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Daily Clean Jokes for August 20, 2024
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Daily Clean Jokes for August 20, 2024 ? ? Here's Today's CleanPun:? When I was growing up, our back fence neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Donald Vale. I spent my childhood sheltered behind D. Vale. A son they had named Noah intensely disliked his name and could hardly wait until he would be old enough and free to legally change it. To that end, he finally appeared before a judge, and with mixed feelings found that the proceedings would be alter Noah Vale.?(Glenn Gardner) ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:?? The saying ¡°It¡¯s not over ¡¯til the fat lady sings¡± is erroneous, because women who are fat are never listened to.?-- Margaret Cho ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:?? Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there¡¯d be so many!?-- Unknown ? ___________________________________________________ ? Love and Learning ? Overheard at my garden-club meeting: ¡°I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.¡± ? Provided by Reader's Digest ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? In Training ? I identify with football players because I know what it¡¯s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring. ? Received from Reader's Digest ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? One Wish ? An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, ¡°In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.¡± ? ¡°Give me infinite wisdom!¡± declares the dean, without hesitation. ? Done!¡± says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. ? All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. ¡°Well,¡± says a colleague, ¡°say something brilliant.¡± ? The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, ¡°I should have taken the money.¡± ? Reader's Digest Harsh Joke ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Our company's facsimile machine, an early model, is extremely slow. The employees grumbled quite a bit about it, until finally a clever worker made them smile. One morning, taped to the top of the antiquated machine, was a picture of a dinosaur with this caption: "Tyrannosaurus Fax." ? Submitted to Reader's Digest by Karen Oursel ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Clean Laffs ? "A man in Ireland was arrested with more than 500 pounds of marijuana. So I guess there is a little pot at the end of the rainbow."?-- Jimmy Fallon ? "Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing and he catches a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old fish. You know, I look at it this way if I want a 90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood platter at Red Lobster."?-- Dave Letterman ? "The Navy tested a high power laser beam to help fight pirates. There's nothing the pirates can do to defend themselves against this laser-unless they buy a mirror."?-- Jimmy Kimmel ? ----- ? As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. ? During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. ? "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." ? Both were excused. ? *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------* ? Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids." ? Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person." ? [A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.] ? Man: "What's wrong?" ? Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong." ? Received from Joe's Clean Laffs ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Kids on Marriage:??How Do you Decide Who to Marry? ? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.? Alan - age 10. ? What Is The Right Age To Get Married.? ? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then.? Camille - Age 10. ? What Do Most People Do on a Date? ? On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go with a second date.? Martin - Age 10. ? When Is It Okay to Kiss Somebody? ? When they are rich.? Pam - Age 7. ? The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't mess with that.? Curt - Age 7. ? Is It Better to Be Single or Married? ? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean upo for them.? Anne - Age 9 ? How would you make a marriage work? ? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck, hit her.? Ricky - age 10. ? ?From Maxine via Syman Says;symansays@... ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Tech Support Nightmares?¨C?Ejecting the Disc ? Before CDs & DVDs, there were diskettes, or floppy disks, which were pushed directly into a slot on the front of the computer and had a little button which would eject the disk manually. ? Customer: Hi, I can¡¯t get the diskette out of my computer. ? Tech support: Have you tried pushing the eject button? ? Customer: Yes, of course, but it¡¯s really stuck. ? Tech support: That doesn¡¯t sound good, I¡¯ll start a ticket and have someone come by. ? Customer: No¡ wait a minute¡ I hadn¡¯t inserted it yet¡ it¡¯s still on my desk¡ sorry¡. ? Received from mycleanhumor ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reasons for the grade. "You know the self-X-ray you took?" asked the professor. ? "I do." ? "A fine picture," he said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver." ? "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" ? "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it." ? ??????? From Gonzo ? Received from Teddi's Humor List;redactatrix@... ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Top Ten Reasons a Dog Is Better Than a Wife: ? 10. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. ? 9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. ? 8. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. ? 7. A dog's parents never visit. ? 6. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. ? 5. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. ? 4. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. ? 3. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" ? 2. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. ? ... and the Number One Reason a Dog Is Better Than a Wife: ? 1. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. ? ----- ? To test this theory, lock your wife and your dog in your trunk for an hour. Then open it. Which one is happy to see you? ? Received from Wayne via Daily-Humor ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Daily Thoughts ? The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.?-- George Mueller ? Today, the tyrant rules not by club or fist, but disguised as a market researcher, he shepherds his flocks in the ways of utility and comfort.?-- Marshall McLuhan ? When you blame others, you give up your power to change.?-- Dr. Robert Anthony ? ----- ? Incredible Date ? A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. ? Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. ? He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. ? "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ? "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. ? They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards, they go to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. ? After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. ? They had a wonderful, wonderful time. ? The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible. ? "You know," he said. "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet"? ? "No," she replies. ? "You just happened to catch my eye!" ? ----- ? You've Got Mail ? Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service representative for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. ? When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." ? The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope." ? Received from Steve's Just for Grins ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Punnies ? Cold weather mechanics have to jacket up. Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice. Gun control is the subject of a loud report. I entered a contest for the most prominent veins. I didn't win but I came varicose. I had an idea for a new diet. I would lose weight by visiting a different Italian restaurant each meal. I call it my leaning tour of pizza. (Bill Crider) If a parsley farm worker fails to pay his taxes, the IRS will garnish his wages. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. Middle age: A time when action creaks louder than words. ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? If Only You Had Looked ? Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. ? "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. ? "I froze to death," says the second. ? "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" ? "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" ? "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." ? The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. ? "What do you mean?" asks the first man. ? "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive." ? ----- ? Other Police Quotes ? "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." ? "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." ? "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" ? "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" ? "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." ? ----- ? Fallen ? There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. ? One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" ? Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". ? This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. ? About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. ? The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." ? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. ? Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." ? ----- ? New Office Vocabulary Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.? XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE The organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). ----- Rules for Good Housekeeping 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. Never make fried chicken in the nude. 4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. 6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.? 7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. ----- Penny good Assessment Nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will. When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done her husband asked, "Was the patient that bad?" Penny said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this." Received from ArcaMax Jokes ___________________________________________________ ? ? Elderly Joke ? There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. ? So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. ? Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. ? Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! ? Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." ? Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car." ? Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious." ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Permit ? A zoning board had just been set up in a new community.? A homeowner went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.? "Do you have a plan?" asked the director.? "Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed. ? "That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said, "Here's your permit." ? A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. ? "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary." ? "But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got her permit right away." ? "Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized." ? From Pastor Tim via Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ___________________________________________________ ? ? Daily Trivia Question:? ? ~~ ? What's on the Web? ------------------------ ?
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