Re: OT: Thanksgiving greeting
Thank you, Anna!? I know you do not celebrate Thanksgiving today, but I am thankful to have you in our group.? And thank you for the occasional jokes you are able to contribute!
Merk
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Been busy with company this week so you are getting a week's worth of Comics this morning.? Happy Thanksgiving:
Both Extremes Matter
Direct link:?
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Daily Comics and Jokes for November 28, 2024
Daily Comics and Jokes for November 28, 2024? ?
Kirk's Puns
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ????A chew chew train ? I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. ? A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. ? What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!" ? Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
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Kirk's Limericks
The hot pepper is funny, really Is disorganized, and it will be ????????????Evermore the same way, ????????????Which does cause me to say: Silly?chili?is?willy-nilly. ? Conrad and Bill and Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Thanksgiving Humor
The day after Thanksgiving begins the Christmas shopping season.??Millions of Americans will peruse the aisles looking for that hard to find item:??A helpful store clerk. ? What side of the turkey is the left side? ????The part that wasn't eaten ? Why did the turkey go to the movie? ????To see Gregory Peck ? A collection of turkeys is singing: All we are saying is "Give beef a chance." ? What do you get after eating too much turkey and dressing? ????Dessert, of course ? Overrated:??What we all did at Thanksgiving dinner.
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Trump To Round Up Illegals With Taco Trap
WASHINTON, D.C. ¡ª In a stealth move aimed at rounding up as many illegal immigrants as possible, President-Elect Donald Trump was reportedly finalizing plans to set up taco traps around the D.C. area.
As part of his hardline stance against illegal immigration, Trump commissioned an expert team of engineers to devise state-of-the-art migrant traps consisting of a wooden box propped up by a stick with a string attached to it featuring tacos as the bait. "This is the best way to get these illegal immigrants out of the country," Trump told reporters. "I should know, because I thought of the idea and all my ideas are the best. We take a taco, a little guac, a little lettuce, some beans, or whatever, and we put them under a box with a stick and a string. Fantastic idea, one of the best. Many people are saying so." Trump unveiled his idea at a park in the D.C. area with a ribbon cutting on a taco trap near the Lincoln Memorial. The concept originated after Trump made a midnight run to Taco Bell with a few of his friends and advisors over the weekend. Democrats immediately came out in opposition to the new initiative. "I think these taco traps are racist and I demand they be immediately removed," said Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "Tacos aren't really even Hispanic. More Americans eat tacos than Latinos. Like, does Trump think a chalupa is actually Mexican food? Racist!" The taco traps will reportedly be funded in part by the money the federal government is saving not having to pay for illegal immigrants' groceries, housing, and medical costs. At publishing time, Trump also announced he would be budgeting to pay Mariachi bands to play the song "So Long, Farewell" from?The Sound Of Music?on all planes carrying deported illegal immigrants out of the country. ----- This Guy Is Crazy
Clean Tips
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Received from Kirk Miller
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Clean Laughs
"In Florida, a 7-year-old boy was arrested for punching his teacher. A 7-year-old boy--or as they call that in Florida, a prodigy." -- Conan O'Brien
***
"A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day." -- Seth Meyers
***
The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper.
He categorically denied doing so.
That led to my next question, "Then why is this paper in French?"
***
A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.
Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.
He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.
"How did you do?" asked the bride.
The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."
Guaranteed to Roll Your EyesA man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
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Apparently, you can¡¯t use ¡°beef stew¡± as a password...
It¡¯s not stroganoff!
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A ill business owner was discussing with his lawyer a final draft of his last will and testament.
"Well," as he was discussing with his lawyer, "I want to put in a clause for my employees. To those that have worked for me for 20 years or longer I want to give and bequeath the amount of $50,000."
His Lawyer reminded him that he has not been in business 20 years. The business owner replied, "I know, but it's going to be great advertising!"
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Thought Of The Day: Hunger for Love "There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation than for bread."
- Mother Teresa Received from aJokeADay.
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Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention. Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?"
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A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."?
The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
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Haunted House
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.? So what's the moral of the story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
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Skydiving Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready. Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.? He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn't open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, "So you wanna race, huh?!"
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Is Your Love Bigger?
Direct link:?
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 64-year-old guy. I am single and have two daughters and four grandkids. A young woman ("Sarah"), who is my daughter's age, and I have been hiking buddies for the past five years. I treat her like my third daughter and a family member. Sarah is married, and her husband does not enjoy hiking. Her husband and my daughters accept our friendship and are happy that I found a person I can hike with. I have been dating a lady ("Toni") who is close to my age. Six months ago, I suggested we should spend our lives together. My daughters and Sarah were happy for me. Toni rejected my proposal, citing that I must have some kind of romantic relationship with Sarah. When I mentioned it to Sarah, she distanced from me. I think she thinks she may have interfered with my relationship with Toni. We're still friends but not like before. Should I talk to Sarah and ask why she distanced from me? I feel depressed about this and have some remorse. I should not have told her what Toni said. -- HIKER IN COLORADO DEAR HIKER: I don't think you did anything wrong by telling Sarah what Toni implied. You have a right to ask any question you wish of your hiking buddy. You won't know why your warm five-year relationship with her cooled unless you ask. What I would like to know is whether you are still dating Toni after she rejected your proposal. If the answer is yes, do you plan to continue, knowing you have no future with her unless you find a male hiking buddy?
DEAR ABBY: I have had a friend who has been in my life and part of my group of friends' lives since high school. Years and years later, she has become increasingly negative toward all of us for no reason. Her husband is dying now, and we don't know how to handle it. She has ghosted all of us because she's so full of hatred and negativity. We had decades of fun and memories, but she wants nothing to do with us. How do we handle the death of her husband? She says we are all phonies, which is all in her head. -- PERPLEXED IN OHIO DEAR PERPLEXED: How long has this woman been becoming "negative"? There may be a reason why she has changed. Her husband is sick and he's not going to get better. If she loves him and feels any responsibility to him at all, she's directing all of her energies in that direction. The way to handle this would be for you longtime friends to step forward. Tell her you care. Volunteer to help in any way she will allow, and do not isolate her any more than she has isolated herself. If you haven't done that, I can see why she might have said she thought you were phonies. |
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OT: Thanksgiving greeting
I just want to take a moment to express how thankful I am to be a part of the community of this group. I thank everyone for the great recipes and friendship. I also wish you all a warm, safe, happy and blessed Thanksgiving
Day!
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Anna from Sweden
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Today's Clean Jokes and Comics for November 27, 2024
Today's Clean Jokes and Comics for November 27, 2024? ?
My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.
He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"
I said, "Where? Through a minefield?" -----
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey," she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for... an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl." ----- Thought Of The Day:??If We Knew ¡°If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?¡±
- Albert Einstein aJokeaDay
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A Spelling Funny
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
"Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program."
A minute later came his reply, "Must be dephective."
>>>Today's Thot
The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.
Received from Mikey's Funnies
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ You Got $2??A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
----- Feminist on the Bus?A radical feminist was getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man got up from his seat.
She thought to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushed him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tried to get up again.
She was insulted again and refused to let him up.
Finally, the man said, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!"
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Q and A Quickies?Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it wasn't peeling well!
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during games?
A: They sit by their fans!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
Received from Daily Groaner.
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Clean Laffs
"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"
***My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...She was attacked by a giant crab.
***I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
***A tour guide was showing a tour group around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar coin across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide, "a dollar went a lot farther in those days."
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*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight, homely women and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
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Kirk Miller's Puns
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. ? I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket. ? What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? ??? Take me to your weeder! ? What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? ?? ?One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny. ? A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
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Kirk's Limericks
Corn was popular, earned lots of praise. Popularity's waning these days. ????????????Corn has had much renown, ????????????But the folks in this town Now describe it as?maize?craze?a?phase. ? Carol and Conrad and Jim got it. ? Hint: Triple rhymes in the last line?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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True News ?
Halt!?The Hernando County (Fla.) Sheriff¡¯s Office pulled a car over for a routine traffic stop. When deputies approached the car, they noticed ¡°a rolled cigar containing a green leafy substance they identified as marijuana.¡± There were other items in plain view that suggested other drugs; they pulled out the driver and a passenger while they searched the car more thoroughly, finding other alleged drugs and paraphernalia. Deputies say when they turned to arrest the driver, ScottSchwirian, 39, he took off running, but was immediately apprehended ¡ª by a utility pole, which he slammed into. Schwirian and his passenger, Heidi Reynolds, 36, were arrested, charged with multiple drug offenses. (RC/WTVT Tampa)?...That utility pole needs to be honored as an example for other utility poles to follow. Who Should Pay Whom??Columbia River Fire and Rescue in Rainier, Ore., sent William Hoesch a bill for $1,862. The bicyclist hadbeen hit by a large vehicle, and the ambulance service took him to the hospital. Hoesch, in turn, has sued Columbia River Fire and Rescue for $997,000, to cover the ambulance bill, other actual and anticipated medical expenses, and pain and suffering. It was a Columbia River ambulance, his lawyer says, that knocked Hoesch off his bike and injured him in the first place. (AC/Portland Oregonian)?...Apparently when an ambulance injures you, giving you a free ride to the hospital is not the least they can do. Swimming in the Bathtub:?Cole Taschman was surfing at Florida¡¯s Bathtub Beach when he looked back and saw a shark biting his legs. He was able to catch a wave back to shore, where his friends applied a tourniquet and got him to a hospital. Two surgeries and 93 stitches later, Taschman is recovering ¡ª and trying to crowdfund his medical bills. ¡°It¡¯s freaky,¡± he said. ¡°That¡¯s just the heaviest thing ever. You know, you think a lot about family and think a lot about, life. You know, it changes you.¡± He should know: this is the second time he¡¯s been bitten by a shark. The first time was 11 years ago, when a 4- to 5-foot-long blacktip reef shark bit his right hand ¡ª at Florida¡¯s Bathtub Beach. This time Taschman believes he was bitten by a a tiger or bull shark ¡ª that was 7- to 8-feet long. (MS/WPTV West Palm Beach)?...Clearly the first time it didn¡¯t quite change?everything. Big Boast:?The Campuestohan Highland Resort in Negros Occidental, Philippines, is crowing over getting recognition in Guinness World Records. ¡°The resort has its own ambulance, a tunnel of lights at night,¡± said owner Ricardo ¡®Cano Guapo¡¯ Tan, ¡°and the biggest playground in the Philippines.¡± So, what¡¯s the record? It¡¯s ¡°the largest building in the shape of a chicken,¡± he said. Yet the 6-storey building only has 15 guest rooms. (RC/Philippine Daily Inquirer)?...So like a typical giant cock, it really isn¡¯t that impressive an accomplishment.
Split Verdict
Who Gets the TikTok in the Divorce? The Messy Fight Over Valuable Social Media Accounts
Wall Street Journal headline
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Direct link:?
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Virginia," age 27, lives with her boyfriend, "Ray," on the East Coast and teaches kindergarten. Last month, she confided that she had caught him cheating. She saw texts on his phone. When she confronted him, Ray immediately confessed and was very apologetic, but he also kept the woman's number in his phone. Ray will soon be moving to another state, and her job will end in about three weeks. Virginia is seriously considering going with him and has also mentioned marriage. Her mother and I are divorced due to her mother's infidelity, but we agree that we will counsel her not to stay with him. Although he took responsibility, cheating is destructive in any serious relationship. I have gone back and forth with Virginia via email, but sometimes she stops communicating. I haven't been harsh, but I did ask her why Ray would keep the other woman's number unless he wanted to remain in contact with her. Can you think of anything else a worried dad can do to help the situation? Obviously, Virginia can ignore parental advice and do what she wants. I am also wondering what I can say to Ray when I see him next. I neither want to give him a pass nor condemn him as a monster.?-- STRONG DAD IN CALIFORNIA DEAR DAD:?Talk with your daughter, face-to-face if possible. Tell her that, as an adult, she can do what she wants, but as a caring parent, you cannot stay silent. Remind her that Ray kept the other woman's number, which means he intends at some point to contact her. Explain that, to you, this means he is less committed to your daughter than he should be. As to what you might say to Virginia's boyfriend, tell him you are disgusted by his selfishness and dishonesty, and he doesn't deserve your daughter. If you have any more thoughts on the subject you would like to share, feel free to air them.
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DEAR ABBY: What would you say about a man who offered his wife's siblings an all-expense-paid trip to Paris, knowing that his wife could not consider going on such a trip because of mobility issues? Full disclosure: The husband and wife have been to Paris in the past (when the wife's health was OK), but the husband feels the need to go again and has no one else to accompany him. His wife will be left home alone to fend for herself. Somehow, this whole deal leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Please set me straight.?-- HOMEBODY IN NORTH CAROLINA DEAR HOMEBODY:?People with physical disabilities travel internationally all the time. If the husband has the money to take his wife's siblings on an all-expense paid trip to Paris, surely he could afford to take his wife and a caregiver with him on that trip down memory lane. That way, she would be looked after and still be able to enjoy the trip to the degree that she's able. Has no one suggested it besides me? |
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 26, 2024
?Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 26, 2024
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
"Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program."
A minute later came his reply, "Must be dephective."
>>>Today's Thot
The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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Well, He Wanted to Know
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back." -----
A Little Jury Help
A man being tried for murder happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees.
The jury deliberates for a week and returns a verdict of guilty with life imprisonment. The convicted man phones his friend and asks why it took so long for the verdict.
His friend says, "It took me a long time to convince the other jurors for life imprisonment."
"Why is that?"
"Because they wanted to acquit you!" ----- Thought Of The Day:? You Talk When You Cease ¡°You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.¡±
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet Received from aJokeADay |
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Today's Puns from Kirk
A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer. ? What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal. ? Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. ? Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ? Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre???After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.??When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Eh? Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."??And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that.
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Kirk's Limericks
Woman's goal: to be gynecologist; Changes mind, will be ophthalmologist. ????????????At her teachers she'd lash, ????????????Made decisions so rash That she now is a?dermatologist.
----- ? Brand name scissors are pricey.??I'm impressed By the way they perform, so I suggest ????????????That you buy a pair now. ????????????When you use them, see how They are simply a?cut?above?the?rest.
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Bat is growing quite old, but does fare Pretty well for his age.??In his lair, ????????????All the other bats say ????????????He is doing okay. Though bat's ancient, he's?hanging?in?there.
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This is great!
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Ironic Times
This is a great humor site:?
Received from Kirk Miller.
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Ten Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6.? Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband. Commandment 10. Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished. -----
Old Age Secret Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.? "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." ----- Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
----- Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They're making head lines across the nation!
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Jimmy finds Martha Stewart in his winter coat while checking to see what he left in his pockets from last season.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Spreading Good And Rejecting NegativityDirect link:?
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DEAR ABBY: I have been with my girlfriend, "Kim," for a year and a half. We are both in our 40s and very independent. Her mother struggles with our relationship because we are two women. She has told Kim our relationship is an embarrassment for her. She didn't know her daughter is a lesbian until we began seeing each other. Kim's mother has said that if I were a man, she would be thrilled. She knows I love her daughter and treat her well, but she can't get over the fact that we are gay. I am perplexed about what to do. Our relationship is stable, and we are both happy, but this bothers both of us. I don't want Kim to feel torn between her mother and me, especially since we are discussing marriage. Is there anything I can do to ease the tension??-- LOOKING FOR PEACE IN KENTUCKY DEAR LOOKING: There is little to nothing you can (or should) do to ease Kim's mother's embarrassment. Parents have all sorts of dreams and ambitions where their children are concerned, but in the final analysis, adult children must live their own lives as they see fit. A longtime, trusted organization called PFLAG exists for the precise purpose of building bridges between LGBTQ individuals and their family members. You can find it at . However, until Kim's mother is willing to seek help to adjust to reality, there's nothing you or Kim can do other than let your happy life together be an example.
DEAR ABBY: Two and a half years ago, I purchased a starter motorcycle and allowed someone I considered to be a good friend to ride it around the block. She fell in love with it and expressed that she would love to have it. I made an agreement with her that when I upgraded, I would sell her that bike. A year later, I was able to purchase the one I wanted. I found out what the trade-in value for my original bike would have been and agreed to sell it to her at that price. I told her then to pay me as she was able, and I signed the title over to her. I did not draw up any bill of sale or contract. I now realize this may have been naive on my part. Shortly after taking possession, she had an accident and totaled the bike. Her insurance did not pay, and she has hired a lawyer, saying it was the other person's fault. During this time, she has paid not one cent toward the bike, or even acknowledged that she owes me anything for it. I struggle with confrontation, so I have yet to say anything, but a year and a half later, I think the time has come. I know legally there isn't much I can do, but I would like to say something to her. How can I address this without coming across as being difficult? We have grown apart but are still friendly.?-- BIKER CHICK IN TEXAS DEAR BIKER CHICK:?Try this: "It has been a year and a half since I sold you the bike. When do you plan to start paying me what we agreed upon?" It is a legitimate question. |
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 24, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 24, 2024
Kirk's Puns
When New York City sanitation workers went on strike in 1975, it reeked havoc.? ? ?? ? When an optometrist does his tax return, does he item eyes? ? When the nearby property became a landfill, they ended up down in the dumps. ? He was called the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.??He always told patients the whole tooth.??A lawyer asked the dentist to give him a retainer, while a manicurist fought with the dentist tooth and nail.??Usually, it is the same grind, day after day.??Be kind to your dentist, because he has fillings, too.
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Kirk's Limerick
A ghost's favorite game to pursue With some children's the same one that you ????????????Used to play long ago. ????????????Almost all babies know And enjoy when they play?peek-a-BOO! ? Bill, Conrad, Jim, Carrol, Chris, and Erika got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Short Jokes That Are Funny
1. What do kids play when their mom is using the phone? Bored games.
2. What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe!
3. Why are snails slow? Because they¡¯re carrying a house on their back.
4. What¡¯s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
5.? What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat?? Thunderwear
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A Faking Funny
Having looked the other way for weeks, the boss finally called Smith into his office for a sit-down.
"You know, Smith," he said, "I've noticed that every time you have to take your dear old aunt to her doctor's appointments, there's a home game over at the stadium."
"Wow, sir. I guess you're right," Smith answered. "I didn't realize it. You don't think she's faking it, do you?"
>>>Today's Thot
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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"Don't give up on your dreams."
"Really? You mean it?"
"Yeah, just keep sleeping." -----
The lion married off a child. Being the king of the jungle, he invited all the animals for the wedding.
On the very special night, a mouse walks up the lion and says, "Congratulations brother!"
The lion looks at the mouse and says, "Thanks, but since when am I your brother?"
The mouse replied, "Well, I was once a lion too, then I got married."
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Thought Of The Day:??Shoveling Dragon Dung ¡°Worthless. I don't need to be pouring tea, I need to be shoveling dragon dung.¡±
- Rosaria Munda, Furysong
Received from aJokeADay.
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My Jedi brat can beat up your honors student
I survived the Battle of Endor
Palpatine, save me from your followers
My other starship is an SSD
Visit Scenic Beggars Canyon
Jedi Master on board -- please fly carefully | -----
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work."
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
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Doris.
Doris, who?
Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!
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More Things I'd Like to Hear, Just once From a store clerk: "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
"I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer."
-- From my doctor: "Of course I'll come by your house to check on you." "Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better." "Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in." "I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test." "Here, take these samples." "Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that." "I recommend you get a second opinion."
Two friends (Andrew Dismukes, Devon Walker) try to connect with their dads (Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson) by giving them a call. |
The First One!
Direct link:?
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DEAR ABBY: My husband's uncle died by suicide in his home six months ago. It was a shock to the entire family. Since the funeral, we have helped to settle his affairs, including cleaning out his home to get it ready for sale. My husband's cousin (the uncle's daughter) has had an understandably difficult time coming to terms with the loss of her father and has decided to purchase the house and reside there. She hasn't sought grief counseling and uses social media as a therapeutic outlet. Many in the family believe she's making a mistake spurred by grief. She wants to hold family gatherings and holiday celebrations there. Those of us who helped clean out the house do not want to go back there. The loss is still recent, and the memories of the scene are still fresh. How can we tell this cousin we are uncomfortable visiting the home without causing her more grief? We want to be supportive, but it's just too hard to walk back into the place where he ended his life. -- TRAUMATIZED IN MISSOURI DEAR TRAUMATIZED: Your husband's cousin is trying hard to deal with her grief, however ill-advised her method may be. Everyone has been supportive, but someone needs to speak honestly with her and let her know that what she is fantasizing about isn't going to happen. The person closest to her needs to speak frankly -- for the family -- about their reluctance to visit the house again. Once she knows, she may be less eager to buy her father's home. Yes, she could probably use some grief counseling, and it's available to families who have experienced the kind of trauma she has. A resource that could help is the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (), but that poor, grieving woman has to be willing to ask for it.
DEAR ABBY: When I'm invited to a friend's house for dinner and asked to bring dessert, I always make something fresh and delicious for that evening. Lately, I'm noticing that several friends, when invited to my house or another friend's party, are bringing along half-eaten desserts from the previous evening's family dinner. I think this is rude. It's like they're saying, "You're not worth the effort." Is this a new trend, or am I too sensitive? -- IRRITATED IN IDAHO DEAR IRRITATED: You're not too sensitive, and if this is a new trend, I haven't heard of it. Many hosts serve fresh food to their guests and are careful about how it is presented. By that I mean, it is not half-consumed and doesn't look like leftovers. If the "several friends" who do this don't have time to prepare something to bring, they should buy something and bring it whole. |
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 23, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 23, 2024? ? ?
Kirk's Pun
THE MATHEMATICS OF RELATIONSHIPS They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to get skewed.??The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair.??From then on it was a continuous function.??They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel.??She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum.??They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion.??They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit.??After that they slept like logs.??Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. It seemed as though she was from another dimension. Things just weren't adding up.??They diverged.??That was a real plus because he needed to get her out of his domain.??She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he did a cosine on a loan for his son, Ray.
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A Fact to Make You Laugh
A Butt Is a Unit of MeasurementIf we¡¯re talking imperial measurements, a ¡°butt¡± is a?. And while this form of ¡°butt¡± is obsolete for most people, it¡¯s still used in wine and brewing contexts. In the wine world, a butt is around 108 imperial gallons (just under 500 liters, or around?), so it turns out that a buttload is¡ a buttload.
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 David LettermanYou've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not New Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
- From AZquotes.com via Wayne Onaka and GCFL ________________________________________________
A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek.
¡°Are you wiping off my kiss?¡± she asked.
¡°No¡±, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, ¡°I¡¯m just rubbing it in!¡±
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Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin. Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same two men in the same truck with the same penguin again.
He stops them and says, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this animal to a zoo yesterday?"
The driver replies, "We did officer! We are taking him to the movies today."
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Thought Of The Day: Well Done "Well done is better than well said."
- Benjamin Franklin ________________________________________________
Unbelievably TRUE - You can't make this stuff up
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We could use these signs!
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Stop Redundancy The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.? This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition. -----
Staff Meeting Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us. The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close. The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.? Moses: Does anyone have a solution? Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand. Moses: You! You have a solution? The PR Man -- No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament! ----
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
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We could all use a little magic in our lives sometimes, and Guillermo is here to help. Sponsored by M¨¦nage ¨¤ Trois Wines. Received from ArcaMax Jokes. |
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DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you printed a letter from a grandmother who said she was changing her will because neither her adult children nor her grandchildren ever wrote her thank-you notes when she sent a gift. I had taught my son the importance of writing thank-you notes, but he wasn't doing a very good job of completing the process. I cut out the letter from your column and sent it to him. Boy, what a difference it made. He was recently married, and many people have told me what heartfelt thank-you notes they received in a timely manner and how much they were appreciated. He recently had a birthday, and every person who wished him well got a written thank-you. Abby, please continue to remind your readers about the importance of thankfulness and kindness and what that means to others. Entitlement has gotten way out of hand. Handwritten thank-you notes are NOT old-fashioned. They lift the giver's heart. Thank you. -- TAMARA IN CALIFORNIA DEAR TAMARA: The subject of thank-you notes is one of the most common complaints I receive from readers. Some people put off writing them because they have difficulty expressing themselves via the written word, don't know what to say or are afraid they'll say the wrong thing. I advise readers to have a notebook handy when they open gifts and jot down the first words that come to mind when they see what's inside. For some reason, they mistakenly believe a thank-you must be long and flowery when, in fact, short and to the point is more effective. Do they like the color? The style? Is the gift something they've been wanting? Write it down and use it for inspiration! My Letters booklet contains samples of thank-you notes for birthday gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts and those that arrive at holiday time. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. You will find it also contains sample letters of congratulations as well as for difficult subjects, such as the loss of a parent, spouse or a child. Many readers have told me my booklet has served as a valuable tool in teaching their children basic good manners.
DEAR ABBY: I am elderly and stuck in a miserable marriage. The romance is long gone. We live as roommates. If I were to die tomorrow, I don't think anyone would miss me. I'm partially disabled, and it is difficult for me to get out on my own. Must I accept life as it is, or should I kick his butt out? -- HOPELESS IN TEXAS DEAR HOPELESS: If you are financially dependent upon your husband or need his help for personal needs, I do not recommend "kicking his butt out." Contact your nearest senior center and ask what activities are offered in your community, including transportation for seniors or people with disabilities. If you do, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover you are not as isolated as you think.
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Petty Stuff... So What?!
Direct link:?
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Daily Clean Jokes for November 22, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 22, 2024
Kirk's Limerick Nineteen eighty-eight, there was a day When the digging began in Calais. ????????????They dug also in Kent ????????????For the Chunnel, which meant That it finally got?underway. ? Jim and Conrad and Grover and Bill got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.?? ----- Kirk's Puns?? I asked a nuclear physicist to make me a cocktail.??He made me a pina collider. ? I have to admit that as the hot dog vendor went on rather explicitly about how he likes to "caress each bun with mustard" and "tease it with dabs of relish," I was growing rather uncomfortable with his frank talk. ? The man who knew he?had?found his true love after their first kiss was a lip reader.?
The runner was leading the marathon until she ran into trouble. ?
Once upun a time, when seals had tremendous political clout, Diane Feinstein (the former mayor of San Francisco, now Senator) was running for governor.??An opposing candidate had a nightmare in which the ex-mayor was victorious in the election, thanks to the convincing campaigning of some savvy seals.??When the loser awoke, he saw a seal seated by his windowsill and sang out to it, "You picked a Feinstein to lead me, you seal!"?? -----
Kirk's Jokes
Junior had just received his brand new driver's license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.??"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.??"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." ? ? A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.??"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"??He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."??"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?" ? ? What is a cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats. ? ? A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change. ? ?
Instruction for the pub quiz was that the team names should be one word only. We were called ¡°Not very good at following instructions¡±.
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Kirk's Pictures
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Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary ? ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION:?Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE:?A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA:?Retched excess.
CHIC:?Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE:?A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT:?A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES:?Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA:?A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE:?Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER:?Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME:?A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING:?Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP:?Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clich¨¦s.
JOB:?A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER:?A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER:?A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING:?A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY:?The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY:?An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER:?A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING:?The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC:?Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY:?A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING:?Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE:?What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY:?An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS:?The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR:?A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also
SUPERSTAR:?A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART:?Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO:?Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT:?The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL:?The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN:?A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: (1)?A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. (2) What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance. X-CHROMOSOME:?A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE:?A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
Thanks, Kirk! ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Chinese man was sitting at the bar when a Jewish man comes up and punches him in the nose. He grabs his nose and says, ¡°What was that for?¡± The Jewish man says, ¡°That¡¯s for Pearl Harbor.¡± The Chinese man exclaims, ¡°Pearl Harbor?!? I¡¯m Chinese! That was the Japanese!¡± To which the Jewish man replies, ¡°Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese¡they¡¯re all the same.¡± The Chinese man sits at the bar getting angrier and angrier. Finally, he can take no more and goes and punches the Jewish man in his nose and says, ¡°That¡¯s for the Titanic!¡± The Jewish man is puzzled. ¡°The Titanic?!?¡± ¡°Goldberg, Steinberg, Iceberg¡they¡¯re all the same!¡± Replies the Chinese man.
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Before You Meet with God A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"?
"About two minutes ago," came the reply. ----- Don't Want to Go to School Mom goes to son's room to wake him up. "Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!" Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!" Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!" Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!"? Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school." "Why do I have to go to school?" Mother replies, "Because you're the PRINCIPAL!" ----- A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.
"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"
"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"
"The light was on." ----- Quick Quotes
"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno --- "Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? Divorced." --David Letterman? ---
"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" --Craig Kilborn -----
Magician Shin Lim talks about his live magic residency in Las Vegas and wows Jimmy and Questlove with a mind-blowing optical card trick where he can deal the exact cards they have in mind.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 21, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 21, 2024? ? ? ? ?
Kirk's Puns? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.??The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."??The defendant said, "I am Sparks, an electrician, charged with battery."??The judge winced and said, "Bailiff, put this man in a dry cell." ? He became an artist because he was drawn to it. ? What can be used to vaccinate against mathematical anxiety?? ?? ????Pythagorean Serum ? I tried to buy some goose feather pillows, but they were so expensive that I couldn't afford the down payment. ? Did you hear about the big winner on Jeopardy???He went home the next day and his wife demanded, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"
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Kirk's Limericks
"Costume party is where I have been, Dressed as jigsaw piece," said my friend Lynn. ????????????"Didn't like it, so I ????????????Very soon said good-bye. And the reason???I?didn't?fit?in."
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The wife told her husband, "Let's go antique shopping today. I'm feeling Victorian."
"No," he said, "let's not... I'm feeling baroque!"
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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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Thought Of The Day:??Being In Love ¡°I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.¡±
¨D Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages
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I gave my father $100 and said, ¡°Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.¡±
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
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Thought Of The Day:??Best Nickname Ever ¡°Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.¡±
-- Cynthia Hand, Unearthly
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My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it!
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I was walking down the road and saw my neighbor standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
? I shouted up to him, ¡°What¡¯s wrong?"
He replied, "It won¡¯t start!¡±??
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Thought Of The Day:??Afraid To Fail "Don¡¯t be afraid to fail. It¡¯s not the end of the world, and in many ways, it¡¯s the first step toward learning something and getting better at it."
- Jon Hamm _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 17 years to a good man with many great attributes. However, our relationship lacks connection. Every effort at emotional connection is initiated by me (like planning date nights or going out for a walk to have a conversation). I have told him many times I need him to make an effort to initiate. He always agrees, but never follows through. I have now stopped planning date nights and told him that we won't be going on a date unless he schedules and plans it. (I do not require anything elaborate -- a walk or a simple coffee would suffice.) That was two months ago, and he has made zero effort. I am lonely and at a loss. What should I do? I have clearly communicated my needs and what I expect from him, and he doesn't seem to care, so I'm not sure where to go from here. -- LONELY IN MINNESOTA DEAR LONELY: Has it not occurred to you that your husband of 17 years may not have the ability or experience to plan an outing? Assuming the two of you enjoy those walks and dates, and you want to stay married to him, resume taking the initiative and planning your personal time together and show him how it's done. It may not be romantic, but I have heard of men who have far worse flaws.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's unreasonable to ask an acquaintance/neighbor to send a quick text before dropping by? This neighbor lives within the same development I do. She is friendly enough, and we occasionally walk our dogs together, but she has a habit of coming by unannounced. I was out one afternoon and noticed later while viewing my security camera that she had come by and brought with her another woman and the woman's dog. I texted her and let her know that I saw that she had stopped by, and, in the future, I'd prefer she texted me before stopping over. Now she is offended and says she will "never stop over again." I saw her walk by my house recently and came out to speak to her. When I tried to talk to her, she held up her hand and said, "Don't even speak to me!" I think this is childish and drama-filled. What do you think? -- GROWN-UP IN OHIO DEAR GROWN-UP: I agree with you. The woman overreacted to your text. This is one of the reasons I believe talking on the phone or face-to-face is a better way to communicate because there's less chance of someone misconstruing a terse message and taking offense. As to her directive that you should not speak to her, take her up on it. Dropping in on someone with no warning is inconsiderate, bordering on rude.
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 20, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 20, 2024? ? ??
Who Is Smarter?Who is smarter, you or your dog?
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works... If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.
Received from Steve Sanderson? ----- Never Too OldTwo elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."
Received from Pastor Tim via GCFL. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
One-Liner Learning English: Before was was was, was was is. ----- Quote Poverty exists not because we cannot feed the poor, but because we cannot satisfy the rich. - Unknown ----- Parting Ways with Style My balding friend bought a new wig before moving away. So got him a comb ... as a parting gift. ----- Funny Answering Machines "Hi!? John's answering machine is broken.? This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets." "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.? We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up." "Hello, this is Sally's microwave.? Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.? Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone." "Hello, you are talking to a machine.? I am capable of receiving messages.? My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.? They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.? If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.? After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." "Hi, this is George.? I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.? Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." "Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.? ?Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU." ----- Why You Should Avoid the Hard Rock Cafe Hey all, I am not usually into scare-mongering and internet-based rumor spreading, however this came to me earlier to day and it is something I felt I ought to share. I am sure that like minded people will understand/appreciate this warning. Yesterday my Auntie's friend's daughter was on the on the train traveling from Johannesburg to Cape Town. A man of Arabic- appearance got off the train and she noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the stairs and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of bank notes. He offered her a reward, but she refused. So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to her: "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of advice for you." "Stay away from The Hard Rock Cafe" She was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she whispered. "No" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the food was terrible and the waitress was rude." ----- The Ambulance Down in the Valley ¡®Twas a dangerous cliff, as they freely confessed, Though to walk near its crest was so pleasant; But over its terrible edge there had slipped A duke and full many a peasant. So the people said something would have to be done, But their projects did not at all tally; Some said, ¡°Put a fence ¡¯round the edge of the cliff,¡± Some, ¡°An ambulance down in the valley.¡± But the cry for the ambulance carried the day, For it spread through the neighboring city; A fence may be useful or not, it is true, But each heart became full of pity For those who slipped over the dangerous cliff; And the dwellers in highway and alley Gave pounds and gave pence, not to put up a fence, But an ambulance down in the valley. ¡°For the cliff is all right, if you¡¯re careful,¡± they said, ¡°And, if folks even slip and are dropping, It isn¡¯t the slipping that hurts them so much As the shock down below when they¡¯re stopping.¡± So day after day, as these mishaps occurred, Quick forth would those rescuers sally To pick up the victims who fell off the cliff, With their ambulance down in the valley. Then an old sage remarked: ¡°It¡¯s a marvel to me That people give far more attention To repairing results than to stopping the cause, When they¡¯d much better aim at prevention. Let us stop at its source all this mischief,¡± cried he, ¡°Come, neighbors and friends, let us rally; If the cliff we will fence, we might almost dispense With the ambulance down in the valley.¡± ¡°Oh he¡¯s a fanatic,¡± the others rejoined, ¡°Dispense with the ambulance? Never! He¡¯d dispense with all charities, too, if he could; No! No! We¡¯ll support them forever. Aren¡¯t we picking up folks just as fast as they fall? And shall this man dictate to us? Shall he? Why should people of sense stop to put up a fence, While the ambulance works in the valley?¡± But the sensible few, who are practical too, Will not bear with such nonsense much longer; They believe that prevention is better than cure, And their party will soon be the stronger. Encourage them then, with your purse, voice, and pen, And while other philanthropists dally, They will scorn all pretense, and put up a stout fence On the cliff that hangs over the valley. Better guide well the young than reclaim them when old, For the voice of true wisdom is calling. ¡°To rescue the fallen is good, but ¡¯tis best To prevent other people from falling.¡± Better close up the source of temptation and crime Than deliver from dungeon or galley; Better put a strong fence ¡¯round the top of the cliff Than an ambulance down in the valley. - Joseph Malins (1895) _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"The only time you can't afford failure is the last time you try." --Charles Kettering --- "We don't have user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of context." -- Bill Gates attempting to explain his company's .net initiative.? --- "Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." --Jay Leno _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Lion and the Mime One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.? Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" ----- Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs.
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Tickets A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." ----- Quick Quotes "The only time you can't afford failure is the last time you try." -- Charles Kettering --- "We don't have user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of context." --Bill Gates attempting to explain his company's .net initiative.? --- "Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." -- Jay Leno Received from ArcaMax Jokes ~~
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- November 14, 2024?-
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three grown children, all of whom still live at home. I had always thought that once they graduated from college and got good jobs, they should start paying rent. Because my husband had to pay rent when he still lived at home, he said he would never do that to his kids. Our oldest, "Samantha," is now 31. She has a well-paying job and drives an expensive car. She does barely anything around the house but does buy her own food and toiletries. The other two help tremendously around the house, often without being asked. Samantha will sometimes do something, but I have to ask multiple times, and usually weeks go by before it gets done. She can't afford to move out because she has large student loan debt. Plus, why would she move when she lives rent-free and comes and goes as she pleases? Even her dog lives here for free. My husband and I have had many discussions about this, at my prompting, and it just leads to us arguing and me feeling resentful toward him. I couldn't enforce anything without his backing because, apparently, my opinion doesn't matter, so I just stay mad and wonder why I am even here. How can I make him realize how wrong he is and finally stop our daughter from walking all over us??-- FRUSTRATED IN NEW JERSEY DEAR FRUSTRATED:?Disagreements over child-rearing have destroyed marriages. Children should never be allowed to come between parents, which seems to have happened in your case. That your husband makes you feel your opinion doesn't matter is terrible. Does this disrespect spill over to aspects of your relationship other than this disagreement? At 31 (!) and gainfully employed, your daughter should have started shouldering some responsibility for herself years ago. Discuss this with a licensed mental health professional, and you may learn to become more assertive.
DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a lovely man. He respects me, appreciates me and accepts me (flaws and all), and we get along really well. He's the other half of me. Things are wonderful, except that he's been having really terrible breath lately, like a bad tooth or something. I've always been the quiet, shy type, never mentioning things that bother me (my kids' father abused me for several years), and I feel uncomfortable speaking up. But Abby, his bad breath drives me nuts. When he tries to kiss me, I give him a few pecks but feel repulsed at the unpleasant odor. How do I address this tactfully and respectfully? I don't want to embarrass him. How do I bring this up??-- PUT OFF IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR PUT OFF:?Bring this up not as a criticism, but because you love and care about him. Do it not for yourself but for him. He may be having a problem with his teeth, his gums or his digestive system. For the sake of his general health, he should be checked out, first with his dentist and possibly later with his doctor. |
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 19 , 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 19 , 2024? ??
Kirk's Limerick? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Rabbit saw new rose bushes, was glad; Liked to nibble on leaves, made wife mad. ????????????Wife erected a fence ????????????'Round the rose bushes, hence, Hungry rabbit is now?hopping?mad. ? Jim and Conrad and Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape with weeds, rocks, and junk everywhere.??But in no time he had it healthy, green, and beautifully manicured.??His neighbors got together and cited him for restoring lawn order. ? It is relatively simple to force kin to become circumcised. ? What do you call a comedian who crochets a sweater while on stage? ????A knit wit ? A spokesman for NASA confirmed that an extremely giddy gypsy had to be forcibly removed from Cape Canaveral.??She wanted to hold a meeting of the spirits before the next shuttle launch. "I had to tell her, 'Lady, this ain't rocket seanc¨¦.'??When she still wouldn't leave or stop laughing, we had to beat her into submission.??Sometimes it is hard to strike a happy medium." ? Why should you not leave a library book on the ground overnight? ????Because in the morning it will be over dew?
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Venezuelan Gang Wiped Out After Attempting To Take Over Buc-ee's
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX ¡ª A large Venezuelan gang was completely wiped out this week after trying to take over a local Buc-ee's location. According to eyewitnesses, the gang, which was formerly based in Denver, had grown too confident after finding it incredibly easy to take over several apartment complexes. The violent criminals were soon put in their place when they marched on a Buc-ee's, guns blazing, only to find themselves greeted by a world-class force of polite employees, roasted nuts, savory pulled pork, delicious fudge, and heavily armed Texans. "They never knew what hit them," recalled Shawn Erickson, who had stopped at the Buc-ee's and saw the entire shootout. "They rolled up and tried to start pushing people around and take control of the place. The lead guy barely got half of his first sentence out of his mouth before somebody smoked him. I'm not sure what they expected. This isn't Denver. All of the customers and half of the employees were armed." Word of the incident had already spread throughout the migrant criminal community, leading to what experts expected to be a drop in crime ¡ª at least around any Buc-ee's location. "These fellas better think twice," said Fred Alcott, a local cattle rancher who claimed to have taken down at least six gang members himself. "Buc-ee's may have the cleanest restrooms and the widest selection of jerky in the world, but when you mess with the bull, you get the horns. Horns of hot lead. God bless America." At publishing time, all Buc-ee's locations had been declared safe zones from migrant crime. ----- Typewriter Masterpieces Received from Kirk Miller. ~~
One-Liner
I run like the winded.
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Quote
"If you can't see the sun you will be impressed with a street light. If you've never felt thunder and lightning you'll be impressed with fireworks. And if you turn your back on the greatness and majesty of God you'll fall in love with a world of shadows and short-lived pleasures." - John Piper ~~ Egotistical Encounter
two egotists meet, it's an I for an I |
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The Head HogThe secretary picked up the phone and heard a very "countryfied" voice on the other end saying; "I want to talk to the head hog at the trough!" Puzzled, the secretary said, "Excuse me sir?" He repeated; "I want to talk to the head hog at the trough!" She then realized the man wanted to talk to the pastor.? Somewhat indignant, she said, "Sir if you want to talk to our pastor, you will have to address him properly.? You should call him Pastor, or Reverend, or Brother, but you certainly cannot refer to him as the Head Hog at the Trough!" The man on the other end said in a country drawl, "Oh I just wanted to donate $10,000 to the church." The secretary promptly replied, "Can you hold please, I think the big pig just walked through the door!"
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A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention. The worker organizes a collection among the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand-writing on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.? P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving crooks at the Post Office." |
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Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny,?
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Airborne RecruitingAfter enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump." Received from GCFL. ~~ One Hundred Dollars from God Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?
There were too many vets. Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.
Why do WWI veterans dislike golf?
They always end up in the bunker.
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge, no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
What do you call a veteran working at a sandwich shop?
A submarine. What do menopausal veterans get?
Hot flashbacks. ~~
When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
"T. Hanks - For the Memories"
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Exercise works best first thing in the morning...
Before your brain figures out what you're doing. ----- Thought Of The Day: Awesome Ends With Me ¡°Awesome ends with me, but Ugly starts with U...¡±
- Stephan
 
 
I Want To Get The Fullness Of Life!
Direct link:?
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DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old woman who seems to be the go-to person in my family to figure things out. Due to my stepmom not feeling comfortable enough with her English and my striving to win her approval, I made sure to take care of the things she couldn't from an early age. The problem is, while I used to be proud of myself for always being able to figure things out, I no longer feel that way. There are five siblings in total. We are all adults now, but my stepmom seems to come only to me to solve any issues she has. If anyone does offer her assistance, she'll say something like, "That's fine, but I'll just ask your sister instead." I understand this may be my fault because of my incessant need to please her. Lately, however, I've been struggling more and more with feeling used, as if my worth is dependent only on what I can do for her. Is there a way to change her expectations without having to tell her outright how I feel? -- TOO HELPFUL IN CALIFORNIA DEAR TOO HELPFUL: You might find it easier to start by being less available when your stepmother has a "honey-do." She may be shocked and not like it, so be prepared when you tell her to ask one of your siblings. The alternative is to be completely upfront with her about your feelings, including the fact that you feel she values you only because of what she perceives you can do for her. Being the only "adult" in the family is a terrible burden to be placed on a child, which appears to be what has happened to you. I knew someone like this. Like you, he was the designated problem-solver in the family. Sadly, no one was grateful for his efforts. Instead, they not only took advantage of him, but also resented him for it. Call a halt to this scenario before you start to seriously dislike your "helpless" stepmom.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a walker, and I'd like to know, is there a rule regarding passing an oncoming walker? I tend to stay on my right as though I were driving a car, but the occasional walker seems insistent upon staying on their left. Also, a shoutout to your readers: Sidewalks are for pedestrians, so please don't park your vehicles, lawn mowers, lawn equipment, home maintenance/repair equipment, etc. on them. While it's easy for me to maneuver around them, it isn't easy for small children on bikes or individuals using wheelchairs or pushing strollers. -- STROLLING IN FLORIDA DEAR STROLLING: The etiquette for pedestrians is the same as that for drivers in all 50 states: Keep to the right side of the "road." Also, people who ride scooters and bicycles on the sidewalk are a danger to pedestrians. In many communities, there may be ordinances to discourage parking equipment on sidewalks. If the arrangement is semi-permanent, visit your city hall website to determine to which department the violation(s) should be reported. |
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 18, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 18, 2024? ? ? ? ??
Kirk's Limerick? ?
In her garden, a woman did learn Weeds were spreading real fast.??She did yearn ????????????Weeds be gone and did say ????????????'Bout the weeds, a clich¨¦: They're becoming a?growing?concern. ? Bill and Conrad and Jim got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
I won all the prizes at the Janitor Association party.??It was a clean sweep. ? It seemed to be raining coins last night.? I suspect that¡¯s what they mean by some change in the weather. ? Why did the elf turn his phone to silent? He was bored of the rings. ? I like playing quiet tennis. It¡¯s like regular tennis but no one raises a racquet.
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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.Kirk's?
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
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Kirk's Jokes
The Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within." ? What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?
????A Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and the scientific name, and a Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe. ? A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" ? Paddy O'Flaherty had been ill for some time and he knew he was not long for this world. But one morning the smell of corned beef and cabbage reached his nostrils and quite perked him up.
Feebly, he called his son. "As one of my last requests please fetch me a plate of that lovely corned beef I can smell your mother cooking."
The lad was back in a trice. "Mum says you can't have any. It's for the wake." ? It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know...
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.
--
True News ? Always Read the Fine Print:?Jeffery Piccolo, his mother, and his wife, Dr. Kanokporn Tangsuan, all went out to eat at Raglan Road IrishPub at Disney Springs in Orlando, Fla. After bringing up Tangsuan¡¯s severe allergies multiple times and confirming with the waiter that her food was safe, the family ate dinner. But 45 minutes later, Dr. Tangsuan ¡°began having severe difficulty breathing and collapsed to the floor.¡± She died in a hospital that night. A medical examiner determined the ¡°cause of death was as a result of anaphylaxis due to elevated levels of dairy and nut in her system,¡± according to the lawsuit Piccolo filedagainst the restaurant and Walt Disney Parks and Resorts U.S. Inc. Disney has asked the court to move the case to arbitration because Piccolo supposedly agreed to that when he signed up for a Disney+ TV free trial ¡ª in 2019. His lawyers have called the motion ¡°preposterous,¡± bordering on the ¡°surreal¡± and ¡°fatally flawed for numerous independent reasons.¡± In a statement, Disney said that ¡°Given that this restaurant is neither owned nor operated by Disney, we are merely defending ourselvesagainst the plaintiff¡¯s attorney¡¯s attempt to include us in their lawsuit against the restaurant.¡± (MS/NBC, NPR)?...So they¡¯re saying it would be pretty wild to use something completely unrelated against you. Offensive to Alcoholics:?Disney¡¯s Country Bear Jamboree is being revamped a bit for the 2024 season. The show, which dates back to the early 1970s, isn¡¯t quite with the times, specifically with the drunken ¡°Liver Lips McGrowl¡± bear, which is also one of the ¡°meetable¡± characters visitors can interact with. The problem: the term ¡°liver lips¡± is associated with alcoholism and its associated liver damage. The bear will be renamed ¡°Romeo McGrowl¡± but will look essentially the same, with its hair combed differently. Disney says the action is due to the company¡¯s ¡°commitment to addressing and rectifying outdated or culturally insensitive elements within its attractions.¡± (RC/Staten Island Advance)?...Disney¡¯s undesirables: out of the theme parks, onto the legal team. In Security:?The U.S. Secret Service did a security sweep of Alicia Powers¡¯s Pittsfield, Mass., hair salon but, she says, did not ask her permission to use it as a rest area when Vice President Kamala Harris came to town. Powers was on vacation when she got a notification on her phone that something was happening at her business. An agent ¡°walked around the porch, walked around the side of the building and then popped back up on the porch, grabbed the chair, hopped up and taped the camera,¡± Powers said. She alleges agents or their associates broke in, ate her snacks, and used her bathroom. According to Powers, the agency apologized and offered to cover cleaning and any damage. But a Secret Service spokeswoman told a news site, ¡°Our personnel would not enter, or instruct our partners to enter, a business without the owner¡¯s permission.¡± Powers says the apology helped, but she¡¯s still upset, especially because the intruders ¡°left the tape on my camera and they left my backdoor completely unlocked.¡± (AC/Berkshire Eagle)?...It wouldn¡¯t be the first time the government took security from a private person to give it to officials. Well Hello!?Japanese entertainment company Sanrio, the company behind the ¡°Hello Kitty¡± brand, would like to clear up a little misconception about their most famous little cartoon character, created in 1974 by employee Yuko Shimizu. ¡°Hello Kitty is not a cat,¡± insists Jill Koch, the company¡¯s senior vice president of marketing and brand management. ¡°She¡¯s actually a little girl.¡± However, Shimizu has said that her design is ¡°a white cat with a red bow in its hair,¡± and that ¡°When I was a child, I got a small white kitten from my father for a birthday present.¡± In 2013, just the Hello Kitty portion of Sanrio¡¯s portfolio brought in US $8 billion in sales. Fans insist it¡¯s a cat. (RC/USA Today)?...Hello Kitty is not a cat. It¡¯s a cash cow.
We¡¯ve Got a Winner
Polk County Man Stabbed Roommate over Argument on Who Spent the Most on Fueling Their Car
WTVT Tampa headline
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Apparently, this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog.
My bad dude, my bad... -----
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years." ----- Thought Of The Day:??It Takes Honesty "It takes courage to live through suffering; and it takes honesty to observe it."
C.S. Lewis ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: Our friend "Carrie" revealed to our close friend group that for the last few years she has been having an affair with her best friend "Julia's" husband. Their kids are best friends, and they spend a lot of time together, even taking family vacations. We have told Carrie many times how this can affect the kids, which she acknowledges, but the affair continues. This dirty secret is becoming increasingly difficult to keep because we love Julia, but nobody wants to be the messenger. Should we tell Julia, or wait until it inevitably comes out? -- ROTTEN IN RHODE ISLAND DEAR ROTTEN: Are you sure Julia knows nothing about the affair and hasn't chosen to ignore it? Julia has children who still live at home. If you spill the beans, what will it do to the intact lifestyle they presumably enjoy? If you prefer not to hear any more about Carrie's hijinks, tell her you don't want to know any more. But I vote for keeping your mouth shut when it comes to making the revelations.
DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have been married for three years and have an 8-month-old son. She stays home to care for the baby. My son works from home as well. He has now taken a second job to make ends meet, so three days a week he works 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then leaves from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. and returns home at 11 p.m. His wife believes in co-sleeping, which means she sleeps in the bed with the baby, while my son sleeps on a mattress on the floor. This has been going on since the child was born. My son also does 80% of the cooking. They live a thousand miles away, so I can't help. He is almost her slave. I don't want to say anything, but I would like their marriage to last. What should I do? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA DEAR CONCERNED: The last thing you need to do is interfere. Unless your son complains to you about the arrangement, stay out of it. If the situation becomes intolerable, your son will deal with it.
DEAR ABBY: It's been five years since my position as professor at a small graduate school ended. I was forced out after 30 years of teaching, and two years short of my announced retirement date. I did nothing wrong. The reasons given were vague. Being deprived of a solid explanation hurt me deeply. There was no severance pay and no benefits. I lost a substantial amount of income at a crucial point in my life, but no one seemed to give that a thought. For a long time, I was heartsick. I cannot yet find it in myself to forgive the dean and the president of the school. But somehow, I feel I should. How do I get unstuck? I've actually moved on in many ways, but I just can't forgive. -- HURTING STILL DEAR HURTING: Here's how to get unstuck: Find a competent attorney who specializes in wrongful termination and discuss what was done to you. Follow the attorney's advice, and when you are properly compensated, you are likely to be in a far more forgiving mood than you are today. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
Be kind, be fair, be honest, be true, and these things will come back to you.
Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Free
Direct link:?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Don't Waste Time On Jealousy
Direct link:?
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Daily Clean Jokes for November 17, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 17, 2024? ?
Kirk's Limerick
After rainstorm, sun made the sky bright; Saw a rainbow, a beautiful sight. ????????????"Rainbow's heavy, that right?" ????????????Asked my son.??"No, not quite," I replied, "It is just?pretty?light." ? Bill and Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
-----
Kirk's Puns
Lumber companies have many board meetings. ? "Go bowling???Are you crazy???I hate to bowl!??I loathe bowling!"??"What is his problem?"??"Irritable bowl syndrome." ? A kangaroo that can't jump is completely hopless. ? When Wham-o?launched the Frisbee in the late 1950s, they?flew off the shelf. ? A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape -- full of weeds, rocks and junk.??But in no time he had it healthy, green, and beautifully manicured.??His neighbors got together and cited him for restoring lawn order.
-----
Elon Musk Getting Ready To Haul 3 Wells To White House Door So He Can Knock And Say, 'Well, Well, Well'
WASHINGTON, D.C. ¡ª According to sources, Elon Musk is preparing for his first day at the White House by hauling three wells to the door so he can knock and then say "Well, well, well."
"He, he, get it?" said Musk with a knowing smile. "Well, well, well! Hahahahaha!" Several sources close to Musk say he's been trying to think of a meme that would top his famous "let that sink in" joke in which he lugged an actual sink into Twitter headquarters. They say he stayed up several nights coming up with the perfect pun for his government debut. Staff currently serving in the White House were not amused. "This sort of disgusting, cruel, and inappropriate behavior is just further proof that Elon Musk is an existential threat to democracy itself," said Chief of Staff Jeff Zients to reporters. "There is nothing funny about dragging three literal wells to the White House and saying 'well, well, well.' Does he really think now is an appropriate time for laughter? Elon Musk should just leave well enough alone." Elon is reportedly hoping the three wells will become a permanent decorative fixture on the White House lawn, commemorating his absolutely legendary decision to drag three wells onto the White House lawn and say "well, well, well." At publishing time, Elon had also been seen dragging a table to the White House front door and then turning it over so he could say "Wow, it appears the tables have turned." ----- In NBA First, LeBron And Bronny Execute Synchronized Father-Son Flop ¡¤Oct 23, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
LOS ANGELES, CA ¡ª History was made on the basketball court last night when fans witnessed a once-in-a-lifetime moment as LeBron James and his son Bronny executed the NBA's first perfectly synchronized father-son flop.
The younger James joined his legendary father on the court last night for a few minutes of playing time, which culminated with both LeBron and his son simultaneously flinging themselves to the floor and crying for several minutes for no apparent reason. "He's a chip off the old block, that's for sure," Lakers Head Coach J.J. Reddick said following the game. "There's been a lot of talk about whether Bronny belongs in the league, but when you see him execute a perfect flop like that alongside his father, you see the potential. You can tell LeBron has been teaching him the important things." Experts agreed that even though Bronny may still need some development before he can become an NBA star, the tools are there. "His future looks pretty bright," said ESPN analyst Richard Jefferson. "He may be a rookie, but he's flopping like a 20-year veteran. He's been watching his father do it night in and night out his whole life, and now he's ready to do it himself. He can't score or rebound very well, and he's not really big enough for the NBA, but that boy sure can roll around on the ground and fake a groin injury." At publishing time, fans and media also came away impressed by Bronny's ability to whine about the referees at an all-star level. -----
Life in the Slaw Lane
?????It was Cucumber the first; summer was over. I had just spinached a long day and I was busheled. I'm the kinda guy that works hard for his celery and I don't mind telling you I was feeling a bit wilted.??But I didn't carrot all. 'Cause, otherwise, things were vine. I try never to disparagus and I _don't_ sweat the truffles. I'm outstanding in my field and I know something good will turnip eventually. A bunch of things were going grape, and soon, I'd be top banana. At least, that's my peeling. But that's enough corn; lend me your ear and lettuce continue: After dressing, I stalked on over to the grain station. I got there just in lime to catch the nine-elemon as it plowed toward the core of Appleton, a lentil more than a melon-and-a-half Yeast of Cloveland. ????????CHORUS: Life in the slaw lane. ?????????They say plants can't feel no pain. ?????????Life in the slaw lane. ?????????I've got news for you: They're just as frail as you. ?????No one got off at Zucchini, so we continued on a rotaBega.??Passing my usual stop, I got avoCado. I hailed a passing Yellow Cabbage and told the driver to cart me off to Broccolyn. I was going to meet my brother across from the eggplant where he had a job at the Saffron station pumpkin gas. As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam. He told me his wife had been raisin cane. Her name was Peaches: a soiled but radishing beauty with HUGE goards. My brother had always been a chestnut, but I could neve figured out why she picked him. He was a skinny little string bean who had always suffered from cerebral parsley. It was in our roots. Sure, we had tried to weed it out, but the problem still romained. He was used to having a tough row to how, but it irrigated me to see Artichoke, and it bothered my brother to see his marriage going to seed. ?????????CHORUS ????Like most mapled couples, they had a lot of grilling to do. Sure, they'd sown their wild oats, but just barley if you peas. Finally, Peaches had given him an ultomato. She said, "I'm hip to your chive, and you don't stop smoking that herb, I'm gonna leaf ya for Basil, ya fruit!" He said he didn't realize it had kumquat so far. Onion other hand, even though Peaches could be the pits, I knew she'd never call the fuzz. ?????????CHORUS ?????So I said, "Hay, we're not farm from the Mushroom! Let's walk over." He said, "That's a very rice place. That's the same little bar where alfalfa my wife!" When we got there, I pulled up a cherry and tried to produce small talk. I told him I haven't seen Olive; not since I shelled off for a trip to Macadamia when I told her, "We cantaloupe." The time just wasn't ripe. She knew what I mint. When we left the Mushroom, we were pretty well-juiced. I told Arti to say hello to the boysenBerry and that I'd orange to see him another thyme. Well, it all came out in the morning peppers: Arti caught Peaches that night with Basil, and Arti beat Basil bad, leaving him with two beautiful acres. Peaches? She was found in the garden; she'd been pruned. ?????????CHORUS ?????Well, my little story is okra now. Maybe it's small potatoes.??Me? Idaho. My name? Wheat. My friends call me "Kernel". And that's life in the slaw lane. Thank you so mulch. ?????????CHORUS ?????It's a garden out there! (By Kip Addotta)
-----
A Whale of a Controversy
~~
~~
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a couple for 30 years. Both are alcoholics. They function, work at farmers' markets, are sociable, have a house and pay their bills. Yet, at least once, maybe twice a month, they get totally wasted and the wife calls me and rambles on incoherently. I suspect they get drunk even more frequently, but, thankfully, I don't get a call every time they are on a binge. I have been in terrible relationships in which I drank too much to numb myself. Thankfully, I have been out of such toxicity for years. But I'm having increasing difficulty dealing with these drunken phone calls. I suspect I'm the only person my friend calls because she knows few others would understand her slurred babble. I'm weary from these calls. How do I deflect them? -- TIRED EAR IN ARIZONA DEAR TIRED EAR: Put an end to those calls by being frank with your friend about the effect they have on you. Do this while she is sober. Tell her you do not want her calling you after she has been drinking because her speech is so slurred that you can't understand what she's saying. Say if it happens again you will hang up the phone, and if it does, follow through. Let her calls go to voicemail. If you would like to maintain any sort of relationship with this couple, see them socially only when they are (reasonably) sober.
DEAR ABBY: When I was a teenager, my immigrant grandparents brought back hand-knit sweaters from Ireland, the country in which they were born, for everyone in our family. I cherish mine and take care of it, even though I've outgrown it. Years later, a close friend asked to borrow this sweater for her neighbor's child, who needed "something Irish" for a show-and-tell event at school. The kids were asked to bring items that had to do with Ireland. When I refused to loan my heirloom sweater, my friend told me she'd already promised her neighbor she could borrow it. She became very angry, accused me of being selfish and hasn't spoken to me for a couple months. We live in the same town, so I run into her sometimes. She's cordial but distant and clearly still upset with me. Bear in mind that I hardly know my friend's neighbor -- the one who wanted to borrow my sweater for her child. But even if I did, I wouldn't loan this heirloom to anyone. Was I wrong? -- SENTIMENTAL IN MICHIGAN DEAR SENTIMENTAL: You were neither selfish nor wrong! Your "friend" was out of line. She should never have promised anyone the use of property that wasn't hers. And for her to ice you now for refusing to give it to her and risk that something so precious to you could be damaged is plenty nervy. My advice is to follow her example. Be cordial but distant, and do not permit her to make you the bad guy for saying no. -----
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Daily Clean Jokes for November 17, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 17, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Kirk's Limerick
After rainstorm, sun made the sky bright; Saw a rainbow, a beautiful sight. ????????????"Rainbow's heavy, that right?" ????????????Asked my son.??"No, not quite," I replied, "It is just?pretty?light." ? Bill and Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
-----
Kirk's Puns
Lumber companies have many board meetings. ? "Go bowling???Are you crazy???I hate to bowl!??I loathe bowling!"??"What is his problem?"??"Irritable bowl syndrome." ? A kangaroo that can't jump is completely hopless. ? When Wham-o?launched the Frisbee in the late 1950s, they?flew off the shelf. ? A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape -- full of weeds, rocks and junk.??But in no time he had it healthy, green, and beautifully manicured.??His neighbors got together and cited him for restoring lawn order.
-----
Elon Musk Getting Ready To Haul 3 Wells To White House Door So He Can Knock And Say, 'Well, Well, Well'
WASHINGTON, D.C. ¡ª According to sources, Elon Musk is preparing for his first day at the White House by hauling three wells to the door so he can knock and then say "Well, well, well."
"He, he, get it?" said Musk with a knowing smile. "Well, well, well! Hahahahaha!" Several sources close to Musk say he's been trying to think of a meme that would top his famous "let that sink in" joke in which he lugged an actual sink into Twitter headquarters. They say he stayed up several nights coming up with the perfect pun for his government debut. Staff currently serving in the White House were not amused. "This sort of disgusting, cruel, and inappropriate behavior is just further proof that Elon Musk is an existential threat to democracy itself," said Chief of Staff Jeff Zients to reporters. "There is nothing funny about dragging three literal wells to the White House and saying 'well, well, well.' Does he really think now is an appropriate time for laughter? Elon Musk should just leave well enough alone." Elon is reportedly hoping the three wells will become a permanent decorative fixture on the White House lawn, commemorating his absolutely legendary decision to drag three wells onto the White House lawn and say "well, well, well." At publishing time, Elon had also been seen dragging a table to the White House front door and then turning it over so he could say "Wow, it appears the tables have turned." ----- In NBA First, LeBron And Bronny Execute Synchronized Father-Son Flop ¡¤Oct 23, 2024 ¡¤ BabylonBee.com
LOS ANGELES, CA ¡ª History was made on the basketball court last night when fans witnessed a once-in-a-lifetime moment as LeBron James and his son Bronny executed the NBA's first perfectly synchronized father-son flop.
The younger James joined his legendary father on the court last night for a few minutes of playing time, which culminated with both LeBron and his son simultaneously flinging themselves to the floor and crying for several minutes for no apparent reason. "He's a chip off the old block, that's for sure," Lakers Head Coach J.J. Reddick said following the game. "There's been a lot of talk about whether Bronny belongs in the league, but when you see him execute a perfect flop like that alongside his father, you see the potential. You can tell LeBron has been teaching him the important things." Experts agreed that even though Bronny may still need some development before he can become an NBA star, the tools are there. "His future looks pretty bright," said ESPN analyst Richard Jefferson. "He may be a rookie, but he's flopping like a 20-year veteran. He's been watching his father do it night in and night out his whole life, and now he's ready to do it himself. He can't score or rebound very well, and he's not really big enough for the NBA, but that boy sure can roll around on the ground and fake a groin injury." At publishing time, fans and media also came away impressed by Bronny's ability to whine about the referees at an all-star level. -----
Life in the Slaw Lane
?????It was Cucumber the first; summer was over. I had just spinached a long day and I was busheled. I'm the kinda guy that works hard for his celery and I don't mind telling you I was feeling a bit wilted.??But I didn't carrot all. 'Cause, otherwise, things were vine. I try never to disparagus and I _don't_ sweat the truffles. I'm outstanding in my field and I know something good will turnip eventually. A bunch of things were going grape, and soon, I'd be top banana. At least, that's my peeling. But that's enough corn; lend me your ear and lettuce continue: After dressing, I stalked on over to the grain station. I got there just in lime to catch the nine-elemon as it plowed toward the core of Appleton, a lentil more than a melon-and-a-half Yeast of Cloveland. ????????CHORUS: Life in the slaw lane. ?????????They say plants can't feel no pain. ?????????Life in the slaw lane. ?????????I've got news for you: They're just as frail as you. ?????No one got off at Zucchini, so we continued on a rotaBega.??Passing my usual stop, I got avoCado. I hailed a passing Yellow Cabbage and told the driver to cart me off to Broccolyn. I was going to meet my brother across from the eggplant where he had a job at the Saffron station pumpkin gas. As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam. He told me his wife had been raisin cane. Her name was Peaches: a soiled but radishing beauty with HUGE goards. My brother had always been a chestnut, but I could neve figured out why she picked him. He was a skinny little string bean who had always suffered from cerebral parsley. It was in our roots. Sure, we had tried to weed it out, but the problem still romained. He was used to having a tough row to how, but it irrigated me to see Artichoke, and it bothered my brother to see his marriage going to seed. ?????????CHORUS ????Like most mapled couples, they had a lot of grilling to do. Sure, they'd sown their wild oats, but just barley if you peas. Finally, Peaches had given him an ultomato. She said, "I'm hip to your chive, and you don't stop smoking that herb, I'm gonna leaf ya for Basil, ya fruit!" He said he didn't realize it had kumquat so far. Onion other hand, even though Peaches could be the pits, I knew she'd never call the fuzz. ?????????CHORUS ?????So I said, "Hay, we're not farm from the Mushroom! Let's walk over." He said, "That's a very rice place. That's the same little bar where alfalfa my wife!" When we got there, I pulled up a cherry and tried to produce small talk. I told him I haven't seen Olive; not since I shelled off for a trip to Macadamia when I told her, "We cantaloupe." The time just wasn't ripe. She knew what I mint. When we left the Mushroom, we were pretty well-juiced. I told Arti to say hello to the boysenBerry and that I'd orange to see him another thyme. Well, it all came out in the morning peppers: Arti caught Peaches that night with Basil, and Arti beat Basil bad, leaving him with two beautiful acres. Peaches? She was found in the garden; she'd been pruned. ?????????CHORUS ?????Well, my little story is okra now. Maybe it's small potatoes.??Me? Idaho. My name? Wheat. My friends call me "Kernel". And that's life in the slaw lane. Thank you so mulch. ?????????CHORUS ?????It's a garden out there! (By Kip Addotta)
-----
A Whale of a Controversy
~~
~~
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a couple for 30 years. Both are alcoholics. They function, work at farmers' markets, are sociable, have a house and pay their bills. Yet, at least once, maybe twice a month, they get totally wasted and the wife calls me and rambles on incoherently. I suspect they get drunk even more frequently, but, thankfully, I don't get a call every time they are on a binge. I have been in terrible relationships in which I drank too much to numb myself. Thankfully, I have been out of such toxicity for years. But I'm having increasing difficulty dealing with these drunken phone calls. I suspect I'm the only person my friend calls because she knows few others would understand her slurred babble. I'm weary from these calls. How do I deflect them? -- TIRED EAR IN ARIZONA DEAR TIRED EAR: Put an end to those calls by being frank with your friend about the effect they have on you. Do this while she is sober. Tell her you do not want her calling you after she has been drinking because her speech is so slurred that you can't understand what she's saying. Say if it happens again you will hang up the phone, and if it does, follow through. Let her calls go to voicemail. If you would like to maintain any sort of relationship with this couple, see them socially only when they are (reasonably) sober.
DEAR ABBY: When I was a teenager, my immigrant grandparents brought back hand-knit sweaters from Ireland, the country in which they were born, for everyone in our family. I cherish mine and take care of it, even though I've outgrown it. Years later, a close friend asked to borrow this sweater for her neighbor's child, who needed "something Irish" for a show-and-tell event at school. The kids were asked to bring items that had to do with Ireland. When I refused to loan my heirloom sweater, my friend told me she'd already promised her neighbor she could borrow it. She became very angry, accused me of being selfish and hasn't spoken to me for a couple months. We live in the same town, so I run into her sometimes. She's cordial but distant and clearly still upset with me. Bear in mind that I hardly know my friend's neighbor -- the one who wanted to borrow my sweater for her child. But even if I did, I wouldn't loan this heirloom to anyone. Was I wrong? -- SENTIMENTAL IN MICHIGAN DEAR SENTIMENTAL: You were neither selfish nor wrong! Your "friend" was out of line. She should never have promised anyone the use of property that wasn't hers. And for her to ice you now for refusing to give it to her and risk that something so precious to you could be damaged is plenty nervy. My advice is to follow her example. Be cordial but distant, and do not permit her to make you the bad guy for saying no. ----- 
 
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 18, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 18, 2024? ? ? ? ??
Kirk's Limerick? ?
In her garden, a woman did learn Weeds were spreading real fast.??She did yearn ????????????Weeds be gone and did say ????????????'Bout the weeds, a clich¨¦: They're becoming a?growing?concern. ? Bill and Conrad and Jim got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
=====
Kirk's Puns
I won all the prizes at the Janitor Association party.??It was a clean sweep. ? It seemed to be raining coins last night.? I suspect that¡¯s what they mean by some change in the weather. ? Why did the elf turn his phone to silent? He was bored of the rings. ? I like playing quiet tennis. It¡¯s like regular tennis but no one raises a racquet.
-----
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.Kirk's?
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
-----
Kirk's Jokes
The Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within." ? What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?
????A Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and the scientific name, and a Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe. ? A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" ? Paddy O'Flaherty had been ill for some time and he knew he was not long for this world. But one morning the smell of corned beef and cabbage reached his nostrils and quite perked him up.
Feebly, he called his son. "As one of my last requests please fetch me a plate of that lovely corned beef I can smell your mother cooking."
The lad was back in a trice. "Mum says you can't have any. It's for the wake." ? It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know...
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.
--
True News ? Always Read the Fine Print:?Jeffery Piccolo, his mother, and his wife, Dr. Kanokporn Tangsuan, all went out to eat at Raglan Road IrishPub at Disney Springs in Orlando, Fla. After bringing up Tangsuan¡¯s severe allergies multiple times and confirming with the waiter that her food was safe, the family ate dinner. But 45 minutes later, Dr. Tangsuan ¡°began having severe difficulty breathing and collapsed to the floor.¡± She died in a hospital that night. A medical examiner determined the ¡°cause of death was as a result of anaphylaxis due to elevated levels of dairy and nut in her system,¡± according to the lawsuit Piccolo filedagainst the restaurant and Walt Disney Parks and Resorts U.S. Inc. Disney has asked the court to move the case to arbitration because Piccolo supposedly agreed to that when he signed up for a Disney+ TV free trial ¡ª in 2019. His lawyers have called the motion ¡°preposterous,¡± bordering on the ¡°surreal¡± and ¡°fatally flawed for numerous independent reasons.¡± In a statement, Disney said that ¡°Given that this restaurant is neither owned nor operated by Disney, we are merely defending ourselvesagainst the plaintiff¡¯s attorney¡¯s attempt to include us in their lawsuit against the restaurant.¡± (MS/NBC, NPR)?...So they¡¯re saying it would be pretty wild to use something completely unrelated against you. Offensive to Alcoholics:?Disney¡¯s Country Bear Jamboree is being revamped a bit for the 2024 season. The show, which dates back to the early 1970s, isn¡¯t quite with the times, specifically with the drunken ¡°Liver Lips McGrowl¡± bear, which is also one of the ¡°meetable¡± characters visitors can interact with. The problem: the term ¡°liver lips¡± is associated with alcoholism and its associated liver damage. The bear will be renamed ¡°Romeo McGrowl¡± but will look essentially the same, with its hair combed differently. Disney says the action is due to the company¡¯s ¡°commitment to addressing and rectifying outdated or culturally insensitive elements within its attractions.¡± (RC/Staten Island Advance)?...Disney¡¯s undesirables: out of the theme parks, onto the legal team. In Security:?The U.S. Secret Service did a security sweep of Alicia Powers¡¯s Pittsfield, Mass., hair salon but, she says, did not ask her permission to use it as a rest area when Vice President Kamala Harris came to town. Powers was on vacation when she got a notification on her phone that something was happening at her business. An agent ¡°walked around the porch, walked around the side of the building and then popped back up on the porch, grabbed the chair, hopped up and taped the camera,¡± Powers said. She alleges agents or their associates broke in, ate her snacks, and used her bathroom. According to Powers, the agency apologized and offered to cover cleaning and any damage. But a Secret Service spokeswoman told a news site, ¡°Our personnel would not enter, or instruct our partners to enter, a business without the owner¡¯s permission.¡± Powers says the apology helped, but she¡¯s still upset, especially because the intruders ¡°left the tape on my camera and they left my backdoor completely unlocked.¡± (AC/Berkshire Eagle)?...It wouldn¡¯t be the first time the government took security from a private person to give it to officials. Well Hello!?Japanese entertainment company Sanrio, the company behind the ¡°Hello Kitty¡± brand, would like to clear up a little misconception about their most famous little cartoon character, created in 1974 by employee Yuko Shimizu. ¡°Hello Kitty is not a cat,¡± insists Jill Koch, the company¡¯s senior vice president of marketing and brand management. ¡°She¡¯s actually a little girl.¡± However, Shimizu has said that her design is ¡°a white cat with a red bow in its hair,¡± and that ¡°When I was a child, I got a small white kitten from my father for a birthday present.¡± In 2013, just the Hello Kitty portion of Sanrio¡¯s portfolio brought in US $8 billion in sales. Fans insist it¡¯s a cat. (RC/USA Today)?...Hello Kitty is not a cat. It¡¯s a cash cow.
We¡¯ve Got a Winner
Polk County Man Stabbed Roommate over Argument on Who Spent the Most on Fueling Their Car
WTVT Tampa headline
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Apparently, this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog.
My bad dude, my bad... -----
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years." ----- Thought Of The Day:??It Takes Honesty "It takes courage to live through suffering; and it takes honesty to observe it."
C.S. Lewis ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: Our friend "Carrie" revealed to our close friend group that for the last few years she has been having an affair with her best friend "Julia's" husband. Their kids are best friends, and they spend a lot of time together, even taking family vacations. We have told Carrie many times how this can affect the kids, which she acknowledges, but the affair continues. This dirty secret is becoming increasingly difficult to keep because we love Julia, but nobody wants to be the messenger. Should we tell Julia, or wait until it inevitably comes out? -- ROTTEN IN RHODE ISLAND DEAR ROTTEN: Are you sure Julia knows nothing about the affair and hasn't chosen to ignore it? Julia has children who still live at home. If you spill the beans, what will it do to the intact lifestyle they presumably enjoy? If you prefer not to hear any more about Carrie's hijinks, tell her you don't want to know any more. But I vote for keeping your mouth shut when it comes to making the revelations.
DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have been married for three years and have an 8-month-old son. She stays home to care for the baby. My son works from home as well. He has now taken a second job to make ends meet, so three days a week he works 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then leaves from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. and returns home at 11 p.m. His wife believes in co-sleeping, which means she sleeps in the bed with the baby, while my son sleeps on a mattress on the floor. This has been going on since the child was born. My son also does 80% of the cooking. They live a thousand miles away, so I can't help. He is almost her slave. I don't want to say anything, but I would like their marriage to last. What should I do? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA DEAR CONCERNED: The last thing you need to do is interfere. Unless your son complains to you about the arrangement, stay out of it. If the situation becomes intolerable, your son will deal with it.
DEAR ABBY: It's been five years since my position as professor at a small graduate school ended. I was forced out after 30 years of teaching, and two years short of my announced retirement date. I did nothing wrong. The reasons given were vague. Being deprived of a solid explanation hurt me deeply. There was no severance pay and no benefits. I lost a substantial amount of income at a crucial point in my life, but no one seemed to give that a thought. For a long time, I was heartsick. I cannot yet find it in myself to forgive the dean and the president of the school. But somehow, I feel I should. How do I get unstuck? I've actually moved on in many ways, but I just can't forgive. -- HURTING STILL DEAR HURTING: Here's how to get unstuck: Find a competent attorney who specializes in wrongful termination and discuss what was done to you. Follow the attorney's advice, and when you are properly compensated, you are likely to be in a far more forgiving mood than you are today. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
Be kind, be fair, be honest, be true, and these things will come back to you.
Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Free
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Don't Waste Time On Jealousy
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 15, 2023
Daily Clean Jokes for November 15, 2023? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Kirk's Limerick? ??
Local Walmart is where I just went; Bought perfume that's real cheap, so I spent ????????????Very little money ????????????On my latest honey. By FedEx I have?sent?a?cent?scent. ? Conrad and Carol and Jim and Bill got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
"I got a job as a yoga instructor."??"Is it a difficult job to get?"??"Are you kidding???I had to bend over backwards!" ? As a naturalist with a specialty in marsh ecosystems, I am swamped with work. ? Every time I sit down to take a dump, I start reading a newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business.??I think I have Attention Defecate Disorder. ? "He was as smooth as silk," declared Polly Ester, in a blanket statement she made about her ex-boyfriend.??"But he tried to pull the wool over my eyes and I don't cotton to that!??He wove a tapestry of lies and I am through with him.??That is vinyl, and I can't be suede!" ? Unemployment . . . it just isn't working!
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Kirk's Jokes
If my job was to drive a truck full of some highly explosive gas, I don't think I'd get much work done, because at every parking lot I passed I'd pull over and run from the truck screaming, "Look out! She's gonna blow!" ? A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"??The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.??"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.??"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!" ? This year so far we've been getting rain.??Just last week it rained here twice -- once for 3 days and once for 4. ? A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.??"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."??The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.??"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is postdated six years from now." ? An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.??The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.??Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and they too never drank out of the same glass twice.??Finally the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans they never have to drink with the same one twice.
Kirk Miller
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New Model"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCF.L.
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Today's One-Liner
I finally got eight hours of sleep; it took me three days, but whuatever.
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Today's Quote
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else." - Erma Bombeck
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Helpful Executive
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." ----- Rejecting Rejection The next time your application for a job is rejected fill this letter out and send it back. Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].? After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.? This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.? Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely,
[Your Name] ----- Laughing from the Grave:? A Millionaire's Unique Will A millionaire informed his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney. "Because," he said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died." The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells. |
Received from Pastor Tim.
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A Far Funny
My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "WOW! I never thought our son
would go that far!"
I said, "This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter."
>>>Today's Thot
If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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DEAR ABBY: I'm married, and in my mid-40s. My wife and I have a robust social life, for which we both feel very lucky and blessed. We have amazing friends who are a wonderful support system and with whom we go out regularly. Lately, our wives have been wanting to go to dance clubs, where the majority of people are half our age. I'm the youngest of the husbands in our friend group. We go along despite feeling uncomfortable. We get weird looks and the occasional comment, and it's awkward being there. We've talked about it among the guys and agree this is a tough situation. We've had conversations with our wives about feeling uncomfortable, and we all got similar responses, like "Well, then don't come." The one or two times I've sat out, my wife was cool toward me for several days afterward. She really enjoys going to clubs with her friends and I don't want her to stop enjoying her life. I also understand she feels safer in those environments when I'm around. It's just hard for me and my buddies to feel like losers or people who are "much too old to be at the club," despite the fact that we're with our wives. Is my perspective valid? Or do I just need to suck it up? -- SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND IN TEXAS DEAR HUSBAND: No guy is "too old" to go dancing. If your problem is that you feel weird doing it, you and your friends should consider signing up for some dance lessons. (No, I am not kidding.) With someone who is experienced and has the patience to teach you, you might actually have fun. Those who have two left feet or no sense of rhythm should consider another activity on the nights their wives go dancing. P.S. Your wife should not punish you for feeling awkward about going to those clubs. She should instead be trying to help you.
DEAR ABBY: I had an unpleasant experience when I joined a friend and a friend of hers at a restaurant for dinner recently. I arrived at the agreed-upon time, actually early, and expected to find them waiting in the lobby for me. They were nowhere to be seen, so texted my friend several times to tell her I was there and to ask where they were. I finally walked around the crowded restaurant and found them seated and eating salads and rolls. They had already ordered their dinners. I was angry. I thought it was poor etiquette since I was right on time. At least they could have waited to order and start eating. I repeat: I was not late. I will never agree to dine with them again. What do you think of this? -- OFFENDED IN THE EAST DEAR OFFENDED: I think your friends were rude. It certainly didn't make you feel welcome. If you could text them, they could have responded to let you know when and where they were seated. I don't blame you for being reluctant to dine with those two again. If you did, there's no guarantee you wouldn't be treated the same way. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 
Better To Cry
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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 14, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 14, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Kirk's Limerick?
Valley used to be lovely, just grand, But it's barren today, rather bland. ????????????Garbage dump is there now. ????????????It's a cinch to see how Valley changed, has become a?wasteland. ? Jim and Chris and Conrad got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Math HomeworkOne of my third-graders came to school crying. "Jonathan's upset because he couldn't complete his math homework," his mother explained.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Apparently," she said, "our computer doesn't have Roman numerals."
Received from Steve Sanderson.
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So I was in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, ¡°What gets rid of germs?¡±
She said, "Ammonia cleaner."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...¡±
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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!" -----
Thought Of The Day:??If We Knew ¡°If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?¡±
- Albert Einstein _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
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It was the interval at the Opera when Mrs. Sternberg rose from her seat and called: "Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house?!"
A man in a tuxedo pushed his way towards her. "I'm a doctor" he said.
"Oh, doctor," she said, "Have I got just the loveliest daughter for you ...."
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Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling? 4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas .. 1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
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Home Economics for Men 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop. 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral. 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead. 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back. 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In. 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In. 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink. 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill. 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.? 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves. 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means. 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's. 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category. 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh. 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet. 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed. 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty. 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime. 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It. -----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com-----
I made 10 robotic minions and gave them A.I. and then released them into my town to prank EVERYBODY
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Daily Clean Jokes for November 13, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for November 13, 2024? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.? ? ? Amber Dusick, author and artist
Kirk's Limerick
Pressure cooker technique is a bit Of a legend for chef with a wit. ????????????Many people will seek ????????????For her secret technique, But the chef likes to keep a?lid?on?it. ? Bill and Lars and Chris got it. ? Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Kirk's Puns
A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when they are fed up. ? A phone booth is a little place you can call home. ? I lost my job as a lumberjack.??They gave me the axe. ? When do clocks die? ????When their time is up ? Remember the Alamo? It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee
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Burly-looking BikerStuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a burly-looking biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley?" and, "I wonder if he's gay."
Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled in front of me. On the back of his jacket were stenciled the words, "Yes, it is. No, I'm not."
Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL ----- A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don¡¯t have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In a democracy it's your vote that counts...
In feudalism, it's your Count that votes!
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Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."
"Why's that?"
"Better selection of turkeys!"
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Thought Of The Day:??Vote For Them "Children don't vote but adults who do must stand up and vote for them."
- Marian Wright Edelman aJokeADay
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If you¡¯re wondering, ¡°How much stuff do I need to bring if I¡¯m out with a baby for 40 minutes?¡± the answer is ¡°only slightly less than someone traveling the Oregon Trail.¡± Raquel D¡¯Apice, author and comedian
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A Collection Funny A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around and for the first time in months everybody gave.
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>>>Today's Thot
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Two cows are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried by this mad cow disease?"
The second cow says, "It doesn't affect me - I'm a rabbit!"
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A man walked into a health center and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles." So she told him to have a seat.
An hour later he got in to see the doctor who asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the lorry. Where do you want them?"
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Bad Date Girls you know you're on a bad date when: You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller, honey." You've never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine. Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"? He's especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp. He calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over. He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.
----- Noisy Neighbor Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "they are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night." "Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbors?"? "I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"
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10 'Very Special Episodes' That Traumatized 80s KidsIn the 80s, family sitcoms decided to pivot to more serious content once or twice a season -- usually during sweeps. And these became known as "very special" episodes. These episodes became an opportunity to teach valuable life lessons to Gen X kids through relatable characters. But sometimes, they managed to traumatize us in the process. And they did it with a laugh track.? These are 10 of the most well-known very special episodes from our most favorite sitcoms that traumatized 80s kids. -----
----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Jim Gaffigan
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DEAR ABBY: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a brief fight with cancer. Her daughter, my niece, was scheduled to be married later this year. They struggle with finances, and my brother-in-law's death exacerbated the situation. In order to help out, my wife and I quietly gave them $1,000 to put toward my niece's shower so they could have it at a nice place. My sister was appreciative, but we unfortunately heard nothing from my niece. Fast-forward a couple months, and the wedding is now called off. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and have told me they have booked another. There has been no mention about returning our $1,000. My wife is becoming increasingly frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, which will create a family feud. While I agree the money should be returned, I am inclined to just write it off rather than stir up a mess. I would love to hear your perspective. -- GENEROUS IN THE EAST DEAR GENEROUS: My perspective is that where your sister and her daughter are concerned, you should firmly close your wallet. The money is gone, and you are right that raising the issue will cause ill will. Your generosity should have been acknowledged, and when the wedding was called off, your money should have been returned rather than applied to a mother/daughter vacation. If your niece does manage to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a "wedding gift." DEAR ABBY: Our family is having its first reunion since my mother and father have been gone. We three brothers are now the oldest generation. My older brothers are planning the event. They are inviting my ex-wife of 21 years, but none of my three nephews' exes. This is upsetting to me and my wife of 20 years. I feel strongly that when you marry, you marry into the family, and when you divorce, you divorce "out" of the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law have remained close friends since our divorce and have shunned my present wife. Should we be upset about the invitation? Should we not attend if my ex comes? One brother says she is still "part of the family" and should be included. My wife and I are furious. Who is right here? -- PARTY POOPER IN IOWA DEAR PARTY POOPER: Did your parents include your former wife at previous family reunions? If they did, I can understand why she would be welcomed at this one. However, if they did not, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your siblings' wives have shunned your wife of 20 years. That said, not all divorces are the same. Some former couples manage an amicable severance, and you cannot and should not dictate who your relatives choose to maintain relationships with. If you and your wife would feel more comfortable skipping the reunion, I wouldn't blame you. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D. When "Sugar Blues" hit the bookstores in 1986, it blew the whistle on America's addiction to sugar and the health harms it causes. But almost 40 years later, adults in this country are still downing about 60 pounds of added sugar a year, and research is continually uncovering health hazards that added sweetness causes.
A recent study in JAMA Network Open revealed that chronically elevated blood glucose ups your risk for depression by 30% and anxiety by 15%. But a healthy HDL ... __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    
  
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