came to call, and for three seasons their crop was wiped out.??The younger members of the family urged their patriarch to leave the cursed valley which was driving them to ruin, but he refused, saying, "Though I live in the valley in the shadow of debt, I will fear no weevil!"
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Kirk's Limerick
I am into a dieting phase. From my wife I have gotten much praise ????????????For my three week diet. ????????????She said, "Please just try it." All I lost was just?twenty-one?days. ? Jim and Carol and Conrad and Bill got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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A Dive Funny
While visiting a water show, a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do
scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?
To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the
boat."
>>>Today's Thot
My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
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While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."
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DEAR ABBY: Seventeen years ago, I had a mental breakdown. For the first three years afterward, my husband stood by me. The medications I was prescribed caused me to gain more than 100 pounds. I have tried diets, to no avail. I suggested to him that maybe we could hold each other and see where it led us. His reply was, "I'm no longer attracted to you. You knew when we married that I wasn't attracted to larger (fat) women." Since then, I no longer respect or value him. He has his room, and I have mine on the other side of the house. We do absolutely nothing together. When he comes to my bedroom, he doesn't knock. When I need to go through his room, I always knock. He said, "This is my house, too, and I don't knock." I can't stand his arrogant ways. I still have to pretend we are married, but I don't feel it. He calls me "baby." I have expressed that I have no interest in pretending and have asked him to stop calling me that. I'm on a fixed income. All of my retirement money is invested in this home and property. I pay all the bills. We haven't had sex in 14 years. I'm lonely for male companionship. I don't know how much longer I can live this way, even though he didn't leave when I really needed him. Please advise. -- NUMB IN ALABAMA DEAR NUMB: It has been 17 years since you were prescribed the medications you have been taking, and there may have been improvements made in the intervening years. Contact the doctor who prescribed them and ask whether there is something newer that would allow you to lose some of the weight you haven't been able to lose. It may help if you explain what those meds have done to the state of your marriage. If adjusting your medication is not possible, you will have to decide how important male companionship is to you, because you may have to find it elsewhere. Consult an attorney and ask what you would wind up with if the house were sold and the money was split. After that, you may be in a better position to explore your options.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20-plus years had two kids with his first wife. (I have none.) One of his kids, who answers no voicemails, emails or texts from us, now has two kids under age 5 from his own second marriage. They live less than an hour away. My husband and I saw the younger child once, almost a year ago. It was the last time we saw my husband's son and his kids. My husband has seen his grandkids less than four times in four years. Have you any suggestions on how to repair this emotional cutoff? -- UNWORTHY IN MARYLAND DEAR UNWORTHY: Has your husband told his son that he would like to have a closer relationship with him and his family? When exactly did this estrangement begin? Do you know what caused it? Once you have the answers to those questions, if apologies are in order, your husband should offer them verbally, in writing or in person. The ball will then be in your stepson's court. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Would You Drink?
Direct link:??
True News ? How It¡¯s Done (Terribly Wrong Division):?An unnamed 11-year-old boy sat down for a test at St. John the Apostle Catholic School in Virginia Beach, Va., and a classmate showed him something: a bullet. The boy knew he couldn¡¯t just get up and tell on him, because ¡°He knew he had to take a standardized test, he knew he had to get that done and complete,¡± said his mother, later. ¡°He didn¡¯t want retaliation from this individual and he didn¡¯t want the rest of the class to know that he was a snitch.¡± Once the test was over, the boy made his way to the principal¡¯s office and made his report. The principal quickly suspended the bullet-carrier. But that¡¯s not the end of the story: the boy that alerted the principal got the same suspension for not telling fast enough. ¡°That¡¯s outrageous,¡± says attorney Tim Anderson ¡ª the mother hired him to get her son¡¯s record cleared. The attorney has a first response to his demand to the Diocese of Richmond: ¡°the school will not reduce the discipline¡± because this allows the boy to ¡°learn a valuable lesson.¡± The boy¡¯s mother happens to be a police officer. ¡°This is not how we train. We do not victimize our victims at all for reporting. We want people to come forward. We want people to feel safe. And we want people to do the right thing without fear of persecution, which is essentially what happened.¡± (RC/WVEC Hampton)?...If you thought private schools had more sense than to implement zero tolerance, think again. When You Can¡¯t Go Around:?Police in Mississauga, Ont., Canada, caught up to a suspicious vehicle in the drive-thru of a Tim Horton¡¯s Restaurant. After several cruisers boxed the suspect in, an officer approached the Ford Bronco, gun drawn. The driver couldn¡¯t back up, but drove forward ¡ª on top of two police cruisers ¡ª but got stuck on top of one of the cars. Officers arrested Ramanpreet Singhhas, 25, and charged him with multiple crimes. (MS/Mississauga News)?...Did he learn nothing from O.J.? Why Even Bother??The Antrim and Newton Abbey, Northern Ireland, Borough Council announced that a statue of the late Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip had been placed in the Antrim Castle Gardens. That announcement might come in handy: ¡°When I saw [the sculpture] I hadn¡¯t got a clue who it was,¡± said Richard Morris, an art historian. ¡°Until I read the caption underneath and thought, ¡®My goodness me, that¡¯s a very poor representation.¡¯¡± The face that is supposed to be the queen¡¯s has been said to resemble Mrs. Doubtfire ¡ª the Robin Williams character from the 1993 film of the same name ¡ª instead. One comment called for destroying the ¡°actually offensive¡± statue. The sculptor, Anto Brennan, has previously done caricatures. (AC/NBC News, Belfast Telegram)?...Perhaps that¡¯s why the pair is recognizable by the corgis, the handbag, and Prince Philip¡¯s way of standing behind the queen. A Long Way Down:?Hall of Fame rocker Jon Bon Jovi, 62, was filming scenes for a music video on a bridge in Nashville,Tenn., when he spotted a woman who appeared ready to jump from the bridge into the Cumberland River. He and a female production assistant approached the woman, and talked her back over the ledge to safety ¡ª and a hug from Bon Jovi. As the founder of a non-profit that helps people in crisis, the musician has training on how to talk to people in such situations. The John Seigenthaler Pedestrian Bridge is named for a reporter (later editor, then publisher, then chairman) of the?NashvilleTennessean:?as a reporter in the 1950s, Seigenthaler helped prevent a man from jumping off the same bridge. ¡°It takes all of us to help keep each other safe,¡± said Metropolitan Nashville Police Dept. Chief John Drake, in praising Bon Jovi¡¯s actions. (RC/Nashville Tennessean)?...A good bit of situational awareness helps too. Received from Kirk Miller.
Tied for 1st¨C50th Place
Florida Is Home to the ¡®Worst¡¯ Taco Bell Location in the U.S., Report Says
WOFL Orlando headline _
|
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."
-----
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to ... |
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its ... |
Samsung ElectronicsR
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
<... |
Received from aJokeADay.com |
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Give?us
a sense of humor,
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk?
...?? ? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.? ? Compiled
by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen. Available
Free by E-mail every day.? To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP
O'CHEER in the subject line to mvandriesen@...?? To
UNSUBSCRIBE: Reply to this e-mail with UNSUBSCRIBE TODAY'S JOKES in the subject
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 18, 2024
Here's Today's
CleanPun:? Antique Tents? ? ??
?
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany
get together for a rally.
?
Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of
tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves
so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:?
"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to
Meinz!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Quote of the Day:?? "Be always at war with your vices, at
peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." --
Benjamin Franklin ?
? Today's One-Liner:?? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder." ?
? Hoping for the
Best ? My second graders were assigned the task of writing
thank-you cards to soldiers serving in the Middle East. One of them wrote,
"Thank you for protecting us! I hope we win!" ? --Georgina McCarthy Provided by Reader's Digest ?
? A Dime a Dozen ? While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I
decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. ? "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk.
"I¡¯m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white
shoes." ? Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded,
"Take your pick." ? --Albert Cutini Received from Reader's Digest ?
? Identification Not
Required ? Out of the Navy and ready to buy my own home, I filled
out the veterans loan forms and mailed them away. But what I didn¡¯t realize was
that I had placed the forms in the envelope containing a lock of hair from my
two-year-old son¡¯s first haircut. Two weeks later I received this note:
¡°Enclosed is your loan certificate. Regardless of what you were told, we really
»å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù need a sample of your DNA.¡± ? ¨C Francis T. Jimmis Provided Courtesy of Reader¡¯s Digest's
Humor in Uniform. ?
? My husband and I work different shifts and try to
schedule appointments so that one of us will be home to care for the children.
Recently I left him this note: "I have a doctor's appointment Thursday at
11. The kids are yours." The next morning I found this reply from my
brown-eyed spouse: "I'm so relieved. Their blue eyes had me wondering all
these years!" ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by ?
? Servicemen Foot
Race ? Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor
and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. ? They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked
their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen
window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. ? Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. ? As they came running up to the truck, they realized the
lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped and asked her what was wrong. ? Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men
from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run
too!" ?
Received from Today's CleanLaugh.
_______________________________________________________________________
Clean Laffs ? Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a
job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my
eight years of high school are paying off." ? I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary
Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount
of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word. ? A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in
love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed
financially by this person?" ? ----- ? A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical
secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer
and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard." ? The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's
only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the
tap and leave it somewhere to dry. ? The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding
to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job,
he's that upset. ? What he wants to know is... "What clown told my
secretary to put $2000 worth of laptop under a tap?" ? *--------------
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization. ? Moses said the law is everything. Jesus said love is everything. Marx said capital is everything. Freud said sex is everything. Einstein said everything is relative. ? Received from Clean Laffs ?
? Crocodile ? TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" ? JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" ? TEACHER: No, that's wrong ? JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ? ----- ? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that
most people die of natural causes. ? Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth and
Good Clean Fun. ?
? "Hot can be cool and cool can be hot, and each can
be both. But hot or cool, man, jazz is jazz." -- Louis Armstrong ? ----- ? Some words give you power and confidence, says
psychologist and author Susan Jeffers, PH.D., and others sap confidence and
push you to cower in fear and insecurity. She calls the confidence builders
power words and the confidence zappers pain words (Because they tend to keep
you in emotional pain). Below are lists of pain words - and the power words you
can start replacing them with. Consciously change your vocabulary to include
more power words. Over time, it makes a difference. ? PAIN WORDS POWER
WORDS ? I can't............................ I won't I should.............................. I could It's a problem........................... It's an
opportunity Life's a struggle....................... Life's an
adventure I hope................................. I know If only................................. Next time What will I do?......................... I know I can
handle it It's terrible........................... It's a learning
experience ? Syman Says; symansays@... ?
? Bathroom Scale ? Two kids were looking carefully at bathroom scales on
display at the store. ? ¡°Have you ever seen one of these?¡± one boy asked the
other. ? ¡°Yeah, my mom and dad have one,¡± replied the other. ? ¡°What¡¯s it do?¡± asked the first boy. ? ¡°I »å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù know,¡± the second boy answered. ¡°I think you
stand on it and it either makes you mad or cry. At least, that¡¯s what it does
to my Dad and Mom.¡± ? Received from mycleanhumor. ?
? During a practical exercise at a military police base,
the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. ? After he presented a number of different situations in
which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would
you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" ? The student replied. "BIG ones." ? Received from Andy Chap. ?
? Pickup Joke ? Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee? ? Woman: No, why? ? Man: Because your the only ten-I-see! ? Received from aJokeADay.com ?
? If College
Students Wrote the Bible ? ??? The Last Supper
would have been eaten the next morning--cold. ? ??? The Ten
Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large
font. ? ??? New Edition
would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. ? ??? Forbidden fruit
would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. ? ??? Paul's letter
to the Romans would become Paul's email to "abuse@..." ? ??? Reason Cain
killed Abel: They were roommates. ? ??? The place where
the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. ? ??? Out go the
mules, in come the mountain bikes. ? ??? Reason why
Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 year: They didn't want to ask
directions and look like freshmen. ? ??? Instead of God
creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it
off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. ? Received from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that
religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and
others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these
objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are
unknown - but we thank them. ?
? Top Ten Canadian
Complaints Against Americans ? 1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of
Howie Mandel. ? 2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down
there against his will. ? 3. Every time we mention the city "Regina,"
they won't stop giggling. ? 4. Incredibly, they only have one word for
"snow" ? 5. In American encyclopedias, Canada is often called
"North Dakota's gay neighbor" ? 6. They call it American cheese, even though it was
invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot ? 7. They've never even heard of our most popular
superhero, Captain Saskatchewan ? 8. Two words: "Weird Al" ? 9. Get all confused when we ask a question that ends with
"eh?" ? 10. Not enough guys named "Gordie" ? ----- ? Top Ten Things
That Upset Your Dog ? 1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny
at all !!! ? 2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT! ? 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? ? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ...
stop it! ? 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you
know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. ? 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. ? 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! ? 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. ? 9.Dog sweaters. Hello ? Haven't you noticed the fur? ? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth, you're just jealous. ? Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know
who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? ? ----- ? The Homone Hostage
? The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his
own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!. ? DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate ? DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ? DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. ? ----- ? Thirteen Things
PMS Stands For: ? 1. Pass My Shotgun ? 2. Psychotic Mood Shift ? 3. Perpetual Munching Spree ? 4. Puffy Mid-Section ? 5. People Make me Sick ? 6. Provide Me with Sweets ? 7. Pardon My Sobbing ? 8. Pimples May Surface ? 9. Pass My Sweatpants ? 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome ? 11. Plainly; Men Suck ? 12. Pack My Stuff ? 13. Potential Murder Suspect ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ?
? Punnies ? I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to
put down. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all right now. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just
didn't have the balls to do it. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but
eventually it came back to me. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that
said 'Keep off the Grass'. ? The 50 Top Puns chosen by the readers of
"Pun of the Day" via Stan Kegel; skegel@... ?
? In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ¡°Come
alive with the Pepsi Generation¡± came out in Chinese as ¡°Pepsi will bring your
ancestors back from the grave¡±. ? NOTE: You get extra points for reading this if the ad
jingle ¡®Come alive, you¡¯re in the Pepsi Generation!¡¯ immediately played in your
head. Now go wash your brain out with 7-Up and admit you¡¯re over 50. ? ----- ? Surprise! ? It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the
holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents.?? After dessert, my mother-in-law left the
table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. ? Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did
so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper
instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them.? Others had to do pots and pans, etc. ? Then, with all the parents out of the way, Grandma and
Grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren. ? ????
From Vanna ? ----- ? (From the Archives) ? The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed
prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things: ? First: Why did you revolt? ? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" ? One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we
rebelled because the food is so awful." ? "I see. And what did you use to saw through the
bars?" the warden asked. ? Replied the spokesman: "French Toast." ? ????
From Pastor Tim ? Received from Teddi's Humor List;
redactatrix@... ?
? Daily Trivia Question: ?Which movie was promoted as ¡®teenage terror
torn from today¡¯s headlines¡¯?
Answer:
?Rebel without a Cause
?
? JEST FOR KIDS?? Riddles and Puns for
the 8 to 14 year olds in your life ? RIDDLES ? What
do you say to a hitchhiking frog? "Hop
in!" ? Why
is the area around the Jordon river so wealthy?? The
banks are always overflowing ? What
I a hen's favorite desert? Layer
Cake (From
"Super Funny Animal Jokes" by Richard Lederer and Jim Ertner) ? Why
are accountants usually good tennis players? Good
returns. ? What
do you say to a stubborn lawyer? "Sue
it yourself" ? PUNS & SHORT
JOKES ? Determining
the wind speed ona calm day is a breeze. ? It's
OK to watch an elephant bathe as they usually have their trunks on.? ? Being
overcharged for an undercooked steak is a raw deal. ? They
make a perfect couple. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot
air. ? PUN SERIES ? Book
Title: "Lawn Care" by Moses Lawn and Ray King ? Pizza
Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." ? When
you cross a parrot with a woodpecker, you get a bird that talks in Morse Code. (From "Wild & Wacky Animal
Jokes" by Richard Lederer and Jim Ertner) ? Headline:
"Health Department Wants Mayor's Ear" (Deseret Morning News) ? Ripple:
If I don't sew the seam in my shirt, the RIPPLE embarrass me. (Cynthia MacGregor)? ? GROANERS & LONG
JOKES ? While
making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left
fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case
like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd
limp too." ? Police
officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his
bicycle." Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a
bicycle." ? A
woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall
parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a
stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an
irate man. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you
think these are all mine ?" ? Received from Stan Kegel; ? ----- ? HOME REPAIR ? A man who despised his city's Building Department decided
to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do
this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and
was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house. ? As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves,
some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the
roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself. ? Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man
caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the
house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting
pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves. ? A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to
check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and
he was taken to the hospital in agony. ? The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six
weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police
arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks
earlier. ? "What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going
to arrest me for falling off my own roof?" ? "Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're
arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a
clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
Received from Stan Kegel;
When Other People's Kids Need Your HelpDear Annie: Last January, a couple moved to our town, and their
two daughters began attending school with my 11-year-old daughter. The older
girl is the same age as mine, and they became friends. Throughout the summer, the girls played at our house and theirs,
but recently, some things have begun to disturb me. Three months ago, the
girls' father apparently told the mother to get a job. When she didn't, he cut
off their cellphone service. When that didn't convince her to find employment,
he cut off their landline, the cable and their Internet service. The girls said
he told their mother he wasn't going to pay for any of these things, and that
if she wanted them, she'd better pay for them herself. So far, the mother
hasn't attempted to look for work. I've had both girls over to my house as much as possible so they
can use the computer to play games and watch our TV. Last weekend, both girls
began crying, saying their father wouldn't give their mother any money for
Christmas, and that he plans to cut off the electricity at the end of the week.
The mother told him that if he did that, she would leave ¡ª without the girls. I feel terribly sorry for these children, but don't know either
of the parents very well. I've considered going to their home and telling them
what this conflict is doing to their children, but I'm not sure what to say. Is
this something to call Child Protective Services about? My heart is breaking to
see these two darling little girls scared and crying all the time. ¡ª Distraught
Neighbor Dear Distraught: Kids can live without cable and Internet
access, but shutting off the electricity and watching their mother walk out is
something else entirely. Of course, unless you knock on their door, you will
have no idea what is really going on. Please do not go alone. If the situation
is as bad as it seems, anything could happen and you should indeed call the
authorities. You also can discuss it with the school counselor, who should be
aware of the students' home situation.
Dear Annie: My son will be graduating in June. His microwave
oven needed replacing, so my Dad offered to purchase the microwave, adding,
"That's your graduation present." When my brother needed a new tire, Dad bought it, saying,
"That's your birthday present," even though his birthday was not for
another six months. When I needed auto repair work in August, Dad said,
"That's your Christmas present." He keeps a tally of his gifts and shows up at birthday parties
and Christmas gatherings empty-handed, and then reminds you, very publicly, of
what he did for you. We appreciate his generosity, but these gift
consolidations feel more like business transactions with no connection to the
occasion. Are we missing something? ¡ª Not Ungrateful Dear Not: Dad has a finite amount to spend on gifts. When he
sees that you need something, he wants to help, but doesn't have the means or
desire to then purchase an additional gift for your special occasions. He
reminds you at the parties because he worries you won't remember that he
already gave you something. It's a harmless quirk, but if you'd prefer a
birthday gift, simply refuse his offers to repair your car. Dear Annie: Thank you for pointing out to "Mad Mom of the
Bride" that gifts might still be arriving at a later date. When I married, I received few gifts before the actual wedding,
except from those who lived out of town and couldn't attend. The rest were
brought to the reception or arrived weeks after. ¡ª Just My Two Cents Annie's
Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the
Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@...,
or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd.,
Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and
read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the
Creators Syndicate Web page at . ?
|
Punny Signs Of Good Taste¡??
Punny Signs Of Good Taste¡??
At a fast food restaurant: "House of Grill Repute."
Over the beer tap at a tavern: "One Pitcher's Worth A Thousand Words."
In a health food restaurant: "All You Should Eat, $6.50."
At a German restaurant: "Where The In Kraut Goes For Lunch."
On an inn's wine rack: "We're No. 1 On The Best Cellar List."
|
Daily Jokes for October 17, 2024
Daily Jokes for October 17, 2024
Kirk's Puns? ? ? ? ??
My husband was trying to fix our carousel CD player.??It would not release any of the CDs after pressing the button.??He couldn't figure out what was wrong with it, and I said I know exactly what was wrong.??It suffers from ejectile disk-function. ? What did Attila The Hun's men say after he fell off his horse? ????You can Hun, but you can't ride. ? Did you hear that Attila The Hun wrote a book???It is called "It Takes A Pillage." ? The mother and father of the baby goat were killed.??Thereafter, the small animal was called Little Orphan Nanny. ? She started dating a rake, and fell on hard tines.
-----
Kirk's Limericks
To your teeth I suggest you be true. If you aren't, it is something you'll rue. ????????????So please do what I say; ????????????Brush and floss every day. You don't want teeth to be?false?to?you. ? Bill and Dick got it.
I thought that everybody knew the saying: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Missing CowsA livestock truck overturned in my town. A TV reporter was doing the broadcast and stated, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby woods."
After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."
-- Thomas Ellsworth.
-----
Ventriloquist Career ChangeThere was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic sign.
An hour later a woman knocks on the door: "I want to talk to my deceased husband--how much will it cost?"
The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50; if he talks to you, $100; and if you talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."
Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Heavenly Hazards:? A Nun's Golfing Adventure
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." 'Is that when you swore?' "No, Mother," says the nun.? "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun.? "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet.? As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?" The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
True News ? Neighborly Welcome:?¡°Where you going, boy?¡± called out a man in Palm Coast, Fla. ¡°Come here! Come here! I got something for you!¡± The unidentified homeowner was running after another man, and it was all caught on security video. The homeowner was sick and tired of a prowler who had been ¡°terrorizing¡± the neighborhood ¡°for about a year,¡± and decided to sit with a beer in his backyard. Sure enough, he spotted the intruder. ¡°He was up at my daughter¡¯s window,¡± looking in. That¡¯s when the chase started, with the homeowner carrying the item ¡ª ¡°something for you¡± ¡ª a Louisville Slugger baseball bat. ¡°When he turned toward me, I swung the bat,¡± the homeowner said. ¡°It didn¡¯t seem to faze him. He was a pretty big dude, so I was going to go for his head.¡± Neighbors called police when they heard the ruckus. Officers arrested a suspect, Damon Smith, 29, who lives a block away from the scene. Smith, wearing a ¡°Halloween¡± film franchise T-shirt which read, ¡°Everyone Is Entitled to One Good Scare,¡± was jailed on $86,000 bail. As for the homeowner, it¡¯s an ¡°awesome¡± feeling to have stopped the ongoing crimes. ¡°I kinda want to put on a cape and go find another bad guy,¡± he laughed. (RC/WOFL Orlando)?...Oh good, so he¡¯s bound to be featured in?This is True?again. Pop Gun:?¡°We have enough information to believe the video has caused fear to at least one student and understandably so,¡± claims Lana Tharp, superintendentof the Mountain View-Birch Tree School District. ¡°The safety and well-being of our students is our top priority.¡± That must be why an unnamed student was suspended from Liberty Middle School in Mountain View, Mo., over the video, and his mother was told he had to be searched. His mother, Riley Grunden, defended him, saying that if he¡¯d actually made a direct threat, ¡°he would be in a lot of trouble, not just at school but at home.¡± However, what the video Grunden¡¯s son had posted showed was an AK-47-shaped ¡°rifle¡± made out of empty Dr. Pepper cans. (AC/KYTV Springfield)?...Remember, kids: if you see an AluminumKan-47,?»å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù?tell an adult! Trashed Vehicle:?Scott Greenberg was confused when he saw an SUV parked in Fort Myers, Fla. ¡°I had to do a double take,¡± he said. ¡°I texted my buddy. I¡¯m like, is that fair game? Is that free? It¡¯s in the dumpster.¡± Actually, the vehicle was perched atop the dumpster, next to a construction site, obviously put there intentionally. A construction worker explained: ¡°Sometimes when you park where you¡¯re not supposed to, this is what happens.¡± The vehicle had been in the way of work being done, so a forklift operator moved it out of the way. Later that afternoon, the SUV was relocated to a legal parking space. (MS/WBBH Fort Myers)?...If that doesn't get the message across, the crane operator can find more creative placements. Antisocial Media:?Social media has been very helpful for getting the word out about big emergencies. Except for one thing: Facebook has been deleting emergency warnings, claiming they¡¯re spam. During a wildfire near Clearlake, Calif., Lauri Hutchinson posted updates on behalf of her husband ¡ª the fire chief. Facebook deleted them, claiming ¡°It looks like you tried to get likes, follows, shares or video views in a misleading way.¡±Too many such actions can result in the person¡¯s account being suspended. Even the U.S. Forest Service, which created a page for a fire near Leadville, Colo., had its update page deleted, and its account suspended. With local newspapers dying off, sometimes social media is the only place to get emergency alerts. ¡°It¡¯s not just frustrating, it¡¯s life-threatening,¡± said Angela Oakley, a manager with the American Red Cross, who has had hurricane updates deleted by Facebook. A Facebook spokeswoman claims it is ¡°investigating this issue and working quickly to address it,¡± but added it was ¡°not aware¡± of the problem until it was contacted by a reporter. (RC/Washington Post)?...Because they automatically delete complaints from users.
When Government Gets Way Too Preoccupied by Genitals
Teenager Told She Had to Strip by Airport Security to Prove She Was a Girl
Media Wales headline Received from Kirk Miller. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hangover
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"? A self-induced hangover - $100.00 Broken furniture - $200.00 Breakfast - $10.00 Saying the right thing - priceless ----- Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers, Part 2 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" 8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood. 9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger. 10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."? 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers) ----- Women vs. Men A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.? To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ----- The Classifieds Actual excerpts from classified sections: Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.? Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
n
Live At Peace With Everyone
Direct link:?
~~
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 27 years with two kids. My wife recently revealed to me that she was raped when she was 14 but said it wasn't violent. She also said she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16. We had discussed our past prior to marriage, and these things weren't mentioned. If they had been, I wouldn't have married her. I have a hard time even looking at her now. I feel like telling her I want a divorce, but I'm looking for a second opinion about what I should do. Am I being ridiculous for wanting a divorce over things that happened 35 years ago? -- THROWN IN MISSOURI DEAR THROWN: Consent laws can be confusing and can change over time, and a lot may depend on the age of each partner. However, rape is rape. When your wife was 15 and 16 an adult may also have been breaking the law by having sex with her, even consensually. After all this, she might have benefitted from counseling (if any was offered). Your wife may not have previously discussed this because she was afraid your reaction would be as over the top as it has been. Before you decide to divorce her for being victimized as a teenager, I urge you to consult a licensed therapist either alone or with her. If you do, it will give you better perspective.
DEAR ABBY: My first real adult love was a woman named "Sasha." We had a whirlwind romance in the mid-'80s. At the time, I thought she was The One. The romance ended when she told me she was married. The last time I saw her was with her husband at a nightclub in the '80s. I moved on and married someone else in 1990. I do, however, think about Sasha sometimes. I don't remember her married last name, so I can't locate her. My wife thinks it's insane that I would want to talk with Sasha. I want to ask her if our relationship was real and if she loved me. When traveling in the area where I met Sasha, I would look at people to see if I might run into her. Do you think I'm crazy to want to have just one conversation with Sasha? -- BITTERSWEET IN CALIFORNIA DEAR BITTERSWEET: It has been 40 years since your whirlwind romance with Sasha. What was a whirlwind romance for you may have been a fling for her. She should have told you from the beginning that she was married, but she didn't, which leads me to think she didn't love you. People who love each other try to protect each other. Which leads me to your question. No, I don't think you are insane, but I do think it's time you stopped trying to revisit the past. |
|
Daily Clean Jokes for Wednesday, October 16, 2024
Laughing Place's Daily Clean Jokes for October 16, 2024? ??
Here's Today's
CleanPun:? Antique Tents
?
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany
get together for a rally.
?
Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of
tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves
so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:?
"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to
Meinz!" ________________________________________________
Kirk's Limericks
Learning curve of addition's immense. All the studying can be intense. ????????????Though it may not seem so, ????????????I just want you to know That one day it will?make?total?sense. ? Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
?
?
Quote of the Day:?? "Be always at war with your vices, at
peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." --
Benjamin Franklin
?
?
Today's One-Liner:?? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
?
?
Hoping for the
Best
?
My second graders were assigned the task of writing
thank-you cards to soldiers serving in the Middle East. One of them wrote,
"Thank you for protecting us! I hope we win!"
?
--Georgina McCarthy
Provided by Reader's Digest
?
?
A Dime a Dozen
?
While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I
decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.
?
"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk.
"I¡¯m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white
shoes."
?
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded,
"Take your pick."
?
--Albert Cutini
Received from Reader's Digest
?
?
Identification Not
Required
?
Out of the Navy and ready to buy my own home, I filled
out the veterans loan forms and mailed them away. But what I didn¡¯t realize was
that I had placed the forms in the envelope containing a lock of hair from my
two-year-old son¡¯s first haircut. Two weeks later I received this note:
¡°Enclosed is your loan certificate. Regardless of what you were told, we really
»å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù need a sample of your DNA.¡±
?
¨C Francis T. Jimmis
Provided Courtesy of Reader¡¯s Digest's
Humor in Uniform.
?
?
My husband and I work different shifts and try to
schedule appointments so that one of us will be home to care for the children.
Recently I left him this note: "I have a doctor's appointment Thursday at
11. The kids are yours." The next morning I found this reply from my
brown-eyed spouse: "I'm so relieved. Their blue eyes had me wondering all
these years!"
?
Submitted to Reader's Digest by
?
?
Servicemen Foot
Race
?
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor
and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
?
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked
their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen
window watched
the two men as they checked her gas meter.
?
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.
?
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the
lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped and asked
her what was wrong.
?
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men
from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run
too!"
?
Received from Today's CleanLaugh.
?
?
Clean Laffs
?
Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a
job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my
eight years of high school are paying off."
?
I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary
Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount
of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
?
A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in
love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed
financially by this person?"
?
-----
?
A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical
secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer
and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard."
?
The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's
only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the
tap and leave it somewhere to dry.
?
The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding
to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job,
he's that upset.
?
What he wants to know is... "What clown told my
secretary to put $2000 worth of laptop under a tap?"
?
*--------------
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
?
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization.
?
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
?
Received from Clean Laffs
?
?
Crocodile
?
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
?
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
?
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
?
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
?
-----
?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that
most people die of natural causes.
?
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth and
Good Clean Fun.
?
?
During a practical exercise at a military police base,
the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
?
After he presented a number of different situations in
which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would
you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
?
The student replied. "BIG ones."
?
Received from Andy Chap.
?
?
Pickup Joke
?
Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?
?
Woman: No, why?
?
Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!
?
Received from aJokeADay.com
?
Top Ten Canadian
Complaints Against Americans
?
1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of
Howie Mandel.
?
2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down
there against his will.
?
3. Every time we mention the city "Regina,"
they won't stop giggling.
?
4. Incredibly, they only have one word for
"snow"
?
5. In American encyclopedias, Canada is often called
"North Dakota's gay neighbor"
?
6. They call it American cheese, even though it was
invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot
?
7. They've never even heard of our most popular
superhero, Captain Saskatchewan
?
8. Two words: "Weird Al"
?
9. Get all confused when we ask a question that ends with
"eh?"
?
10. Not enough guys named "Gordie"
?
-----
?
Top Ten Things
That Upset Your Dog
?
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny
at all !!!
?
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT!
?
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ...
stop it!
?
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you
know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
?
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
?
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
?
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ? Haven't you noticed the fur?
?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth, you're just jealous.
?
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know
who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
?
-----
?
The Homone Hostage
?
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his
own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!.
?
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate
?
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
?
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
?
-----
?
Thirteen Things
PMS Stands For:
?
1. Pass My Shotgun
?
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
?
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
?
4. Puffy Mid-Section
?
5. People Make me Sick
?
6. Provide Me with Sweets
?
7. Pardon My Sobbing
?
8. Pimples May Surface
?
9. Pass My Sweatpants
?
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
?
11. Plainly; Men Suck
?
12. Pack My Stuff
?
13. Potential Murder Suspect
?
Received from ArcaMax Jokes
?
?
Punnies
?
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to
put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all right now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just
didn't have the balls to do it.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but
eventually it came back to me.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that
said 'Keep off the Grass'.
?
The 50 Top Puns chosen by the readers of
"Pun of the Day" via Stan Kegel; skegel@...
?
?
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ¡°Come
alive with the Pepsi Generation¡± came out in Chinese as ¡°Pepsi will bring your
ancestors back from the grave¡±.
?
NOTE: You get extra points for reading this if the ad
jingle ¡®Come alive, you¡¯re in the Pepsi Generation!¡¯ immediately played in your
head. Now go wash your brain out with 7-Up and admit you¡¯re over 50.
?
-----
?
Surprise!
?
It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the
holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents.?? After dessert, my mother-in-law left the
table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper.
?
Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did
so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper
instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them.? Others had to do pots and pans, etc.
?
Then, with all the parents out of the way, Grandma and
Grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.
?
????
From Vanna
?
-----
?
(From the Archives)
?
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed
prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things:
?
First: Why did you revolt?
?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
?
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we
rebelled because the food is so awful."
?
"I see. And what did you use to saw through the
bars?" the warden asked.
?
Replied the spokesman: "French Toast."
?
????
From Pastor Tim
?
Received from Teddi's Humor List;
redactatrix@...
?
?
Daily Trivia Question: ?Which movie was promoted as ¡®teenage terror
torn from today¡¯s headlines¡¯?
Answer:
?Rebel without a Cause
?
?
What's on the Web?
------------------------
?
Russian Burger
Kings Have More Fun
?
Click here
-->
Received from Stan Kegel;
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ | Which diabetes drugs can lead to perineal gangrene? The infection can become life threatening. The perineum is between the anus and genitals. | |
_______
|
Daily Clean Jokes for October 15, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 15, 2024? ?
Today's One-Liners:? Yesterday I was cooking dinner and my son came up to me and said, "Someday I'll work and help you with groceries, bills and house expenses ..." My eyes started to tear up - my baby will be 32 next month!
-----
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
-----
"Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen."
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Kirk's Puns
Cop to car driver: Is there anyone else in that car with you? Banker: No, I am a loan officer. ? If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool, it would cause a crime wave. ? A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. ? To become an electrician, you have to pass a battery of tests. ? Two electricians were in a race that went down to the wire.??One of them was disqualified because he made a short circuit.??Then they had a power struggle.??They both felt a surge when they finally worked it out.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Limerick
When they cut down the tree, big miscue Had been made by the tree cutting crew. ????????????Far from house they had planned ????????????For the tall tree to land, But the arborist's planning?fell?through. ? Bill and Carol and Conrad got it. ? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Received from Kirk Miller.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Warning Signs That You Need a New Doctor
* The patient before you was a goat. * Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS. * He has an assistant named Igor. * The local bar association named him "Client of the Year." * Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises. * During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song. * Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room. * He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam. * You can beat him in a game of Operation. * All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series." Received from Cybersalt Digest. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Commercial Time
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,?3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
School Report Card Fun:? Nina's Marks and Dad's Wit
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.? Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother." The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Casual Day ?used to work for a large company, they often did special things for us to make work a little more enjoyable. Below are a string of memos we received over the course of just over 2 months: Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m., Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress. Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
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Phyllis Diller QuotesYou know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
I never made "Who's Who," but I'm featured in "What's That?"
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
The doctor looked my body over. I said, "Is there any hope?" He said, "Yes. Reincarnation."
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
- From AZquotes.com via GCFL __________________________________________________________________
If College Students Wrote the Bible ? ??? The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold. ? ??? The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font. ? ??? New Edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. ? ??? Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. ? ??? Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to "abuse@..." ? ??? Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. ? ??? The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. ? ??? Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes. ? ??? Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 year: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. ? ??? Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. ? Received from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ?
? "Hot can be cool and cool can be hot, and each can
be both. But hot or cool, man, jazz is jazz." -- Louis Armstrong ? ----- ? Some words give you power and confidence, says
psychologist and author Susan Jeffers, PH.D., and others sap confidence and
push you to cower in fear and insecurity. She calls the confidence builders
power words and the confidence zappers pain words (Because they tend to keep
you in emotional pain). Below are lists of pain words - and the power words you
can start replacing them with. Consciously change your vocabulary to include
more power words. Over time, it makes a difference. ? PAIN WORDS POWER
WORDS ? I can't............................ I won't I should.............................. I could It's a problem........................... It's an
opportunity Life's a struggle....................... Life's an
adventure I hope................................. I know If only................................. Next time What will I do?......................... I know I can
handle it It's terrible........................... It's a learning
experience ? Syman Says; symansays@... ?
? Bathroom Scale ? Two kids were looking carefully at bathroom scales on
display at the store. ? ¡°Have you ever seen one of these?¡± one boy asked the
other. ? ¡°Yeah, my mom and dad have one,¡± replied the other. ? ¡°What¡¯s it do?¡± asked the first boy. ? ¡°I »å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù know,¡± the second boy answered. ¡°I think you
stand on it and it either makes you mad or cry. At least, that¡¯s what it does
to my Dad and Mom.¡± ?
Received from mycleanhumor.
? (From the Archives) ? THE TOILET SEAT ? Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several
weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it
while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter
before she returned. ? She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before
getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she
realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. ? About that time, Charlie got home and realized her
predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever ...
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a
sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. ? The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could
study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to
lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet
you've never seen anything like this before." ? The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of
them ... I just never saw one mounted and framed." ?
Received from Tom Kick
?
Daily Trivia Question:? In what month is the Kentucky Derby held? ? Answer:? May ?
? From the Web ? WHO'S
ALIVE AND WHO'S DEAD
Here's another interesting site that focuses on famous people both dead or
alive, what they're famous for, what caused their death, when they were born
and etc...
Visit:
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DEAR ABBY: I own a lake cabin and enjoy hosting friends and relatives. Even though I don't have a pet myself, I like animals and don't mind if people ask to bring their dogs, because the ground floor is linoleum that's easy to clean when the inevitable sand and water get tracked in. Last year, I invited my niece and her husband to spend the weekend, and they showed up with their large, long-haired dog. Even though they hadn't asked in advance, I didn't have a problem with it until it was time to go to bed. They brought their dog to bed with them in the upstairs guest room. I was so surprised I didn't know what to say. Dogs have never gone upstairs before, much less rolled around in the bed. They have either slept downstairs on their own, or their owners brought crates or had the dogs sleep in their cars. After the couple left, I had to deep-clean the room to remove the dog hair, including dusting, vacuuming (it is carpeted) and washing all the bed linens (comforter, shams, throws, etc.). I usually just spiff up the room and change the sheets in preparation for the next visitors. Abby, this couple is coming to the cabin again, and I assume they still have the dog. Should I broach the subject, after setting a precedent during their last visit, or resign myself to the extra cleaning? My relationship with this niece is cordial but slightly strained due to some past family history, so what's more important -- relationships or a clean room? -- CABIN HOST IN MINNESOTA DEAR HOST: They are both important. You can clean up a room, but you can't repair a severed relationship as easily. That said, avoid this dilemma in the future by explaining your house rules to your niece BEFORE she, her husband and her dog come to the cabin again. Ideally, it should have been done when you and your niece discussed her visiting a second time. DEAR ABBY: A friendship of 40 years has fallen apart because he refuses to stand up for himself to his wife. She has dominated him throughout their many decades of marriage. Like any narcissist, she managed to isolate him from his family and move him to remote places where he knew no one. Now she is terminally ill and refusing to allow him to move where his family could help him care for her. His family and I feel the same. Like any narcissist, she has also turned him against me. Along the way, they have made terrible and troubling financial decisions. It is too painful to watch, so I've withdrawn from the friendship rather than support these bad decisions. Was that the right thing to do? -- FORMER FRIEND IN IOWA DEAR FORMER FRIEND: Yes, it was the right thing to do. Because your friend's wife still controls who may be in contact with her husband, even in her weakened condition, you had little choice but to step back. Once she passes, offer support to him. He is going to need it. ~~
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Siblings (Nate Bargatze, Mikey Day, Bowen Yang, Sarah Sherman) discuss how to help their ailing father during a distracting lunch.
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 14, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 14, 2024?
To the ocean the workers did haul A long cable they planned to install. ????????????Transatlantic device ????????????For the phones was quite nice. The decision to build:?a?good?call. ? Bill and Conrad got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
After getting injured in the forest, the hiker was rescued and now is out of the woods. ? A friend of mine did his pilot's exam just after a storm and flew through a rainbow.? He passed with flying colors. ? Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing surgery because of his poor record???The police busted him for attempting to operate on a sick bird.??But the case was thrown out on a technicality:??It was an ill eagle surgeon seizure. ? The photographer wanted everything to be flawless and picture perfect. ? A guy was arrested for throwing bombs from a boat, but they dropped the charges.
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Transcontinental TrainA man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he passed gas.
Received from The Daily Groaner.
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Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections. -----
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.
Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!" -----
Thought Of The Day: This Crazy Life "What I love most about this crazy life is the adventure of it."
-----
Father: Why don't you answer the door?
Son: Because it didn't ask a question! -----
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
-----
Thought Of The Day:??Brave Enough To Be Bad ¡°Be brave enough to be bad at something new.¡± - Anonymous
Received from aJokeADay.
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The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"
"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us." |
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
-----
Murphy's Law ... The Tech Version
* All great discoveries are made by mistake. * Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. * Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. * All's well that ends. * A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.? * A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. * Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. * After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done. ----- Reasons for Being Fired from Toys "R" Us
14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled?Lego bricks.?
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" displayed .
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. 10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.? 9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 8.??... -----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com-----
When Stephen Colbert realizes his Late Show mug has gone missing, there¡¯s only one person who can track it down. Thanks to ¡°Tracker¡± star Justin Hartley for saving the day! Received from ArcaMax Jokes
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. Every day, you breathe in around 2,000 gallons of air, enough to fill an average swimming pool. And when it is polluted with particulate matter, it increases inflammation throughout your body, increases your risk for respiratory and cardiovascular disease, worsens asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and leads to premature death.
Very small particles labeled PM2.5 that come from the combustion of gasoline, oil, diesel fuel or wood are a main cause of respiratory and ...
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DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old stepdaughter has decided to date another female. She has dated boys in the past, but that's not the issue. We have nothing against the LGBTQ community. (My husband's brother is gay.) My issue is, should my stepdaughter spend time with her girlfriend in her bedroom with the door closed? If this were a boy, my husband would certainly have an issue with it -- fear of sexual activity leading to getting pregnant. We are both old school about that but have embraced her new relationship. But we definitely don't want our house to be the hook-up point. It makes us uncomfortable. How should we handle this? -- OPEN DOOR IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR OPEN DOOR: Handle this the same way you would if you were writing about the young woman having a boyfriend. Tell her you are uncomfortable with sexual activity going on in your home and prefer that if she entertains her girlfriend in her bedroom, she must leave the door open.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently moved to a smaller town from a big city to be closer to our new grandbaby. This town is populated with a large number of older single women and, since day one, they have been drawn in droves to my husband, who is a very good-looking older man. These women behave as if I am not even there. They move very close to us while we are shopping and flirt with him. I have had to physically insert myself between one of them and my husband on several occasions. Not only is this annoying while it's happening, but I'm having a hard time making friends. More than one female friend has developed an unhealthy crush on him, so I no longer trust other women. What do I do? -- JUST THE WIFE IN VERMONT DEAR WIFE: You are going to have to decide to what degree you trust your husband not to stray, and concentrate your efforts on making friends with other couples. It would also be nice if your husband could remind these women that he's married and that you're right there.
DEAR ABBY: My wife went on vacation with her best friend. While they were there, they visited a nudist resort. She admitted she took off her bathing suit and went swimming. Her friend also did. I was fuming to think she would undress in front of strangers. I feel betrayed. It makes me sick to my stomach to think she did this to me. Am I wrong to be anxious and mad about the situation? -- DRESSED IN MAINE DEAR DRESSED: I would have to know more about the clothing optional resort your wife and her friend visited. The nudist lifestyle is not a swinging singles weekend. It is often enjoyed by entire families, and the atmosphere is healthy. Please get off the defensive and ask your wife to tell you more about her "adventure," which may have been no more than innocent fun and had nothing to do with you. You do not "own" her body, just her heart -- if you are lucky. |
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Changing the name to Ashlee:
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 13, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 13, 2024? ??
Limericks? ??
Cell phone coverage isn't fading At the seashore.??The man's parading ????????????With a phone to his ear. ????????????Water's perfectly clear At the beach where he has?call?wading. ? Jim and Bill got it.
Kirk MillerDon't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
-----
Puns
Santa's helpers were working overtime in the toy shop to get everything done for the big day. One of them cut himself badly and was bleeding. Santa suggested he should be taken to the hospital. "No," insisted the brave little fellow, "I'll just put a few stitches in it here and keep on working. "Sutures elf," replied Santa. ? You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic, but where is the proof? ? The hospital lab is recruiting.??They are looking for new blood. ? Have you noticed that they never show pictures of Freud when he was Jung? ? I could have been an elevator operator, but I kept getting the shaft. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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DEEP OBSERVATIONS
> There are breathtakingly beautiful sights on uninhabited planets all over the universe that no one will ever see.
> Poor kids realize they are poor well before rich kids know they are rich.
> Alcohol is more socially acceptable to drink in public than milk.
> Calling yourself an AI artist is almost exactly the same as calling yourself a cook for heating readymade meals in a microwave.
> People are forever looking at scratched screen protectors to avoid using scratched cellphone screens.
> Not having an opinion about most things is better for your mental health than having an opinion about most things.
> Makeup shouldn't be allowed in beauty contests.
> It's crazy to think the past and future don't actually exist. They're only ever a memory or an idea.
> No one describes their children as average. Even though, by definition, most of them are.
> People tend to mix right and left, but they never mix up and down.
> Complaining about the younger generation has been a thing for all of human history.
> Red onions are clearly purple.
> It is far too easy to bite the sides of one's mouth.
> A few more generations and no one will know what clockwise is anymore.
>>>Today's Thot
If the average ocean depth is 3.7 kilometers or 2.3 miles, how deep would it be if there were no sponges?
Received from Mikey's Funnies
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Wills ExplainedI was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students:
"Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?"
After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.
"This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."
Received from GCFL _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ugliest Man in the World One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quazzimodo (Hunchback of Notre Dame) were standing around talking. Hercules spoke up and said, "I bet I am the strongest man in the world." Snow White then looked around and said, "Well I bet that I am the most beautiful person in the world." Then Quazzimodo looks around and quietly said, "I suppose that I am the ugliest man in the world." An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said, "There is a psychic on top of that hill up there, why don't you each go in there and ask her yourself?" The three friends agreed and they hiked to the top of the hill. Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and said, "I was right, I am the strongest man in the world."? Snow White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said, "I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world." Finally it was Quazzimodo's turn. He went in and after a few minutes he came out scratching his head. He looks up at his friends and said: "Who is Dennis Rodman?" ----- Knock Knock
Who's there !
Jupiter !
Jupiter who !
Jupiter hurry, or you'll miss the bus !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Jupiter !
Jupiter who !
Jupiter fly in my soup !
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Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
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Fast Drinker
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."? The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." ----- Cats Slapping Things
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A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?" ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. It's increasingly common for folks ages 60 and older to have more than one cardiometabolic (CM) disease, such as diabetes plus kidney dysfunction and coronary heart disease. In fact, around 34 million folks contend with the complications of multiple CM diseases, which can dramatically reduce their quality of life and longevity.
Now, a new study reveals a very simple -- and tasty -- way you can reduce your risk of developing multiple cardiometabolic conditions: Consume a moderate ...
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The World Needs You!
Direct link:?
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- October 08, 2024?-
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I met a wonderful man on a cruise. We hit it off fabulously, and since we live 1,000 miles apart, we stay in touch primarily by phone -- talking and video chatting. He has come to visit me four times in the past year, and we have taken two trips together. He has met my friends and neighbors and has spoken to my family on the phone (they live in a different state than I do). He says he loves me and that I'm the woman he's looked for his entire life. The problem is, I have never been invited to visit him. When I asked why, he told me his daughters, who are in their 20s and live at home, as well as his siblings are opposed to him dating and want him to reunite with his ex. (He has been divorced for three years.) That is concerning enough, but I have never spoken to any of his friends on the phone, either. Something smells fishy. It feels like either I'm nothing more than a "side piece," or perhaps he's ashamed of me and doesn't want me to meet or talk to anyone he knows. Or maybe he's not divorced after all. I don't want to waste precious time on something that isn't going to go anywhere. Are my expectations too great, or am I an idiot for allowing this to go on as long as I have? -- FEELING FOOLISH IN FLORIDA DEAR FEELING FOOLISH: I don't blame you for being concerned. If, after a year of being "courted," you still haven't been introduced to this wonderful man's friends or family, something doesn't add up. Either the man is spineless, or he hasn't been upfront with you about his circumstances. If you can't convince him to stand up for himself and make clear to his relatives that he has moved on from his divorce -- AND you can control your emotions -- pay him a surprise visit. If he has been stringing you along, he deserves to be outed.
DEAR ABBY: I grew up poor. Because of that, I spoiled my daughter rotten. I gave her everything, but it has backfired. When she turned 16, my husband and I bought her a brand-new $70,000 BMW. I told him I didn't want my daughter to be without anything like I was. She didn't want the $70,000 BMW; she wanted the $100,000 one. My husband said it was beyond his budget. When my daughter received her car, she wasn't happy. She kicked the car and dented it because it wasn't the one she wanted. My husband took it to a body shop and paid to have it fixed. She says that when it gets out of the body shop, she is going to kick it again and then it will be even worse. I know what you think I should do. But if I take it away and disown her, she will drop out of college, and her life will be ruined. I know that I'm 100% in the wrong. I just need help, and hopefully, you will have an answer that is different than everyone else's. Please help me with another suggestion. -- AT MY WITS' END DEAR AT MY WITS': Gladly! When your ungrateful daughter again damages the car you so generously gave her, do not fix it. Instead, let her drive it "as is" and let her experience the consequences of what she has done. If you do, you will be giving her a gift far more valuable than the price of the vehicle. Better late than never.
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Over the summer, JD Vance (Haley Joel Osment) had a lot of trouble in a donut shop. The damage from that was significant, which is why his campaign has made his donut shopping a top priority.
All the news and jokes you missed from the week of September 30.
Lady Gaga talks about designing her dress, working with creative and talented people, her fianc¨¦ Michael Polansky being from Minnesota, going to house party with him there, being proposed to while rock climbing, what the music at her wedding might be like, playing Harley Quinn in Joker: Folie ¨¤ Deux, singing in a way that was unnatural to her, acting with Joaquin Phoenix, and performing all ...
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 16, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 16, 2024? ??
Here's Today's
CleanPun:? Antique Tents
?
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany
get together for a rally.
?
Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.
Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of
tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves
so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:?
"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to
Meinz!" ________________________________________________
Kirk's Limericks
Learning curve of addition's immense. All the studying can be intense. ????????????Though it may not seem so, ????????????I just want you to know That one day it will?make?total?sense. ? Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
?
?
Quote of the Day:?? "Be always at war with your vices, at
peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." --
Benjamin Franklin
?
?
Today's One-Liner:?? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
?
?
Hoping for the
Best
?
My second graders were assigned the task of writing
thank-you cards to soldiers serving in the Middle East. One of them wrote,
"Thank you for protecting us! I hope we win!"
?
--Georgina McCarthy
Provided by Reader's Digest
?
?
A Dime a Dozen
?
While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I
decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.
?
"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk.
"I¡¯m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white
shoes."
?
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded,
"Take your pick."
?
--Albert Cutini
Received from Reader's Digest
?
?
Identification Not
Required
?
Out of the Navy and ready to buy my own home, I filled
out the veterans loan forms and mailed them away. But what I didn¡¯t realize was
that I had placed the forms in the envelope containing a lock of hair from my
two-year-old son¡¯s first haircut. Two weeks later I received this note:
¡°Enclosed is your loan certificate. Regardless of what you were told, we really
»å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù need a sample of your DNA.¡±
?
¨C Francis T. Jimmis
Provided Courtesy of Reader¡¯s Digest's
Humor in Uniform.
?
?
My husband and I work different shifts and try to
schedule appointments so that one of us will be home to care for the children.
Recently I left him this note: "I have a doctor's appointment Thursday at
11. The kids are yours." The next morning I found this reply from my
brown-eyed spouse: "I'm so relieved. Their blue eyes had me wondering all
these years!"
?
Submitted to Reader's Digest by
?
?
Servicemen Foot
Race
?
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor
and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
?
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked
their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen
window watched
the two men as they checked her gas meter.
?
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.
?
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the
lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
stopped and asked
her what was wrong.
?
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men
from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run
too!"
?
Received from Today's CleanLaugh.
?
?
Clean Laffs
?
Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a
job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my
eight years of high school are paying off."
?
I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary
Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount
of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
?
A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in
love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed
financially by this person?"
?
-----
?
A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical
secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer
and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard."
?
The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's
only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the
tap and leave it somewhere to dry.
?
The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding
to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job,
he's that upset.
?
What he wants to know is... "What clown told my
secretary to put $2000 worth of laptop under a tap?"
?
*--------------
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
?
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization.
?
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
?
Received from Clean Laffs
?
?
Crocodile
?
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
?
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
?
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
?
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
?
-----
?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that
most people die of natural causes.
?
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth and
Good Clean Fun.
?
?
During a practical exercise at a military police base,
the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
?
After he presented a number of different situations in
which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would
you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
?
The student replied. "BIG ones."
?
Received from Andy Chap.
?
?
Pickup Joke
?
Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?
?
Woman: No, why?
?
Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!
?
Received from aJokeADay.com
?
Top Ten Canadian
Complaints Against Americans
?
1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of
Howie Mandel.
?
2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down
there against his will.
?
3. Every time we mention the city "Regina,"
they won't stop giggling.
?
4. Incredibly, they only have one word for
"snow"
?
5. In American encyclopedias, Canada is often called
"North Dakota's gay neighbor"
?
6. They call it American cheese, even though it was
invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot
?
7. They've never even heard of our most popular
superhero, Captain Saskatchewan
?
8. Two words: "Weird Al"
?
9. Get all confused when we ask a question that ends with
"eh?"
?
10. Not enough guys named "Gordie"
?
-----
?
Top Ten Things
That Upset Your Dog
?
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny
at all !!!
?
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT!
?
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ...
stop it!
?
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you
know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
?
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a
dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
?
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your
guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
?
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ? Haven't you noticed the fur?
?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth, you're just jealous.
?
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know
who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
?
-----
?
The Homone Hostage
?
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his
own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!.
?
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate
?
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
?
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
?
-----
?
Thirteen Things
PMS Stands For:
?
1. Pass My Shotgun
?
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
?
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
?
4. Puffy Mid-Section
?
5. People Make me Sick
?
6. Provide Me with Sweets
?
7. Pardon My Sobbing
?
8. Pimples May Surface
?
9. Pass My Sweatpants
?
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
?
11. Plainly; Men Suck
?
12. Pack My Stuff
?
13. Potential Murder Suspect
?
Received from ArcaMax Jokes
?
?
Punnies
?
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to
put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all right now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just
didn't have the balls to do it.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but
eventually it came back to me.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that
said 'Keep off the Grass'.
?
The 50 Top Puns chosen by the readers of
"Pun of the Day" via Stan Kegel; skegel@...
?
?
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ¡°Come
alive with the Pepsi Generation¡± came out in Chinese as ¡°Pepsi will bring your
ancestors back from the grave¡±.
?
NOTE: You get extra points for reading this if the ad
jingle ¡®Come alive, you¡¯re in the Pepsi Generation!¡¯ immediately played in your
head. Now go wash your brain out with 7-Up and admit you¡¯re over 50.
?
-----
?
Surprise!
?
It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the
holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents.?? After dessert, my mother-in-law left the
table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper.
?
Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did
so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper
instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them.? Others had to do pots and pans, etc.
?
Then, with all the parents out of the way, Grandma and
Grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.
?
????
From Vanna
?
-----
?
(From the Archives)
?
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed
prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things:
?
First: Why did you revolt?
?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
?
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we
rebelled because the food is so awful."
?
"I see. And what did you use to saw through the
bars?" the warden asked.
?
Replied the spokesman: "French Toast."
?
????
From Pastor Tim
?
Received from Teddi's Humor List;
redactatrix@...
?
?
Daily Trivia Question: ?Which movie was promoted as ¡®teenage terror
torn from today¡¯s headlines¡¯?
Answer:
?Rebel without a Cause
?
?
What's on the Web?
------------------------
?
Russian Burger
Kings Have More Fun
?
Click here
-->
Received from Stan Kegel;
|
Daily Clean Jokes for October 12, 2024
Today's Daily ?Clean Jokes for October 12, 2024? ? ? ??
Biggest NumberPreparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, "What is the biggest number in the world?"
As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, "Dad, what number comes just before infinity?" -----
At the Renaissance FairI was in line at the souvenir booth of a Renaissance Fair when a man asked the clerk, "Do you sell sunglasses?"
"Alas, yeoman," she answered in her best fake old English, "colored bits of glass suspended before the eyes were not invented until after the Renaissance, so those are not goods we purvey."
As he began to turn away, ye olde Renaissance clerk added, "But we do carry baseball caps with our logo on them."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth via GCFL.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Animal Joke
?
These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the
night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
?
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said
"you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
?
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think
you could bag one"?
?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them,
and I will bet each of you $100.00.
?
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
?
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and
started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the
shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door
he yelled".
?
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as
he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He
slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get
the other one".
?
Received from aJokeADay.com
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Nun of Your
Business
?
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a
beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. ? The first nun replied that she would handle it without a
problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was
surprised, so the nun said, ¡°This is for washing our hair.¡± ? Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. ? ¡°The curlers are on me.¡± ?
Received
from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing
at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you
find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original
authors are unknown - but we thank them
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
As the commander made his way up front to speak, tension
was high. Plans to move the Camp Lejeune Marines north for cold-weather
exercises could all be for naught.
?
"General," an officer spoke up, "there's
no snow in the forecast."
?
The general called out to a member of his staff.? "Chaplin, I believe that's your
department."
?
"With all due respect, Sir," said the chaplain,
"I'm in sales, not production."
?
??????
From SuAnn
?
-----
?
The King Ranch in Texas is bigger than the state of Rhode
Island. It comprises 1.25 million acres and was the first ranch in the world to
be completely fenced in. At one time, its borders were guarded by armed
patrols.
?
????
From Terri
?
Received from Teddi's Humor List; redactatrix@...
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
It All Makes Sense
Now ...
?
Dilbert's
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never
earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially
liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical
equation based on the following two well known postulates:
?
Postulate
1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time.
?
Since:
Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then
Knowledge = Work / Money.
?
Solving
for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
?
Thus,
as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the
amount of work done.
?
-----
Punnies ? Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
you A-flat miner. Teachers' hands are usually chalk-full. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one
of them was a-salted. When he spilled coffee on her shirt, she showed him
dis-stain. It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame,
has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem O' Wheat.
Let¡¯s just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer. ?
?
A low-level Russian aparatchik decided clean up the
memorials around Red Square. When they opened the mausoleum they found it in
very poor shape. It was caked with filth from years of neglect and was
extremely odoriferous. ? This action caused such a stir that the offical found
himself kicked out of office. ? MORAL: You sholdn't air your dirty Lenin in public. ? ----- ? A young man, about to go out on his first date, asks his
father for advice. "Dad, what should I talk about?" ? "There are three subjects that always work: Food,
family, and philosophy." ? They stare at each other for a long time over dinner as
the lad's nervousness builds. Finally, he asks his date, "Do you like
spinach?" ? "No." The silence returns. ? "Do you have a brother?" ? "No." Silence once again. ? "Well, if you had a brother, would he like
spinach?" ? ----- ? I realized as the bus pulled away that I had left my
purse under the seat. I called the company and was relieved that the driver had
found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers
surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of my purse. ? "We're required to inventory lost wallets and
purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there." ? As I started to put my belongings back into the
pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even
though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd
like to see just how you do it." ? ----- ? Thought for Today: ? "Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday." ? (Don Marquis, 1878 - 1937) ? Received from Daily-Humor. ?
?
(From the Archives) ? THE TOILET SEAT ? Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several
weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it
while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter
before she returned. ?
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before
getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she
realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
?
Sports Car Dreams
?
A
man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me!
Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I
was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I
dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
?
"Relax,"
says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
?
-----
?
Bottle Fed Baby
?
A
woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
?
She
is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
?
After
arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much
weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
?
"Oh...he
is breast fed!", replied the woman.
?
"Well
then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
?
She
takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
?
The
doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a
very detailed and thorough examination.
?
The
doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this
baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
?
The
woman with a wry grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't, I'm
his aunt!"
?
-----
?
Red and Blue Lights
?
Judi
was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being
cross-examined on the witness stand.
?
The
lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights
flashing?"
?
"Yes,
sir, they were."
?
"Did
the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
?
"Yes,
sir, she did."
?
"And,"
looking at Judi, "what was it she said?"
?
"She
said, 'What disco am I at?'"
?
Received from ArcaMax Jokes
~~
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her
predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever ...
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a
sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
?
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could
study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to
lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet
you've never seen anything like this before."
?
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of
them ... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
?
Received from Tom Kick
?
?
Daily Trivia Question:? In what month is the Kentucky Derby held?
?
Answer:? May
?
?
From the Web
?
WHO'S
ALIVE AND WHO'S DEAD
Here's another interesting site that focuses on famous people both dead or
alive, what they're famous for, what caused their death, when they were born
and etc...
Visit:
|
Daily Clean Jokes for October 10, 2024
Here's Today's
CleanPun:? Allegory? ? ?
?
A former vice-president speaking about the results of
global warming.
?
?
Quote of the Day:?? "Life is like an onion: You peel it off
one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep." -- Carl Sandburg
?
?
Today's One-Liner:?? "Amish murderers get the acoustic
chair." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I was out in the morn on a quest
To discover the home of a pest, ????????????And the moisture on ground ????????????Made it easily found, So I followed the critter?dew?west. ? Conrad, Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
New Rod And ReelA guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, "Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can't help but notice that you're using a stick, a string and a safety pin for a hook."
His friend replied, "My wife thinks I'm wasting money so I told her I'd take the new rod and reel back if I didn't catch a fish... any more questions?"
"Yes, why didn't you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that's what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear."
His friend answered, "I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!"
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth via GCFL. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? FEGHOOT 71 ? It was Ferdinand Feghoot who, in Homeric times, first
raised the Oracle of Delphi to full prominence. Its Pythoness and its Holy Ones
had been scurvily treated and worse paid by the Greek rulers who were beginning
to seek advice there. The sensitive Pythoness was above such mundane matters as
money, and the Holy Ones were the world's worst administrators. They agreed to
put their financial affairs and public relations into Feghoot's competent
hands, and he speedily organized them into the PHOU, the Pan-Hellenic Oracular
Union. ? Their next customers, an assortment of Tyrants, Kings,
Autarchs and Oligarchs from some twenty Greek cities, were presented a very
stiff schedule of rates which, tremendously angered, they refused absolutely to
pay. For weeks, they camped at the Oracle, bitterly denouncing Feghootes the
Barbarian. ? Finally, Feghoot gave them his ultimatum. "If you
refuse to pay up," he said, "we'll leave Greece bag and baggage and
go over to Asia Minor. Then who'll answer your questions?" ? "NEVER!" roared a Spartan, shaking his spear.
"It would be revolution! It would be rebellion against all the Gods!" ? "Nonsense!" replied Ferdinand Feghoot.
"It'll just be . . .? a sybil rites
movement." ? "Feghoot 71"by? from "The Collected Feghoot" by
Reginald Bretnor? writing under the pen
name Grendel Briarton (?1992 Reginald Bretnor) ? =-=-=-=-= ? Compiled
by Stan Kegel skegel@...
Received from Stan Kegel; ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My friend and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At
one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the
attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our
diet?" ? "Low in calories" and "lots of fiber"
were among the answers. ? She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and
concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do
you know I paid thirty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she
held aloft the forbidden treat. ? From the back of the room a small voice spoke up:
"I'll give you forty cents for it." ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Pamela
Zmek ?
? Helpful Mechanic ? Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my
mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I
needed was blinker fluid." ? Received from Today's CleanLaugh. ?
? Young Boy Ignores
His Father's Voice ? Lee Eclov shares the following true story about a
conversation between Max, a first grader in Lee's congregation, and Max's dad,
Todd. ? Dad:? Max! Why
didn't you answer me when I called you? Max:? I didn't hear
you, Dad. Dad:? What do you
mean you didn't hear me? ? Max does not respond. ? Dad:? How many
times didn't you hear me? Max:? I don't know,
maybe three or four times. ? ¡ªLee Eclov, Vernon Hills, Illinois ?
? Daily Thoughts ? And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know
I'm free, and I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me and
I'll proudly stand up next to him to defend her still today, cause there ain't
no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA. -- Lee Greenwood ? Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill,
that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any
friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty. --
John F. Kennedy ? Liberty has never come from the government. Liberty has
always come from the subjects of government. The history of liberty is the
history of resistance. The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of
governmental power, not the increase of it. -- Woodrow Wilson ? ----- ? Be Quiet! ? While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the
dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. ? Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the
shoulder. ? "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." ? "I should hope not," she replied sharply.
"This is a private conversation." ?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Damp Towel ? One day, a child at my four-year-old's preschool class
told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' ? Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word
and told on her. ? The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy
asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want"? ? A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that
towel right now!" ? Received from Steve's Just for Grins ?
? Three Texans ? Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and
wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before. ? The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is
asked if he has any last words. ? He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity,
and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the
innocent." ? They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
God must not want this guy to die and they let him go. ? The second one is strapped in and gives his last words:
"I am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." ? They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They
figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too. ? The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a
Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires." ? Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack
and GCFL. ?
? CRUISIN' FOR A
BRUISIN' ? The recent disaster with the Italian cruise ship Costa
Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Winston Churchill: ? After his retirement, Churchill was cruising the
Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why
an ex-British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship. ? "There are three things I like about being on an
Italian cruise ship," said Churchill. ? "Yes?" said the journalists. ? "First, their cuisine is unsurpassed." ? "Oh yes!" agreed everyone within earshot. ? "Second, their service is superb!" ? "Indeed!" said the gathering crowd, all smiles.
"And the third?" urged the closest newspaperman. ? "Well," Winnie said, "in time of
emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first!" ? From: Jumbo Joke <arcie@...> ? = = = = = ? According to
Snopes: ? It is true that this quote appears in the book The Wit and Wisdom of Winston Churchill
(and is also attributed to Churchill in a number of other books).? Whether Churchill ever actually uttered these
words is another matter, however.? The
same basic quip about someone's expressing a preference for a particular
nationality of cruise line because they have "none of this nonsense about
women and children first" can be found in a variety of other sources,
attributed either to an unnamed wag or to one of several different
personalities noted for their wit (e.g., Noel Coward,W. Somerset Maugham).? As well, the nationality of the preferred
cruise line varies from telling to telling, with French and Italian being the
most prominent. ? <> ? ----- ? Other Costa
Concordia jokes appearing on the internet: ? How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise
ships??? - On the rocks ? What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise
ships??? - Leeks ? What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise
ship??? - Follow the captain ? When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was
asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course." ? So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the
dock. That's more than can be said for his ship. ? What's the difference between the Italian economy and the
stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia??
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both. ? From Weakly Humerus News: ? The NY Post may not usually appear on the list of
America's top papers. But they do win the prize so far for the best headline on
the Costa Concordia disaster- a picture of the captain on the front page of
their paper edition with the caption "Chicken of the Sea." (Janice
Hough) ? The Captain of the Concordia now says he fell into the
lifeboat. I think I like I cheated on my wife because of "how passionately
I felt about this country" better. (Janice Hough) ? That Italian cruise ship captain is now saying he tripped
and fell into one of the lifeboats. That old excuse didn't work when he got
that girl pregnant, either. (Jerry Perisho) ? He miscalculated steering a ship, but he somehow managed
to make a dead on calculation when taking a giant plunge into a tiny lifeboat.
(Alex Schubert) ? Thirty minutes after the Costa Concordia hit the rocks,
the captain is heard insisting that his cruise ship only had a blackout. That's
like Captain John Smith saying "it was only a little ice." (Janice
Hough) ? According to an Italian newspaper, Costa Concordia
Captain Schettino said to a judge that he miscalculated when steering the ship
close to the island of Giglio to perform a sail-past salute to people onshore.
But added "I¡¯m a victim of my own kindness.¡± "A victim of his own
kindness? I like "fell into the lifeboat" better. (Janice Hough) ? Let's hope it doesn't come out that the Captain called
Rick Perry to ask the three things he should do in the event of a crash.
(Janice Hough) ? The Costa Concordia cruise ship captain was arrested for
abandoning the ship with passengers aboard. Two survivors said they were in the
lounge watching a magician's act when the collision occurred. All they want to
know is where the magician hid the ship. (Argus Hamilton) ? That Italian captain is a regular Sully Sullenberger,
isn't he? Instead of landing a plane on water, he landed a ship on rocks. ? Costa Concordia Captain Schettino says, "I don't
ever want to go back on ship." I think that can be arranged. (Janice
Hough) ? New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that
embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make
you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee. (Bill Maher) ? More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship
disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner
after the crash. And here's the worst part -- he ordered it to go. (Jay Leno) ? The Costa Concordia cruise ship remained capsized off the
coast of Italy Friday after it struck a rock and turned sideways. International
reaction was predictable. President Obama extended his sympathy to the
passengers and blamed the accident on Captain Bush. (Argus Hamilton) ? I find it fascinating that your average automobile has a
better navigation system than an Italian cruise ship. (David Letterman) ? Received from Stan Kegel;
skegel@... ?
? Brain Teasers ? 1. PPOD ? 2. THIRIGHTINGS ? 3. r y s ? 4. ___program ? 5. T O W N ? 6. 222day ? 1. Two peas in a pod. 2. Right in the middle of things. 3. Syrup 4. Space Program 5. Downtown 6 Tuesday ? From The Fishwrapper via Syman Says; symansays@... ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Nun of Your
Business ? While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a
beer. ? The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. ? The first nun replied that she would handle it without a
problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was
surprised, so the nun said, ¡°This is for washing our hair.¡± ? Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. ? ¡°The curlers are on me.¡± ? Received from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that
religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and
others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these
objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are
unknown - but we thank them. ?
? As the commander made his way up front to speak, tension
was high. Plans to move the Camp Lejeune Marines north for cold-weather
exercises could all be for naught. ? "General," an officer spoke up, "there's
no snow in the forecast." ? The general called out to a member of his staff.? "Chaplin, I believe that's your
department." ? "With all due respect, Sir," said the chaplain,
"I'm in sales, not production." ? ??????
From SuAnn ? ----- ? The King Ranch in Texas is bigger than the state of Rhode
Island. It comprises 1.25 million acres and was the first ranch in the world to
be completely fenced in. At one time, its borders were guarded by armed
patrols. ? ????
From Terri ? Received from Teddi's Humor List; redactatrix@... ?
? It All Makes Sense
Now ... ? Dilbert's
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never
earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially
liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical
equation based on the following two well known postulates: ? Postulate
1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time. ? Since:
Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then
Knowledge = Work / Money. ? Solving
for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. ? Thus,
as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the
amount of work done. ? ----- ? Sports Car Dreams ? A
man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me!
Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I
was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I
dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" ?
"Relax,"
says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. Whooping cough, AKA pertussis, was first described during an epidemic in Paris in 1578 and up until the 1940s when the vaccine was developed, it was a major cause of infant death. This "cough of 100 days" affected more than 180,000 Americans in 1940, but the number plummeted to around 3,000 by 1991. Since then, cases have crept back up and this year, almost 11,000 have been reported.
The uptick most likely comes from kids not getting their DTAP (diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis) ... ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: Some relatives come once or twice a year from out of state to stay at my in-laws' house. For the past 20-plus years, it has been the same routine. They show up, but we never know ahead of time when or how long they are staying. We are expected to drop everything to go over there to visit with them as long as they are in town. There are no plans and no schedule; we just sit around waiting for them to decide what they want to do. I'm so tired of it. I would prefer knowing ahead of time so I won't have to cancel my previous plans when they show up. It's nice to chat, but I'd like to know beforehand that they are coming so I can meet them for a meal or activity rather than sit for hours. Can I make this request now that it has been going on for so long? -- BURDENED IN THE MIDWEST DEAR BURDENED: Yes, you can make your wishes known. What you are proposing is common sense and common courtesy. Tell these relatives you love seeing them but would like some advance notice when they plan to be in town so you can adjust your schedule and take them somewhere rather than sit for hours at your in-laws'. It's entirely possible that these relatives -- and your in-laws -- would appreciate it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a widower aged 72, and I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate to contact an old girlfriend from my college days. Yes, it has been more than 50 years, and she is married with grown children. I'm just wondering what your position is on this. It would be nice to talk and catch up on our lives, etc. She lives 400 miles from where I do, but I would like to speak with her and talk about our lives. Since we both are in our early 70s, there's obviously not a lot of time left. -- CATCHING UP IN GEORGIA DEAR CATCHING UP: My position is don't dip your hook in the water unless you plan to keep whatever you catch. Your old girlfriend is a married woman with a family. If your motive is to simply sing a chorus of "Auld Lang Syne," go ahead and reach out. If you are lonely and there is anything more to it, then don't.
DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, my husband and I have attended a holiday concert with our good friend "Ellie," who lives two hours away. Ellie recently told a friend of hers how wonderful the concert was, and now the friend wants to come to town to see it. The problem? We do not like this person for several reasons, but Ellie has chosen to invite this friend to attend the concert with her. We feel slighted. How should we approach this with Ellie? -- OUT OF TUNE IN ARIZONA DEAR OUT: I recommend you not do that. You may be close with Ellie, but you shouldn't try to dictate who she invites to be her guests to events. If you do, you will alienate her. Accept that if you want to attend the next concert you will have to buy your tickets separately, and when you encounter Ellie and her friend whom you abhor, be cordial. |
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?It's Your Mindset
Direct link:?
Give?us
a sense of humor,
Give us the grace to see a joke, ?
To?get some humor out of life, ?
and pass it on to other folk?
...?? ? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.? ? Compiled
by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen. Available
Free by E-mail every other day. To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP
O'CHEER in the subject line to merk@....? To
UNSUBSCRIBE: Reply to this e-mail with UNSUBSCRIBE TODAY'S JOKES in the subject
line. ? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
Daily Clean Jokes for October 9, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 9, 2024?
?
Punnies
?
Cold weather mechanics have to jacket up.
Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's
all lice.
Gun control is the subject of a loud report.
I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I
didn't win but I came varicose.
I had an idea for a new diet. I would lose weight by
visiting a different Italian restaurant each meal. I call it my leaning tour of
pizza. (Bill Crider)
If a parsley farm worker fails to pay his taxes, the IRS
will garnish his wages.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still
on the list.
Middle age: A time when action creaks louder than words.
?
?
?
If Only You Had Looked
?
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a
conversation.
?
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
?
"I froze to death," says the second.
?
"That's awful," says the first man. "How
does it feel to freeze to death?"
?
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the
second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
?
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at
home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I
rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the
second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the
attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
?
The second man shakes his head. "That's so
ironic," he says.
?
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
?
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,
we'd both be still alive."
?
-----
?
Other Police Quotes
?
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
?
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
?
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess
that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
?
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but
I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
?
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
?
-----
?
Fallen
?
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
?
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one
more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
?
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code
word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
?
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went
well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
?
About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the
mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
?
The priest said, "You have to do something about the
sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking
about having fallen."
?
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had
told the new priest about the code word.
?
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
about, your wife fell three times this week."
?
-----
?
All Numbers Are Equal
?
Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a
and b, and let t = a + b. Then
?
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = of - tb
a^2 - of = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
?
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
?
Received
from ArcaMax Jokes
?
?
?
Stop the Presses
?
These holiday ¡°headlines¡± ¡ª concocted by the satirists at
the Onion ¡ª are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
?
Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
?
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know
What You Really Think
?
Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
?
Book Given as Gift Actually Read
?
-----
?
Is the Client Always Right?
?
A graphic designer on the phone with his client.
?
Designer:? Hi. I¡¯m
just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say
¡°programs¡± for the third question.
?
Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate.
Just copy it over exactly as it says. I¡¯ll explain it nice and slowly for you.
?
Designer: ¡°Please indicate which pogroms you¡¯ve
attended¡±?
?
Client: Yeah, that should be programs.
?
Received
from Reader's Digest
?
?
?
Your Move
?
I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ¡°Let¡¯s
make this more interesting.¡± So we stopped playing chess.
?
Reader's
Digest Daily Life
?
?
?
Clean Laffs
?
"A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years
after it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded with enough
food for exactly 23 years.'" --
Jimmy Fallon
?
"A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to
$25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime?
Luckily, he made a clean getaway." -- Jay Leno
?
"For the first time ever, scientists have created
artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate
clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its
slaves, etc." -- Jimmy
Kimmel
?
-----
?
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she
was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a
lift chair that slid along the staircase.
?
Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made
it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric
chair."
?
*--------------
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
?
A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long
John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island
and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.
?
"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you
wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places,
poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed
parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."
?
"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay,"
said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as
possible."
?
"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine,"
said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you
come back on Thursday you can have it."
?
"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make
it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."
?
Received
from Joe's Clean Laffs
?
?
?
School Days
?
Abraham Lincoln wrote that he "went to Aschools by
littles" -- a few weeks or a few months at a time.? And all his schooling added together
"did not amount to one year."
The rest of lincoln's education came from reading,
reading, reading -- and from listening and from seeing and thinking about what
was going on around him. This is from one of Abraham Lincoln's school
notebooks. He may have been eleven years old when he wrote this...
?
"Abraham Lincoln his hand and pen.
He will be good but God knows when.
?
From The
Abraham Lincoln Joke Book via Syman Says;symansays@...
?
?
?
Tech Support Joke
?
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
?
Customer: A white one ¡
?
Received
from mycleanhumor
?
?
?
Missing Pages
?
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the
library.
?
The librarian quips after checking the books. "Sir,
your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single
book."
?
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from
removing an appendix whenever I see one."
?
-----
?
Permit
?
A zoning board had just been set up in a new
community.? A homeowner went to the
office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.? "Do you have a plan?" asked the
director.? "Oh, yes," said the
owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and
a sketch of the shed.
?
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled
out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said,
"Here's your permit."
?
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation
also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as
far as a secretary, and made her request.
?
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary,
taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary."
?
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my
neighbor got her permit right away."
?
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that
was before we finally got organized."
?
From
Pastor Tim via Doc's Daily Chuckle
?
?
?
Elderly Joke
?
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had
three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
?
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this
would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
?
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur
included thinking he would surely win her approval.
?
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he
bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to
memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the
parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would
find that!
?
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said,
"Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I
only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care
of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
?
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car
is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive
and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
?
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I
just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but
delicious."
?
Received
from aJokeADay.com
?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. Type 2 diabetes is associated with a 60% increased risk of dementia -- and the younger you develop Type 2 diabetes, the greater the risk. Around 18% of folks who've had diabetes for 10-plus years have dementia, while it's 10% for those who have had it for fewer than five years. In contrast, only about 9% of folks without diabetes up to age 70 develop dementia.
So, it's very welcome news that SGLT2 inhibitors, such as Farxiga, Jardiance, and Invokana, that are approved to treat Type ...
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
| | Teddy Roosevelt is often thought of as one of America¡¯s toughest presidents, and for good reason. In addition to delivering a speech??(¡°It takes more than that to kill a bull moose,¡± he said during his remarks) and fighting in the Spanish-American War as part of the?, he was also a skilled martial artist who received??(and, according to some, was the first American to receive?. He accomplished the latter under the tutelage of?, also known as Yamashita Yoshiaki, a Japanese judoka who holds the distinction of being the first person to receive a 10th-degree red belt (j¨±dan). Even more impressively, he did all this?. Already a skilled boxer and wrestler, he first encountered judo on a trip to Japan and sought to study it further upon his return stateside. Yamashita described the president as ¡°his best pupil¡± but also ¡°very heavy and very impetuous¡± in a way that ¡°cost the poor professor many bruisings, much worry, and infinite pains.¡± As in most aspects of his life, Roosevelt was extremely enthusiastic about this endeavor ¡ª sometimes in a way that others struggled to keep up with. | |  | Teddy Roosevelt was the youngest president. | | |
|
|
| |
|
Daily Clean Jokes for October 7, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 7, 2024? ? ?
Limerick
When I heard raindrops talking out loud, I was more than impressed; I was wowed ????????????By a well-known clich¨¦ ????????????That the raindrops did say: Two are company and?three's?a?cloud. ? Bill and Jim and Conrad and Chris and Grover got it.
-----
To your teeth I suggest you be true. If you aren't, it is something you'll rue. ????????????So please do what I say; ????????????Brush and floss every day. You don't want teeth to be?false?to?you. ? Bill and Dickhead got it. I thought that everybody knew the saying: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Strange Drams
A man went into his psychiatrist's office and said: "Doc, you've got to help me. Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. "Another night I dreamed I was an Alfa Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," said the doctor. "You're just having an auto-body experience." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Diet BuddiesRosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Good!" Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!" Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Today's One-Liner:??When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Quote
"If you do not make time for your wellness, you will be forced to make time for your illness."? --?Unknown ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Math Ticket Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained. The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?" I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down." Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
An "Ask" Funny
WHAT GOD WON'T ASK
~ God won't ask what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
~ God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
~ God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
~ God won't ask what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
~ God won't ask what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
~ God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
~ God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
~ God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.
>>>Today's Thot
Trouble is inevitable. Misery is optional.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine?
It was about a weak back. -----
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee.
"Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?" ----
Thought Of The Day:??Courage to Say Yes "It takes courage to say yes to rest and play, in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol."
- Brene Brown via AJokeaDay. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Men and Women
NICKNAMES:?If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.? But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brusque, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT:?And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.? None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.? When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS:?A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.? A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES:?A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.? A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good.? By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.? Of course, this will not stop him from going to the10-items-or-less lane. SHOES:?When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers.? She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.? When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.? Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.? A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS:?Women love cats.? Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP:?A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.? A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY:?Women do laundry every couple of days.? A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.? When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.? Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.? This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." OFFSPRING:?Ah, children.? A woman knows all about her children.? She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.? A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Differences between Men & Women
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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously... -----
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
* 57 Asians
* 21 Europeans
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,
* 8 Africans,
* 52 would be female
* 48 would be male
* 70 would be non-white
* 30 would be white
* 70 ... -----
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes. |
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. High blood pressure (HBP) can come from lack of sleep or sleeping too much, eating too much or not eating enough healthful foods, and from being sedentary. But whatever the cause, the consequences are increased cardiovascular woes. And that's true for anyone of any age.
These days, nearly 14% of kids ages 8-18 have elevated or high blood pressure. And 25% of young adults ages 18-39 contend with an unhealthy reading of over 130 systolic (top number), 80 diastolic (lower number), or ...
- October 05, 2024?-
DEAR ABBY: My "best friend," as he has labeled our relationship, moved in with me eight months ago. He claims to have no romantic feelings for me. Despite this, he sleeps in my bed next to me and kisses me. (He claims to be asleep when he does it and says he doesn't remember it happening.) He encourages us to be sexually intimate and texts me daily "I miss you" messages when I leave town to visit my mom. He says he doesn't want to be with me because "he doesn't see me that way." He also talks to another girl. He claims they're also just friends and have only a platonic connection, but I've seen kissy emojis, miss you texts and nude photos they've exchanged. I feel used and asked him to leave, but he refused to acknowledge my request. When I asked him why he lives with me, he said it's because I am a better alternative to sleeping on his mom's couch next to her dog. I cannot express how painful it was to hear that. At this point, he owes me $1,000 in unpaid rent, and I'm over feeling like I fell in love with someone who doesn't have the capacity to love even himself. How do I get this guy out of my house and out of my heart so I no longer feel like a live-in maid, concubine, bank account, chef and personal assistant in exchange for the privilege of being mistreated? -- USED IN GEORGIA DEAR USED: How do you get this poor excuse for a man out of your heart? From the tone of your letter, you are already more than halfway there. Turn off the money spigot, quit cooking and washing his clothes for him, and when he climbs into your bed, kick him out of it and tell him if he wants sex, to get it from his other "friend." It would be money well spent for you to consult an attorney about his refusal to leave your dwelling, because it may take a formal eviction.
DEAR ABBY: My sister recently got engaged. I'm ecstatic for her. Her fiance is amazing. We have always been close, and I'm going to be her maid of honor. The problem is, since they've been dating, and especially now that they're getting married, I've been jealous. I feel like a little green monster when I see them together. It's not about her fiance -- it's that I can't help wishing I had someone, too. It feels like a punch in the gut when they're being couple-y and I'm third-wheeling. I hate fighting these feelings when I'm truly happy for them both. But I feel jealous and then guilty for feeling this way and I'm sick of it tainting my genuine happiness. What should I do? -- DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING DEAR DON'T: I respect your willingness to own up to your feelings. None of us is proud of feeling jealous, but most of us have experienced a twinge at one time or another. (This may be why it is included in the list of seven deadly sins.) Be glad your sister has found her soulmate, and please have faith that you will meet yours as well. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but one day when you least expect it, you will turn around, and he will be there.
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Home again, home again, vacation is done
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WORD PLAYS
~ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
~ A marine biologist developed a race of genetically-engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
~ There were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
>>>Today's Thot
Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear, it's a beautiful day.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Dining Problem
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic: the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Hilarious Children's Sermon:?The Resurrection Mishap
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued. The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient¡¯s shins were covered with dark bruises.
¡°Tell me,¡± said the doctor, ¡°do you play hockey or soccer?¡±
¡°Neither,¡± said the man. ¡°My wife and I play bridge.¡±
-----
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor¡¯s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
¡°Why »å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù you just take off that last four?¡± I joked to the nurse¡¯s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
¡°I see you¡¯ve lost weight,¡± he said. ¡°You¡¯re down to... 14 pounds???¡±
-----
Thought Of The Day:??Don¡¯t Go Back to Less "Don't go back to less just because you are too impatient to wait for better."
- James Hilton Received from Joke-of-the-Day.
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Cat Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
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Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself.
So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he ...
-----
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
-----
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters...
----- Damp TowelOne day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her. The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?" ? A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
-----
"Don't make the same mistake twice" seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?
First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.
If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake," you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"
~ George Carlin
-----
Lost ChickensThe farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly. "But I managed to find all twelve of them." ? "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
----- Brain TransplantA young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor." The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die." The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance." The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?" ? The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000." The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Dear Abby
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for seven. We've had our fair share of problems. Between the two of us, we have four girls. He has two from a previous marriage, I have one from a previous relationship, and we share one together. His eldest daughter is the problem. The youngest two live with us; the other two are adults who live outside the home. The eldest is very into herself and always has been. She loves to hear herself talk, and it is always about herself. She's not as bad as she was when she was younger, but it still bothers me. My husband doesn't seem to mind, but I find it annoying. She has a son, so I don't think she should be talking only about herself. My reaction toward her has caused problems between my husband and me. My question is, how do I deal with a 30-year-old who is like this??-- HUMBLE LADY IN TEXAS DEAR LADY:?You may consider yourself to be "humble," but the impression you have left me with is that you have a tendency to be controlling and judgmental. That you feel you have the right to script another adult is presumptuous. While you may consider your husband's oldest daughter to be a crashing bore, it doesn't give you the right to act on your annoyance. You don't have to love her. You don't have to see her often. Sometimes, you can arrange to be elsewhere. But when you do see her, be cordial and try to steer the conversation toward the topic of her son and his activities.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Wayne," and I were dating 15 years ago, he would occasionally get angry and stalk off or bust a bag of chips, but after I gave him time alone, he'd be back like nothing happened. He always said that episodes such as this were something he was "working on." After we had children, the incidents continued occasionally. I thought it was because he worked hard, so as a stay-at-home-mom, I just gulped, gave him his space, and he would eventually get back to normal. I continued walking on eggshells and tried diligently to not make him angry again. Embarrassingly, my son's preschool teacher asked one time if everything was OK because my son mentioned that his daddy yelled at his mommy a lot. Wayne lost his job six months ago and has chosen not to work since then. He doesn't want to work for "the man" anymore, and his angry outbursts have increased. He has destroyed multiple items in our home (the trash can, our cooktop and a colander) in his anger. Our kids are older now and witness these events, and I can no longer continue to live in this environment. He's setting a terrible example and I hate hiding out in the bedroom. I recently got a job to help with family finances, but I'm not sure I can focus with all this going on at home. I've suggested marriage counseling multiple times, but he ignores me. What do you suggest I do??-- CAN'T TAKE IT IN CALIFORNIA DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT:?I am so glad you have a job. Now it's time to start saving as much money from your wages as you can so you and your children can escape. (Keep it in a safe place.) Normally, I might chalk up your husband's inability to control his outbursts to job stress. However, your husband's behavior seems to be escalating. The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. It is available 24/7. I urge you to call and let someone there help you form a safe escape plan because you may need one.
DEAR ABBY: I have been close to my sister for most of my adult life. When my daughter Patricia was born, my sister created the nickname "Patzilla" -- a combination of Patricia and Godzilla. I told her I didn't like the name, and she stopped saying it -- for a while. Now she's using it again, and I'm deeply hurt by this. It's not an association I want my child to have for herself, and it comes across as mean. Since my first expression of not liking this is being ignored, I'm not sure how to proceed.?-- HATES NAME-CALLING DEAR HATES: Your sister has a peculiar sense of humor. There are sweet nicknames, and "Patzilla" isn't one of them. In fact, it's rather mean and sinister. How to proceed would be to not expose your child to anyone who ridicules her or calls her a name you don't want her to have.
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 5, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 5, 2024? ?
Limericks
Read a book that her husband respects 'Bout religion, so now she expects ????????????She'll enjoy the actions ????????????Of her church's factions. And the name of the book:?Joy?of?Sects. ? Conrad and Jim and Bill C. and Grover got it.
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An Inheritance Joke
A woman's husband died. He had $100,000 to his name.
After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $100,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $16,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $1500, and I spent another $1500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$80,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."
>>>Today's Thot
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Received from Psalm/Now via Doc's Daily Chuckle.?
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The Usual QuestionsMy friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. the nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD.
"No," said the teen. "We have a Toyota."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My father played pinochle with friends. One night about 65 years one of the players started telling a story. This is what he said. ¡°One night I went into a piano bar to have a drink with some friends. When I glanced at the piano plays something seemed wrong but I wasn¡¯t sure. I did not want to stare so a few minutes later I looked again and knew what was wrong and I realized what was wrong. I knew I had to do something. When the piano player stopped playing and lit up a cigarette, I knew now was the time to tell him. So I got up and walked over to the piano. I leaned close to him and said: ¡®Do you know your fly is open?¡± The piano player said: ¡®No, but if you hum a few bars, I am sure I can play it.¡± About half a century later, having seen Buddy Hackett¡¯s ¡°Zipper Check¡± I suddenly recalled this story and now I understood it.
Quotes from Jay LenoThis problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
According to a new poll, fifty percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other fifty percent think it isn't.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England."
- From AZquotes.com
Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL.
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The baseball pitcher's son loved it when his dad walked him. ? Being afraid to go to bed in the dark made the boy a light sleeper. ? Where¡¯s the best place to store your rain? ? ? In a cloud bank. ? The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.??The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds." ? A wealthy New York businessman sent his two daughters to the University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study that would stir them out their apathy.??He was considerably alarmed when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.??He immediately sent them a telegram which read, "Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"
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WORD PLAYS
~ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
~ A marine biologist developed a race of genetically-engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
~ There were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
>>>Today's Thot
Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear, it's a beautiful day.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Dining Problem
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic: the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Hilarious Children's Sermon:?
The Resurrection Mishap
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.
While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient¡¯s shins were covered with dark bruises.
¡°Tell me,¡± said the doctor, ¡°do you play hockey or soccer?¡±
¡°Neither,¡± said the man. ¡°My wife and I play bridge.¡±
-----
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor¡¯s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
¡°Why »å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù you just take off that last four?¡± I joked to the nurse¡¯s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
¡°I see you¡¯ve lost weight,¡± he said. ¡°You¡¯re down to... 14 pounds???¡±
-----
Thought Of The Day:??Don¡¯t Go Back to Less "Don't go back to less just because you are too impatient to wait for better."
- James Hilton Received from Joke-of-the-Day.
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Cat Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
-----
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself.
So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he ...
-----
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
-----
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters...
----- Damp TowelOne day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her. The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?" ? A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
-----
"Don't make the same mistake twice" seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?
First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.
If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake," you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"
~ George Carlin
-----
Lost ChickensThe farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly. "But I managed to find all twelve of them." ? "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
----- Brain TransplantA young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor." The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die." The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance." The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?" ? The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000." The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. Let's pose a question: What could yoga poses (called "asanas") have to do with managing urinary incontinence? Quite a bit according to a new study that found that both general physical conditioning and doing pelvic floor yoga (yes, that's a thing) reduce urinary leakage significantly. FYI: Pelvic floor muscles control the flow of urine and the release of bowel movements (and gas). They are what you squeeze when you do Kegel exercises!
A study published in the Annals of Internal ...
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Dear Abby
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DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for seven. We've had our fair share of problems. Between the two of us, we have four girls. He has two from a previous marriage, I have one from a previous relationship, and we share one together. His eldest daughter is the problem. The youngest two live with us; the other two are adults who live outside the home. The eldest is very into herself and always has been. She loves to hear herself talk, and it is always about herself. She's not as bad as she was when she was younger, but it still bothers me. My husband doesn't seem to mind, but I find it annoying. She has a son, so I don't think she should be talking only about herself. My reaction toward her has caused problems between my husband and me. My question is, how do I deal with a 30-year-old who is like this??-- HUMBLE LADY IN TEXAS DEAR LADY:?You may consider yourself to be "humble," but the impression you have left me with is that you have a tendency to be controlling and judgmental. That you feel you have the right to script another adult is presumptuous. While you may consider your husband's oldest daughter to be a crashing bore, it doesn't give you the right to act on your annoyance. You don't have to love her. You don't have to see her often. Sometimes, you can arrange to be elsewhere. But when you do see her, be cordial and try to steer the conversation toward the topic of her son and his activities.
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DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Wayne," and I were dating 15 years ago, he would occasionally get angry and stalk off or bust a bag of chips, but after I gave him time alone, he'd be back like nothing happened. He always said that episodes such as this were something he was "working on." After we had children, the incidents continued occasionally. I thought it was because he worked hard, so as a stay-at-home-mom, I just gulped, gave him his space, and he would eventually get back to normal. I continued walking on eggshells and tried diligently to not make him angry again. Embarrassingly, my son's preschool teacher asked one time if everything was OK because my son mentioned that his daddy yelled at his mommy a lot. Wayne lost his job six months ago and has chosen not to work since then. He doesn't want to work for "the man" anymore, and his angry outbursts have increased. He has destroyed multiple items in our home (the trash can, our cooktop and a colander) in his anger. Our kids are older now and witness these events, and I can no longer continue to live in this environment. He's setting a terrible example and I hate hiding out in the bedroom. I recently got a job to help with family finances, but I'm not sure I can focus with all this going on at home. I've suggested marriage counseling multiple times, but he ignores me. What do you suggest I do??-- CAN'T TAKE IT IN CALIFORNIA DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT:?I am so glad you have a job. Now it's time to start saving as much money from your wages as you can so you and your children can escape. (Keep it in a safe place.) Normally, I might chalk up your husband's inability to control his outbursts to job stress. However, your husband's behavior seems to be escalating. The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. It is available 24/7. I urge you to call and let someone there help you form a safe escape plan because you may need one.
DEAR ABBY: I have been close to my sister for most of my adult life. When my daughter Patricia was born, my sister created the nickname "Patzilla" -- a combination of Patricia and Godzilla. I told her I didn't like the name, and she stopped saying it -- for a while. Now she's using it again, and I'm deeply hurt by this. It's not an association I want my child to have for herself, and it comes across as mean. Since my first expression of not liking this is being ignored, I'm not sure how to proceed.?-- HATES NAME-CALLING DEAR HATES: Your sister has a peculiar sense of humor. There are sweet nicknames, and "Patzilla" isn't one of them. In fact, it's rather mean and sinister. How to proceed would be to not expose your child to anyone who ridicules her or calls her a name you don't want her to have.
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Daily Clean Jokes for October 4, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for October 4, 2024
Kirk's Daily Limerick? ? ?
On a long, uphill hike you should heed Some advice if you want to succeed. Get your leg muscles strong, Helps when hiking along. And good leg joints you?really?do?kneed.
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Puns
Having medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease. ? Strip poker is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it. ? My grandfather knew the Marquis de Sade when he was just a whippersnapper. ? They tried to sell the famous tower in Pisa.??The sale couldn't go through because there was a lien on the property. ?
Those who write about disease become ill-literate. They have to include an appendix. Some people are always studying infectious diseases---it's in their blood. Sometimes they park illegally, which could be due to parking zones disease. Just don't get sick at the airport because it could be terminal.
Received from Kirk Miller.
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Today's One-Liner
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. A Hair Funny
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time?!
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair!
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
>>>Today's Thot
I know a rancher who lets his cows roam anywhere they wish. He lets the chips fall where they may.
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Baby Funny
The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby.
"Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."
>>>Today's Thot
I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying.
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A Movie Funny
Customer: "How much is a movie ticket?"
Ticket Seller: "Fifteen dollars."
Customer: "How much for children's tickets?"
Ticket Seller: "Still fifteen dollars."
Customer: "Really? Airlines charge much less for kids!"
Ticket Seller: "Fine, put your kids on a plane somewhere and come to the movie yourself. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
>>>Today's Thot
If you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
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A Marine Funny
As the crowded airliner is about to push away from the gate
, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.? No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.? Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.? All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
The word "nun" is basically just the letter n doing a cartwheel.
Received?from Mikey's Funnies.
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Parrot Dream FulfilledA gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.
He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?" Received from GCFL.
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Day Off, a Boss's Perspective So, you want the day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks a year in which you already get 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes a day on a coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With one Hour for lunch period each day you use up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available to work. You normally spend 2 days a year for sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.? We generously give you 2 weeks off for vacation per year. This only leaves 1 day available for work. And I'll be darned if you're going to take that day off! ----- Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
A. In floats
Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a'la mode.
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.
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- Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. - Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. - Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. - A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?? - If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? - If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? Received from ArcaMax Jokes. ~~
Division of Brick Labor At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.
"Patty," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you
----- Coupon Heaven While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now." ¡°Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker. ----- Coveting, Materialism, Investment Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That?104'?one over there is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache." His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked. "I was just wondering," Morris said. "Why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
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?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. |
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DEAR ABBY: I have been in love with a married man for more than 16 years. It started before he married, but I was married at the time, so he married her. He always told me he wouldn't leave his wife, but I hoped he would. Three weeks ago, I told him I could no longer go on this way and to have a great life. Two weeks later, he emailed me asking if he was still in my heart and said he was having doubts about his marriage. We live 400 miles apart, but I drove to see him last weekend. He told me he loved me, which he's never admitted before, and said he isn't sure what he's going to do. Now I don't know what to do, either, or how to act. Do I keep moving on to find someone else in case he doesn't pick me, or contact him so he doesn't lose sight of me? -- HURTING HEART IN VIRGINIA DEAR HURTING HEART: This person told you he would never leave his wife, and for 16 years he has stuck to his word. He told you he loves you because you drew the line. This is his attempt to reel you back into a relationship that is headed nowhere. Please, for your own sake, keep moving and do not contact him again.
DEAR ABBY: Nine years ago, I severed all ties with my mother-in-law after she accused my husband of sexually assaulting his sister when she was in her teens. His sister died nine years ago from starvation after she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Since then, I have not spoken to his mother. However, two of my children are recently married. I'm starting to feel guilty for not telling her that her two grandchildren got married. Should I say something to her? -- FEELING GUILTY IN ILLINOIS DEAR FEELING GUILTY: I do think you should speak to her. It is a shame that she has lost both of her children. If you think it would make her feel better, you and your husband could tell her about the weddings -- but only in the context of healing the breach that may have been created because of a delusion suffered by your late, mentally ill sister-in-law.
DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old grandson is a dramatic and arrogant know-it-all. My issue is that he's disrespectful to me, especially in social situations. He'll roll his eyes or flap his arms around as if I have two heads. He's actually mean-spirited. I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I simply ignore him, or should I confront him with how I feel? -- MISERABLE GRANDMA IN OHIO DEAR GRANDMA: You should definitely tell him how you feel if you haven't already done it. He's acting like an overgrown adolescent. If his behavior continues, avoid him, if possible, as you would any other person who treats you with disrespect. P.S. Also give serious consideration to "avoiding" him on his birthday, at Christmas, during graduation and any other gift-giving occasion.
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I Am In Good Shape
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Ya know, when the road ahead looks rough to you, remember the man upstairs and the word hope will come into play.
?It's Your Mindset
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