Daily Clean Jokes for May 24, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for May 24, 2025? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? A democracy surely promotes Your vote counts; that is what it connotes. ????????????In a feudal state, you ????????????Cannot vote, so it's true In a feudal state 'tis?count?that?votes.? ? ? ? Kirk Miller? ? ? ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Quote of the Day:? ? The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit?it out.? -- Unknown ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Today's One-Liner:? ? ? What did one DNA say to the other DNA? ¡°Do these genes make me look fat?¡± ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Puns of the Day from Phyllis Ingram:? ? ?A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? UNKNOWN SOLDIER ? Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ?A Dangerous New Virus A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life. Received from Judi via?via GCFL. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________? ?
Submitted to Reader's Digest? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ?What Do You Call a Bear with Diarrhea??? ?Panda Express ----- A little boy asked a cobbler, what do you make shoes from? The cobbler answered, ¡°Hide.¡± The little boy said, ¡°Do you want to play hide and seek?¡± The cobbler said, ¡°No, hide, the cow¡¯s outside.¡± The little boy, ¡°Well, let the farmer come get her.¡± ----- Two friends are driving down the road one of them says ¡.
----- Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR asks?a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"?The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."?The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"?The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"?The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."Received from Reddit Clean. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the lottery." ----- A man flies into a new city on business. When he got to the hotel he realized he came down with laryngitis. He decided to call a doctor before he completely lost his voice. ----- Thought Of The Day:??The Problem With Haters "The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story." aJokeADay.com. ? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chinese MealA couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.? "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
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DEAR ABBY: My dear friend, "Sandra," is married with two children. She and her husband have a 4-year-old son together and another son from her husband's first marriage who is 14. The 14-year-old's life is tough, much like Cinderella's. Sandra treats him very badly. She has him doing all of the housework in their home, belittles him constantly and is very vocal about how much she dislikes him. Her 4-year-old can do no wrong.
The older boy's mother has weekends with her son, but Sandra is open about not liking her either. I feel bad about how the boy is treated and want to talk to Sandra about it, but I don't know how to bring up the sensitive subject and maintain my relationship with the family. Her husband is completely on Sandra's side, so he does nothing to help the boy have a better life. Can you offer any advice? -- FEELING FOR HIM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR FEELING: Somebody has to intervene for that boy. Why does his uncaring father have custody? Could he stay with his mother full time? Are there any other relatives who could take him in? And why would you want a relationship with a heartless couple who are so emotionally abusive?
Because you apparently are the only person who cares at all about that boy, do a little research about possible alternative situations for him. However, if there are none, contact child protective services as a last resort. You won't save your friendship with Sandra, but you may save that child.
DEAR ABBY: My dear friend, "Sandra," is married with two children. She and her husband have a 4-year-old son together and another son from her husband's first marriage who is 14. The 14-year-old's life is tough, much like Cinderella's. Sandra treats him very badly. She has him doing all of the housework in their home, belittles him constantly and is very vocal about how much she dislikes him. Her 4-year-old can do no wrong. The older boy's mother has weekends with her son, but Sandra is open about not liking her either. I feel bad about how the boy is treated and want to talk to Sandra about it, but I don't know how to bring up the sensitive subject and maintain my relationship with the family. Her husband is completely on Sandra's side, so he does nothing to help the boy have a better life. Can you offer any advice? -- FEELING FOR HIM IN WASHINGTON DEAR FEELING: Somebody has to intervene for that boy. Why does his uncaring father have custody? Could he stay with his mother full time? Are there any other relatives who could take him in? And why would you want a relationship with a heartless couple who are so emotionally abusive? Because you apparently are the only person who cares at all about that boy, do a little research about possible alternative situations for him. However, if there are none, contact child protective services as a last resort. You won't save your friendship with Sandra, but you may save that child. |
DEAR ABBY: My husband asked me to go into his email inbox and settle an issue with an airline. An email popped up: "Your memories from eight years ago" from a popular photo website. We have been together eight years, and I thought I would see photos of us. They weren't. It was photos of him with his ex-fiancee, including his elaborate proposal. The proposal was something out of a dream. (He proposed to me on our family room couch.) I also realized her ring is exactly like mine.
I'm so hurt. He has never been that romantic with me or put much thought into my gifts. Actually, one year he gave me bed sheets for Christmas, which I never requested. Meanwhile, I'm the one who puts effort into his family's cards and gifts and helps them with celebrations.
My birthday was this month -- I'm eight months pregnant and I had to pick out and buy my own birthday gift because he said he didn't know what to get me. When I let him know how hurt I feel about everything, he just said, "Let me just go back in time," and walked away. I feel hurt, stuck and unloved. Am I overreacting? -- CRUSHED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CRUSHED: I understand your disappointment, but my advice is to revisit this subject after your child is born and you have had more time to think about it. I don't know what happened with your husband's prior relationship, but if it had been terrific, it would have lasted. Not all men are good at planning proposals or choosing cards and gifts, but often they make up for it in other ways. Bide your time.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband asked me to go into his email inbox and settle an issue with an airline. An email popped up: "Your memories from eight years ago" from a popular photo website. We have been together eight years, and I thought I would see photos of us. They weren't. It was photos of him with his ex-fiancee, including his elaborate proposal. The proposal was something out of a dream. (He proposed to me on our family room couch.) I also realized her ring is exactly like mine. I'm so hurt. He has never been that romantic with me or put much thought into my gifts. Actually, one year he gave me bed sheets for Christmas, which I never requested. Meanwhile, I'm the one who puts effort into his family's cards and gifts and helps them with celebrations. My birthday was this month -- I'm eight months pregnant and I had to pick out and buy my own birthday gift because he said he didn't know what to get me. When I let him know how hurt I feel about everything, he just said, "Let me just go back in time," and walked away. I feel hurt, stuck and unloved. Am I overreacting? -- CRUSHED IN NEW JERSEY DEAR CRUSHED: I understand your disappointment, but my advice is to revisit this subject after your child is born and you have had more time to think about it. I don't know what happened with your husband's prior relationship, but if it had been terrific, it would have lasted. Not all men are good at planning proposals or choosing cards and gifts, but often they make up for it in other ways. Bide your time. |
By Deirdre Reilly
Although it is summertime now, one way to keep Christmas in your heart all year long is to remember the lessons of Christmas throughout the year.
This brings me to recall something very special that happened to two men and three children, and bears repeating.
Very early in the morning last December, my husband and my eight year old son happened across a United States Army soldier on an exit ramp near the town where we live. It was a very cold Sunday morning, when frost lay on the ground and tree limbs were stark and twisted against a thick gray sky.
Not too many other cars were out, and those who were out were hurrying to get somewhere, exhaust coming from each car in warm-looking puffs as they glided down the highway, frost still on the windshields. My husband and son were coming home from my son's 6 AM hockey game, and looking forward to getting breakfast out together and then returning home, where the rest of us lay dreaming.
As my husband approached the end of the ramp the soldier got out of his car, a grey Maxima that had broken down. The soldier was in full dress uniform, and was cold, and very young; early twenties, my husband guessed.
My husband pulled over to see what he could do to help. The soldier needed a cell phone, he said ¨C he was going to call his girlfriend to see if she could come and get him and his two daughters ¨C his daughters were bundled into the cold car ¨C and bring them back home to Derry, NH, where they lived.
My husband looked into the car and saw the soldier's four year old, dressed in her best party dress, and a baby, zipped up to her chin into her thick snuggly. The three of them had been on their way to a Christmas party at the Boston barracks when the car had chosen that time to die. At this point, the soldier was just trying to get home; the party had been given up on. The little girl grinned at my husband from the back seat, and I know he must have grinned back at her, too.
My husband moved the little girls into our car, where the four year old proceeded to become very interested in my eight year old ¨C "she was patting me," he reported in a resigned way to me later, upon the re-telling of their memorable morning ¨C and the men talked about the young soldier's options. My husband told me that this young man was, to him, a soldier first ¨C someone who already, with his young life, done much for us just by his service ¨C but he was also a young man who still didn't have all the answers. We have a son of our own who is just a few years younger than this soldier who was sitting beside him. The soldier didn't have Triple A, and he had no one to call for help. As the baby stared, round-eyed, at them all, my husband offered his Triple A for a tow, and then offered to take the soldier and the children into Boston for the party. The soldier had decided to just try to get back home, and so they called for the tow and my husband offered to drive the three of t? hem ba
?ck to New Hampshire.
They chatted as they waited; my husband commented that the Christmas party sure was early, if they had been on the road at six in the morning, and the soldier commented that "the army does everything early." They all sat together, my family and his, and then headed up north after the tow truck came, the soldier's broken-down car following behind them.
There is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, guarded twenty-four hours a day with honor in Washington, D.C., but there is also the living Unknown Soldier, among us every day. Crippled by war, perhaps, or mentally ravaged by what he has seen in a country far away, or maybe just young, and needing a hand with the stuff of everyday life ¨C they are here, with us right now. We are sometimes stymied by the American soldier - how do you begin to thank people who pick up a gun and say good-bye to everyone who matters and fly far away because they believe in protecting the country we all live in?
Sometimes, you give them a cell phone and your Triple A, and make sure their children are warm. My husband watched the uniformed soldier and his dressed-up little girls climb the steps of their big old three-family house, where toys dotted the yard and the frost was beginning to thaw and show the green underneath. My husband was reluctant to talk about this to me, downplaying the aid he had offered. But eight year olds sing like canaries. I think my husband feels that at the end of the day, it was just one dad helping another dad get his children home. And one man helping another, too, trying, through his actions to say thank you very much, Unknown Soldier, for all you have given up and gone through and laid down for all of us, even though to you, we are Unknown Americans.
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Deirdre Reilly is humorist and columnist. This column first appeared in December 2007 in many Gatehouse News Service newspapers.
Copyright 2008 Deirdre Reilly (Deehumor@...). Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial
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