WORD PLAYS
~ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
~ A marine biologist developed a race of genetically-engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
~ There were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
>>>Today's Thot
Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear, it's a beautiful day.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Dining Problem
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic: the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Hilarious Children's Sermon:?The Resurrection Mishap
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient¡¯s shins were covered with dark bruises.
¡°Tell me,¡± said the doctor, ¡°do you play hockey or soccer?¡±
¡°Neither,¡± said the man. ¡°My wife and I play bridge.¡±
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When I stepped on the scale at my doctor¡¯s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
¡°Why don¡¯t you just take off that last four?¡± I joked to the nurse¡¯s aide as she made a notation on my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
¡°I see you¡¯ve lost weight,¡± he said. ¡°You¡¯re down to... 14 pounds???¡±
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Thought Of The Day:??Don¡¯t Go Back to Less
"Don't go back to less just because you are too impatient to wait for better."
- James Hilton
Received from Joke-of-the-Day.
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Cat Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
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Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself.
So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo.
He need to take another photo so he ...
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A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
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Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters...
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Damp Towel
One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
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A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
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"Don't make the same mistake twice" seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?
First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.
If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake," you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"
~ George Carlin
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Lost Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly. "But I managed to find all twelve of them."
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"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
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Brain Transplant
A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."
The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."
The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."
The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"
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The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."
The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Dear Abby
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DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for seven. We've had our fair share of problems. Between the two of us, we have four girls. He has two from a previous marriage, I have one from a previous relationship, and we share one together.
His eldest daughter is the problem. The youngest two live with us; the other two are adults who live outside the home. The eldest is very into herself and always has been. She loves to hear herself talk, and it is always about herself. She's not as bad as she was when she was younger, but it still bothers me. My husband doesn't seem to mind, but I find it annoying.
She has a son, so I don't think she should be talking only about herself. My reaction toward her has caused problems between my husband and me. My question is, how do I deal with a 30-year-old who is like this??-- HUMBLE LADY IN TEXAS
DEAR LADY:?You may consider yourself to be "humble," but the impression you have left me with is that you have a tendency to be controlling and judgmental. That you feel you have the right to script another adult is presumptuous.
While you may consider your husband's oldest daughter to be a crashing bore, it doesn't give you the right to act on your annoyance. You don't have to love her. You don't have to see her often. Sometimes, you can arrange to be elsewhere. But when you do see her, be cordial and try to steer the conversation toward the topic of her son and his activities.
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DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Wayne," and I were dating 15 years ago, he would occasionally get angry and stalk off or bust a bag of chips, but after I gave him time alone, he'd be back like nothing happened. He always said that episodes such as this were something he was "working on."
After we had children, the incidents continued occasionally. I thought it was because he worked hard, so as a stay-at-home-mom, I just gulped, gave him his space, and he would eventually get back to normal.
I continued walking on eggshells and tried diligently to not make him angry again. Embarrassingly, my son's preschool teacher asked one time if everything was OK because my son mentioned that his daddy yelled at his mommy a lot.
Wayne lost his job six months ago and has chosen not to work since then. He doesn't want to work for "the man" anymore, and his angry outbursts have increased. He has destroyed multiple items in our home (the trash can, our cooktop and a colander) in his anger.
Our kids are older now and witness these events, and I can no longer continue to live in this environment. He's setting a terrible example and I hate hiding out in the bedroom. I recently got a job to help with family finances, but I'm not sure I can focus with all this going on at home. I've suggested marriage counseling multiple times, but he ignores me. What do you suggest I do??-- CAN'T TAKE IT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT:?I am so glad you have a job. Now it's time to start saving as much money from your wages as you can so you and your children can escape. (Keep it in a safe place.) Normally, I might chalk up your husband's inability to control his outbursts to job stress. However, your husband's behavior seems to be escalating.
The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. It is available 24/7. I urge you to call and let someone there help you form a safe escape plan because you may need one.
DEAR ABBY: I have been close to my sister for most of my adult life. When my daughter Patricia was born, my sister created the nickname "Patzilla" -- a combination of Patricia and Godzilla. I told her I didn't like the name, and she stopped saying it -- for a while. Now she's using it again, and I'm deeply hurt by this. It's not an association I want my child to have for herself, and it comes across as mean. Since my first expression of not liking this is being ignored, I'm not sure how to proceed.?-- HATES NAME-CALLING
DEAR HATES: Your sister has a peculiar sense of humor. There are sweet nicknames, and "Patzilla" isn't one of them. In fact, it's rather mean and sinister. How to proceed would be to not expose your child to anyone who ridicules her or calls her a name you don't want her to have.
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