My husband was trying to fix our carousel CD player.??It would not release any of the CDs after pressing the button.??He couldn't figure out what was wrong with it, and I said I know exactly what was wrong.??It suffers from ejectile disk-function.
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What did Attila The Hun's men say after he fell off his horse?
????You can Hun, but you can't ride.
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Did you hear that Attila The Hun wrote a book???It is called "It Takes A Pillage."
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The mother and father of the baby goat were killed.??Thereafter, the small animal was called Little Orphan Nanny.
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She started dating a rake, and fell on hard tines.
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Kirk's Limericks
To your teeth I suggest you be true.
If you aren't, it is something you'll rue.
????????????So please do what I say;
????????????Brush and floss every day.
You don't want teeth to be?false?to?you.
?
Bill and Dick got it.
I thought that everybody knew the saying:
Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
Ventriloquist Career ChangeThere was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic sign.
An hour later a woman knocks on the door: "I want to talk to my deceased husband--how much will it cost?"
The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50; if he talks to you, $100; and if you talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."
Received from Good Clean Funny Laughs.
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Heavenly Hazards:? A Nun's Golfing Adventure
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
'Is that when you swore?'
"No, Mother," says the nun.? "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun.? "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet.? As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
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True News
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Neighborly Welcome:?¡°Where you going, boy?¡± called out a man in Palm Coast, Fla. ¡°Come here! Come here! I got something for you!¡± The unidentified homeowner was running after another man, and it was all caught on security video. The homeowner was sick and tired of a prowler who had been ¡°terrorizing¡± the neighborhood ¡°for about a year,¡± and decided to sit with a beer in his backyard. Sure enough, he spotted the intruder. ¡°He was up at my daughter¡¯s window,¡± looking in. That¡¯s when the chase started, with the homeowner carrying the item ¡ª ¡°something for you¡± ¡ª a Louisville Slugger baseball bat. ¡°When he turned toward me, I swung the bat,¡± the homeowner said. ¡°It didn¡¯t seem to faze him. He was a pretty big dude, so I was going to go for his head.¡± Neighbors called police when they heard the ruckus. Officers arrested a suspect, Damon Smith, 29, who lives a block away from the scene. Smith, wearing a ¡°Halloween¡± film franchise T-shirt which read, ¡°Everyone Is Entitled to One Good Scare,¡± was jailed on $86,000 bail. As for the homeowner, it¡¯s an ¡°awesome¡± feeling to have stopped the ongoing crimes. ¡°I kinda want to put on a cape and go find another bad guy,¡± he laughed. (RC/WOFL Orlando)?...Oh good, so he¡¯s bound to be featured in?This is True?again.
Pop Gun:?¡°We have enough information to believe the video has caused fear to at least one student and understandably so,¡± claims Lana Tharp, superintendentof the Mountain View-Birch Tree School District. ¡°The safety and well-being of our students is our top priority.¡± That must be why an unnamed student was suspended from Liberty Middle School in Mountain View, Mo., over the video, and his mother was told he had to be searched. His mother, Riley Grunden, defended him, saying that if he¡¯d actually made a direct threat, ¡°he would be in a lot of trouble, not just at school but at home.¡± However, what the video Grunden¡¯s son had posted showed was an AK-47-shaped ¡°rifle¡± made out of empty Dr. Pepper cans. (AC/KYTV Springfield)?...Remember, kids: if you see an AluminumKan-47,?»å´Ç²Ô¡¯³Ù?tell an adult!
Trashed Vehicle:?Scott Greenberg was confused when he saw an SUV parked in Fort Myers, Fla. ¡°I had to do a double take,¡± he said. ¡°I texted my buddy. I¡¯m like, is that fair game? Is that free? It¡¯s in the dumpster.¡± Actually, the vehicle was perched atop the dumpster, next to a construction site, obviously put there intentionally. A construction worker explained: ¡°Sometimes when you park where you¡¯re not supposed to, this is what happens.¡± The vehicle had been in the way of work being done, so a forklift operator moved it out of the way. Later that afternoon, the SUV was relocated to a legal parking space. (MS/WBBH Fort Myers)?...If that doesn't get the message across, the crane operator can find more creative placements.
Antisocial Media:?Social media has been very helpful for getting the word out about big emergencies. Except for one thing: Facebook has been deleting emergency warnings, claiming they¡¯re spam. During a wildfire near Clearlake, Calif., Lauri Hutchinson posted updates on behalf of her husband ¡ª the fire chief. Facebook deleted them, claiming ¡°It looks like you tried to get likes, follows, shares or video views in a misleading way.¡±Too many such actions can result in the person¡¯s account being suspended. Even the U.S. Forest Service, which created a page for a fire near Leadville, Colo., had its update page deleted, and its account suspended. With local newspapers dying off, sometimes social media is the only place to get emergency alerts. ¡°It¡¯s not just frustrating, it¡¯s life-threatening,¡± said Angela Oakley, a manager with the American Red Cross, who has had hurricane updates deleted by Facebook. A Facebook spokeswoman claims it is ¡°investigating this issue and working quickly to address it,¡± but added it was ¡°not aware¡± of the problem until it was contacted by a reporter. (RC/Washington Post)?...Because they automatically delete complaints from users.
When Government Gets Way Too Preoccupied by Genitals
Teenager Told She Had to Strip by Airport Security to Prove She Was a Girl
Media Wales headline
Received from Kirk Miller.
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Hangover
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"?
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless
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Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers, Part 2
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."?
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
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Women vs. Men
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.?
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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The Classifieds
Actual excerpts from classified sections:
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.?
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
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