Daily Clean Jokes for October 7, 2024? ? ?
Limerick
When I heard raindrops talking out loud,
I was more than impressed; I was wowed
????????????By a well-known clich¨¦
????????????That the raindrops did say:
Two are company and?three's?a?cloud.
?
Bill and Jim and Conrad and Chris and Grover got it.
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To your teeth I suggest you be true.
If you aren't, it is something you'll rue.
????????????So please do what I say;
????????????Brush and floss every day.
You don't want teeth to be?false?to?you.
?
Bill and Dickhead got it.
I thought that everybody knew the saying:
Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Strange Drams
A man went into his psychiatrist's office and said:
"Doc, you've got to help me. Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari.
"Another night I dreamed I was an Alfa Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," said the doctor. "You're just having an auto-body experience."
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Diet BuddiesRosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Good!" Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!" Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
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Today's One-Liner:??When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
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Quote
"If you do not make time for your wellness, you will be forced to make time for your illness."? --?Unknown
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Math Ticket
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it.
"I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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An "Ask" Funny
WHAT GOD WON'T ASK
~ God won't ask what kind of car you drove, He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
~ God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
~ God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
~ God won't ask what your highest salary was, He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
~ God won't ask what your job title was, He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
~ God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
~ God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
~ God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.
>>>Today's Thot
Trouble is inevitable. Misery is optional.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
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Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee.
"Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
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Thought Of The Day:??Courage to Say Yes
"It takes courage to say yes to rest and play, in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol."
- Brene Brown via AJokeaDay.
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Men and Women
NICKNAMES:?If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.? But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brusque, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT:?And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.? None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.? When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:?A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.? A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:?A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.? A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good.? By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.? Of course, this will not stop him from going to the10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:?When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers.? She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.? When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.? Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.? A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:?Women love cats.? Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP:?A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.? A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:?Women do laundry every couple of days.? A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.? When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.? Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.? This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING:?Ah, children.? A woman knows all about her children.? She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.? A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Differences between Men & Women
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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously... -----
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
* 57 Asians
* 21 Europeans
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,
* 8 Africans,
* 52 would be female
* 48 would be male
* 70 would be non-white
* 30 would be white
* 70 ... -----
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes. |
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By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D.
High blood pressure (HBP) can come from lack of sleep or sleeping too much, eating too much or not eating enough healthful foods, and from being sedentary. But whatever the cause, the consequences are increased cardiovascular woes. And that's true for anyone of any age.
These days, nearly 14% of kids ages 8-18 have elevated or high blood pressure. And 25% of young adults ages 18-39 contend with an unhealthy reading of over 130 systolic (top number), 80 diastolic (lower number), or ...
- October 05, 2024?-
DEAR ABBY: My "best friend," as he has labeled our relationship, moved in with me eight months ago. He claims to have no romantic feelings for me. Despite this, he sleeps in my bed next to me and kisses me. (He claims to be asleep when he does it and says he doesn't remember it happening.) He encourages us to be sexually intimate and texts me daily "I miss you" messages when I leave town to visit my mom.
He says he doesn't want to be with me because "he doesn't see me that way." He also talks to another girl. He claims they're also just friends and have only a platonic connection, but I've seen kissy emojis, miss you texts and nude photos they've exchanged.
I feel used and asked him to leave, but he refused to acknowledge my request. When I asked him why he lives with me, he said it's because I am a better alternative to sleeping on his mom's couch next to her dog. I cannot express how painful it was to hear that.
At this point, he owes me $1,000 in unpaid rent, and I'm over feeling like I fell in love with someone who doesn't have the capacity to love even himself. How do I get this guy out of my house and out of my heart so I no longer feel like a live-in maid, concubine, bank account, chef and personal assistant in exchange for the privilege of being mistreated? -- USED IN GEORGIA
DEAR USED: How do you get this poor excuse for a man out of your heart? From the tone of your letter, you are already more than halfway there. Turn off the money spigot, quit cooking and washing his clothes for him, and when he climbs into your bed, kick him out of it and tell him if he wants sex, to get it from his other "friend." It would be money well spent for you to consult an attorney about his refusal to leave your dwelling, because it may take a formal eviction.
DEAR ABBY: My sister recently got engaged. I'm ecstatic for her. Her fiance is amazing. We have always been close, and I'm going to be her maid of honor. The problem is, since they've been dating, and especially now that they're getting married, I've been jealous. I feel like a little green monster when I see them together.
It's not about her fiance -- it's that I can't help wishing I had someone, too. It feels like a punch in the gut when they're being couple-y and I'm third-wheeling. I hate fighting these feelings when I'm truly happy for them both. But I feel jealous and then guilty for feeling this way and I'm sick of it tainting my genuine happiness. What should I do? -- DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING
DEAR DON'T: I respect your willingness to own up to your feelings. None of us is proud of feeling jealous, but most of us have experienced a twinge at one time or another. (This may be why it is included in the list of seven deadly sins.) Be glad your sister has found her soulmate, and please have faith that you will meet yours as well. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but one day when you least expect it, you will turn around, and he will be there.
