Daily Clean Jokes for May 23, 2025? ??
? ? ? ?
Today's Clean Limericks? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
?
By a teacher, the students were cowed.
Do not whisper in class.??She had vowed
????????????If you do, I'll punish,
????????????And the reason's pun-ish:
Simply just because?it's?not?aloud.
?
Conrad and Jim and Chris got it.
?
Kirk Miller
Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
?
Quote of the Day:? ?
*? "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." -- Woody Allen
?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
?
Today's One-Liner:? ?
?
What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
?
Puns of the Day:?
?
?* Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
* Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
A Moose Funny
Two goober moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney," says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah," said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year."
>>>Today's Thot
Think about this: Every time you clean something, you make something else dirty.
?
Received from Mikey¡¯s Funnies.
?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
?
A Couple of PunniesTo get her way, a spoiled brat usually succeeded by going into a sobbing fit. When this didn't work, she burst into a fit of rage. To shut her up, her parents often gave in to one of these tantrums and let her have what she wanted. You see, she had remembered her parents telling her that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." In her case, she cleverly switched gears from out of the crying plan and into the ire . (Tyler Kaus)
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered... so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and he removed his hand. The father said, "This is important... put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kippah?" (Kippah: Yarmulke or skullcap)
Received from Stan Kegel?via GCFL.
?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________??
Short jokes
- Why did the salamander go to Hollywood?
To make newt movies!
- Did you hear the one about the New York Jets cocktail?
Two of them, and you forget what Joe Namath.
- Why did the veterinarian prescribe birth-control pills for dogs?
It¡¯s part of an anti-litter campaign.
- Why don¡¯t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
- On what grounds did the police arrest the devil?
They got him on possession.
- How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
- What did one fish in a tank say to the other fish in the tank?
¡°Do you know how to drive this thing?¡±
- What do rich people say when they tickle babies?
¡°Gucci, Gucci, goo.¡±
- How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
- Why don¡¯t anteaters ever get sick?
Their anty-bodies keep them healthy.
Submitted to Reader's Digest?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
10 Things Mystery Novels Teach Us:
?
Few police officers solve crimes on their own, or are even interested in trying. Concerned citizens and the cops¡¯ significant others do most of the real work.
?
If the cop and his or her significant other has a cute pet, the pet will usually uncover and convey the most important clues to the authorities.
?
Knitting circles and craft groups consisting of elderly women, and a few men, solve most cold cases (and some not so cold) in their communities.
?
Trains and cruise ships are hotbeds of murder, with someone getting bumped off on nearly every trip. Luckily, there is usually one off-duty detective aboard at all times.
?
Every successful author has plagiarized at least one bestseller from a prot¨¦g¨¦ or workshop student. College professors almost always steal their most important and groundbreaking research from students.
?
Every aspiring painter has a successful art forgery business on the side. Likewise, professional photographers almost all run blackmail or schemes or amateur porn industries from their studios.
?
Cops on vacation always find a body at their hotel or mode of transportation. They then always take control of and solve the investigation, no matter what jurisdiction they are in. They always solve the crime on the very day they are due to go home again.
?
People who threaten to kill others never do it, but somehow the person threatened always winds up dead the next day.
?
Homeless bums are always law-abiding misunderstood geniuses; if they are carrying around a hand-scrawled manuscript in their shopping carts, it is without fail an amazing future bestseller.
?
That murder rate in almost any small town is at least quadruple that found in big cities.
Received from Anna Welander.
?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
?
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I said.
-----
A girl was walking on the sidewalk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What¡¯s going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!
-----
Thought Of The Day:??Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
Never Marry At All
¡°Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.¡±
¨D Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
?
Received from aJokeADay.com.
?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Golf Meditations
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.?
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
-----
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...?
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly?...
8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
-----
What do you get if you cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog!
What is a chameleon's motto?
A change is as good as a rest!
What happens if you eat a hot frog?
You'll croak in no time!
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new!
What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy? Hoppalong Cassidy!
A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's.
One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.?
Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"
-----
More Jokes from ArcaMax.com
"No No Song" by Ringo Starr was released in 1975 and reached #3 on the Billboard charts, becoming his 7th and final top 10 hit.
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
