Daily Clean Jokes for August 15, 2024
?
Limericks
The Hallock Entity
I did NOT see the sign that read: Yield.
Hit a pig; didn't stop; off I peeled.
??????? Well, I just couldn't see
??????? How cops knew it was me.
Then the officer said, "The pig squealed."
????????????? -- Kirk Miller
===========
It is not quite that easy to do,
And I don't know just how to tell you,
??????? But that on that same day,
??????? You were TWO times betrayed,
Cause your tires up and squealed on you too!
??????????????? Bradley
===========
Poor Kirk when he ran the yield sign
And mowed down that poor squealing swine
?? ???????Hit one pig, not two
????????? It's sad but it's true
Double porking? He'll pay a big fine
??????????????? GARY HALLOCK
________________________________________________________________________
?
Today¡¯s One Liner:? Steve's keyboard must be broken ... he keeps
hitting the escape key, but he's still at work.
________________________________________________________________________
?
Quotes
of the Day:?
"It is not happy people who are thankful.
It is thankful people who are happy." -- Unknown
-----
"I know you can't save every dog. But you can totally
try to save the dog that's in front of you."? -- Cesar Millan?(B -
1969), American-Mexican dog trainer, aka The Dog Whisperer
________________________________________________________________________
?
A Dinner Funny
A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb
firmly clamped on the steak.
"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't
bring my food with your hand all over it!"
"What," answers the waiter, "you want it to
fall on the floor again?"
>>>Today's Thot
Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by
"African Queen"
-----
YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN ...
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the
coffee.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you
don't even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee
mug.
-----
A perfectionist is someone who takes great pains, and gives
them to everyone else.
Received from Mikey¡¯s
Funnies.
________________________________________________________________________
?
Art Good News/Bad News
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner
replied.?
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your
work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.? When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.?
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
-----
Bridget Schuil
In days of yore
A god of war
Rode out upon his filly.
"I'm Thor," he cried
And his horse replied
"Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."
Received from Pastor Tim.
-----
Appearance of Evil
|
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband
wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so
she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of
the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the
floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the
manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story
is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the
floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. He yells, "What
are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm
waiting for a train?"
|
|
?
|
?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for
illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional.
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you
make with them.
|
|
________________________________________________________________________
?
I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than
strict justice. -- Abraham Lincoln
It¡¯s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to
forgive. Forgive everybody. -- Maya Angelou
Take forgiveness slowly. Don¡¯t blame yourself for being
slow. Peace will come. -- Yoko Ono
Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier
to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive
people we love. -- Fred Rogers
_________________________________________________________________________
?
Husband¡¯s Hilarious
Dance Night Out
|
A husband, who is
not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife's months of nagging to take
her out dancing.
During the
evening one?guy on the dance floor is giving it large - break dancing,
moon?walking, back flips, the works.
Seeing this
performance, the wife turns to her husband and says: "See that
guy??25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband
replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
|
|
?
|
The PearlyGates
list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably
generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and
family-safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically,
and/or socially incorrect and he¡¯s OK with that. And yes, he would tell
these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain
public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than
the jokes he tells.
|
|
_________________________________________________________________________
?
True Meaning
A teacher was taking
her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor.
" P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a
thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same
thing."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth via GCFL.
______________________________________________________________________
?
Pre-Dawn Bus
Because I often have
to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was concerned that I wasn't always
visible to bus drivers in the darkness. So, I attached a reflector to my lunch
box and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing
lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then stopped.
I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't you
see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road
sign."
- from Pulpit Supply
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
______________________________________________________________________
?
Food for Thought
01. If a bottle of
poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer
poisonous???
02. Which letter is
silent in the word "Scent,"?the S or the C??
03. Do twins ever
realize that one of them is unplanned??
04. Every time you
clean something, you just make something else dirty.?
05. The word
"swims" upside-down is still "swims".?
06. Over 100 years
ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars
and only the rich own horses.??
07. If people evolved
from monkeys, why are monkeys still around??
08. Why is there a
'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator??
?09. As I've
grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing
everyone off is a piece of cake!?
10. I'm responsible
for what I say, not for what you understand.??
11. Common sense is
like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.?
12. My tolerance for
idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but
obviously, there's a new strain out there.??
14. It's not my age
that bothers me - it's the side effects.??
15. I'm not saying
I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash
day.??
16. As I watch this
generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be
misspelled and have no punctuation.??
17. As I've gotten
older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more
energy-efficient.??
18. I haven't gotten
anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this
stupid plastic bag.??
19. If you find
yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars,
thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the
Taliban.??
20. Turns out that
being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.??
21. I want to be 18
again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas??
22. I'm on two
simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.??
23. I put my scale in
the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it
apologizes.?
24. My mind is like
an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no
clue where the music is coming from.??
25. Hard to believe I
once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without
knowing who was calling.??
26. My wife says I
keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by
now.??
27. There is no such
thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop
being polite and start being honest.
Received from Virginia
Heilman.
______________________________________________________________________
?
After
successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional
spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant.
¡°You know,¡± mused one, ¡°it¡¯s a crying shame our grandchildren and
great-grandchildren haven¡¯t been born yet so they can see the terrific things
the government¡®s doing with their money."
-----
Patient:
"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up... something to get me
fired up and put me in a fighting mood. Did you put anything like that in this
prescription?"
Doctor: "No, not in the prescription. You'll find that in the bill."
-----
Thought Of The Day:? The Sober Ones
"I may make bad
decisions when I'm drunk, but the sober ones haven't been that great
either." -- Unknown
Received from aJokeADay.com
______________________________________________________________________
|
|
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that
he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I
had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
|
-----
Top Ten Excuses of
The Burger King Employee Who Stood In The Lettuce
10."Someone was
already standing in the pickles"
9."It seemed inappropriate to squat in the lettuce"
8."Was attempting to make four Whoppers at once"
7."Couldn't find a stepladder"
6."I'm trying to cut back on standing in carbs"
5."Sometimes, to relax, I pretend I'm a crouton"
4."It's the best way to get salad dressing off your shoes"
3."Had to cool my feet after standing in the deep fryer"
2."Someone needed to show the lettuce who's boss"
1."Hey, don't judge me till you've walked a mile in my lettuce"
-----
Transportation in
Heaven
And it came to pass
that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to
be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on
your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
The angel looked at
the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You
cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an
old beat-up Dodge."
The angel next looked
at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still
cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in
a Toyota station wagon."
The angel finally
looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You
did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For
this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."?
A short time later,
Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is,
sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.
"What's wrong,
Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so
down?"
Sam looked up, ever
so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a
skateboard."
-----
Dealing With
Telemarketers
pt. 1
If they want to loan
you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some
money.
If they start out
with, ¡°How are you today?¡± say, ¡°I¡¯m so glad you asked, because no one these
days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up,
my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ¡°
If they say they¡¯re
John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell
the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in
business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they
are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
(This works great if
you are male) Telemarketer: ¡°Hi, my name is Judy and I¡¯m with XYZ Company. ¡±
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, ¡°What are you wearing?¡±?
Cry out in surprise,
¡°Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?¡± Hopefully, this will
give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she
could know you from.
-----
More Jokes from
ArcaMax.com
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
Dear Abby
|
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a daughter,
"Liz," who is our life. She's 28 and a nurse. Her boyfriend,
"Owen," used to be a heavy cannabis user. My wife suspects he still
uses it when he gets "stressed." He is also a gambler.
We have tried to give Owen a chance. He had no
place to stay, so he stays in our walk-in in-law apartment. My wife thinks he
is disrespectful, but I think she overreacts because she doesn't like him.
Owen has been going out with my daughter for four
years now, and he says he is getting her a ring, but nothing transpires. Liz
seems to love him, but my wife and I feel he's not a good choice and is
headed for trouble down the road.
I'm at my wit's end and my wife is constantly
stressed. I know you are going to say our daughter is 28 and an adult, etc.,
but this situation is different. What else can you offer? -- STRUNG ALONG IN
NEW YORK
DEAR STRUNG ALONG: Have a "man-to-man" talk with Owen to
ask directly what his plans are regarding his relationship with your
daughter. He has lived with you (rent-free, I presume) for four years, and
the ring he promised hasn't materialized.
The living situation you have tolerated for so long
hasn't helped him move forward. (Could he have gambling debts?) While Liz may
not like you doing it, explain to Owen that it's time to find a place of his
own. I'm hoping, as I suspect you are, that this may galvanize him to action
-- whether it's to step up to the plate or head out the door.
DEAR ABBY: How do I ask my family to stop worrying
about me? I was widowed three years ago after a 28-year relationship. My
sisters and father panic if I don't respond to their texts within 12 hours,
always telling me they are "just worried."
We live in different time zones, and I try to
respect them by not responding after 9 or 10 p.m. They react with great worry
when they don't hear from me. I am a capable, self-aware adult, and I would
like this to stop without hurting their feelings. I have told them this and
they continue!
For example, I traveled one weekend and returned
home after 10 p.m. my time, midnight their time, and they responded 12 hours
later "HELLO??" when I didn't respond to a text about whether I was
home. This was air travel, not by car. When my father learned I had been out
of town, he was hurt that he was not aware.
I appreciate their concern but do not feel I need
to reassure them of my well-being. At the same time, I don't want to push
them away. Please advise. -- DOING WELL IN NEVADA
DEAR DOING WELL: Clearly, you have been much too considerate.
Here's what you do: Regardless of the hour, answer their texts. Let them wake
up at midnight or 1 a.m. to the "good news" that you have arrived
home safely, and perhaps they'll loosen up and stop worrying so much.
|
~~
Step back in time to
a galaxy far, far away with "Star Wars: 1950s Super Panavision 70"!
Experience the epic space saga like never before in glorious vintage style, as
the timeless tale of heroes, villains, and the Force unfolds in stunning Super
Panavision 70mm format. Join Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, and Han Solo on
their daring adventures against the sinister Empire, all set against the ...
?
?
