开云体育

Daily Clean Jokes for May 24, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks A democracy surely promotes Your vote counts; that is what it connotes. In a feudal state, you Cannot vote, so it's true In a feudal state 'tis count that votes. Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. -- Unknown ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day from Phyllis Ingram: A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ UNKNOWN SOLDIER By Deirdre Reilly Although it is summertime now, one way to keep Christmas in your heart all year long is to remember the lessons of Christmas throughout the year. This brings me to recall something very special that happened to two men and three children, and bears repeating. Very early in the morning last December, my husband and my eight year old son happened across a United States Army soldier on an exit ramp near the town where we live. It was a very cold Sunday morning, when frost lay on the ground and tree limbs were stark and twisted against a thick gray sky. Not too many other cars were out, and those who were out were hurrying to get somewhere, exhaust coming from each car in warm-looking puffs as they glided down the highway, frost still on the windshields. My husband and son were coming home from my son's 6 AM hockey game, and looking forward to getting breakfast out together and then returning home, where the rest of us lay dreaming. As my husband approached the end of the ramp the soldier got out of his car, a grey Maxima that had broken down. The soldier was in full dress uniform, and was cold, and very young; early twenties, my husband guessed. My husband pulled over to see what he could do to help. The soldier needed a cell phone, he said – he was going to call his girlfriend to see if she could come and get him and his two daughters – his daughters were bundled into the cold car – and bring them back home to Derry, NH, where they lived. My husband looked into the car and saw the soldier's four year old, dressed in her best party dress, and a baby, zipped up to her chin into her thick snuggly. The three of them had been on their way to a Christmas party at the Boston barracks when the car had chosen that time to die. At this point, the soldier was just trying to get home; the party had been given up on. The little girl grinned at my husband from the back seat, and I know he must have grinned back at her, too. My husband moved the little girls into our car, where the four year old proceeded to become very interested in my eight year old – "she was patting me," he reported in a resigned way to me later, upon the re-telling of their memorable morning – and the men talked about the young soldier's options. My husband told me that this young man was, to him, a soldier first – someone who already, with his young life, done much for us just by his service – but he was also a young man who still didn't have all the answers. We have a son of our own who is just a few years younger than this soldier who was sitting beside him. The soldier didn't have Triple A, and he had no one to call for help. As the baby stared, round-eyed, at them all, my husband offered his Triple A for a tow, and then offered to take the soldier and the children into Boston for the party. The soldier had decided to just try to get back home, and so they called for

Daily Clean Jokes for May 23, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks By a teacher, the students were cowed. Do not whisper in class. She had vowed If you do, I'll punish, And the reason's pun-ish: Simply just because it's not aloud. Conrad and Jim and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: * "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." -- Woody Allen ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: * Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. * Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Moose Funny Two goober moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off." "That's baloney," says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn't afraid to take off!" "Yeah," said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!" The pilot got angry, and said, "If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?" One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year." >>>Today's Thot Think about this: Every time you clean something, you make something else dirty. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Couple of Punnies To get her way, a spoiled brat usually succeeded by going into a sobbing fit. When this didn't work, she burst into a fit of rage. To shut her up, her parents often gave in to one of these tantrums and let her have what she wanted. You see, she had remembered her parents telling her that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." In her case, she cleverly switched gears from out of the crying plan and into the ire . (Tyler Kaus) When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered... so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and he removed his hand. The father said, "This is important... put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kippah?" (Kippah: Yarmulke or skullcap) Received from Stan Kegel via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Short jokes Why did the salamander go to Hollywood? To make newt movies! Did you hear the one about the New York Jets cocktail? Two of them, and you f

Daily Clean Jokes for May 22, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If you catch a chinchilla in Chile And cut off its beard, willy-nilly You can honestly say You made on that day A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly ----- There once was an artist named Saint Who swallowed a pallete of paint All shades of the spectrum Flowed out of his rectum With a colourful lack of restraint. Reddit Jokes ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Received from Kirk ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Dental Funny After cleaning his patient's teeth, the dentist accompanied the five year old boy to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door. "It's heavy, isn't it?" asked the dentist. "Yes," he said. "Is that so children can't escape?" >>>Today's Thot It's bad luck to be superstitious. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Grammar Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered. "I'd like to talk to your mother or father," said the teacher. "Sorry, but they ain't here," he told her. "Jimmy!" she said. "What is it with your grammar?" "Beats me," Jimmy replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!" Received from Joke du Jour via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Funny Animal Jokes Where does an armadillo look for a new shell? Arma-Zillow. What do you call a long-nosed mammal who loves to garden? A yardvark. Why didn’t the dog see a psychiatrist? He isn’t allowed on the couch. What happened when the shark tried online dating? He was catfished. What did the leopard say after finding two quarters and a dime on the ground? “And they say a leopard can’t spot his change.” Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!" ----- A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. Librarian: "They're right behind you!!". ----- What happened to the man running in front of the car? --He was tired What happened to the man running behind the car? --He was exhausted ----- -Have you heard of Murphy's Law -Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong -What's about Cole's law? -No -It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ UK Trip Results After a vacation in London, a couple had a little chat... Husband: How should I get rid of the British Pounds I brought back? Wife: Take them to a bank and covert them to dollars. Husband: I'm not sure they'll do that. I think I just need to eat less and walk more. ----- Awkward Visit My wife ran away with my best friend

Daily Clean Jokes for May 21, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Missing podium, folks think is bound To turn up soon. It must be around In the building somewhere. It was located there In a room aptly named lost stand found. Carol and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Sad: Invitations To Unabomber's Funeral Mailed Out, But No One Wants To Open Them U.S.· BabylonBee.com ----- Mitch Hedberg 2 minutes of Mitch Hedberg one-liners https://tinyurl.com/qyzmitch ----- ----- Canada versus USA _ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O2Dy4fx8sM _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day: “A joke is a very serious thing.” – Winston Churchill "Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year." -- Victor Borge ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Pig Funny A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said, 'Well, what do ya know?! A talking pig!" >>>Today's Thot If cats could text you back, they would not. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Golf Quotes Isn't golf a wonderful game? I still get upset over a bad shot. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I think what a beautiful day it is. Then I take a deep breath. That's what gives me the strength to break the club. - Bob Hope "I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods." - Jeff Foxworthy (Comedian) "The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie." - Mickey Mantle (Professional Baseball Player) via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quora's Funniest Jokes You've Been Told With the fires burning down the city of Los Angeles, some of the embers started to catch the feces on fire in the zoo’s monkey enclosure. The monkeys started to throw the flaming feces at the zookeepers. Some of the employees had to be taken to the hospital for turd degree burns. (Based on a joke from Colin Mockrie - Who's Line Is It Anyways?) ----- A small new immigrant man trying to find work responds to an ad for selling toothbrushes. The company says they will give him a chance, give him everything he needs and he sets out for the day. He comes back and they ask “How many toothbrushes did you sell?”. “Two.”. “Only two? We don't think you are cut out for this job.”. “No, no, give me another chance, I'll do better!”. “Ok, one more chance.”. The man goes out the next day, and comes back. They ask “How many did you sell today?”. “182.”. “182??? How did you sell that

Daily Clean Jokes for May 20, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If you play in the ocean, beware Of effects when you frolic out there. When you plunge in the sea, You will readily see The result: you'll get waves in your hair. Conrad got it. Saw a tabby I thought I would pat On the head. It got spooked and did scat. A psychiatrist friend Said such felines do tend To be labeled a term: Freudy cat. Conrad, Jim got it. ----- Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Soccer Practice For the second week in a row, my son and I were the only ones who showed up for his soccer team’s practice. Frustrated, I told him, “Please tell your coach that we keep coming for practice, but no one is ever here.” My son rolled his eyes and said, “He’ll just tell me the same thing he did before.” “Which was?” “That practice is now on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays.” —Annette Olsen, Layton, Utah Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Why do buzzards like to fly American Airlines? Free carrion. ----- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Yoda Lady Yoda Lady, who? I didn’t know you could yodel! Received from Reddit Clean. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ BUMPER STICKERS TO WATCH FOR THIS WEEKEND ? My Other car is junkier than this one ? Caution, this car breaks for stuff that falls off the car in front of it. ? Work is a Four-Letter Word. ? My Boss thinks I am home Sick. ? Don't follow Me, I'm going to work. ? If you lived in your Car you would be home by now ? Don't Tailgate Car Bomb On Board, Thanks Abdul! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ GRANNY Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "How much does it cost for material for a new dress?" The male clerk said with a smirk, "Only one kiss per yard." Young girl said, "That will be fine, I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation all over his face the clerk measured the cloth and wrapped it up and then teasingly held it out to the young girl. The girl grabbed the package and pointed to an old man standing beside her and said, "My Grandpa will pay the bill." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SIGNS THAT DELTA MAY BE GOING BANKRUPT ? The airline has given away far to many peanuts ? Complimentary Cocktails for Pilots ? They didn't save enough by cutting back on maintenance ? Should have charged double for fat people ? Their baggage handlers just didn't do a spiffy job ? Gave away too many Free cokes ? Selling seats in the over-head was not a good idea. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ THE MAILMAN A man was mowing his grass when his pretty blond neighbor came out of the house, looked into the mailbox, slammed the little door shut and ran back into the house.

Daily Clean Jokes for May 19, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Saw a tabby I thought I would pat On the head. It got spooked and did scat. A psychiatrist friend Said such felines do tend To be labeled a term: Freudy cat. Conrad, Jim got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: ? What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. ? What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg? Irene. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Gene Perret An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home. Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. I went to school with a kid who was so smart, the only time he got an answer wrong, they had to go back and change the question. I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball. I always give my grandkids a couple of quarters when they go home. It's a bargain. - From AZquotes.com Received from Wayne Onaka.via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Computer Support Woes Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: *Note the word 'former' in the above statement!! "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.", "Went away?".... "They disappeared?" "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ......"Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ......"Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ......"Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it

Daily Clean Jokes for May 18, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There's a doctor who's sporting a grin. Anorexics he treats with chagrin. He admits to his wife Job is giving him strife. Said, "My patients is wearing quite thin." Conrad, Jim, Dick got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Velcro - what a rip off! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ SCHOOL FUNNIES Father: How were the exam questions? Son: Easy. Father: Then why look so unhappy? Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed? At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school? An old man! What did you learn in school today? Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder? A: To reach the high notes. Q: What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? A: The food! Teacher: "Why are you late on the first day of school?" Student: "I saw a sign that said, 'School Ahead: Go Slow.'" Knock, knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Forget it. It's pointless. Why is 2 + 2 = 5 like your left foot? It's not right. >>>Today's Thot Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tycoon Banter A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas." The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it". Received from GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What did the pepperoni say to the pizza? Sliced to meet you. ----- My cat won't go to the bathroom unless she has new books to read. She needs fresh kitty literature. ----- A Dog Story Shortly after our 10 year old Cocker Spanial died, I brought a 2 year old Golden Retriever rescue pup home. Both my wife and I had grown up with large dogs so we thought a larger dog might stand a better chance with our growing family of 3 boys, (soon to be 4 boys). When our 2 older sons and I arrived home with the 140 pound pup, my wife met us with an OMG look of surprise. She was expecting a lot smaller dog. I tried to calm her by telling her that the lady who was rehoming him said that he liked children. She replied to my comment with "By the size of him, he must like to have 2 chikdren a day!" He was the best dog ever. He really did like kids! ----- My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had

Daily Clean Jokes for May 17, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick My dear wife has been working a stint. She created a candy firm. Dint Her hard work for a while. She's now wearing a smile. It's because she is making a mint. Lee, Carol, Conrad, Jim, Dick, Bill, Grover, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes of the Day are the immortal words of W. C. Fields, who said, “Whilst travelling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.”“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.” ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: * Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day from Phyllis Ingram: England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Go Funny A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." >>>Today's Thot My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down. Told her it's because I can't stand doing it. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Founding Fathers The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day. Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it? Father2: Shall I open the window? Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves. Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution? Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work? Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?" Received from Clean Hewmor via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A chicken walked into a library, went to the front desk, and told the librarian, “book.” The librarian was confused. “You want a book?” she asked. The chicken replied, “book.” So the librarian sets a random book on the chicken's back, and left. A few days later, the chicken reenters the library, looks up at the librarian and says, “book book.” The librarian, still confused, puts two books on the chicken's back, and leaves again. A few more days pass, and the chicken appears again. “Book book book.” The librarian puts three books on the chicken's back and the chicken leaves. Out of curiosity, the librarian follows the chicken this time. The chicken leads the librarian through town, a few fields, a forest, and eventually stops at the edge of the swamp. The chicken lays down the books in front of a frog, who replies, “reddit reddit reddit.” Submitted to me by who knows who and who knows when, but thanks whoever you are. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mom's Laundry Rules 1. Pajamas - Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad enough to warrant being thrown in the dirty cl

Daily Clean Jokes for May 16, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Limerick poems, a form of humorous poetry that’s been making us laugh for hundreds of years. Although there are many funny limericks, the exact origins of the form have been lost to time, although they may date back to medieval Ireland and possibly got their name from the Irish city or county of Limerick. However, limerick poems as we know them today first appeared in the 18th century. They were popularized in England by the writer Edward Lear in his first Book of Nonsense, published in 1846. In total, Lear wrote and published 212 limericks, and he is still one of the best-known writers of limericks, even now. Many of his nonsense poems make great limericks for kids, but adults enjoy them too. But, if you’re curious about limerick poems — maybe even considering how to write your own, we’re sharing some of our favorite limerick examples to help you find out how. Lovers of short poems can appreciate limericks for their imaginativeness and silliness. And this limerick poem by Lear doesn’t hesitate to make us giggle. There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, “It is just as I feared!— Two Owls and a Hen, Four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!” There was a Young Lady whose chin, Resembled the point of a pin: So she had it made sharp, And purchased a harp, And played several tunes with her chin. There was an old man of Thermopyl?, Personally, I feel blessed to have Kirk Miller faithfully sending us his Limericks. And recently he's encouraged readers to write endings to some of his newest limericks. Thank you, Kirk. We've learned so much from your you. I, for one, have appreciated so much the limericks you send so faithfully. The the readers who write some of the endings sure enjoy participating in your work. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time. What did the prescriptivist owl say? Whom whom. ----- A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.” The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR DAD SAY 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my bi

Daily Clean Jokes for May 14, 2025 Today's Clean Limerick There was a young rustic named Mallory, who drew but a very small salary. When he went to the show, his purse made him go to a seat in the uppermost gallery. ----- Reported by Stephen Goranson on the ADS-list and in comments at the Oxford Etymologist blog ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes for the Day: So many books, so little time. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. -- Frank Zappa “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”― Albert Einstein “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” ― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liners: What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: * Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A MARINE FUNNY A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Marine joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?'' The sailor says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sign of the Times - Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed." - On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber." - Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak." - At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." - Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" - Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." - At a Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge: close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" - At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." - Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." - On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." - In a Nonsmoking Area": If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." - On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." - At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what you’re looking for, you've come to the right place." - On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." - In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." - On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs." - On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." - At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." - Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary; we hear you coming." - Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." - On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left." - In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay

Daily Clean Jokes for May 13, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Star Wars sound track is monumental. It has passages strong and gentle. Like the music he wrote, I would just like to note That John Williams was instrumental. Dick, Conrad, Bill, Jim, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: * The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Symphony Funny The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?" >>>Today's Thot I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...so she hugged me. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Bob Hope's wit No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties. When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything. I can still chase women, only downhill. It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets. I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it? Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation. Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink. The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. From AZquotes.com, Wayne Onaka via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What do you call a cat sleeping in your shoe? Puss in Boots What happens to a cat who misbehaves at work? They have to report to Purr-sonnel. What did the gym coach say to the cat? Have you paid your annual fleas? Why do cats purr? A: To let you know they’re feline groovy. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ -Have you heard of Murphy's Law -Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong -What's about Cole's law? -No -It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream ----- The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!" -----

Daily Clean Jokes for May 12, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks Banks have done something that I've regretted: Gave me way too much credit and netted A nice profit from me. It is easy to see That to them I am deeply indebted. Jim, Conrad, Bill, Dick, Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon? I heard the food was good, but it had no atmosphere. ----- Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves at the same time he does. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Can February March? No, but April May. ----- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ An Unlikely Vacation A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" ~~ Don't wail on the scale if you cheat when you eat. Received from Joke-of-the-Day.com ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Middle Wife I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. "First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for like an hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My dad called the middle wife. She

Daily Clean Jokes for May 11, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks The photographer got a bad rap. She lacks focus, boss said. That is crap. People didn't agree With her manager. He Shutter out of a job in a snap. Conrad, Bill, and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Southern Commercials - Amazon Echo for Southerners - The Happy Horn - Grannycast 2000 - Chickaderm - Dad Comedy Jam - Bubblixa - What's For Dinner - Fuel - Grandma https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKGTeZFQnRs Received from Kirk Miller. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1 ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day? A sports car is speeding down the empty highway, the patrol car chases after it. The driver in the sports car decides to use his superior speed to escape since there is no way a cheap police car can catch up to him in his 200.000 Lamborghini. But after a half an hour chase, the police car was still hot on his heels. Deciding not to risk his life any further, he pulls over. The policeman also walks to his window. - I’m sorry officer, just excited to get this new car. Won’t happen again. - I understand. I like speed too. Now this is my last shift so i want to go home and rest, not paperwork so if you can give me a good joke, you can go free. The man thinks a bit and says: - My wife ran off with a policeman some time ago before I got this car, when I saw you at my back, I thought he wanted to give her back. The policeman laughs and sends him on his way. Received from Quora. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My Hearing After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing." The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better. Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday." ----- Signs of Too Much 21st Century 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. 4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. 5. You chat online regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year. 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address. 7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person. 9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. ----- Thought Of The Day: Time You Enjoy Wasting “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” ― Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married Received from aJokeADay.com. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Work Equation Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Ov

Daily Clean Jokes for May 10, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks In the morning, the lawns will be blessed With some moisture. I'd like to suggest That the reason for this, Mother Nature's sweet kiss: She will always strive to dew her best. Conrad and Chris got it. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Why can't blind people eat fish? Because it's sea food. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Best Norm Peterson Quotes from Cheers Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers": "What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins." "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." "What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer." "What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here." "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey. ? Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away. ? What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ' Where do pirate mothers deliver their babies? In the C-Section. ----- Why did the albino pig have bad breath? He has no Pig mints. ----- My dentist told me that I couldn't have any more sugar. I told her that's an awful way to break up with someone. ----- What's the end of the world look like? d Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Trust me, I'm Sleeping My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia. That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open. ----- The Patient Waiter A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 9, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If a company's able to gain The technology that will attain Instant thundershowers, Firm should have its powers Be controlled. The result: rein rain reign. Every morning when I'm walking through The wet grass of a park, I will rue All the poop on the ground That is oftentimes found. Stroll is risky due to dew doo-doo. "There's a mountaintop that I will seek On a trek I will go on next week," Said a hiker to me. It was plain he could see The temptation of my peak peek pique. Kirk Miller Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ----- Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. -- Henny Youngman ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Pun of the Day: Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF... ~ An overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation. ~ You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. ~ You sometimes rinse off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife lets you in the house. ~ You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket. ~ You have used baling wire to attach a license plate. ~ You remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, and yields for 10 years back, but not your kid's birthdays. ~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor's crops. ~ You borrow gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway. ~ You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. ~ You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs. ~ When you drive your truck, everybody waves at you. >>>Today's Thot I put my weight scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Two Swedes Fishing Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months." Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find." Received from Humor_G via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. ? What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey. ? Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What's 5 Q + 5 Q? 10 Q. You're welcome. ----- I just got back from a hacker's funeral ... He was encrypted in a cemetery. ----- Who's that good-looking worker who checks everything that comes into the anthill? It's pretty import ant. ----- Why didn't I have fun at your haunted house? Well, nothing jumps out at me. ----- Why shouldn't nuns chew their fingernails? It's a bad habit. Received from Reddit Clean. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 8, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks If you catch a chinchilla in Chile And cut off its beard, willy-nilly You can honestly say You made on that day A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly Edit: u/OCJeriko fixed it ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~ Mark Twain ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: When the man hit his head on the doorway and sued, his lawyer advised to him to settle for a lump sum. The new parents tried everything but couldn’t get their crying infant to sleep like a baby. Two protons were sitting in the corner. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, that neutron got a free beer!" The other replies, "Are you positive?" Puns are not only for children, but for groan-ups too The Pope claimed it was indeed the remains of that symbol of Christianity on which the Lord had died so that the sins of mankind could be forgiven them, but the attorney for the state doubted it would stand up to his cross-examination. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you’re American when you go in the bathroom … … and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European. What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny. What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back for seconds. My roommate is convinced that my house is haunted. ... but I have lived here almost 300 years and haven't seen anything strange. When students duel at Hogwarts ... It should be called a Spelling Bee. The chefs in my local restaurant have been arguing about the correct temperature to heat the soup ... Tensions have finally reached a boiling point. Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Rubik’s Cube Life Life is like a Rubik's cube... Easy to mess up, hard to solve. ----- The Jealous Dog A man comes home from work, expecting his dog to welcome him with nothing but excitement. Dog: "I saw you out there." Me: "What?" Dog: "I saw you pet the neighbor's dog." Me: "I was just..." Dog: (crying) "Did you rub his belly? DID YOU ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?!" ----- Thought Of The Day: Not By Chance, But By Choice "Happiness is not by chance but by choice." - Jim Rohn Received from aJokeADay.com. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ You Know You're Too Intense When ... ~ You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up. ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before. ~ The sun is SO loud. ~ Trees begin chasing you. ~ You can see individual air molecules vibrating. ~ You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. ~ You can hear mimes. ~ You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. ~ Things become "very clear." ~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing t

Daily Clean Jokes and Comics for May 7, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks A large Buddhist group is repeating The same words, while on drums they're beating. That is where a pair met, Fell in love. You can bet Their encounter was called a chants meeting._,_._,_ Kirk Miller ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: ? Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: A lot of women say their husband never listens to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Doctor Funny Patient: "Doctor, doctor! My wife has lost her voice! How can I help her get it back?" Doctor: "Try coming home at 3 in the morning." ------ Nurse: Doctor! Doctor! There's an invisible man in the waiting room! Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now. ------ Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Can I have second opinion? Doctor: Of course, come back tomorrow! Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Stuck in the Snow During a storm, my wife's car became stuck in a snow bank. Our obstetrician saw her spinning her wheels, trying to get out. When he offered to help, my wife could not resist telling him, "Okay, Doctor, now when I count to three, PUSH!" Received from Pulpit Supply. ----- First Child My wife and I - both graduate students - recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks." Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head. ? What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny. ? What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot. Submitted to Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Who's that good looking worker who checks everything that comes into the anthill? It's pretty import ant. ----- I was sitting on the sofa watching some youtube on the telly last night, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains in your chest like someone with a voodoo doll is stabbing it?" I replied, "No." Then she asked, "How about now?" Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Born In 1935 A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born. She told him she was born in 1935. "Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money!" ----- How Many? An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?" The accountant looks at the sheep for

Daily Clean Jokes for May 5, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There once was a man from Nantucket, Who kept all his cash in a bucket. But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket. -- As seen in Reader's Digest ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: 1. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing. 2. What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback. 3. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. 4. I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body. 5. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ YESTERDAY (Sung to the tune of the Beatles' song "Yesterday") Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. -- Author Unknown Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Mom and Daughter Walk https://www.facebook.com/reel/4879568625602448 Received from Reels. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ On the Lighter Side When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said: "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said: " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said: "We should be the Boss because we do all the work earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! The moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I've decided to start a new chapter in my life. Otherwise, this autobiography will never get finished. ---- There's a new sport where you jump out of an airplane with out a parachute ... ... It's called sky-dying. Received from Reddit Clean. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Car Doors Recess Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day. His teac

Daily Clean Jokes for May 4, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks There once was a fellow named Lou, Whose stories were often askew. He'd make up a tale, Then completely fail, And claim he was right, it's true! ----- Limerick Foundation ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Management Lesson Lesson No. 2 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. But soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. The moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Puns of the Day: When the man hit his head on the doorway and sued, his lawyer advised to him to settle for a lump sum. The new parents tried everything but couldn’t get their crying infant to sleep like a baby. Two protons were sitting in the corner. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, that neutron got a free beer!" The other replies, "Are you positive?" Puns are not only for children, but for groan-ups too The Pope claimed it was indeed the remains of that symbol of Christianity on which the Lord had died so that the sins of mankind could be forgiven them, but the attorney for the state doubted it would stand up to his cross-examination. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A G'pa Funny The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?" "No champ, I never did." "That's a good thing." "You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!" >>>Today's Thot I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. ----- A Patio Funny (Rerun in case you missed it) My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?" >>>Today's Thot When God made me, He grinned and said, "This'll be fun." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Golfing Realities Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00

Daily Clean Jokes for May 3, 2025 Today's Clean Limericks I asked sketch artist when she'd begin On my portrait. She said with a grin: An appointment you should Make with me so I could Check my schedule and pencil you in. Lee, Carol, Conrad, Jim, Bill, Chris, Dick, Grover got it. Kirk Miller https://tinyurl.com/songgivealittlelove Don't settle for the world as it is. Work for the world as it should be. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote of the Day: "Most of us are three bad months away from being homeless. None of us are three good months away from being billionaires." - Unknown ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today's One-Liner: Sparkling water tastes like when your leg falls asleep. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Little Astronomy Humor "Why didn't the Sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!" This pun is a fun way to incorporate a little science into your humor. It also encourages curiosity and learning, reminding us that education isn't just about formal schooling. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Debt Funny While sitting at a counter having doughnuts and coffee at a 'quick stop' service station, two brothers were startled to see a man step up to the cashier, holding a gun and demanding all his money. Not being satisfied with that, he made all the customers line up and proceeded to take all their valuables: watches, billfolds, etc. As he made his way from person to person in the line, the two brothers stood waiting at the end of the line. One brother carefully reached into his pocket, pulling out some cash and slipping it into his brother's hand. "What's that?" his brother whispered. "That's the $20 I owe you." he replied. >>>Today's Thot I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant. ----- A Patio Funny "For Those Who Missed This One Yesterday What with my Computer Problems" My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?" >>>Today's Thot When God made me, He grinned and said, "This'll be fun." Received from Mikey’s Funnies. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chemistry Defined Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle. Received from GCFL. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Foul Suspicion After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock. ----- Survey Results I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed. ----- Ancient Bookplate Steale not this boke for fear of shame For here you see ye owner hys name And when you die ye Lord will saye Where is that boke you stole away? Then if you say, you cannot telle, Ye Lord will saye, t