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Daily Clean Jokes for Wednesday, October 16, 2024
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Laughing Place's Daily Clean Jokes for October 16, 2024? ?? Here's Today's CleanPun:? Antique Tents ? Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. ? Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:? "Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!" ________________________________________________ Kirk's Limericks Learning curve of addition's immense. All the studying can be intense. ????????????Though it may not seem so, ????????????I just want you to know That one day it will?make?total?sense. ? Jim got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. ? ? Quote of the Day:?? "Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." -- Benjamin Franklin ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." ? ? Hoping for the Best ? My second graders were assigned the task of writing thank-you cards to soldiers serving in the Middle East. One of them wrote, "Thank you for protecting us! I hope we win!" ? --Georgina McCarthy Provided by Reader's Digest ? ? A Dime a Dozen ? While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. ? "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I¡¯m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes." ? Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick." ? --Albert Cutini Received from Reader's Digest ? ? Identification Not Required ? Out of the Navy and ready to buy my own home, I filled out the veterans loan forms and mailed them away. But what I didn¡¯t realize was that I had placed the forms in the envelope containing a lock of hair from my two-year-old son¡¯s first haircut. Two weeks later I received this note: ¡°Enclosed is your loan certificate. Regardless of what you were told, we really don¡¯t need a sample of your DNA.¡± ? ¨C Francis T. Jimmis Provided Courtesy of Reader¡¯s Digest's Humor in Uniform. ? ? My husband and I work different shifts and try to schedule appointments so that one of us will be home to care for the children. Recently I left him this note: "I have a doctor's appointment Thursday at 11. The kids are yours." The next morning I found this reply from my brown-eyed spouse: "I'm so relieved. Their blue eyes had me wondering all these years!" ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by ? ? Servicemen Foot Race ? Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. ? They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. ? Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. ? As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. ? Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" ? Received from Today's CleanLaugh. ? ? Clean Laffs ? Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off." ? I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word. ? A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?" ? ----- ? A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard." ? The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry. ? The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job, he's that upset. ? What he wants to know is... "What clown told my secretary to put $2000 worth of laptop under a tap?" ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization. ? Moses said the law is everything. Jesus said love is everything. Marx said capital is everything. Freud said sex is everything. Einstein said everything is relative. ? Received from Clean Laffs ? ? Crocodile ? TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" ? JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" ? TEACHER: No, that's wrong ? JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ? ----- ? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ? Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth and Good Clean Fun. ? ? During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. ? After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" ? The student replied. "BIG ones." ? Received from Andy Chap. ? ? Pickup Joke ? Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee? ? Woman: No, why? ? Man: Because your the only ten-I-see! ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? Top Ten Canadian Complaints Against Americans ? 1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel. ? 2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his will. ? 3. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling. ? 4. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow" ? 5. In American encyclopedias, Canada is often called "North Dakota's gay neighbor" ? 6. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot ? 7. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan ? 8. Two words: "Weird Al" ? 9. Get all confused when we ask a question that ends with "eh?" ? 10. Not enough guys named "Gordie" ? ----- ? Top Ten Things That Upset Your Dog ? 1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all !!! ? 2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! ? 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? ? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it! ? 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. ? 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. ? 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! ? 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. ? 9.Dog sweaters. Hello ? Haven't you noticed the fur? ? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. ? Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? ? ----- ? The Homone Hostage ? The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!. ? DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate ? DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ? DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. ? ----- ? Thirteen Things PMS Stands For: ? 1. Pass My Shotgun ? 2. Psychotic Mood Shift ? 3. Perpetual Munching Spree ? 4. Puffy Mid-Section ? 5. People Make me Sick ? 6. Provide Me with Sweets ? 7. Pardon My Sobbing ? 8. Pimples May Surface ? 9. Pass My Sweatpants ? 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome ? 11. Plainly; Men Suck ? 12. Pack My Stuff ? 13. Potential Murder Suspect ? Received from ArcaMax Jokes ? ? Punnies ? I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'. ? The 50 Top Puns chosen by the readers of "Pun of the Day" via Stan Kegel; skegel@... ? ? In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ¡°Come alive with the Pepsi Generation¡± came out in Chinese as ¡°Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the grave¡±. ? NOTE: You get extra points for reading this if the ad jingle ¡®Come alive, you¡¯re in the Pepsi Generation!¡¯ immediately played in your head. Now go wash your brain out with 7-Up and admit you¡¯re over 50. ? ----- ? Surprise! ? It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents.?? After dessert, my mother-in-law left the table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. ? Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them.? Others had to do pots and pans, etc. ? Then, with all the parents out of the way, Grandma and Grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren. ? ???? From Vanna ? ----- ? (From the Archives) ? The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things: ? First: Why did you revolt? ? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" ? One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is so awful." ? "I see. And what did you use to saw through the bars?" the warden asked. ? Replied the spokesman: "French Toast." ? ???? From Pastor Tim ? Received from Teddi's Humor List; redactatrix@... ? ? Daily Trivia Question: ?Which movie was promoted as ¡®teenage terror torn from today¡¯s headlines¡¯?
? ? What's on the Web? ------------------------ ? Russian Burger Kings Have More Fun ? Click here --> Received from Stan Kegel; _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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