Daily Clean Jokes for August 9, 2024
?
Limericks:
There's a lawyer of well-known repute
Who's successful and rather astute.
????????????Got
one plaintiff on board
????????????And
could not be ignored,
Because others did soon?follow?suit.
?
?
There's a poker game host, Peter
Brown,
Whose refreshments are best in the
town.
????????????He
has plenty to eat
????????????During
games, can't be beat.
He has backup snacks when?chips?are?down.
?
Bill and Jim and
Chris and Guy got it.
?
?
I've a clock that is way past its prime
'Cause a part has worn out, doesn't chime.
????????????There
is really no doubt
????????????That
before part wore out,
Clock worked perfectly?from?time?to?time.
?
?
The car salesman's approach did convey
Much aggressiveness to his dismay,
????????????So
the folks wouldn't buy
????????????Any
cars from the guy.
His hard sell simply?drove?them?away.
?
Grover and Jim and
Chris and Bill got it.
?
Kirk
Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work
for the world as it should be.
?
?
Received from Kirk Miller Limericks
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Kirk¡¯s
Puns
?
Two
widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center. "Well,"
one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband." "Yeah,
that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. 'Some of us can't find a
husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
?
Lightning
sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
?
Guido
Marishino looked at his Thompson submachine gun with its gentle spiral of smoke
climbing from the once-flaming muzzle, then looked at the crumpled,
bullet-ridden body of the street performer with his blood-spattered make-up,
and realized with sadness that, no matter how much money they had paid him to
do it, a mime?was a terrible thing to waste.
?
She
told me the drink was non-alcoholic, but where was the proof?
?
Would a
massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a
"Dragnet"?
?
Kirk Miller
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THE ONE-LINERS
Toilet training a young child is always a matter of pot luck. (Evan Esar)
Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It's 'cause their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you talk to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!" . (Renee From Napa)
The bar mirror allowed him to watch his drinking (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The priest did not appreciate the smell coming from the commune. He was incensed. (Jason Dias)
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. (Stephen Wright)
Received from Stan Kegel.
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A Bull Funny
The farmer's favorite bull wasn't doing well at all. The vet came and looked the animal over thoroughly, then reached in his black bag and pulled out a large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull leaped into the air and took off like a bat out of hell, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Great. Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
>>>Today's Thot
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
Received from Mikey's Funnies.
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??
A Note
I had sat down with my family after finishing my
worship leading responsibilities at my church. My son, an eight-year-old, who
was just learning to sit in "big church" was whispering to mommy. A
few minutes later, he had written something on a piece of paper and wadded it
up to hand to me.
I unwadded the paper and read the words, "Hi dad! Bye."
I looked at him and quietly asked him: "What is this?"
"It's a text message, Dad. Mom wouldn't let me use her phone."
Received from Doug Lalli.
-----
Sunday School
Nine year old Joey was asked by his
mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God
sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge
and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to
radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge
and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your
teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the
teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Received from Pick.
Riddles and Puns and Jokes
for the 8- to 14-year-olds in your life
?
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.?
?
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.?
?
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.?
?
What illness do basketball players get???
Hooping Cough.?
?
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?
?
Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different
answer.?
?
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?
?
Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such
masterpieces?"
Student: "With a pencil, Ma'am, either a 2B or not
2B."?
?
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?
?
I was fired from my job selling amplifiers. I didn't achieve the
sufficient volume of sales.?
?
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?
?
An expectant friend with sons 4 and 2 asked the older one, Ben,
if he would like to have a new brother. After careful thought, Ben replied,
"No, let's just keep Brian."??
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?
?
Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.
?
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?
?
Doctor, Doctor
?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.??
?
Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing ringing in my ears.?
Nonsense, you're as sound as a bell.??
?
Doctor, doctor, I feel very flushed.?
You must have flu.?
No, I walked.??
?
Doctor, doctor, I've broken my leg. What shall I do??
Limp.?
?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Well pull yourself together then.
?
(I did say I'd give you puns.)
?
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?
?
When a mother returned
from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he
had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you
doing?" his mom asked.
?
"The box says you
can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm
looking for the seal."
?
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?
They hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years, but every
year they always sent him birthday greetings. One year, they remembered how he
had always admired a set of military hair brushes, so they sent them to him as
a gift. A few weeks later they received a snapshot of their completely bald
uncle with a note that read: " Thanks for the gift. I will never part with
it."
(Did you get it?? A bald man has no hair to part.)
?
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?
?
Do you
have any books on electricity?
????Watt
we have is not current, but might shed some light on the
subject.??Wire you asking?
?
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?
?
Ever
wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of
California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to
avoid car Sonoma.
?
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?
?
I
always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my
eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the
Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese
flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes?
?
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?
?
I find
myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My
psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder.
?
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?
?
The
dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It
was a case of acid dental death.
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|
Parental Dictionary:
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you
scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so
that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset
the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An
exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Received from Anna Welander
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?
Riddles and Puns and Jokes for the 8- to 14-year-olds in your
life
?
Why
did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.?
Where
do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.?
What
kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.?
What
illness do basketball players get???
Hooping Cough.?
?
Every
time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.?
Teacher:
"How do you think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?" Student:
"With a pencil, Ma'am, either a 2B or not 2B."?
I
was fired from my job selling amplifiers. I didn't achieve the sufficient
volume of sales.?
?
An
expectant friend with sons 4 and 2 asked the older one, Ben, if he would like
to have a new brother. After careful thought, Ben replied, "No, let's just
keep Brian."??
?
Schooner
or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.
?
?Doctor,
Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll
deal with you later.??
?
Doctor,
doctor, I keep hearing ringing in my ears.?
Nonsense,
you're as sound as a bell.??
?
Doctor,
doctor, I feel very flushed.?
You
must have flu.?
No,
I walked.??
?
Doctor,
doctor, I've broken my leg. What shall I do??
Limp.?
?
Doctor,
Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Well
pull yourself together then.
?
(I
did say I'd give you puns.)
?
When a mother returned from the grocery
store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for,
then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat
them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for
the seal."
?
They
hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years, but every year they always sent
him birthday greetings. One year, they remembered how he had always admired a
set of military hair brushes, so they sent them to him as a gift. A few weeks
later they received a snapshot of their completely bald uncle with a note that
read: " Thanks for the gift. I will never part with it."
(Did
you get it?? A bald man has no hair to part.)
Do you
have any books on electricity?
????Watt
we have is not current, but might shed some light on the
subject.??Wire you asking?
?
Ever
wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of
California? It is because their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to
avoid car Sonoma.
?
I
always have been a big fan of Japanese cartoon feature films, but recently my
eyes were opened. I attended a screening of a fantastic new French film, the
Triplets of Bellville, and was blown away. Now I've sworn off the Japanese
flicks entirely. With France like that, who needs animes?
?
I find
myself attracted to both male and female white bears.??My
psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder.
?
The
dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth.??It
was a case of acid dental death.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
DEAR ABBY: During my entire 40-year marriage, I have wondered if my husband is bisexual. He met his friend "Ernie" around the same time he met me. My husband has always had female friends as well as Ernie. When he came home late, I'd accuse him of having affairs with his female co-workers.
We have stayed together, although there have been a lot of arguments. Years ago, my brother-in-law went golfing with my husband and Ernie. My brother-in-law told me my problem wasn't another woman -- it was a man. When I asked why he thought that, he said my husband and Ernie were in their own little world. He said he wasn't jealous of their friendship, but it was just his opinion.
To cut to the chase, not long ago, my husband and three other friends went on a golf trip. There was a king-size bed in the master bedroom, a second bedroom with two queen-size beds, and a sofa sleeper. I asked my husband about the sleeping arrangements, and he said one slept on the couch, one in the room with two queen beds, and he and Ernie shared the king-size bed.
When I asked what the other guys thought about the two of them sleeping in the same bed he yelled, "I don't care what they thought!" I said, "And it appears you don't care what your wife thinks either."
My husband has always said, "There isn't another woman. You know I love you." He has always denied being bi. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. Please tell me what you think. -- FINALLY FED UP IN DELAWARE
DEAR FED UP: For two men to share a bed when there is another option is, in my opinion, questionable. Never having met your husband, I hesitate to state whether he is or isn't cheating on you with Ernie. Being bisexual does not make a person an adulterer. If he were to confirm your suspicion that he is bisexual, would it change your longtime marriage? THAT, my friend, is the $64,000 question.
DEAR ABBY: I'm sure I am not alone on this subject. Occasionally, when I'm in a restaurant, the mall, the grocery store, etc., I'll run into a former co-worker, former classmate, someone I met at a past gathering, etc., and in the moment, I cannot recall their name. This is especially embarrassing when my spouse or a friend is with me and I can't introduce the person.
Sometimes, when someone is with me and I see an acquaintance before they see me, I'll make a detour to avoid the embarrassment of blanking on their names. If I'm alone, I have no problem conversing with the individual even if I can't recall a name. My problem is those embarrassing introductions. Any suggestions? -- FORGETFUL IN HAWAII
DEAR FORGETFUL: I agree, it is embarrassing, and it happens to everyone. It happened to me occasionally when I was in my 20s and needed to introduce my date to someone. There IS a way to get around it, provided you are fast enough. If a "senior moment" isn't something you are willing to admit, then greet your old co-worker, friend, etc., and say something like, "Hi! How nice to see you!" Then turn to your spouse (or friend) and say, "We used to work together," and let them introduce themselves.
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