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Daily Clean Jokes for August 23, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 23, 2024? Here's Today's CleanPun:? Haven't Slept ? "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." ? -- Mitch Hedberg ? ? ? Quote of the Day:?? "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -- E. B. White ? ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? "I childproofed my house but they still get in." ? ? ? A Charity Case ? A local charity had never received a donation from the town¡¯s banker, so the director made a phone call. ? "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven¡¯t given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn¡¯t you like to help the community?" ? The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" ? "Um, no," mumbled the director. ? "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister¡¯s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?" ? "I ¡ I ¡ I had no idea." ? "So," said the banker, "if I don¡¯t give them any money, why would I give any to you?" ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? ? ? What That Tattoo Really Says ? If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here¡¯s what the ink would actually say: ? Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase. ? I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I chose this. ? Thinking-ahead deficient. ? Personal names on my body are not necessarily indicative of my relationship with that person when you read this. ? I regretted this one almost immediately. ? It may be wrong to assume that I know what this symbol represents. ? Actively taking a role in reducing the number of potential places that might employ me. ? --Darren Addy Received from Reader's Digest ? ? ? Instant Messaging ? During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft, where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. ¡°That¡¯s a chat screen, sir,¡± the soldier said. ¡°We use it to relay enemy information to the crew ¡ª like instant messaging.¡± ? Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman¡¯s screen several feet away was the warning: ¡°Heads up ¡ª the colonel is on his way!¡± ? ¨C James Moschgat Provided Courtesy of Reader¡¯s Digest's Humor in Uniform. ? ? ? My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matched luggage?" ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Gayle L Gill ? ? ? Interview Excerpts ? The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here: ? 1.? "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 2.? "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 3.? "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 4.? "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." ? 5.? "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve." 6.? "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 7.? "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 8.? "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." ? 9.? "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." ? 13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther." ? ? ? Daily Thoughts ? The fireworks begin today. Each diploma is a lighted match, each one of you is a fuse. -- Ed Koch ? Graduation is only a concept. In real life, every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference. -- Arie Pencovici ? I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today. -- George Foreman ? ----- ? ? The Blonde Gets Even ? A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." ? The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"? ? "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. ? The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"? ? She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! ? ----- ? ? The River ? Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." ? Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice. ? After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." ? Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. ? Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." ? Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. ? Received from Steve's Just for Grins ? ? ? Pre-Flight Announcement ? I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, which was: ? "We're going to be taking off in a few ... Whoa, here we go!" ? ----- ? Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. ? Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth and Good Clean Fun. ? ? ? Gift Conversation ? Gift conversation between siblings: ? Josh, 10: What else could we give Mom for her Birthday? What would make her really happy? ? Whitney, 6: We could clean our rooms and go the whole???? day without fighting. ? Josh: No way! We can't do that! ? Whitney: Why not? ? Josh: Cuz then she will want us to do that every day!? ? Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ? ? The Anniversary Gift ? For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. ? When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" ? "I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house." ? - From Coffeetime with Bonnie ? ? ? The Ten Commandments of Marriage ? Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. ? Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ? Commandment 3 Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand! ? Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. ? Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. ? Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. ? Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finis h talking. ? Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. ? Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why some wives treats the husband like toxic waste or visa versa. ? Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. ? Bonus Commandment Story. A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. ? The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled; "It really works!" ? Received from Andy Chap. ? ? ? Female Joke ? A young bride tells her friend, ¡°Paul keeps telling everyone he¡¯s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.¡± ? ¡° What a shame! And after all the time you¡¯ve been engaged!¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? ? Dating a Nun ? Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun? ? He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures. ? Received from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ? ? ?Dear Abby DEAR ABBY: I have been married for the last 25 years to a wonderful man, "Frank." We are very happy in all areas except for intimacy. Frank has lost all interest in intimacy and sex. It began about two years ago, and I have tried everything to reignite the flame in our relationship. Frank's sex drive has disappeared! About a year ago, he told me I should find someone -- a friend with benefits -- to take care of my sexual needs. At the time I said no, hoping he would be interested again. Now, after a year of waiting, I am seriously considering finding a "friend." Do you think I should follow through with it, or keep waiting and hoping Frank will change? Have you any advice about how to restart the intimacy in our relationship? -- EXTINGUISHED IN VIRGINIA DEAR EXTINGUISHED: You and your husband need to have another serious talk about this. He should also talk to his doctor and ask for a referral to a urologist and an endocrinologist, who may be able to help. The inability to achieve an erection occurs in some men around age 50 and even younger, which is why Viagra is such a popular drug. If your husband is willing to discuss this with a medical professional, it may be the solution to his (and your) problem. DEAR ABBY: I met a co-worker about a year ago and we started dating. He had been clean and sober from alcohol for more than 10 years. We got along very well, but he is drinking again, and his behavior has changed -- there are mood swings, bouts of jealousy and finger-pointing. When he drinks, it's unpleasant, and the smell seeping from his pores is nauseating. He finds almost any reason to have a drink. When I try to talk to him about it, he says he does nothing wrong and he drinks because he wants to, or some other reason that makes no sense. I'm tired of the excuses. Then he begs for forgiveness or accuses me of not wanting him around. I have told him he needs to work on himself and get back into the program, and he says all he can do is take one day at a time. He drinks and drives, which poses a danger to himself and others. He's jealous of my ex and my grown children. He plays the victim, and his answers to questions are, "I don't remember," "I didn't do anything," or "I don't know what you're talking about." I'm at my wits' end and can't take any more. Please help. -- TOXIC RELATIONSHIP DEAR TOXIC: Draw the line. Remind your co-worker that when you started dating him, he was on the wagon. Tell him that when he drinks his personality changes, and you do not like the person he becomes. You need to educate yourself about alcoholism, and an effective way to do that would be to join Al-Anon and attend some meetings. If you really "can't take any more," stop dating him! And, if it creates problems where you work, inform your boss or supervisor. I'm sure that because of the potential liability, your employer won't be thrilled about having a drunk for an employee.
? ? Give?us a sense of humor, ? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans.? ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen. Available Free by E-mail every other day. To SUBSCRIBE: Send an e-mail with SUBSCRIBE CUP O'CHEER in the subject line to merk@....? To UNSUBSCRIBE: Reply to this e-mail with UNSUBSCRIBE TODAY'S JOKES in the subject line. ? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 21, 2024
August 21, 2024? ? ? Today's Limericks A short basketball player confounds All his teammates and coaches, astounds ????????????By slam dunks.??He's compared ????????????To his teammates, who shared That he's just better by?leaps?and?bounds. ? Jim and Bill and Grover and Chris got it. Kirk Miller _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun: Lizard at a Bar A man walks into a bar and sets a lizard-looking animal down on the bar in front of him. The bartender looks at the reptile, and says "What is that?" ----- LeftoversThree wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers: "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!" "That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!" ----- No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all. Modesty is my best quality. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number. Received from Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Name Funny A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew." >>>Today's Thot Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet. ----- Farming Joke The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it." >>>Today's Thot You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus? But it's Sunday. And you're 46. ----- At the age of thirty-five, I stood in the shower and felt something unusual. I double-checked. There was definitely a lump in my breast. Throughout a restless night, I continued to check, praying it was my imagination, an anomaly, anything but a real bump. At morning¡¯s light, it had not disappeared. As soon as my doctor¡¯s office opened, I called. Over the next few days, the doctors shuffled me from one test center to another. When I heard the diagnosis, my world changed. With no family history and being only thirty-five, my doctors seemed as surprised as I was. I spent several days in a fog, feeling a range of emotions from panic to denial. When I finally accepted the diagnosis and my new reality, I decided to do for myself what others could not ...?open windows in our house. Stupid pigeons. Received from Mikey's Funnies _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What Cancer Did for Me From Chicken Soup for the Soul: Find Your Inner Strength By Gail Molsbee Morris My cancer scare changed my life. I¡¯m grateful for every new, healthy day I have. It has helped me prioritize my life. --?Olivia Newton-John _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. ----- As the pastor gave his pretty lengthy sermon, he noticed one of his parishioners dozing off. ----- A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and...(pause)...... cola." ----- Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife. ----- Thoughts Of The Day:?? Nothing Is Funnier ¡°Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.¡±?¨D Samuel Beckett, Endgame --- Inside of A Dog ¡°Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.¡±?-- Groucho Marx ---- See If They Work "Life is trying things to see if they work."?-- Ray Bradbury Received from aJokeaDay. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The first guy said, ¡°My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won¡¯t let me do any work around the house. It¡¯s incredible.¡± The second guy says, ¡°That¡¯s nothing. My wife thinks I¡¯m God.¡± ¡°She thinks you¡¯re God? What makes you say that?¡± ¡°Every night at dinner time, she places a burnt offering before me.¡± ----- Dreaded Words for Tech Support - Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy? - ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it. - Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n. - Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC. - We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.? - I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. - In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect. - Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics. ----- Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE." ----- Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America ... do people order ... ----- Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace. --- Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since ... ----- An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the ... ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com Received from ArcaMax Jokes _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 20, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 20, 2024 ? ? Here's Today's CleanPun:? When I was growing up, our back fence neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Donald Vale. I spent my childhood sheltered behind D. Vale. A son they had named Noah intensely disliked his name and could hardly wait until he would be old enough and free to legally change it. To that end, he finally appeared before a judge, and with mixed feelings found that the proceedings would be alter Noah Vale.?(Glenn Gardner) ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?? The saying ¡°It¡¯s not over ¡¯til the fat lady sings¡± is erroneous, because women who are fat are never listened to.?-- Margaret Cho ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there¡¯d be so many!?-- Unknown ? ___________________________________________________ ? Love and Learning ? Overheard at my garden-club meeting: ¡°I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.¡± ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? In Training ? I identify with football players because I know what it¡¯s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring. ? Received from Reader's Digest ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? One Wish ? An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, ¡°In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.¡± ? ¡°Give me infinite wisdom!¡± declares the dean, without hesitation. ? Done!¡± says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. ? All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. ¡°Well,¡± says a colleague, ¡°say something brilliant.¡± ? The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, ¡°I should have taken the money.¡± ? Reader's Digest Harsh Joke ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Our company's facsimile machine, an early model, is extremely slow. The employees grumbled quite a bit about it, until finally a clever worker made them smile. One morning, taped to the top of the antiquated machine, was a picture of a dinosaur with this caption: "Tyrannosaurus Fax." ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Karen Oursel ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Clean Laffs ? "A man in Ireland was arrested with more than 500 pounds of marijuana. So I guess there is a little pot at the end of the rainbow."?-- Jimmy Fallon ? "Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing and he catches a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old fish. You know, I look at it this way if I want a 90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood platter at Red Lobster."?-- Dave Letterman ? "The Navy tested a high power laser beam to help fight pirates. There's nothing the pirates can do to defend themselves against this laser-unless they buy a mirror."?-- Jimmy Kimmel ? ----- ? As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. ? During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. ? "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." ? Both were excused. ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids." ? Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person." ? [A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.] ? Man: "What's wrong?" ? Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong." ? Received from Joe's Clean Laffs ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Kids on Marriage:??How Do you Decide Who to Marry? ? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.? Alan - age 10. ? What Is The Right Age To Get Married.? ? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then.? Camille - Age 10. ? What Do Most People Do on a Date? ? On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go with a second date.? Martin - Age 10. ? When Is It Okay to Kiss Somebody? ? When they are rich.? Pam - Age 7. ? The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't mess with that.? Curt - Age 7. ? Is It Better to Be Single or Married? ? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean upo for them.? Anne - Age 9 ? How would you make a marriage work? ? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck, hit her.? Ricky - age 10. ? ?From Maxine via Syman Says;symansays@... ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Tech Support Nightmares?¨C?Ejecting the Disc ? Before CDs & DVDs, there were diskettes, or floppy disks, which were pushed directly into a slot on the front of the computer and had a little button which would eject the disk manually. ? Customer: Hi, I can¡¯t get the diskette out of my computer. ? Tech support: Have you tried pushing the eject button? ? Customer: Yes, of course, but it¡¯s really stuck. ? Tech support: That doesn¡¯t sound good, I¡¯ll start a ticket and have someone come by. ? Customer: No¡ wait a minute¡ I hadn¡¯t inserted it yet¡ it¡¯s still on my desk¡ sorry¡. ? Received from mycleanhumor ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reasons for the grade. "You know the self-X-ray you took?" asked the professor. ? "I do." ? "A fine picture," he said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver." ? "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" ? "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it." ? ??????? From Gonzo ? Received from Teddi's Humor List;redactatrix@... ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Top Ten Reasons a Dog Is Better Than a Wife: ? 10. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. ? 9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. ? 8. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. ? 7. A dog's parents never visit. ? 6. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. ? 5. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. ? 4. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. ? 3. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" ? 2. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. ? ... and the Number One Reason a Dog Is Better Than a Wife: ? 1. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. ? ----- ? To test this theory, lock your wife and your dog in your trunk for an hour. Then open it. Which one is happy to see you? ? Received from Wayne via Daily-Humor ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Daily Thoughts ? The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.?-- George Mueller ? Today, the tyrant rules not by club or fist, but disguised as a market researcher, he shepherds his flocks in the ways of utility and comfort.?-- Marshall McLuhan ? When you blame others, you give up your power to change.?-- Dr. Robert Anthony ? ----- ? Incredible Date ? A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. ? Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. ? He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. ? "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ? "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. ? They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards, they go to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. ? After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. ? They had a wonderful, wonderful time. ? The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible. ? "You know," he said. "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet"? ? "No," she replies. ? "You just happened to catch my eye!" ? ----- ? You've Got Mail ? Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service representative for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. ? When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." ? The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope." ? Received from Steve's Just for Grins ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Punnies ? Cold weather mechanics have to jacket up. Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice. Gun control is the subject of a loud report. I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I came varicose. I had an idea for a new diet. I would lose weight by visiting a different Italian restaurant each meal. I call it my leaning tour of pizza. (Bill Crider) If a parsley farm worker fails to pay his taxes, the IRS will garnish his wages. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. Middle age: A time when action creaks louder than words. ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? If Only You Had Looked ? Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. ? "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. ? "I froze to death," says the second. ? "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" ? "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" ? "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." ? The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. ? "What do you mean?" asks the first man. ? "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive." ? ----- ? Other Police Quotes ? "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." ? "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." ? "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" ? "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" ? "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." ? ----- ? Fallen ? There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. ? One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" ? Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". ? This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. ? About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. ? The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." ? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. ? Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." ? ----- ? New Office Vocabulary Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.? XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE The organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). ----- Rules for Good Housekeeping 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. Never make fried chicken in the nude. 4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. 6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.? 7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. ----- Penny good Assessment Nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will. When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done her husband asked, "Was the patient that bad?" Penny said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this." Received from ArcaMax Jokes ___________________________________________________ ? ? Elderly Joke ? There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. ? So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. ? Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. ? Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! ? Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." ? Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." ? Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious." ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Permit ? A zoning board had just been set up in a new community.? A homeowner went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.? "Do you have a plan?" asked the director.? "Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed. ? "That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said, "Here's your permit." ? A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. ? "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary." ? "But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got her permit right away." ? "Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized." ? From Pastor Tim via Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Daily Trivia Question:? ? ~~ ? What's on the Web? ------------------------ ?
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 18, 2024 ...
Daily Clean Jokes for August 18, 2024 ? ... Jokes from Kirk Miller? ? ?? One day, two Canadian friends were walking along the beach and happened upon the famous "genie in a bottle". Upon rubbing the bottle, the Genie pops out and says, "Since both of you were rubbing the bottle and let me free, I will grant each one of you one wish!"??Now, being from Quebec, the first one tells the Genie that he wants the province of Quebec separated and that a big wall should be built around it. "Poof!" and the guy disappears and his wish granted.??"What is your wish?" he says to the next one. After a few seconds the guy says, "Can you fill that wall with water?"? ? According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: ? You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water. How come nobody's ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH water.? ? You've all heard of Russian roulette and a joke's been making the rounds about African roulette. How many of you know how to play Indian roulette though???You're given a flute and 6 large cobras, one of whom is deaf.? ? A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.??A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!??"What else do you have?" asks the student.??"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.??The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.??Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"??The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.??"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.??The pharmacist replied "Well, you know ... math always was a little hard to swallow." A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."??"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."? ? A physicist and a mathematician are in the faculty lounge having a cup of coffee when, for no apparent reason, the coffee machine bursts into flames. The physicist rushes over to the wall, grabs a fire extinguisher, and fights the fire successfully.??The same time next week, the same pair are there drinking coffee and talking shop when the new coffee machine goes on fire. The mathematician stands up, fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing the problem to one already solved...? ? My bonnie looked into a gas tank ? Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday? ? A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I can pee farther than anyone else"??"Yeah" the bartender says.??"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.??"Yeah right" the bartender says.??"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.??"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance to make some easy money.??So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.??The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender.??The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?"??Then the guy says ""Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but you'd be smiling." Question at the pub quiz: ¡°Can you name a race of French speaking people from an Island in the Mediterranean.¡± I said ¡°Corsican.¡± Team mate said ¡°Go on then.¡± ? I asked the piano player in the local hotel if he could play?Strawberry Fields Forever. He said no, only until his fingers ached. ? A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.??The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.??The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"??The owner says, "How about a cat?"??The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"??The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"??The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."??Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.??He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."??Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.??The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"??Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."??The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.??20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.??By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.??45 minutes later... still no centipede!??He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede???So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.??The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"??The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!" I went on a tour of the local lemonade factory. Afterwards, they gave us a pop quiz. ? I lost the quiz by using the wrong pencil to fill in the answers. It just wasn¡¯t 2B. ? McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.??When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.??"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"??"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." ? The only photographer happy with a 100% crop is a farmer. ? John: How do you talk to a fool? Don: Humor them.??Tell them they are right. John: That is ridiculous. Don: You are right. -- Received from Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT
Received from Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name. ----- It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ¡°Say thank you... Sit up straight... Use your napkin... Close your mouth when you chew... Don¡¯t lean back in your chair...¡± ----- Thought Of The Day:??I'm Not Offended ¡°I¡¯m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I¡¯m not dumb¡ and I also know that I¡¯m not blonde.¡± Witch Jokes What is old and ugly and goes beep beep? What happened to the witch with an upside down nose? What happened when the baby witch was born? What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends? What kind of music do witches play on the piano? What does a witch do if her broom is stolen? Why did the witch wear yellow stockings? ----- A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. ----- Basic Training The story went something like this: Seargeant: When you are scared, what do you do? Recruit: Keep on fightin' Seargeant: Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear...what then? Recruit: Keep on fightn'!? Seargeant: Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then? Recruit: Then I can't see. Seargeant: Can't see? what school did you come from? Recruit: Well seargeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes. ----- Scale Convention At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.? She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three." ----- ?Cow Tail A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.? A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" That was the last thing he could remember. ----- I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," he continued, "we should reach the starting point any minute now." ----- An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, ¡®What are we fighting for, man?¡¯ ----- I would like to congratulate the team at NASA¡¯s jet propulsion lab. You deserve every missed high five of your celebration. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 17, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 17, 2024 Kirk's Limerick How hot is it in Texas???It's so hot that? . . .? ? ? Here in Texas the heat is profound. It's so hot that this fact may astound: ????????????Oven mitts birds do use ????????????On their feet for some shoes When they go to pull worms from the ground. ----- ? An Olympian likes to compete As a sculler among the elite. ????????????He sits backward.??You bet ????????????Turns around just to get A good view from the man's?front?row?seat. ----- ? Looked at rings at the jewelry store. There were many that she did adore. ????????????"You want silver or gold?" ????????????Asked the clerk, who was told That her preference was?either?ore. ----- ? Timex company was quite sublime. Every year, sales would steadily climb. ????????????They endured and became ????????????Firm with watches of fame; Said they knew 'twould be all?in?good?time.
----- Fav'rite figurine of Theresa's Falls on floor; right away it ceases ????????????To be whole.??It shatters, ????????????Leaving it in tatters. So Theresa then?fell?to?pieces. Jim and Bill and Chris got it. Kirk Miller ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Kirk¡¯s Puns ? Do you have any books on electricity? ????Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the subject.??Wire you asking? ? Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. ? I always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes? ? I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. ? The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It was a case of acid dental death. ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Quotes of the Day:? I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying; and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be block-head enough to have me. ¨C Abraham Lincoln ?I
didn't want the [damned] fellow to kill me, which I think he would have done if
we had selected pistols. ? Two favorites ... one I posted earlier this month and then a similar one sent in by Conrad after he read mine: Q: Two men are at a restroom, one is entering and the other is leaving. What are their nationalities? ? ? Another Old Favorite? ? Q: If you¡¯re American when you go into the restroom and you¡¯re American when you come out, what are you when you¡¯re in the restroom? ? A: European. Received from Conrad Macina. ?_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Sport Funny Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. "Did you play sports in college," his wife then asked me. "Yes," I answered. "I was on West Point's shooting team." "That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?" >>>Today's Thot My goal this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I'm dead. ----- A Gift Funny Grown-up: "What do you want for your birthday this year?" Kid: "I'd like a little brother." Grown-up: "Oh my, that's a big wish!? Why do you want a little brother?" Kid: "Well, there's only so much I can blame on the dog." [forwarded by Gretchen Patti] >>>Today's Thot I got a call from a scammer who said, "I've got all of your passwords." I said, "Great. What are they? I'll grab a pen." ----- A Visit Funny The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?" "No," answered the child. "He's at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it." >>>Today's Thot I hate when I wake up for a glass of water in the middle of the night and eat a whole cheesecake. Received from Mikey's Funnies _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other
stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a
little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the
wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?" Received from Thomas Ellsworth? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket. ?_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? A group of horses were moving down towards the horse
court for horse jury. -----
A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at
the counter, "You got any grapes?" Guy at the counter says, "No,
we don't have any grapes." Duck says "okay" and he leaves. ----- Thought Of The Day:? Spread Love Everywhere ¡°Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to
you without leaving happier.¡± ----- ?
A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the
cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the
little girl wiping her cheek. -----
Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin.
Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to
take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same
two men in the same truck with the same penguin again. ----- Thought Of The Day:??Well Done "Well done is better than well said." Received from aJokeADay.com __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Debate About the Box An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:? "I define myself to be on the outside." ----- ? ?? Casual Fridays Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 - Memo No. 5? As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress. Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Week 18 - Memo No. 7 Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately. ----- A New Kind of Car Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?"? "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life." -----
- He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. ----- Debate About the Box An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:? "I define myself to be on the outside." ----- Casual Fridays Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 - Memo No. 5? As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress. Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Week 18 - Memo No. 7 Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 16, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 16, 2024? ? ? ? ?? Here's
Today's CleanPun:? ? ?I guess I'm quite dull: The art of rowing never ??? Got into my scull! ??? (John S. Crosbie) ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? Quote of the Day:?? Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing gonna be all right. -- Bob Marley ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Today's One-Liner:?? If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? A Quiet Group ? I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet. ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? In Memoriam ? Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. ? ¡°Yes,¡± says Sally, ¡°a lock of my husband¡¯s hair.¡± ? ¡°But Larry¡¯s still alive.¡± ? ¡°I know, but his hair is gone.¡± ? Received from Reader's Digest ? ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ?? Prison Life vs Full-Time Job In prison you spend the
majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time
in a 6' X 8' cubicle. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Hemingway Hall ? A visitor was touring a college when he paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. ? "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said to the guide. ? "Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." ? The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?" ? "Yes, indeed," said the guide. ? "Never heard of him," the man said. "What did he write?" ? The guide replied, "He wrote the check." ?? Received from HaHaFunnies _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? A Hunt Funny ? A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. ? "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. ? "I am!," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now." ? ----- ? I run a tight shipwreck. I run like the winded.? ? Received from Mikey's Funnies _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? ? Daily Trivia Question:? ? 46.?David Bowie starred in which 1980s cult classic?
47.?Louis Armstrong was a master of which brass instrument?
48.?The Venus de Milo is a statue missing which part of the body?
49.?Which animal is the mascot for Hufflepuff house in the?Harry Potter?books?
50.?Who did Timothy Olyphant play in?The Office?Timothy Olyphant played?. ? ? ? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? ? ? ? |
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 15, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 15, 2024 ? Limericks The Hallock Entity
I did NOT see the sign that read: Yield. =========== It is not quite that easy to do, =========== Poor Kirk when he ran the yield sign ________________________________________________________________________ ? Today¡¯s One Liner:? Steve's keyboard must be broken ... he keeps hitting the escape key, but he's still at work. ________________________________________________________________________ ? Quotes of the Day:? "It is not happy people who are thankful. It is thankful people who are happy." -- Unknown ----- "I know you can't save every dog. But you can totally try to save the dog that's in front of you."? -- Cesar Millan?(B - 1969), American-Mexican dog trainer, aka The Dog Whisperer ________________________________________________________________________ ? A Dinner Funny A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb firmly clamped on the steak. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my food with your hand all over it!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?" >>>Today's Thot Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen" ----- YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN ... * You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. * Instant coffee takes too long. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * You answer the door, before people knock. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you don't even work there. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You're so wired you pick up FM radio. * You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug. ----- A perfectionist is someone who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else. Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ________________________________________________________________________ ? Art Good News/Bad News An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.? "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.? When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.? "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor." ----- Bridget Schuil In days of yore A god of war Rode out upon his filly. "I'm Thor," he cried And his horse replied "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly." Received from Pastor Tim. ----- Appearance of Evil
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________________________________________________________________________ ? I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice. -- Abraham Lincoln It¡¯s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody. -- Maya Angelou Take forgiveness slowly. Don¡¯t blame yourself for being slow. Peace will come. -- Yoko Ono Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. -- Fred Rogers _________________________________________________________________________ ? Husband¡¯s Hilarious Dance Night Out
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_________________________________________________________________________ ? True Meaning A teacher was taking
her first golf lesson. ______________________________________________________________________ ? Pre-Dawn Bus Because I often have
to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was concerned that I wasn't always
visible to bus drivers in the darkness. So, I attached a reflector to my lunch
box and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing
lights. ______________________________________________________________________ ? Food for Thought 01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous??? 02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent,"?the S or the C?? 03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?? 04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.? 05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".? 06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.?? 07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?? 08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?? ?09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!? 10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.?? 11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.? 12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.?? 14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.?? 15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.?? 16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.?? 17. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.?? 18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.?? 19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.?? 20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.?? 21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas?? 22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.?? 23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.? 24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.?? 25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.?? 26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.?? 27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest. Received from Virginia Heilman. ______________________________________________________________________ ?
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----- Thought Of The Day:? The Sober Ones "I may make bad decisions when I'm drunk, but the sober ones haven't been that great either." -- Unknown Received from aJokeADay.com ______________________________________________________________________
----- Top Ten Excuses of The Burger King Employee Who Stood In The Lettuce 10."Someone was
already standing in the pickles"
----- Transportation in Heaven And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge." The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."? A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard." ----- Dealing With Telemarketers pt. 1 If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. If they start out with, ¡°How are you today?¡± say, ¡°I¡¯m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ¡° If they say they¡¯re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: ¡°Hi, my name is Judy and I¡¯m with XYZ Company. ¡± You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, ¡°What are you wearing?¡±? Cry out in surprise, ¡°Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?¡± Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Dear Abby
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 14, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 14, 2024? ? ? ? Limerick If the center of earth you inspect And the surface of sun you expect ????????????To be just 'bout the same ????????????In their temps, I'd exclaim That the answer of Yes?is?core-rect.? Chris and Bill got it.? Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Quotations ? Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase. ? Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to wait for the storm to pass. ? Your life isn't yours if you're always caring what others think. ? People cry, not because they¡¯re weak; it's because they've been strong for too long. ? Be careful what you set your heart upon ¨C for it will surely be yours. -- James Baldwin ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ?
What is unique about Humans? ? ----- ?
? Dear John, ? ----- ? Thought Of The Day:? What Only You Can Provide ? "Sometimes I need what only you can provide ¡ your
absence." ? ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Mikey¡¯s Funnies: A Doctor Funny Little Girl: "Daddy, what do you have to do to become a doctor?" Daddy: "You have to do well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be." Today¡¯s Funny Little Girl (after some thought): "What do you have to do to be queen?" ? ----- A Spelling Funny Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!" ? ----- A Choke Funny A diner in a restaurant started to choke on a bone.? Another diner rushed over and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. As the first man's breath and voice returned he said, "You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?" The other man grinned and said, "I'll settle for one percent of what you were willing to pay while you were choking." ----- Quick Quotes "In a recent interview Jennifer Lopez says she regrets giving herself the nickname of J. Lo. She said never take nickname advice from somebody named P. Diddy." --Conan O'Brien --- "Yeah, but I love you more than football and basketball." --Tommy Lasorda, after his wife accused him of loving base- ball more than her. ---? A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?" ----- A Laundry Funny A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighborhanging the wash outside."That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." ----- A Lesson Funny One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."? Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.? Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming." ----- Today's Thoughts I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time consuming. How can anyone be lactose intolerant when we all live in the Milky Way? I hate people who can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst. I have had a horribly busy day converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. Ever feel like life is a car wash and you're on a bicycle? Received from Mikey's Funnies
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____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Lessons from Grover A dog will teach you unconditional love. If you can have
that in your life, things won¡¯t be too bad. He was just a mutt ¡ª half golden Lab, half something else. Even his name wasn¡¯t fancy: Grover. It was always a bit unclear how he came to be ours. He belonged to the neighbor across the pasture, who probably tried to use him for herding cattle, but somehow he ended up at our house. I think he loved us because his story was much like ours. You see, we were also mutts ¡ª displaced from the big city into the country where we just didn¡¯t fit. Grover came to us back in the decades when there were no such things as leash laws. He roamed the countryside with his furry friends, always returning home to his yellow doghouse. It never occurred to him to be an inside dog. He was a free spirit. The only thing that would bring him inside was a thunderstorm. During a thunderstorm, he would push open the doors and dart upstairs and hide under a bed.? -----
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 13
Daily Clean Jokes for August 13 ? Limericks ? With his measurements, man did proceed; Had the instruments that he would need ????????????To determine how fast ????????????Gulf stream water went past. Said that four miles per hour's?current?speed. ----- There's a story that's told in this rhyme 'Bout a tennis pro who did a crime. ????????????He stole rackets, was caught; ????????????A long sentence he got. Many years he will be?serving?time.? Jim and Chris got it. Kirk Miller _________________________________________________________________________ ? Today¡¯s One-Liner:? How come there's enough asphalt for speedbumps, but not enough to fill potholes? _________________________________________________________________________ ? Quote of the Day ? My grandpa once said: "Your terrible job is the dream of the unemployed. Your house is the dream of the homeless. Your smile is the dream of the depressed. Your health is the dream of the ill. Don't let difficult times make you forget your blessings." _________________________________________________________________________ ?
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_________________________________________________________________________ ? Brain Problem Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with mankind. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right. The left half has nothing right in it And the right half has nothing left in it! _________________________________________________________________________ ? I wanted to buy goose feathers to make a pillow, but I didn't have enough money for the down payment.? When Liza Minelli emerged from the airport and saw the row of taxis lined up, did she start singing, "Life is a cab array"?? Answer: Marion Barry Question: What are the two most important tasks of a preacher?? The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks like you have had Juan too many."? The twisted old piece of string couldn't really be surprised at his fate, really, after all the puns he had perpetrated: "No, I'm a frayed knot," "I'm a little tied-up at the moment," "Get knotted," "That wasn't a belly-flop, it was knot's landing," and now, having been lynched by the other residents of the sewing kit for his verbal miscreations, he couldn't help but chuckle as he thought aloud, "I'm not a bad person, just a little high-strung." _________________________________________________________________________ ? In dire need of a beauty makeover, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair. I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible." >>>Today's Thot I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor. Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. _________________________________________________________________________ ? Older Father We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after
our two boys were born. She is the joy of my husband's life, but he is
self-conscious about being an older father. He likes to jokingly tell people
that by the time she graduates from high school, he'll be in a nursing home. _________________________________________________________________________ ? Kid¡¯s Instructions for Life Never trust a dog to watch your food.? Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.? Matthew, Age 12 Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.? Andrew, Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.? Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.? Stephanie, Age 8 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.? Rosemary, Age 7 Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.? Lamar, Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.? Carrol, Age 9 Never bug a pregnant mom.? Nicholas, Age 11 Don't ever be too full for dessert.? Kelly, Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working.? Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.? Joel, Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.? Alyesha, Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat.? Laura, Age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster.? Scott, Age 11 Never do pranks at a police station.? Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.? Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.? Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.? Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain.? It has lots of information.? Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes.? Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.? Phillip, Age 13 Forget the cake, go for the icing.? Cynthia, Age 8 _________________________________________________________________________ Quotations ? Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase. ? Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to wait for the storm to pass. ? Your life isn't yours if you're always caring what others think. ? People cray, not because their weak; it's because they've been strong for too long. ? Be careful what you set your heart upon ¨C for it will surely be yours. ¨C James Baldwin ? _________________________________________________________________________ ? How Many Do You Remember?? Since you asked ¡? * Head light dimmer switches on the floor.?Yes, and I remember my brother¡¯s old Dodge (which had a rumble seat) where the ignition switch was on the floor. You turned the key (on the dashboard) and engaged the ignition with your foot * Ignition switches on the dashboard.?Yes, see above. I also remember vacuum-operated wipers (no washers), cars without air conditioning and crank-operated side windows. * Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.?We had to know hand signals in order to pass Driver¡¯s Ed * Candy cigarettes?Yes. They tasted like pieces of sweetened chalk. * Home milk delivery in glass bottles.?Yes. We even had home milk delivery (but in plastic bottles) as late as the mid-70s. * Party lines on the telephone.?We never had one, but I was aware of it. The phone rang in a pattern (typically the morse code for your initial) so you¡¯d know it¡¯s for you. My parents used to tell me about the party line they had: when a relative called they¡¯d say ¡°parla italiano¡± and conduct the rest of the conversation in Italian so the neighbors couldn¡¯t listen in. * Newsreels before the movie.?No. I think they kinda faded out after WWII; I was too young. * Howdy Doody.?Yes, definitely. The highlight of my day ¡ until the Mickey Mouse Club came along. I also remember neighbors who didn¡¯t have TV coming over to watch Mickey Mouse. * 45 rpm records.?Not only do I remember them, I still have some! * Bread delivered by horse and cart.?No. I¡¯m old but not?that?old. He _________________________________________________________________________ ?
Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking
into farms and stealing cows. _________________________________________________________________________ ?
"How is your new job at the factory?¡± one guy asked
another. ----- Thought Of The Day:? The Moment Where You Doubt "The moment where you doubt you can fly, you cease
for ever being able to do it." -----
A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first
wish?" -----
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of
peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I
suppose you will want some identification." _________________________________________________________________________ ? Thought Of The Day:? Faster than the Speed of Light ¡°Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the
possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.¡± Received from aJokeADay.com ? _________________________________________________________________________ ? Graphing A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!" -----
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on
the basis of newly discovered evidence." -----
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted." -----
What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying? ----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.com Received from ArcaMax Jokes. __________________________________________________________________ It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.?-- Eleanor Roosevelt |
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 12, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 12, 2024? ? ? ? Here's Today's CleanPun:? ? ? ? In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbat. ? Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. ? Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbas goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks' time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. ? The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation. ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? The Shorter Ones ? I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work. ? I have to admit that as the hot dog vendor went on rather explicitly about how he likes to "caress each bun with mustard" and "tease it with dabs of relish," I was growing rather uncomfortable with his frank talk. ? The man who knew he¡¯d found his true love after their first kiss was a lip reader. ? The runner was leading the marathon until she ran into trouble. ? Once upun a time, when seals had tremendous political clout, Diane Feinstein (the former mayor of San Francisco, now Senator) was running for governor. An opposing candidate had a nightmare in which the ex-mayor was victorious in the election, thanks to the convincing campaigning of some savvy seals.??When the loser awoke, he saw a seal seated by his windowsill and sang out to it, "You picked a Feinstein to lead me, you seal!" ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?? Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -- Geraldo Rivera ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? "Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?" ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Stop the Presses ? These holiday ¡°headlines¡± ¡ª concocted by the satirists at the Onion ¡ª are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. ? Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings ? Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think ? Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year ? Book Given as Gift Actually Read ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Is the Client Always Right? ? A graphic designer on the phone with his client. ? Designer:? Hi. I¡¯m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say ¡°programs¡± for the third question. ? Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate. Just copy it over exactly as it says. I¡¯ll explain it nice and slowly for you. ? Designer: ¡°Please indicate which pogroms you¡¯ve attended¡±? ? Client: Yeah, that should be programs. ? Received from Reader's Digest ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Your Move ? I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ¡°Let¡¯s make this more interesting.¡± So we stopped playing chess. ? Reader's Digest Daily Life ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Dog Funny ? A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. ? Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" ? The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. ? "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize. ? ----- ? The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for a few days. ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Sunday Night Fever ? Doctor! Doctor! You¡¯ve gotta help me! I can't stop singing certain songs. All morning I've been humming 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home.' Yesterday it was, 'Delilah.' Last week I sang 'What's New Pussycat?' at least 100 times! What's wrong with me?" "You've got Tom Jones Syndrome." "Oh no! Is it serious?" "It's not unusual." Received from Conrad Macina ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Wolf Funny ? An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!" ? Operator: "Where?" ? Caller: "No, a regular one!" ? >>>Today's Thot ? The first five days after the weekend are the hardest. ? Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Clean Laffs ? "A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded with enough food for exactly 23 years.'" -- Jimmy Fallon ? "A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway." -- Jay Leno ? "For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc." -- Jimmy Kimmel ? ----- ? My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. ? Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair." ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said. ? "I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled." ? ? ? ? "I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible." ? "I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it." ? "Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off." ? Received from Joe's Clean Laffs ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? School Days ? Abraham Lincoln wrote that he "went to Aschools by littles" -- a few weeks or a few months at a time.? And all his schooling added together "did not amount to one year." The rest of lincoln's education came from reading, reading, reading -- and from listening and from seeing and thinking about what was going on around him. This is from one of Abraham Lincoln's school notebooks. He may have been eleven years old when he wrote this... ? "Abraham Lincoln his hand and pen. He will be good but God knows when. ? From The Abraham Lincoln Joke Book via Syman Says; symansays@... ? _________________________________________________________________ ? An Opposite ¡°Funny¡± ? A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. ? Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. ? That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. ? "Why are you crying?" the father asked. ? "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin. ? Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. ? "What are you so happy about?" he asked. ? To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all this manure! There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!" ? >>>Today's Thot ? Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Tech Support Joke ? Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? ? Customer: A white one ¡ ? Received from mycleanhumor ? ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? TIME TO PRAY ? A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. ? ¡°Yes sir,¡± the boy replied. ? ¡°And, do you always say them in the morning, too?¡± the pastor asked. ? ¡°No sir,¡± the boy replied. ¡°I ain¡¯t scared in the daytime.¡± ? Received from Joke-of-the-Day ? _________________________________________________________________ ?
An English professor
complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses
improper language." ?
A hypothetical situation
where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are
about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an
un-crewed aircraft. ----- Thought Of The Day:? Playing With Fire ¡°Man may have discovered fire,
but women discovered how to play with it.¡± Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? ? Missing Pages ? A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library. ? The librarian quips after checking the books. "Sir, your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book." ? The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one." ? From Ann F. via Doc's Daily Chuckle ? _________________________________________________________________ ? Daily Trivia ? 6.?What is the longest bone in the human body?
7.?Who is credited with the invention of the telephone?
8.?In Greek mythology, who was the god of the sea?
9.?What is the smallest bone in the human body??
10.?Who wrote the famous novel??
_________________________________________________________________ ? Punnies ? Nurses often have to check their patient's impulse without missing a beat. The price of hearing aids has gone up. Mutes across the country are asking "How much?" ? Speech and ghost writers, who struggle to make a living, object to the free speech provision in the American Constitution. (Alex) ? There's a self-help group for compulsive talkers called On and On and On Anon. This morning I woke up late, and, now, I'm scrambling to make breakfast (Bruce Hidgon) ? When the marathon runner missed the right turn, he ended up left alone. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)? ? With so much now on-line, is it realistic for one to have their soul existence in the Internet. (Jeremy Alperin) ? You should never take rocks for granite. ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? The first flight attendants were men whose main job function was to handle baggage. When United Airlines decided to put women on their planes in 1930, all of the stewardesses they hired were nurses, based on the theory that nurses would be most capable of handling passengers' needs on bumpy flights. ? ??????? From Terri ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? (From the Archives) ? I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip. ? I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal. ? Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible." ? ??????? From GCFL ? Received from Teddi's Humor List; redactatrix@... ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Daily Trivia Questions:? ? 11.?What is the capital city of Bhutan?12.?Which chemical element has the symbol "Pt" on the periodic table?13.?What is the smallest prime number greater than 10?14.?What is the capital of Australia?? 15.?In which year did the Chernobyl nuclear disaster occur?
? ________________________________________________________ ? ? What's on the Web? ------------------------ ? Safe at Home ?
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 10
Daily Clean Jokes for August 10? ? ?? Limericks? ? The young lion was really a mess When the others he tried to impress ????????????With his mouth-making sound. ????????????He took lessons and found That he now is a?roaring?success. ----- Yesterday's Limerick When you're buying ice cream cones, it's stressed: Get yours last, or you might be distressed. ????????????You don't want to be tricked. ????????????Let the others get licked, Because he who?laps?last?laps?the?best. ? Jim got it. ? Today's Limerick When he's working with soil that's sandy Or that's clay-like, he thinks what's dandy ????????????Is protection for hands. ????????????And his wife understands That good gloves sure can? ? Jim and Chris and Grover got it. ----- Repeating a Limerick As I said quite a while ago . . . ? Trump says Biden's too old, it's a crime. Dems will make a deft move that's sublime. ????????????Gavin Newsom will be ????????????Joe's replacement; you'll see Late this summer.??He's Biden his time.
~~ Kirk¡¯s Puns ? Do you have any books on electricity? ????Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the subject.??Wire you asking? ? Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. ? I always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes? ? I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. ? The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It was a case of acid dental death. ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? Quote of the Day:? I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying; and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be block-head enough to have me. ¨C Abraham Lincoln ? ? ? Quote of the Day:? I didn't want the [damned] fellow to kill me, which I think he would have done?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Creation Story My Sunday school class of kindergartners was studying the creation story. After several weeks, we were ready to review. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A few months old: Trump's next major speech may begin with..... Friends, republicans and countrymen please lend me your ear.??? Received from Teji Mundi? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ They say that "a problem shared is a problem halved..." ----- A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After noticing there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar, he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, ¡°If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to give it a try?¡± ----- Thought Of The Day: It Comes From Experience ¡°Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.¡± ----- Teacher: "Walter, spell FROG." ----- The manager of a touring theatrical company emailed the owner of the theater in a small town where his company was due to appear. ----- Thought Of The Day: The Best of All Worlds "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.¡± __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Afternoon Nap Jack Warner, the movie producer and co-founder of Warner Brothers, was in the habit of taking an afternoon nap in his office at Warner Brothers, and it was an unwritten rule of the studios that he should not be disturbed. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" ----- What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? Painless BirthA married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.? The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. ----- What's in a NameThe manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"? The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..." ----- The bow used by Olympic archers measures a maximum of 6 feet for men, 5 1/4 feet for women. It is made of laminated wood, and is coated with graphite or fiberglass. -----
----- More Jokes from ArcaMax.comReceived from ArcaMax Jokes. ----- |
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 9, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 9, 2024 ? Limericks: There's a lawyer of well-known repute Who's successful and rather astute. ????????????Got one plaintiff on board ????????????And could not be ignored, Because others did soon?follow?suit. ? ? There's a poker game host, Peter Brown, Whose refreshments are best in the town. ????????????He has plenty to eat ????????????During games, can't be beat. He has backup snacks when?chips?are?down. ? Bill and Jim and Chris and Guy got it. ? ? I've a clock that is way past its prime 'Cause a part has worn out, doesn't chime. ????????????There is really no doubt ????????????That before part wore out, Clock worked perfectly?from?time?to?time. ? ? The car salesman's approach did convey Much aggressiveness to his dismay, ????????????So the folks wouldn't buy ????????????Any cars from the guy. His hard sell simply?drove?them?away. ? Grover and Jim and Chris and Bill got it. ? Kirk
Miller ? ? Received from Kirk Miller Limericks ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Kirk¡¯s Puns ? Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center. "Well," one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband." "Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. 'Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!" ? Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself. ? Guido Marishino looked at his Thompson submachine gun with its gentle spiral of smoke climbing from the once-flaming muzzle, then looked at the crumpled, bullet-ridden body of the street performer with his blood-spattered make-up, and realized with sadness that, no matter how much money they had paid him to do it, a mime?was a terrible thing to waste. ? She told me the drink was non-alcoholic, but where was the proof? ? Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a "Dragnet"? ? Kirk Miller __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ THE ONE-LINERS Received from Stan Kegel. ________________________________________________________________________ A Bull Funny The farmer's favorite bull wasn't doing well at all. The vet came and looked the animal over thoroughly, then reached in his black bag and pulled out a large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet. Suddenly the bull leaped into the air and took off like a bat out of hell, jumping every fence in his way. The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!" The farmer replied, "Great. Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!" >>>Today's Thot The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. Received from Mikey's Funnies. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?? A Note
I had sat down with my family after finishing my
worship leading responsibilities at my church. My son, an eight-year-old, who
was just learning to sit in "big church" was whispering to mommy. A
few minutes later, he had written something on a piece of paper and wadded it
up to hand to me. ----- Sunday School Nine year old Joey was asked by his
mother what he had learned at Sunday school. Riddles and Puns and Jokes for the 8- to 14-year-olds in your life ? Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop.? ? Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.? ? What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.? ? What illness do basketball players get??? Hooping Cough.? ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.? ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?" Student: "With a pencil, Ma'am, either a 2B or not 2B."? ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I was fired from my job selling amplifiers. I didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.? ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? An expectant friend with sons 4 and 2 asked the older one, Ben, if he would like to have a new brother. After careful thought, Ben replied, "No, let's just keep Brian."?? ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense. ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Doctor, Doctor ? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing ringing in my ears.? Nonsense, you're as sound as a bell.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I feel very flushed.? You must have flu.? No, I walked.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I've broken my leg. What shall I do?? Limp.? ? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. Well pull yourself together then. ? (I did say I'd give you puns.) ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. ? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? They hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years, but every year they always sent him birthday greetings. One year, they remembered how he had always admired a set of military hair brushes, so they sent them to him as a gift. A few weeks later they received a snapshot of their completely bald uncle with a note that read: " Thanks for the gift. I will never part with it." (Did you get it?? A bald man has no hair to part.) ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Do you have any books on electricity? ????Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the subject.??Wire you asking? ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes? ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. ? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It was a case of acid dental death. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Riddles and Puns and Jokes for the 8- to 14-year-olds in your life ? Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop.? Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.? What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.? What illness do basketball players get??? Hooping Cough.? ? Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.? Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?" Student: "With a pencil, Ma'am, either a 2B or not 2B."? I was fired from my job selling amplifiers. I didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.? ? An expectant friend with sons 4 and 2 asked the older one, Ben, if he would like to have a new brother. After careful thought, Ben replied, "No, let's just keep Brian."?? ? Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense. ? ?Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing ringing in my ears.? Nonsense, you're as sound as a bell.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I feel very flushed.? You must have flu.? No, I walked.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I've broken my leg. What shall I do?? Limp.? ? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. Well pull yourself together then. ? (I did say I'd give you puns.) ? When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ? They hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years, but every year they always sent him birthday greetings. One year, they remembered how he had always admired a set of military hair brushes, so they sent them to him as a gift. A few weeks later they received a snapshot of their completely bald uncle with a note that read: " Thanks for the gift. I will never part with it." (Did you get it?? A bald man has no hair to part.) Do you have any books on electricity? ????Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the subject.??Wire you asking? ? Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. ? I always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes? ? I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. ? The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It was a case of acid dental death. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ABBY: During my entire 40-year marriage, I have wondered if my husband is bisexual. He met his friend "Ernie" around the same time he met me. My husband has always had female friends as well as Ernie. When he came home late, I'd accuse him of having affairs with his female co-workers. We have stayed together, although there have been a lot of arguments. Years ago, my brother-in-law went golfing with my husband and Ernie. My brother-in-law told me my problem wasn't another woman -- it was a man. When I asked why he thought that, he said my husband and Ernie were in their own little world. He said he wasn't jealous of their friendship, but it was just his opinion. To cut to the chase, not long ago, my husband and three other friends went on a golf trip. There was a king-size bed in the master bedroom, a second bedroom with two queen-size beds, and a sofa sleeper. I asked my husband about the sleeping arrangements, and he said one slept on the couch, one in the room with two queen beds, and he and Ernie shared the king-size bed. When I asked what the other guys thought about the two of them sleeping in the same bed he yelled, "I don't care what they thought!" I said, "And it appears you don't care what your wife thinks either." My husband has always said, "There isn't another woman. You know I love you." He has always denied being bi. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. Please tell me what you think. -- FINALLY FED UP IN DELAWARE DEAR FED UP: For two men to share a bed when there is another option is, in my opinion, questionable. Never having met your husband, I hesitate to state whether he is or isn't cheating on you with Ernie. Being bisexual does not make a person an adulterer. If he were to confirm your suspicion that he is bisexual, would it change your longtime marriage? THAT, my friend, is the $64,000 question. DEAR ABBY: I'm sure I am not alone on this subject. Occasionally, when I'm in a restaurant, the mall, the grocery store, etc., I'll run into a former co-worker, former classmate, someone I met at a past gathering, etc., and in the moment, I cannot recall their name. This is especially embarrassing when my spouse or a friend is with me and I can't introduce the person. Sometimes, when someone is with me and I see an acquaintance before they see me, I'll make a detour to avoid the embarrassment of blanking on their names. If I'm alone, I have no problem conversing with the individual even if I can't recall a name. My problem is those embarrassing introductions. Any suggestions? -- FORGETFUL IN HAWAII DEAR FORGETFUL: I agree, it is embarrassing, and it happens to everyone. It happened to me occasionally when I was in my 20s and needed to introduce my date to someone. There IS a way to get around it, provided you are fast enough. If a "senior moment" isn't something you are willing to admit, then greet your old co-worker, friend, etc., and say something like, "Hi! How nice to see you!" Then turn to your spouse (or friend) and say, "We used to work together," and let them introduce themselves. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 8, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 8, 2024 Making bread, baker said she proceeds At a pace that has varying speeds. ????????????"Please don't rush, but instead ????????????Take your time," baker said. Making bread takes as long?as?she?kneads. ? Jim and Bill and Grover and Chris got it. ----- Coin collector who's living in Perth Paid appraiser and said with some mirth: ????????????When appraisal is done, ????????????I am likely to pun That I hope to get?my?money's?worth. ? Jim and Bill and Guy got it. ----- Couple bought antique clock for a dime That they sold for much more, was sublime. ????????????For a thousand, they sold ????????????Vintage clock, I was told Which provided them a?grand?old?time. Received from Kirk Miller. ~~
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 7, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 7, 2024? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? Today¡¯s Limerick: ? The tornado's wind was stupendous. Bur oak's damage was just horrendous. ????????????When the arborist, Dave, ????????????Said he'd managed to save The old oak, it was just?tree-mend-ous. ? Bill and Jim and Chris got it. ? ? ? Here's Today's CleanPun:? ? It's not widely known, but the infamous 5th-century marauder Attila had a nephew (on his 143rd wife's side) named Magilla. The boy was always pestering "Uncle Attie" to take him along on raids, and his aunt finally persuaded Attila to do so. Unfortunately, the results were disastrous. It seems the boy did fine at the raping and pillaging part when on the ground, but was constantly falling off his horse. It was embarrassing. At his wife's urging, Attila kept giving the lad additional chances, but it got to the point that he was disrupting the other horsemen, and interfering with their productivity, or I suppose one should say destructivity. So one day Attila took the boy aside and said "Listen, this just isn't working out. I like you, and I love your aunt, and I'll pay for this, but I can't take you along anymore." "But why not?" asked the boy. "Well, it's like this," said Attila "You can Hun, kid, but you can't ride." ? ~~ ? Kirk¡¯s Puns ? Why would Sherlock Holmes not have to pay any income taxes? (If he were living in the United States today) ????Because of all of his brilliant deductions. ? Taxes are a form of Capitol punishment. ? In Switzerland , disabled men are not allowed to serve in the military.??As a result, their taxes are higher.??I could never see this happening in America .??For one thing, the Quadriplegics Union would be up in arms over the idea. ? Death and taxes go hand in hand.??Taxes are murder, and murder is taxing. ? Lead story in Italian newspaper, year 1550:??Due to unpaid taxes, the Italian government puts a lien on the Tower of Pisa . ? ~~ ? Quote of the Day:?? The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -- Robert Bloch ? ~~ ? Today's One-Liner:?? "A bad habit is like a leaky faucet. The longer you let it go, the worse it gets." ? ~~ ? Unusual Changes ? When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician. ? ¡°Has your address changed?¡± she asked. ? ¡°No,¡± I answered. ? ¡°Your phone number?¡± ? ¡°±·´Ç.¡± ? ¡°What about your birthday?¡± ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? ~~ ? For the Mrs? ? Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. ? ¡°Your wife must like rolls,¡± he said. ? ¡°How do you know these are for my wife?¡± I asked. ? ¡°Because your mother wouldn¡¯t send you out in weather like this.¡± ? Received from Reader's Digest ? ~~ ? Pregnant ? A boy sought out his mother one afternoon with a question. ? "Mommy, what does 'pregnant' mean?" he asked. ? "Where did you hear that dear?" the mother asked. ? "Tommy said the lady down the street is pregnant," the boy replied. ? The mother realized there was a woman on her block who was pregnant. She answered, "If you're pregnant, that means you're carrying a child."? ? "Oh, OK," the boy replied. ? Days later, the two of them witness a fire in a building while driving back home from the park. A fireman was walking down a ladder holding a child he had just saved from the flames. ? "Look, Mommy," the boy excitedly said. "That man is pregnant!" ----- THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU HAVE KIDS ? Have kids? Then you're no doubt well-versed with the items on this list. If not, these are... ? Things You Don't Know Until You Have Kids ? How many seconds it takes to microwave four fish slicks perfectly. ? Who John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt really is. ? How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child, and all of the above simultaneously. ? Which lines of "The Cat in the Hat" and "If I Ran the Circus" can be skipped over without a child noticing. ? How bright a 3 AM full moon is. ? The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes, and mitten clips. ? Locations of public restrooms all across town. ? Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie. ? The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball. ? How little sleep a human body truly needs to function. ? Every Disney lyric ever penned. ? How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it. ? That reverse psychology really works. ? Why they call them Happy Meals. ? The blessedness of naps. ? How much you can truly love one human being.
? Received from HaHaFunnies. ? ~~ ? ?Uncle Leo Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.""What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo". This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash." (I said some were funny, I didn't say all were.) Phyllis Ingram ~~ ? A Medical Funny ? A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. ? So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." ? "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." ? "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" ? "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?" ? ----- ? I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ~~ ? ?Delta? This is correct, but not very interesting. D is the fourth letter of the English alphabet and Delta is the Geek equivalent. A more interesting question might be what is the third letter of the Greek Alphabet? You might think it¡¯s the Greek equivalent of C, but it¡¯s not ¨C there is no C in Greek. The third letter is Gamma, their version of G. The fifth letter is interesting too. Our fifth letter is E, and Greek¡¯s is Epsilon, which is an equivalent. But Greek has two letters that correspond to E. Besides Epsilon there¡¯s also Eta (the 7th?letter). As a side note, Greek also has two equivalents to our letter O. There¡¯s Omicron (of COVID variant fame), or ¡°small O¡± and ¡°big O,¡± Omega (O mega). If you¡¯re not bored to tears,??? Received from Conrad Macina. ?? ~~ ? Sports Repairman
Three women were sitting around and
bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he
graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000
a year in Chicago." ~~ ? Top 45 Oxymorons ? 45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline Food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military Intelligence 25. Software documentation 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. ¡°Now, then ¡¡± 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works ? As seen at Joke-of-the-Day ? ~~ ? It¡¯s Not for Everyone ? What is tact? ? ----- ? The Men and the Fools ? After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked
my recruiter what I could expect from jump training. ? ----- Fact of the Day: Napoleon Suffered from Ailurophobia French military leader Napol¨¦on Bonaparte was known for many things during the French Revolution and also during his reign as the Emperor of France. One of those would be his fear of cats. Bonaparte suffered from ailurophobia, a phobia that is an extreme or irrational fear of cats. ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ~~ ? Daily Trivia Questions:? ? 31.?What color is Sonic the Hedgehog?
32.?What is the name of Homer's eldest daughter in?The Simpsons?
33.?When did World War II begin?
34.?What continent do a?ai berries grow on?
? 35.?Who was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean?
? ~~ ? What's on the Web? ------------------------ ? ? ~~ ?
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 6, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 6, 2024 Today's Clean Limerick ? At a solar eclipse, you should know There's a term that is quite apropos. ????????????If you look at the sky, ????????????Pretty soon you'll know why That the sun is the?star?of?the?show. ? ?Grover got it. Received from Kirk Miller. _________________________________________________________________ ? Here's Today's Clean Puns:? Ludwig complained to his mother that he could not find his toy violin. His mother said, "You had it yesterday when you were playing with your friend Johann Sebastian. Why don't you look in the Bach yard." He wanted to change the TV station to watch the big game, but there wasn¡¯t even a?remote possibility. ? When he broke the speed reading record, it was one for the books. ? A residential agent complained about not being able to find existing homes to list, so he switched to selling raw land.??Now he has lots. ? I think my brother is crazy.??All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, English peas, and crowder peas.??Then he just sits there and looks at them.??When I asked him why, he said he was just minding his peas in queues. ? He reigned over hundreds of mules.??It was because of this that he got all of the donkey food gratis.??It was free for the Ass King. ? ?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?? You¡¯ve got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you¡¯ve got to be a humorist to stay one. -¨C Will Rogers ? ?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? ? ?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? Money Troubles ? I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. ¡°Can¡¯t you live within your income?¡± asked the judge. ? ¡°No, Your Honor,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s all I can do to live within my credit.¡± ? Provided by Reader's Digest? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Gift Exchange ? My friend reviewed her young son¡¯s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: ¡°At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.¡± His response: ¡°Receipts.¡± ? Received from Reader's Digest ? ?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? ? Selling the Car ? Judi advertised her car for sale, but it was proving difficult because it had 250,000 miles on the odometer. ? One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." ? "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "I really need to sell the car." ? "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then selling your car should not be a problem." ? The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. ? Two weeks later, she met up with her friend, who asked, "Did you sell your car?" ? "No," replied Judi, "I decided to keep it." ? "Really?" the friend replied. "What made you change your mind?" ? Judi answered, "It only has 50,000 miles on it!" ----- Answer the Question ? It was 2 pm in Mrs. Larsen's first grade class. She posed a difficult question to the class with a reward to whomever could answer it first. ? "Whoever answers my next question can go home early," she said. ? She then began writing the question on the blackboard. ? When her back was turned, Jimmy threw a pencil to the front of the room. It hit the blackboard. ? Mrs. Larsen spun around. "Who threw that?" ? "I did," Jimmy answered. "and since that was your next question, I'm going home!" ----- Musings and Puns ? Here are some musings and puns for today and several more days: ? We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. ? I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it. ? I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.? ? People used to laugh when I would say I wanted to be a comedian. Well nobody's laughing now! ? I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup, so I called the grounds keeper. ? If you start a job working 40 hours a week, and you put forth a good work ethic, you may eventually get promoted to manager and work 80 hours a week. ? The location of your mailbox determines how far from home you can be in your bathrobe and slippers before you start looking like a mental patient. ? Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. ? My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. ? My sixty year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 165 lbs. I've gained. ? I'm getting tired of always raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?" ? The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm. ? If Plan A doesn't work, not to worry. There are still Plans B through Z. ? It's interesting how it's called rush hour when nothing is moving. ? If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need, not all this "How did you get in my house?" business! ? When you're in jail, a good friend will be there to bail you out. A great friend will be in the cell next to you, saying, "Damn! That was fun!" ? Everyone wants to save the Earth but no one wants to help Mom do the dishes. ? I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor." ? I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. ? What is it about riding in a car that makes people think we can't see them picking their noses? ?? The most popular sandwiches at the German deli were made from the wurst meats. ? Men join clubs for the same reason they once carried them: Security. ? The money in a bank account is a little like toothpaste: easy to take out, but hard to put back in. ?? My fist and I are best friends, even though he can be something of a knucklehead. ? Advice is like cooking - you should try it before you feed it to others. ? How is it that we park in the driveway but drive on the parkway? ? Received from HaHaFunnies. ? ?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? ? A Breakfast Funny ? Mom: "Eat your breakfast." ? Son: "Why?" ? Mom: "You want to grow up to be super smart, don't you?" ? Son: "No. I want to grow up to be like daddy." ? ----- ? Not sure if I'm bad at sleeping or really really really really really really really really really good at thinking. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? ? ?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? ? More Oxymorons ? Adding more Oxymorons to the top 45 Oxymorons based on this twitter message: ? 46. Jumbo Shrimp via @wbaustin 47. Deafening Silence via @PhoenixComedy 48. Hotwater Heater via @tinkertoytech 49. Forward Retreat via @wbaustin 50. Open Secret via @wbaustin 51. Bittersweet via @wbaustin 52. Uniquely Similar via @wbaustin 53. Civil War via @wbaustin 54. Organized Mess via @wbaustin 55. Smart Politician via @Rauterkus 56. Completely Unfinished via @wbaustin 57. Partially Complete via @DavidGleason 58. Freezer burn via @wbaustin 59. Rock opera via @wbaustin 60. Reality TV via @KarenSloan 61. Handsoff mentoring via @andybrwn 62. Organic pesticide via @wbaustin 63. legendary new novel via @jemyl41 64. secondary headline via @jemyl41 65. legend in his own time via @jemyl41 66. clean dirt via @jemyl41 67. sanitized soil via @jemyl41 68. civil service via @BCLobbyist 69. Great Depression via @alfabettezoupe 70. Cold Sweat via @saiffe 71. Latin America via @saiffe 72. simply confusing via @cyndeZu 73. Amtrak Schedule via @paulhyland 74. Virtual Reality via @paulhyland 75. Corporate Responsibility via @paulhyland ? As seen at Joke-of-the-Day ? ????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? ? Christmas in October ? On social media I posted, ¡°If anyone mentions Christmas before
Thanksgiving, I'm going to delete them!¡± ? ----- ? Covering the Bird ? We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her
first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink
with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the
turkey. ? ----- Fact Of The Day:? The First Thanksgiving Holiday It was on October 3, 1863 that then US President, Abraham Lincoln, declared Thanksgiving a national holiday. ? Received from aJokeADay.com _________________________________________________________________ ?
?????????????????????_________________________________________________________________ ? Daily Trivia Question:? ? 36.?Which two colors make up the flag of Denmark?
37.?What was the name of the crime boss who was head of the feared Chicago Outfit?
38.?The line "To be or not to be" comes from which Shakespeare play?
39.?A variable that doesn¡¯t change when other variables are altered is known as the:
40.?"Let them eat cake" is a famous misquote attributed to who?
? _________________________________________________________________ ? What's on the Web? ------------------------ ? Ayo Edebiri talks about Robert Townsend giving her a directing crash course while filming Season 3 of The Bear, the Pixar trick that made her a better voice actor for Inside Out 2 and the time her dad refused to let The Departed's film crew shoot in their house. _________________________________________________________________ ?
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 5, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 5, 2024 ? A Clean Sweep ? The janitors got no raise in pay, A few thought, there¡¯s no reason to stay. But before those few left, Took school's cash, made a theft; And they all made a clean get away. ? ? Chris Gross ? ? ----- ? Here's Today's CleanPun:? My husband and I work different shifts and try to schedule appointments so that one of us will be home to care for the children. Recently I left him this note: "I have a doctor's appointment Thursday at 11. The kids are yours." The next morning I found this reply from my brown-eyed spouse: "I'm so relieved. Their blue eyes had me wondering all these years!" ? ~~ ? Kirk¡¯s Punnies ? When it comes to understanding the stars in our galaxy, astronomers are doing a real stellar job ? Bill: I haven't forgiven you for putting superglue on my pen. Will: Twenty years later and you still can't let that go? ? During a baseball game, a fly ball hit a flock of ducks in mid-air, killing one and injuring two others.??The umpire ruled that the hit was a fowl ball. ? A drunk who had been indulging fairly steadily staggered into a funeral parlor.??"I need a stiff drink," he said.??When the undertaker explained where he was, the imbiber said, "In that case, I'll have a bier." ? A good pun is like a good steak -- a rare medium well done. ? ? ~~ ? Quote of the Day:?? The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too. -Samuel Butler ? ~~ ? Today's One-Liner:?? Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there¡¯d be so many! -- Unknown ? ~~ ? In the Clear ? During my time in the Navy, everyone was getting KP or guard duty except me. Not wanting to get in trouble, I asked the ensign why. ? ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡± he asked. ? ¡°Michael Zyvoloski.¡± ? ¡°That¡¯s why. I can¡¯t pronounce it, much less spell it.¡± ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? ~~ ? Twitter Addiction ? A man tells his doctor, ¡°Doc, help me. I¡¯m addicted to Twitter!¡± ? The doctor replies, ¡°Sorry, I don¡¯t follow you ¡¡± ? Received from Reader's Digest ? ~~ ? Truths For Mature Humans ? Mature humans have many truths and musings. Here are just a few: ? Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. ? I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. ? There is great need for a sarcasm font. ? How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? ? Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. ? Bad decisions make good stories. ? You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work or at home when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. ? Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my DVD collection again. ? I always get worried when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. ? I think the freezer deserves a light as well. ? I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. ? I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. ? How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a single word the person you're talking to said? ? Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. ? Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. ? Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! ? The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. This means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brains are also important.? Ladies.....Quit Laughing! ? Received from HaHaLaughs? ? ? ? ~~ ? How Many Do You Remember? ? * Head light dimmer switches on the floor. * Ignition swithes on the dashboard. * Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. * Candy cigarettes * Home milk delivery in glass bottles. * Party lines on the telephone. * Newsreels before the movie. * Howdy Doody. * 45 rpm records. * Bread delivered by horse and cart. ? Syman Says; symansays@... ? ~~ ? A Talk Funny ? A father decided it was time to have "the talk" with his ten-year-old son.? Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about "the birds and the bees". ? "I don't want to know," his son replied, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me.? Please!" ? Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong.? ? "Oh dad", the boy replied, in between sobs, "when I was six, I got the 'there¡¯s no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there¡¯s no Easter bunny' speech.? When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you are going to tell me now there's no such things as birds and bees I don't know what I will do!" ? ----- ? If a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to see it, a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? ~~ ? Theological Arguments So it seems that these four
rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord
against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1,
majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority. ? ~~ ? ? ~~ ? ?It turns out when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick one of your own.
I was surprised to open the front door and find a piano
tuner. I told him I hadn¡¯t called him. He told me my neighbors had.
I¡¯ve never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don¡¯t sit on a wall, if you¡¯re an egg.?-- Ricky Gervais ? ~~ ? ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? ? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). ? For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, ¡°And all girls.¡± ? As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, ¡°Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?¡± ? Her response, ¡°Because we always finish our prayers by saying ¡®All Men¡¯!¡± ? Received from Joke-of-the-Day ? ~~ ? Money Deposit ? A customer goes to the bank to make a deposit.
Phyllis Ingram ? ~~ ? It's the Job ? Two friends met after not seeing each other for a couple of
months. ? ? ? Thought of the Day:? Love and Chocolate ¡°All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then
doesn't hurt.¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ~~ ? ? ? Received from Beliefnet.com.? BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ~~ ? Daily Trivia Questions:? ? 21.?Which element has the chemical symbol "W"?
22.?What is the only planet in our??that rotates clockwise?
23.?What is a prime number?
24.?What are the primary colors?
? 25.?What is the name of the coffee that's made from poop?
? ~~ ? What's on the Web? ------------------------ ? ? - August 04, 2024?-DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been pet owners for 30 years. Our last beloved dog passed away six months ago. We are in our late 50s and still work full time. We agreed we would not get any more animals because we would like to travel without worry for a change. My sister has a big old dog that is good-natured and well-mannered, and she's hinting for me to keep him so she can go to stay in her son's condo in Florida that allows no pets. Her dog may be well-mannered, but he drools and shakes his head and all that flies all over my house and furniture. Yuck! I recommended a friend of mine to her who would take good care of him. After our last pooch died, we cleaned our house, bought new rugs and got rid of the dog odor. We are not ready for any more animals in our home. I commute to my job by train and, frankly, don't have time to watch her dog. Since I recommended my friend, my sister has stopped answering my calls and texts. I feel bad, but her animal is not my responsibility. My husband and I don't want to share our home with her 89-pound dog. Her request was presumptuous, but I still feel guilty. What should I do? Just deal with the silence? I don't feel I deserve the punishment I'm receiving. -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN TENNESSEE DEAR DOGHOUSE: What you do now is stick to your guns and refuse to knuckle under to your sister's emotional blackmail. She should have accepted your refusal to be the answer to her big, jowly, drooly problem with grace. You have been a responsible pet owner. You were kind to recommend someone who would take good care of your sister's furry family member, and you have the RIGHT to enjoy your freedom now. DEAR ABBY: For more than seven years, my partner and I have been in a romantic relationship. In the past, our connection was full of affection. We would hold hands, kiss and hug in public. However, over the past year, his affection has diminished. While I trust that he still loves me, I suspect he no longer finds me attractive. I have spoken to him about it and explained the effect this is having on my self-esteem, and that I cry myself to sleep. He attributes his lack of passion to exhaustion, despite having plenty of energy for other activities. He's 67; I'm 53. I don't know what to do because he refuses to seek counseling. Please help. -- ROMANTIC LADY IN TEXAS DEAR LADY: Because your partner refuses to seek counseling doesn't mean that you couldn't benefit from it. His diminished interest in affection, and everything that goes with it, is not necessarily a reflection on you. Some males in his age bracket experience a similar lack of interest in sex. However, when they see the effect it may have on their partner, they consult a specialist to ask if anything can be done about it. Your partner's doctor could refer him to someone, but only if he's willing to ask. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 4, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 4, 2024 ? ? Here's Today's CleanPun:? ? Surely you have heard about England's great cricketing family, Fotheringbushes. Bats were handed from father to son and the refinements of the game were drilled into the young men of the family from the age of six. While most of them observed the decorum of the genteel game, one scion, Herbert, had an unruly temper and to his family's shame insisted on disputing the calls made by the arbiters of the game. In one particularly close match, Herbert's temper reached such a peak that he rushed to the man in charge of the game, pummeled him, knocked him to the ground and sat on the squirming squire. Fotheringbush Senior, aghast at his progeny's behavior, rushed from the clubhouse onto the field, and pulled off the lad. "Surely, my boy," he admonished sternly, "you above all others should know that the son never sits on the British umpire!" (Bennett Cerf) ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? Kirk¡¯s Puns ? They worked on the song separately and then compared notes ? Trying to eat lunch on a beach with so many seagulls?was for the birds ? Now that the cold winter was over, the maple tree could breathe?a sigh of re-leaf ? Once upon a time there was a King who was
only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler. ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? Quote of the Day:?? Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -- Aristotle ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Today's One-Liner:?? "Compromise: an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted." ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Proud Mom ? I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don¡¯t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it¡¯s doing. ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? What¡¯s IQ Got to Do With It? ? Sometimes men don¡¯t date women for their IQs. Here are some examples: ? Today, my girlfriend asked me if my grandmother had any kids. ? My girlfriend and I went out to dinner. We were going to get there 30 minutes early, so I told her to call to see if they could bump us up. The reservation was under my name. After being with me for a year, she didn¡¯t know how to say my last name. ? It took my girlfriend almost a full season of The Office to realize it wasn¡¯t a reality show. ? Received from Reader's Digest ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Anagrams ? An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase in which you can rearrange the letters to make an entirely new word or phrase. In the following examples, both words or phrases relate to one another, and are quite astounding! ? Dormitory = Dirty Room Desperation = A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dots Slot Machines = Lost Cash in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity The Eyes = They See Presbyterian = Best in Prayer Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is No Meal A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet Astronomer = Moon Starer Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler ? Sentences can be anagrams too. This one's amazing:?[From Hamlet by Shakespeare] ? To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. ? Becomes: ? In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. ? And the grand finale: ? "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."?-- Neil A. Armstrong ? becomes: ? A thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon. On to Mars! ? Received from HaHaFunnies? ?? ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? Word-y Causes: ? A money gift... Doughnation ? To recognize by sight... Eyedentify ? A door for men only... Gentrance ? An inaccurate appraisal... Guestimate ? The only thing a rooster has to offer... Hentertainment ? A college for crazy people... Luniversity ? A good month to make fun of things... Mocktober ? A wonderful party... Swedllebaration ? What a fellow is when he's frightened... Scareful ? What a discussion sometimes turns into... Wargument ? Syman Says; symansays@... ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? A Fight Funny
fighting were brought to me. ? They were brothers. ? I asked what's the problem? ? The first answered, "He called me ugly!!" ? The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!" ? I tried very hard not to laugh...they were identical twins! ? ----- ? Golf balls are like eggs ... they are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? No More Free Tech Support By Nick Bradbury ? Developers sometimes dread meeting new people. We suspect that when people find out what we do, they're probably going to ask us to fix a problem they're having with their computer. ? The same dread occurs at major holidays when we get together with extended family. While everyone else is enjoying their time together, we're off by ourselves fixing their computers, or getting rid of a virus, or uninstalling the dozens of toolbars that suddenly appeared in their browsers, or figuring out why iTunes won't sync anymore. ? It's not that we don't want to help. It's just that we spend all day (and sometimes all night) in front of our computers, so it'd be nice to forget all about tech at social events. ? But this situation is unlikely to change soon. Despite our attempts to make software easier to use, it's still too unfriendly, too breakable, and just too damn geeky. People rely on their computers so heavily that we're going to be asked for free tech support for many years. ? So here's what I propose: offer to trade your time doing tech support for their time talking about how they use their computers. ? Yeah, I know that sounds silly, but hear me out. ? A big reason software is still so unfriendly is that most developers spend very little time understanding how non-geeks experience the tech we build. We surround ourselves with fellow techies and start thinking everyone uses software the same way we do, so we keep building stuff for ourselves. ? The only way we're going to stop spending so much time giving free tech support is by making stuff that's easier to use and less breakable. It's when we step into the world of non-geeks, where people type URLs into Google's search box instead of the address bar, that we start to understand what we're doing wrong. ? So the trade seems like a fair one to me. ? As seen at mycleanhumor ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Get ready to groan. ? ?You know about Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard about Cole's Law?? ?? Thinly sliced cabbage ? If George Washington were alive today, why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? ????Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to ? Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? ????Because he couldn't lie ? Where did George Washington buy his hatchet? ????At the chopping mall ? The teacher asked little Johnny, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"??Little Johnny replied, "Because he still had the axe in his hand." ? How did George Washington speak to his army? ????In general terms
What do you say to your sister when she is crying???Are you having a crisis?? ? Received from Phyllis Ingram ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ? SAY A PRAYER ? Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother¡¯s house Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. ? ¡°Johnny wait until we say our prayer.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have to,¡± The boy replied. ? ¡°Of course, you do,¡± his mother insisted. ¡°We say a prayer, before eating, at our house.¡± ? ¡°That¡¯s our house,¡± Johnny explained. ¡°But this is Grandma¡¯s house and she knows how to cook! ? Received from Joke-of-the-Day ? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? ? Prison Life vs Full-Time Job In prison you spend the
majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time
in a 6' X 8' cubicle. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Don¡¯t Put Off Till Tomorrow ? I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater... ? ----- ? If I Had Your Faith ? Two nuns were driving alone out in a rural area. They ran out of
gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they
asked to purchase a can of gasoline. ? ? ----- Thought Of The Day:? In Your Cheerios ¡°Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?¡± Received from aJokeADay.com ?? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________?? Daily Trivia Questions:? ? 26.?Which Peanuts character always plays the piano?
27.?What is the name of the tool commonly used to grind substances in a mortar?
28.?What is the name of the scale used to measure spiciness of peppers?
29.?What does a camel store in its hump?
30.?What year was the movie??released?
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 3
Daily Clean Jokes for August 3 ________________________________________________________________? ? A Nicer Approach ? Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight. This went on night after night. ? He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. ? One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. ? The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." ? The wife thought that might be a good idea. ? That night, Harry took off again after dinner, and about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. ? His wife quickly went to the door, opened it and let Harry in. ? This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took off his shoes. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" ? "Might as well," Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I'll be getting in trouble with the wife when I get home anyway."? ? Received from HaHaFunnies ? ~~ ? ?Cousin Elly Cousin Elly,
who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed
up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric
coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Received from GCFL. ----- Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" ~~ ? BEWARE OF TRASH ? One particular four-year old prayed, ¡°And forgive us our ¡®trash baskets¡¯ as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.¡± ? Received from Joke-of-the-Day ? ~~ ?
Why wouldn't the dentist
display his awards? ? ----- ?
? ----- Thought of the Day:? Love Is Blind ¡°Love is blind but marriage is
a real eye-opener.¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ~~ ? MotorcyclistA motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day. The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck. They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and at the end turned around to check how his friend was doing. But the friend had fallen off! The cyclist rushed back along the dirt path, and discovered a group of construction workers gathered around his friend. He pushed his way through the crowd and asked how his friend was doing.? "He seemed alright," came the reply, "until we turned his head around the right way." ----- Confucius Says- Man who stand on toilet high on pot. - Crowded elevator smell different to midget. - He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons. - Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self. - Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.? - Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet. - Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. - Man who drive like hell bound to get there. ----- Make Life More Enjoyable- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. - Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. - Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. - No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.? - Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). - If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. ----- Quick Quotes"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out." -- Julian Clary---? "Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another." -- George Carli ~~ ? Daily Trivia Questions:? 16.?What is the largest bird of prey in the world?
17.?Which novel begins with the line, "Call me Ishmael"?
18.?In Greek mythology, who is the goddess of wisdom and warfare?
19.?Which country are you visiting if you are in the Taj Mahal?
20.?What is the longest venomous snake in the world?
________________________________________________________________ ? On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to
visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. ----- Somebody has said there are only two
kinds of people in the world. ? ----- ? - "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts
protected by 1st amendment. ? ----- ?Three Little PigsQ. Why did the three little pigs decide to
leave home?
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 1, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for August 1, 2024 Limerick ? ?"Bought a plane, removed wings," announced Goff. "I'll remodel; result will be boff. ????????????A caf¨¦ will result." ????????????I said, "Please don't exult. I just can't see?the?thing?taking?off." ? Jim, Bill, Chris, John got it.? ? Kirk Miller _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Kirk¡¯s Puns ? Christmas trees only use the past and future tense as they believe the present is beneath them. ? I was hired to modernize a department store.??I had to convince them that it was financially sound to add escalators, even though they had adequate elevators.??Every successful department store executive should know that elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.??My biggest error was to recommend they redo the front in imported marble.??Everybody took it for granite. ? The author of Tobacco Road was a hypochondriac.??He seemed to be sick all the time.??In fact, you seldom would hear Erskine called well. ? A woman told her husband to stop playing Frisbee in the house.??She wouldn't see it coming, and it would unerringly land on the keys of the piano, striking the same three keys.??This became known as the marital disk chord. ? The 6¡¯9¡±, 350-pound circus clown showed off his new shirt under the big top.? _________________________________________________________________ ? Here's Today's CleanPun:? Said Mrs. Nixon to Mrs. Kennedy on the eve of the 1960 election, "I slept with the future president of the United States last night." To which Mrs. Kennedy responded, "That Jack'll do anything for a vote." _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?? If I plagiarize, it¡¯s only because I like someone else¡¯s idea better than mine and I want credit for it.?-- Richard W. Lipman ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -- John Peers _________________________________________________________________ ? In the Band ? Sam¡¯s eighth birthday, my brother took him to a football game. During halftime, a Marine band played, and Sam studied them intently. ? ¡°Why the interest in the band?¡± his father asked. ? ¡°I¡¯m checking to see if Ben and Matt from our synagogue are in it. They¡¯re Marines.¡± ? ¡°But they¡¯re in Afghanistan.¡± ? ¡°If I were in a marching band, I¡¯d say I was in Afghanistan too.¡± ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? _________________________________________________________________ ? New Cars ? Visiting a new port is always exciting, and when our destroyer docked in Kiel, Germany, it was no different. In fact, one of my men was awestruck. ? ¡°Look, Chief,¡± he whispered excitedly. ¡°They have Volkswagens over here too!¡± ? Received from Reader's Digest ? _________________________________________________________________ ? Women's Marriage Seminar A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. ? _________________________________________________________________? ? An Order Funny ? A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights" ? The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!" ? "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up." ? "Oh," says the waitress. ? The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. ? The guy asks, "What are the beans for?" ? The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up." ? ----- ? The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day. ? Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ? _________________________________________________________________ ? Vanity Plates: ? GO FETCH PA THE SUIT PA SKYSLMT NJ MERCE ME PA LAB S4MED PA GRN NRGY PA ICU HI PA MAZL TOV NY OH JOY NJ ? ----- ? Bumper Stickers: ? Seen on the same bumper; ? "Vote Democrat: it's easier than working!" "Vote Republican: it's easier than thinking!" ? Syman Says;?symansays@... ? _________________________________________________________________ ? A Son Funny Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint.? He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself.? Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said.? "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied.? "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party." >>>Today's Thot What if oxygen is actually killing us, and it just takes 75-100 years to work? ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ? _________________________________________________________________ ? Tech Support Joke ? Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. ? Received from mycleanhumor ? _________________________________________________________________? A Nicer Approach ? Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight. This went on night after night. ? He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. ? One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. ? The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." ? The wife thought that might be a good idea. ? That night, Harry took off again after dinner, and about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. ? His wife quickly went to the door, opened it and let Harry in. ? This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took off his shoes. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" ? "Might as well," Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I'll be getting in trouble with the wife when I get home anyway."? Received from HaHaFunnies ? _________________________________________________________________ ? ?Cousin Elly Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. _________________________________________________________________ ? BEWARE OF TRASH ? One particular four-year old prayed, ¡°And forgive us our ¡®trash baskets¡¯ as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.¡± ? Received from Joke-of-the-Day ? _________________________________________________________________ ? Why wouldn't the dentist display his awards? ? ----- ?
? ----- Thought of the Day:??Love Is Blind ¡°Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.¡± ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? _________________________________________________________________ MotorcyclistA motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day. The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck. They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and at the end turned around to check how his friend was doing. But the friend had fallen off! The cyclist rushed back along the dirt path, and discovered a group of construction workers gathered around his friend. He pushed his way through the crowd and asked how his friend was doing.? "He seemed alright," came the reply, "until we turned his head around the right way." ----- Confucius Says- Man who?stand?on toilet?high?on pot. - Crowded?elevator?smell different to?midget. - He who eats too many prunes, sits?on potty many?moons. -?Man?who fall?in vat?of molten glass?make spectacle?of?self. - Man who?make?love?to girl?on hill...he not?on level.? -?Honeymoon over?when man?who whispered sweet nothings before now?say?nothing sweet. - Man who jumps?through screen?door likely?to strain himself. - Man who?drive?like?hell bound?to get there. ----- Make Life More Enjoyable- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. - Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. - Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. - No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.? - Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). - If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. ----- Quick Quotes"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out."?-- Julian Clary? "Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."?-- George Carlin Received from ArcaMax Jokes. _________________________________________________________________ Daily Trivia Questions:? 16.?What is the largest bird of prey in the world? 17.?Which novel begins with the line, "Call me Ishmael"? 18.?In Greek mythology, who is the goddess of wisdom and warfare? 19.?Which country are you visiting if you are in the Taj Mahal? 20.?What is the longest venomous snake in the world? |
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Daily Clean Jokes for July 31, 2024
Daily Clean Jokes for July 31, 2024? ? ? Limericks: There's a lawyer of well-known repute Who's successful and rather astute. ????????????Got one plaintiff on board ????????????And could not be ignored, Because others did soon?follow?suit. ? ? There's a poker game host, Peter Brown, Whose refreshments are best in the town. ????????????He has plenty to eat ????????????During games, can't be beat. He has backup snacks when?chips?are?down. ? Bill and Jim and Chris and Guy got it. ? ? I've a clock that is way past its prime 'Cause a part has worn out, doesn't chime. ????????????There is really no doubt ????????????That before part wore out, Clock worked perfectly?from?time?to?time. ? ? The car salesman's approach did convey Much aggressiveness to his dismay, ????????????So the folks wouldn't buy ????????????Any cars from the guy. His hard sell simply?drove?them?away. ? Grover and Jim and Chris and Bill got it. ? Kirk
Miller ? ? Received from Kirk Miller Limericks ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? Kirk¡¯s Puns ? Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center. "Well," one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband." "Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. 'Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!" ? Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself. ? Guido Marishino looked at his Thompson submachine gun with its gentle spiral of smoke climbing from the once-flaming muzzle, then looked at the crumpled, bullet-ridden body of the street performer with his blood-spattered make-up, and realized with sadness that, no matter how much money they had paid him to do it, a mime?was a terrible thing to waste. ? She told me the drink was non-alcoholic, but where was the proof? ? Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a "Dragnet"? ? Kirk Miller ________________________________________________________________________ ?? A Note
I had sat down with my family after finishing my
worship leading responsibilities at my church. My son, an eight-year-old, who
was just learning to sit in "big church" was whispering to mommy. A
few minutes later, he had written something on a piece of paper and wadded it
up to hand to me. ----- Sunday School Nine year old Joey was asked by his
mother what he had learned at Sunday school. Riddles and Puns and Jokes for the 8- to 14-year-olds in your life ? Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop.? ? Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.? ? What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.? ? What illness do basketball players get??? Hooping Cough.? ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.? ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?" Student: "With a pencil, Ma'am, either a 2B or not 2B."? ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I was fired from my job selling amplifiers. I didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.? ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? An expectant friend with sons 4 and 2 asked the older one, Ben, if he would like to have a new brother. After careful thought, Ben replied, "No, let's just keep Brian."?? ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense. ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Doctor, Doctor ? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing ringing in my ears.? Nonsense, you're as sound as a bell.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I feel very flushed.? You must have flu.? No, I walked.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I've broken my leg. What shall I do?? Limp.? ? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. Well pull yourself together then. ? (I did say I'd give you puns.) ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. ? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? They hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years, but every year they always sent him birthday greetings. One year, they remembered how he had always admired a set of military hair brushes, so they sent them to him as a gift. A few weeks later they received a snapshot of their completely bald uncle with a note that read: " Thanks for the gift. I will never part with it." (Did you get it?? A bald man has no hair to part.) ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Do you have any books on electricity? ????Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the subject.??Wire you asking? ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes? ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. ? ________________________________________________________________________ ? ? The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It was a case of acid dental death. ________________________________________________________________________
?________________________________________________________________________ ? Riddles and Puns and Jokes for the 8- to 14-year-olds in your life ? Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop.? Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.? What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.? What illness do basketball players get??? Hooping Cough.? ? Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.? Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?" Student: "With a pencil, Ma'am, either a 2B or not 2B."? I was fired from my job selling amplifiers. I didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.? ? An expectant friend with sons 4 and 2 asked the older one, Ben, if he would like to have a new brother. After careful thought, Ben replied, "No, let's just keep Brian."?? ? Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense. ? ?Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing ringing in my ears.? Nonsense, you're as sound as a bell.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I feel very flushed.? You must have flu.? No, I walked.?? ? Doctor, doctor, I've broken my leg. What shall I do?? Limp.? ? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. Well pull yourself together then. ? (I did say I'd give you puns.) ? When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ? They hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years, but every year they always sent him birthday greetings. One year, they remembered how he had always admired a set of military hair brushes, so they sent them to him as a gift. A few weeks later they received a snapshot of their completely bald uncle with a note that read: " Thanks for the gift. I will never part with it." (Did you get it?? A bald man has no hair to part.) Do you have any books on electricity? ????Watt we have is not current, but might shed some light on the subject.??Wire you asking? ? Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. ? I always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes? ? I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. ? The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It was a case of acid dental death. |