Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 18, 2024

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Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 18, 2024

#2324

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for November 18, 2024? ? ? ? ??

Kirk's Limerick? ?

In her garden, a woman did learn

Weeds were spreading real fast.??She did yearn

????????????Weeds be gone and did say

????????????'Bout the weeds, a cliché:

They're becoming a?growing?concern.

Bill and Conrad and Jim got it.

Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.

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Kirk's Puns

I won all the prizes at the Janitor Association party.??It was a clean sweep.

It seemed to be raining coins last night.? I suspect that’s what they mean by some change in the weather.

Why did the elf turn his phone to silent? He was bored of the rings.

I like playing quiet tennis. It’s like regular tennis but no one raises a racquet.

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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.Kirk's?

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

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Kirk's Jokes

The Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?
????A Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and the scientific name, and a Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

Paddy O'Flaherty had been ill for some time and he knew he was not long for this world. But one morning the smell of corned beef and cabbage reached his nostrils and quite perked him up.
Feebly, he called his son. "As one of my last requests please fetch me a plate of that lovely corned beef I can smell your mother cooking."
The lad was back in a trice. "Mum says you can't have any. It's for the wake."

It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know...
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.

True News

Always Read the Fine Print:?Jeffery Piccolo, his mother, and his wife, Dr. Kanokporn Tangsuan, all went out to eat at Raglan Road IrishPub at Disney Springs in Orlando, Fla. After bringing up Tangsuan’s severe allergies multiple times and confirming with the waiter that her food was safe, the family ate dinner. But 45 minutes later, Dr. Tangsuan “began having severe difficulty breathing and collapsed to the floor.” She died in a hospital that night. A medical examiner determined the “cause of death was as a result of anaphylaxis due to elevated levels of dairy and nut in her system,” according to the lawsuit Piccolo filedagainst the restaurant and Walt Disney Parks and Resorts U.S. Inc. Disney has asked the court to move the case to arbitration because Piccolo supposedly agreed to that when he signed up for a Disney+ TV free trial — in 2019. His lawyers have called the motion “preposterous,” bordering on the “surreal” and “fatally flawed for numerous independent reasons.” In a statement, Disney said that “Given that this restaurant is neither owned nor operated by Disney, we are merely defending ourselvesagainst the plaintiff’s attorney’s attempt to include us in their lawsuit against the restaurant.” (MS/NBC, NPR)?...So they’re saying it would be pretty wild to use something completely unrelated against you.

Offensive to Alcoholics:?Disney’s Country Bear Jamboree is being revamped a bit for the 2024 season. The show, which dates back to the early 1970s, isn’t quite with the times, specifically with the drunken “Liver Lips McGrowl” bear, which is also one of the “meetable” characters visitors can interact with. The problem: the term “liver lips” is associated with alcoholism and its associated liver damage. The bear will be renamed “Romeo McGrowl” but will look essentially the same, with its hair combed differently. Disney says the action is due to the company’s “commitment to addressing and rectifying outdated or culturally insensitive elements within its attractions.” (RC/Staten Island Advance)?...Disney’s undesirables: out of the theme parks, onto the legal team.

In Security:?The U.S. Secret Service did a security sweep of Alicia Powers’s Pittsfield, Mass., hair salon but, she says, did not ask her permission to use it as a rest area when Vice President Kamala Harris came to town. Powers was on vacation when she got a notification on her phone that something was happening at her business. An agent “walked around the porch, walked around the side of the building and then popped back up on the porch, grabbed the chair, hopped up and taped the camera,” Powers said. She alleges agents or their associates broke in, ate her snacks, and used her bathroom. According to Powers, the agency apologized and offered to cover cleaning and any damage. But a Secret Service spokeswoman told a news site, “Our personnel would not enter, or instruct our partners to enter, a business without the owner’s permission.” Powers says the apology helped, but she’s still upset, especially because the intruders “left the tape on my camera and they left my backdoor completely unlocked.” (AC/Berkshire Eagle)?...It wouldn’t be the first time the government took security from a private person to give it to officials.

Well Hello!?Japanese entertainment company Sanrio, the company behind the “Hello Kitty” brand, would like to clear up a little misconception about their most famous little cartoon character, created in 1974 by employee Yuko Shimizu. “Hello Kitty is not a cat,” insists Jill Koch, the company’s senior vice president of marketing and brand management. “She’s actually a little girl.” However, Shimizu has said that her design is “a white cat with a red bow in its hair,” and that “When I was a child, I got a small white kitten from my father for a birthday present.” In 2013, just the Hello Kitty portion of Sanrio’s portfolio brought in US $8 billion in sales. Fans insist it’s a cat. (RC/USA Today)?...Hello Kitty is not a cat. It’s a cash cow.

We’ve Got a Winner
Polk County Man Stabbed Roommate over Argument on Who Spent the Most on Fueling Their Car
WTVT Tampa headline

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Apparently, this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog.

My bad dude, my bad...

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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

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Thought Of The Day:??It Takes Honesty

"It takes courage to live through suffering; and it takes honesty to observe it."

C.S. Lewis

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DEAR ABBY: Our friend "Carrie" revealed to our close friend group that for the last few years she has been having an affair with her best friend "Julia's" husband. Their kids are best friends, and they spend a lot of time together, even taking family vacations.

We have told Carrie many times how this can affect the kids, which she acknowledges, but the affair continues. This dirty secret is becoming increasingly difficult to keep because we love Julia, but nobody wants to be the messenger. Should we tell Julia, or wait until it inevitably comes out? -- ROTTEN IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR ROTTEN: Are you sure Julia knows nothing about the affair and hasn't chosen to ignore it? Julia has children who still live at home. If you spill the beans, what will it do to the intact lifestyle they presumably enjoy? If you prefer not to hear any more about Carrie's hijinks, tell her you don't want to know any more. But I vote for keeping your mouth shut when it comes to making the revelations.

DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have been married for three years and have an 8-month-old son. She stays home to care for the baby. My son works from home as well. He has now taken a second job to make ends meet, so three days a week he works 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then leaves from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. and returns home at 11 p.m.

His wife believes in co-sleeping, which means she sleeps in the bed with the baby, while my son sleeps on a mattress on the floor. This has been going on since the child was born. My son also does 80% of the cooking. They live a thousand miles away, so I can't help. He is almost her slave. I don't want to say anything, but I would like their marriage to last. What should I do? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: The last thing you need to do is interfere. Unless your son complains to you about the arrangement, stay out of it. If the situation becomes intolerable, your son will deal with it.

DEAR ABBY: It's been five years since my position as professor at a small graduate school ended. I was forced out after 30 years of teaching, and two years short of my announced retirement date. I did nothing wrong. The reasons given were vague. Being deprived of a solid explanation hurt me deeply.

There was no severance pay and no benefits. I lost a substantial amount of income at a crucial point in my life, but no one seemed to give that a thought. For a long time, I was heartsick. I cannot yet find it in myself to forgive the dean and the president of the school. But somehow, I feel I should. How do I get unstuck? I've actually moved on in many ways, but I just can't forgive. -- HURTING STILL

DEAR HURTING: Here's how to get unstuck: Find a competent attorney who specializes in wrongful termination and discuss what was done to you. Follow the attorney's advice, and when you are properly compensated, you are likely to be in a far more forgiving mood than you are today.

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Be kind, be fair,

be honest, be true,

and these things

will come back to you.

Sometimes The Best Things In Life Are Free
Direct link:?

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