Daily Clean Jokes for August 13
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Limericks
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With his measurements, man did proceed;
Had the instruments that he would need
????????????To
determine how fast
????????????Gulf
stream water went past.
Said that four miles per hour's?current?speed.
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There's a story that's told in this rhyme
'Bout a tennis pro who did a crime.
????????????He
stole rackets, was caught;
????????????A
long sentence he got.
Many years he will be?serving?time.?
Jim and Chris got it.
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
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Today¡¯s One-Liner:? How come there's enough asphalt for
speedbumps, but not enough to fill potholes?
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Quote of the Day
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My grandpa once said: "Your terrible job is the
dream of the unemployed. Your house is the dream of the homeless. Your smile is
the dream of the depressed. Your health is the dream of the ill. Don't let
difficult times make you forget your blessings."
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Marital Faithfulness
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A man approached a very beautiful woman
in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife
somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a
beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of
looking for her!"
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?Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating
or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or
perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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Brain Problem
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with
mankind.
The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the
left and the right.
The left half has nothing right in it
And the right half has nothing left in it!
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I wanted to buy goose feathers to make a pillow, but I
didn't have enough money for the down payment.?
When Liza Minelli emerged from the airport and saw the
row of taxis lined up, did she start singing, "Life is a cab array"??
Answer: Marion Barry
Question: What are the two most important tasks of a
preacher??
The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
"Senorita, it looks like you have had Juan too many."?
The twisted old piece of string couldn't really be
surprised at his fate, really, after all the puns he had perpetrated: "No,
I'm a frayed knot," "I'm a little tied-up at the moment,"
"Get knotted," "That wasn't a belly-flop, it was knot's
landing," and now, having been lynched by the other residents of the
sewing kit for his verbal miscreations, he couldn't help but chuckle as he
thought aloud, "I'm not a bad person, just a little high-strung."
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In dire need of a beauty makeover, I went to my salon
with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I
showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he
began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I
recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
>>>Today's Thot
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they
have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies.
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Older Father
We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after
our two boys were born. She is the joy of my husband's life, but he is
self-conscious about being an older father. He likes to jokingly tell people
that by the time she graduates from high school, he'll be in a nursing home.
One day she asked, "Mom, you know how Dad always says he'll be in a home
when I graduate?" I nodded, expecting some sad question about mortality.
She continued, "Can I have the car then?"
- from Pulpit Supply
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle via GCFL.
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Kid¡¯s Instructions for Life
Never trust a dog to watch your food.? Patrick, Age
10
When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents.? Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are
twitching.? Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.? Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the
morning.? Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.? Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the
shower.? Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars
when your parents are doing taxes.? Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.? Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.? Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look
stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.?
Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball
bat.? Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she's on the phone.? Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.? Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.? Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.? Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's
moving.? Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to
do what your mom told you to do.? Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's
hand.? Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain.? It has lots of
information.? Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes.? Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family
car.? Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.? Cynthia, Age 8
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Quotations
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Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about
learning to wait for the storm to pass.
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Your life isn't yours if you're always caring what others
think.
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People cray, not because their weak; it's because they've
been strong for too long.
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Be careful what you set your heart upon ¨C for it will
surely be yours. ¨C James Baldwin
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How Many Do You Remember??
Since you asked ¡?
* Head light dimmer switches on the floor.?Yes, and
I remember my brother¡¯s old Dodge (which had a rumble seat) where the ignition
switch was on the floor. You turned the key (on the dashboard) and engaged the
ignition with your foot
* Ignition switches on the dashboard.?Yes, see
above. I also remember vacuum-operated wipers (no washers), cars without air
conditioning and crank-operated side windows.
* Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.?We
had to know hand signals in order to pass Driver¡¯s Ed
* Candy cigarettes?Yes. They tasted like pieces of
sweetened chalk.
* Home milk delivery in glass bottles.?Yes. We even
had home milk delivery (but in plastic bottles) as late as the mid-70s.
* Party lines on the telephone.?We never had one,
but I was aware of it. The phone rang in a pattern (typically the morse code
for your initial) so you¡¯d know it¡¯s for you. My parents used to tell me about
the party line they had: when a relative called they¡¯d say ¡°parla italiano¡±
and conduct the rest of the conversation in Italian so the neighbors couldn¡¯t
listen in.
* Newsreels before the movie.?No. I think they kinda
faded out after WWII; I was too young.
* Howdy Doody.?Yes, definitely. The highlight of my
day ¡ until the Mickey Mouse Club came along. I also remember neighbors who
didn¡¯t have TV coming over to watch Mickey Mouse.
* 45 rpm records.?Not only do I remember them, I
still have some!
* Bread delivered by horse and cart.?No. I¡¯m old but
not?that?old.
He
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Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking
into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.
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"How is your new job at the factory?¡± one guy asked
another.
¡°I¡¯m not going back there.¡±
"Why not?¡±
¡°For many reasons,¡± he answered. ¡°The sloppiness, the shoddy workmanship, the
awful language ¨C they just couldn¡¯t put up with it."
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Thought Of The Day:? The Moment Where You Doubt
"The moment where you doubt you can fly, you cease
for ever being able to do it."
-- J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
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A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first
wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"
Then the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"
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A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of
peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I
suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
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Thought Of The Day:? Faster than the Speed of Light
¡°Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the
possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.¡±
- Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
Received from aJokeADay.com
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Graphing
A student at our high school a few years back, having had
his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his
teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but
graphing is where I draw the line!"
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Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on
the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing: "You
can have mine."
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.?-- Eleanor Roosevelt
