?
Two favorites ... one I posted earlier this month and then a similar one sent in by Conrad after he read mine:
Q: Two men are at a restroom, one is entering and the other is leaving. What are their nationalities?
A: Simple! The first is Russian and the second is Finnish.
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Another Old Favorite?
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Q: If you¡¯re American when you go into the restroom and you¡¯re American when you come out, what are you when you¡¯re in the restroom?
?
A: European.
Received from Conrad Macina.
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A Sport Funny
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college," his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered. "I was on West Point's shooting team."
"That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"
>>>Today's Thot
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I'm dead.
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A Gift Funny
Grown-up: "What do you want for your birthday this
year?"
Kid: "I'd like a little brother."
Grown-up: "Oh my, that's a big wish!? Why do
you want a little brother?"
Kid: "Well, there's only so much I can blame on the
dog."
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
>>>Today's Thot
I got a call from a scammer who said, "I've got all
of your passwords."
I said, "Great. What are they? I'll grab a
pen."
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A Visit Funny
The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of
a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the
little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother
remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?"
"No," answered the child. "He's at home,
but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose
him to it."
>>>Today's Thot
I hate when I wake up for a glass of water in the middle
of the night and eat a whole cheesecake.
Received from Mikey's Funnies
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Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other
stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a
little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the
wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various
reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the
next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're
making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That little truck
is keeping up with us."
Received from Thomas
Ellsworth?
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More Erma Bombeck QuotesEncourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
- From AZquotes.com via Wayne Onaka and GCFL.
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?
A group of horses were moving down towards the horse
court for horse jury.
One horse asks another, "Where do we enter again?"
The other horse replies indignantly, "Why the mane entrance of
course!"
-----
A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at
the counter, "You got any grapes?" Guy at the counter says, "No,
we don't have any grapes." Duck says "okay" and he leaves.
The next day the duck comes back in and says, "You got any grapes?"
The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes." The duck
says "okay" and he leaves.
The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?"
The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have
any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your
bill to the floor!" The duck replies "okay" and leaves.
The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any
nails?" The man at the counter says "No." The duck says,
"Well then, you got any grapes?"
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Thought Of The Day:? Spread Love Everywhere
¡°Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to
you without leaving happier.¡±
- Mother Teresa?
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?
A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the
cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the
little girl wiping her cheek.
¡°Are you wiping off my kiss?¡± she asked.
¡°No¡±, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, ¡°I¡¯m
just rubbing it in!¡±
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Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin.
Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to
take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same
two men in the same truck with the same penguin again.
He stops them and says, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this animal to a
zoo yesterday?"
The driver replies, "We did officer! We are taking him to the movies
today."
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Thought Of The Day:??Well Done
"Well done is better than well said."
- Benjamin Franklin?
Received from aJokeADay.com
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Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying
to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of
building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the
material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.
"No no," says the physicist, "there's a
better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it
encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's
an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a
little tiny fence around himself, then declares:?
"I define myself to be on the outside."
-----
? ??
Casual Fridays
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate
attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When
planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at
4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is
mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5?
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual
Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day
dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page
manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards."
A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter
"You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual"
versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each
Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing,
contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded
to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having
difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer
able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be
discontinued, effective immediately.
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A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one
asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to
build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"?
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a
Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the
idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years to life."
-----
- He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- He tells you that he has never told a lie.
- A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
-----
Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying
to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of
building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the
material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.
"No no," says the physicist, "there's a
better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it
encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's
an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a
little tiny fence around himself, then declares:?
"I define myself to be on the outside."
-----
Casual Fridays
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate
attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When
planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at
4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is
mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5?
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual
Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day
dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page
manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards."
A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter
"You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual"
versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each
Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing,
contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded
to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having
difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer
able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be
discontinued, effective immediately.
-----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
- Received from ArcaMax Jokes
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DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, my partner and I moved to a new community, befriending a neighbor whose initial kindness and generosity impressed us greatly. When the neighbor learned I was unemployed, his influence enabled me to secure a position with his company. In a professional setting, however, the neighbor revealed a personality that was manipulative, condescending, backstabbing and mean-spirited, often reducing colleagues to tears with his profanity-laced tirades. His was literally a Jekyll and Hyde transformation. After a decade of his tyranny and the suicide attempt of a colleague he had mercilessly badgered, I accepted a position with another company, and later retired to another state. Since then, he has contacted me at regular intervals to say he misses us as neighbors and friends and would like to visit. While working for his company financially empowered us to make future plans previously beyond our means, I lack the ability to prioritize gratitude over the memories of the emotional abuse to which he subjected my co-workers and me. My tenure there had a negative impact on my health, and I have no desire to relive the experience merely to nourish his ego. My partner suggests I can tolerate anything for a few days. Am I wrong to feel otherwise??-- HESITANT IN ARIZONA DEAR HESITANT: When your former boss asks to visit, politely decline. If he continues to pursue it, that will be the time for a frank conversation with him. When (and if) it comes to that, express that, although he was kind to you personally, his tirades and the fact that he nearly drove a co-worker to suicide were the reasons you left the company, which is why you prefer he not visit.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 25 years and I have become political opposites over the past several years. We watch different news networks and media. It has grown increasingly difficult to have any conversation with him without politics entering the discussion. As a result, I avoid talking to him about anything, and it is straining our marriage. I also prefer to go to social events alone, because he brings his political views into even the most casual conversations with people we are meeting for the first time. Have you any advice on how to address this problem? I don't see it getting any better after the elections, regardless of the outcome.?-- OPPOSITE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS DEAR OPPOSITE: Marriages can fail because a couple's divergent beliefs about what is important have driven a wedge between them that can't be bridged. In most marriages, a degree of compromise can be reached. If you and your husband are having trouble doing that, marriage counseling may help you figure out how to navigate your political differences. If you cannot do that, then you and your husband have some tough decisions to make. |
